Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels like I either have to spend my life cleaning up after another adult, like a maid
Or
I have to bite my tongue and accept that my husband won’t do the things he says he will do, and we live like hyenas?

The vacuum is still there, next to the pile of sand. He is casually watching Sunday morning shows.

Have you tried saying clearly that you would like him to clean up the sand? And once you ask clearly instead of saying “what is that about “ if he doesn’t do it in 12 hours you can say it’s really bothering you that he left the sand. Honestly you need to decide which way you are going to go with this.

Wow, thanks for swooping in on page 38 with such a simple solution. Why hasn't the OP thought of this before? Truly a mystery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a FB group of about 60 moms and I remember one of them starting a post about how her husband kept refilling a dirty pot with new suds instead of just cleaning in. And we were all, oh you poor thing, he sounds awful, and she said . . . No, this is the man I love. This is funny to me. I don't care if he's ever going to clean the pot. I just laugh at the insanity of refilling it with water 10 times instead of just cleaning it.

I remember thinking, oh, I could just . . . laugh at my husband's foibles? It wasn't a lesson I had really learned yet. I think I've learned it now. The key is just to be in an earnest place. No tit for tat, just giving the benefit of the doubt. Why assume your husband knows the sand is driving you crazy and is choosing not to vacuum it just to treat you like a maid? That's not the simplest explanation. The simplest explanation is that it's not a big deal to him and he honestly believes he'll get to it later. He isn't aware of his tendency to put things off (and maybe the fact that you swoop in and do them before he has to recognize that he's bad at follow through is compounding things). He feels like being tired after travel is a good enough reason to give himself a break.

I DO think he should understand how his actions impact you. I just wouldn't assign malice to this failure on his part. The way you make this happen is by doing your part to give grace, give the benefit of the doubt, etc. That doesn't mean eating your frustration. It just means that when you express it, you do it like this: "I know you're so exhausted, which I totally get, but this sand is driving me crazy and I know you don't want a crazy wife. Could you please handle it before dinner?" The feelings underneath your request are slight amusement at your husband's silliness, slight amusement at your own silliness, and a desire to have peace while also not having sand on your floor.

Thank you for this concrete suggestion and script. I honestly will try this, thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels like I either have to spend my life cleaning up after another adult, like a maid
Or
I have to bite my tongue and accept that my husband won’t do the things he says he will do, and we live like hyenas?

The vacuum is still there, next to the pile of sand. He is casually watching Sunday morning shows.

Show your daughter how to do it, the sand is from HER shoes.

Ok but the father should show his daughter how to do it, since the mess was made from an activity he initiated.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to divorce. This man is as annoying as a pile of sand on the floor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is so much wrong with all of this. Get the 3 yr old to clean up her mess. She made it, not the DH. And again you want to control your husband on "his" time after he spent all morning with the daughter. He wants to relax on his time, after a week long trip, like you did on "your" time. He doesn't want to go to the park to chase a kid around. Why can't he also spend his time doing things that make him feel good?

My dd did not make the mess. Dh said he told her to not take her own shoes off bc they were full of sand. She knows how to take off her shoes and put them away. He took them off, dumped the sand on the floor and left it.
I don’t mind that db said no to the park. I was sharing it so people see that I attempt to create family outings and do things together.

I’d love to see the responses if a dh posted and said his wife dumped sand on the floor and hadn’t cleaned up the mess she made almost a day later. No onr would say/ dh, either you clean it up or accept this as one of her idiosyncrasies.

Hell no. Everyone wouid say she sounds lazy and rude.

She’s 3. The sand was in her shoes teach her how to clean up after herself even on your precious time. You’re an ass to your husband of course he doesn’t want to spend time with you at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels like I either have to spend my life cleaning up after another adult, like a maid
Or
I have to bite my tongue and accept that my husband won’t do the things he says he will do, and we live like hyenas?

The vacuum is still there, next to the pile of sand. He is casually watching Sunday morning shows.

Show your daughter how to do it, the sand is from HER shoes.

Ok but the father should show his daughter how to do it, since the mess was made from an activity he initiated.

If i was him I’d leave it too just to watch your ugly head explode. He’s playing games as much as you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is so much wrong with all of this. Get the 3 yr old to clean up her mess. She made it, not the DH. And again you want to control your husband on "his" time after he spent all morning with the daughter. He wants to relax on his time, after a week long trip, like you did on "your" time. He doesn't want to go to the park to chase a kid around. Why can't he also spend his time doing things that make him feel good?

My dd did not make the mess. Dh said he told her to not take her own shoes off bc they were full of sand. She knows how to take off her shoes and put them away. He took them off, dumped the sand on the floor and left it.
I don’t mind that db said no to the park. I was sharing it so people see that I attempt to create family outings and do things together.

I’d love to see the responses if a dh posted and said his wife dumped sand on the floor and hadn’t cleaned up the mess she made almost a day later. No onr would say/ dh, either you clean it up or accept this as one of her idiosyncrasies.

