So unhappy in my marriage. Feel so stuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The sad thing is that she DOES speak up. They just ignore her. She said when she showed up, "I am so sore and getting too old to cook". They said "oh, well we have carrots!" Wouldn't you think they'd say, "so sorry, mom! Next time don't cook!"

That's not your problem to solve. You can only control yourself. Let them figure that out for themselves. They have a much longer history with each other. Momma probably set things up this way in the past and so they are just continuing, knowing what she's been like in the past. She might just love feeling needed and that everyone loves her cooking, but you may be overlooking that part. She complains but then doesn't do anything. She could put her foot down if she really wanted to; she just doesn't want to yet. Stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Poor lady. She has been serving others her whole life.
But I get the snappy behavior from her! I think I have a sign on my head that shows I am insecure or something.
For example, she questions me about things or criticizes me for things I guarantee she would NEVER say or ask to my sister in law...
It drives me nuts!
I feel like being from the midwest, these things are ingrained in me...politeness, thoughtfulness, etc.
These people have a beautiful hispanic culture, but a lot of their culture is also crappy. The passive aggressiveness, indirectness, taking advantage, etc.
I am sad to hear I am immature and controlling. I feel like I am being nutty because I feel I have to grab on to control-he doesn't make me feel like I have any. If I felt like he had my back always, I would probably let go of a lot of it....

[Anonymous]

Time to move. The farther away the better.

[Anonymous]

The damn brother and sister-in-law moved here a year ago – I knew it was going to make my life hell!

[Anonymous]

OP, I really feel for you.
Any resentment you feel is completely warranted in my opinion.

Hispanic families tend to be a lot closer than the typical Americans.
Loyalty is very important to them which could be the reason your husband doesn't stand up very well to them.
Not excusing his behavior by any means, simply adding some clarity.

And I have noticed in many Hispanic families, the children DO in fact give money to their families as adults.
I think it's customary for parents to expect that their adult children will help them out financially.

If your husband cannot adapt and make your family together his main priority than you will never be able to find happiness.

Culture is extremely resistant to change.

[Anonymous]

They aren't any more loyal, but their culture is very insecure and chauvinist. Your marriage won't survive because your husband doesn't respect you. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much for such helpful advice.
My only thing is that when he takes the kids over there (I have had him do that before), he doesn't return for HOURS. I don't like that. I don't want to sit at home waiting for my own children to return.

Wait, what?? I would be ecstatic if my husband took the kids somewhere for hours. Omg just think of all the things you could do: nap, binge watch TV, catch up on chores or phone calls with friends, take a walk, exercise, etc etc. That's my dream scenario. I was with you at first, but now all of your examples are making me want to know your H's side of the story. The only thing that really gives me pause is giving $ to them, if you have a specific arrangement about that that he's flouting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much for such helpful advice.
My only thing is that when he takes the kids over there (I have had him do that before), he doesn't return for HOURS. I don't like that. I don't want to sit at home waiting for my own children to return.

Wait, what?? I would be ecstatic if my husband took the kids somewhere for hours. Omg just think of all the things you could do: nap, binge watch TV, catch up on chores or phone calls with friends, take a walk, exercise, etc etc. That's my dream scenario. I was with you at first, but now all of your examples are making me want to know your H's side of the story. The only thing that really gives me pause is giving $ to them, if you have a specific arrangement about that that he's flouting.

Honestly she sounds like a controlling bitch. If the DH came on these boards complaining that his wife gave her sister and mother too much money, took the kids on family get-togethers for long afternoons, had a MIL that cooked all the meals, and he hated his BIL this board would crucify him saying she needs the support of her family, he should be grateful for a caring MIL and a family that wants to be around the kids, and wow, she doesn't question your spending why are you questioning hers.

This whole complaint is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Gee, thanks for calling me names....

[Anonymous]

I have never been called this in my life. Very inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Also inappropriate to call someone else's problems ridiculous.
To me my feelings are not ridiculous. Nor would I say that to anyone else's feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gee, thanks for calling me names....

Sorry, whining bitch = controlling asshole. Can't have DH called one without acknowledging that DW is the other.

[Anonymous]

Why did you choose to marry this man? And then have children with him?

You're not going to change an entire culture's way of doing things, and you won't change his entire family. If you want this marriage to work, you need to loosen up on your ideas of how things "should" be.

I think you need to address the issue of finances with your husband so that you can be assured of your family's financial security. Learn to be more flexible with the rest. It sounds like they try to be there for each other. That's not a bad thing if your family unit needs help one day.

[Anonymous]

However, he pays their mortgage and cell phone bill. His sister and brother do not pay for either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:However, he pays their mortgage and cell phone bill. His sister and brother do not pay for either.

I'm the one that called you a controlling bitch. Why didn't you say that in the first place? A helpful handout for late rent is one thing, a consistent mortgage is something else entirely. That needs to be handled. Now. I hope he has the title to those homes as well.