Hell no. Everyone wouid say she sounds lazy and rude.

You aren’t convincing anyone here with this, OP. She is your daughter. Teach her to clean up the messes that come from her shoes. That’s part of being a parent and it’s not just your husband’s job. That doesn’t mean your husband is always right in every situation, but in this one? You are making a power struggle out of nothing.

Like PP, I also thought it was funny you tried to include your husband on an outing that was during his free time after enjoying your solo morning!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels like I either have to spend my life cleaning up after another adult, like a maid
Or
I have to bite my tongue and accept that my husband won’t do the things he says he will do, and we live like hyenas?

The vacuum is still there, next to the pile of sand. He is casually watching Sunday morning shows.

Show your daughter how to do it, the sand is from HER shoes.

Why didn’t her dad show her? He’s the one who brought her home from the sand pit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels like I either have to spend my life cleaning up after another adult, like a maid
Or
I have to bite my tongue and accept that my husband won’t do the things he says he will do, and we live like hyenas?

The vacuum is still there, next to the pile of sand. He is casually watching Sunday morning shows.

Show your daughter how to do it, the sand is from HER shoes.

Why didn’t her dad show her? He’s the one who brought her home from the sand pit.

Why doesn’t OP do it? She had all morning to herself and it was her shift.

[Anonymous]

Sprinkle a few grains of sand in his side of the bed as a reminder.

[Anonymous]

Can you clarify OP if you are an angry White/Black?Hispanic or Asian woman? I want to figure out if it is an actual problem or just racial socialization.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels like I either have to spend my life cleaning up after another adult, like a maid
Or
I have to bite my tongue and accept that my husband won’t do the things he says he will do, and we live like hyenas?

The vacuum is still there, next to the pile of sand. He is casually watching Sunday morning shows.

Have you tried saying clearly that you would like him to clean up the sand? And once you ask clearly instead of saying “what is that about “ if he doesn’t do it in 12 hours you can say it’s really bothering you that he left the sand. Honestly you need to decide which way you are going to go with this.

Wow, thanks for swooping in on page 38 with such a simple solution. Why hasn't the OP thought of this before? Truly a mystery.

I can’t tell if this is the OP being annoyed or some new just mocking the whole thread but I found the update, as OP described it, to be enlightening in that he’s not clearly explaining herself. The original example, where they had clearly defined agreement is different to me. I’m a DW but I’m pretty messy and we have a big entry way so some sand there would really not be a big deal and my husband would be really annoyed if I was like “what is up with this sand”. And I’d be super annoyed if he did the same to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels like I either have to spend my life cleaning up after another adult, like a maid
Or
I have to bite my tongue and accept that my husband won’t do the things he says he will do, and we live like hyenas?

The vacuum is still there, next to the pile of sand. He is casually watching Sunday morning shows.

Have you tried saying clearly that you would like him to clean up the sand? And once you ask clearly instead of saying “what is that about “ if he doesn’t do it in 12 hours you can say it’s really bothering you that he left the sand. Honestly you need to decide which way you are going to go with this.

Wow, thanks for swooping in on page 38 with such a simple solution. Why hasn't the OP thought of this before? Truly a mystery.

I can’t tell if this is the OP being annoyed or some new just mocking the whole thread but I found the update, as OP described it, to be enlightening in that he’s not clearly explaining herself. The original example, where they had clearly defined agreement is different to me. I’m a DW but I’m pretty messy and we have a big entry way so some sand there would really not be a big deal and my husband would be really annoyed if I was like “what is up with this sand”. And I’d be super annoyed if he did the same to me.

NP. I find the OP's explanation quite clear. The H makes messes and doesn't "see" them, or maybe he does, but someone else will just take care of it, right?

For everyone telling OP to just clean up the sand, sure. Then change "clean up sand" to take care of kid/clean house/earn more income or anything else he doesn't feel like doing. Bc OP should just do those things too, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels like I either have to spend my life cleaning up after another adult, like a maid
Or
I have to bite my tongue and accept that my husband won’t do the things he says he will do, and we live like hyenas?

The vacuum is still there, next to the pile of sand. He is casually watching Sunday morning shows.

Show your daughter how to do it, the sand is from HER shoes.

Why didn’t her dad show her? He’s the one who brought her home from the sand pit.

Why doesn’t OP do it? She had all morning to herself and it was her shift.

Dad took the child to the activity. He shouldn’t leave messes for other people to clean up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels like I either have to spend my life cleaning up after another adult, like a maid
Or
I have to bite my tongue and accept that my husband won’t do the things he says he will do, and we live like hyenas?

The vacuum is still there, next to the pile of sand. He is casually watching Sunday morning shows.

Show your daughter how to do it, the sand is from HER shoes.

Why didn’t her dad show her? He’s the one who brought her home from the sand pit.

Why doesn’t OP do it? She had all morning to herself and it was her shift.

Dad took the child to the activity. He shouldn’t leave messes for other people to clean up.

Oh well. So the sand sits while OP seethes. Her husband is probably getting a kick out of it.