Spouse threatens divorce

[Anonymous]

we have some underlying issues around poor listening, poor communication and then poor conflict resolution. Little things get ignored, not fixed, never solved, then become bigger aggravations, and then become arguments, at which time DH attacks me personally for arguing or bringing up things that need to be done. Nothing get resolved.

About every few months it gets really bad and DH explodes into one of his victim temper tantrums and says he "doesn't want the kids around a house like this and he doesn't want to live like this". I ask him if he's threatening me and he riddles back, "I'm not threatening you, I'm telling you a fact."

Why would someone argue like this? Anyone else's spouse like this?

I'm getting sick of it and so much more. The respect is just gone, on both sides. Now I'm supposed to live in fear of my spouse just giving up on everything or taking some cop out. Am I supposed to roll over on any basic expectations from a marriage or father of my children?

[Anonymous]

He may just be expressing himself due to his immense anger.

Many people say extreme things when angry.

He could mean it. Or not.

But I agree, it must be very stressful to live w/the fear that someday...someone may just pull the rug out from under you thus disrupting your entire life.

You + your husband sound like the perfect candidates for marriage counseling.
Would your spouse be willing to attend?
If so, someone who has experience working w/couples dealing w/communication issues would best suit both of your needs.

I wish you both the best of luck.

[Anonymous]

My husband has done this. I came on here tonight to read some threads because just tonight, I finally said, "go for it. You have one week, otherwise, I'll file myself." It sounds like you don't want that, and for years I didn't either, but his threats finally wore me down and now I'm just sort of waiting for the week to end so I can finally be done. He never realized how much that just chipped away at us....

[Anonymous]

OP, I am like this. I feel my DH has some issues, including not listening when I mention things that bother me. If I have to say it 2 times, I will explode. Seriously. I shouldn't have to say it 3 times.

I agree with PP that different personalities are at play here. I feel like you are more like my DH, and I severely regret marrying someone so sensitive. I need to be angry sometimes. I just need to get upset, tell you, and I am good. If you act like you hear me, I'm really good. This whole WTF attitude is sending me straight to divorce with my DH, because I have to shut down everything about myself that's been a normal reaction my whole life.

Such as, we don't let the child eat milk products that sat out all night. We just don't. Also, it's good to try to feed our child. That's a bonus.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a relationship like this but I am the wife and I say that I'm tired of living like this. It's not a threat but the truth. I'm seriously tired of living like this with his negative attitude around me and the kids. I want him to change. Again not a threat as I am in the fence to divorce but hang in there for the kids.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he could just be telling you the truth, OP. I said something very similar when my husband was in the throes of anxiety/depression and refusing to get help, just taking it out on me and the kids.

I finally had to tell him that I was going to leave or he needed to see a psychiatrist because I was no longer going to live that way and I didn't want my kids in that sort of environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:we have some underlying issues around poor listening, poor communication and then poor conflict resolution. Little things get ignored, not fixed, never solved, then become bigger aggravations, and then become arguments, at which time DH attacks me personally for arguing or bringing up things that need to be done. Nothing get resolved.

About every few months it gets really bad and DH explodes into one of his victim temper tantrums and says he "doesn't want the kids around a house like this and he doesn't want to live like this". I ask him if he's threatening me and he riddles back, "I'm not threatening you, I'm telling you a fact."

Why would someone argue like this? Anyone else's spouse like this?

I'm getting sick of it and so much more. The respect is just gone, on both sides. Now I'm supposed to live in fear of my spouse just giving up on everything or taking some cop out. Am I supposed to roll over on any basic expectations from a marriage or father of my children?

Like what?

Are you nagging and starting fights?

When a fight starts do you just go on and on and on, or can you stop talking and walk away until things calm down?

[Anonymous]

Are you seeing a therapist? You admit you have communication issues - it's possible that he is signaling earlier in the conversations his situation, and you aren't picking up on that. You may have different expectations on how to handle "little things" and he may feel that he has no autonomy in the situation. It's hard for us here on the Internet to see what's going on because we're not in the room.

If you want to save your marriage, get outside help. If not, come up with a plan to end it amicably. But what isn't going to happen is him waking up one morning and saying "honey, you were right about EVERYTHING!"

[Anonymous]

My husband is incapable of apologizing or understanding why someone is upset with him. If he drops the ball or messes up or forgets something, there is almost nothing I can do. He won't talk about, he'll become passive aggressive and infuriate me and nothing ever changes or gets better.

Try individual and couples counseling to try to get back on track. Dealing with a PA spouse is awful, and gets handed down from parent to kid to kid so beware.

I mention this angle because you are mentioned bad conflict resolution issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am like this. I feel my DH has some issues, including not listening when I mention things that bother me. If I have to say it 2 times, I will explode. Seriously. I shouldn't have to say it 3 times.

I agree with PP that different personalities are at play here. I feel like you are more like my DH, and I severely regret marrying someone so sensitive. I need to be angry sometimes. I just need to get upset, tell you, and I am good. If you act like you hear me, I'm really good. This whole WTF attitude is sending me straight to divorce with my DH, because I have to shut down everything about myself that's been a normal reaction my whole life.

Such as, we don't let the child eat milk products that sat out all night. We just don't. Also, it's good to try to feed our child. That's a bonus.

personality differences is an easy excuse not to try to communicate or work things out with another individual. In this case, your wife or spouse. If either of you cared you'd get help to learn how to effectively communicate and improve your relationship, rather than give up.

Your husband likely grew up in a household where "anger" or "emotion" of any sort was a weakness and prohibited. But it is natural and he needs to now learn healthy ways of expressing anger and responding to other people's anger. He never saw this growing up, get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am like this. I feel my DH has some issues, including not listening when I mention things that bother me. If I have to say it 2 times, I will explode. Seriously. I shouldn't have to say it 3 times.

I agree with PP that different personalities are at play here. I feel like you are more like my DH, and I severely regret marrying someone so sensitive. I need to be angry sometimes. I just need to get upset, tell you, and I am good. If you act like you hear me, I'm really good. This whole WTF attitude is sending me straight to divorce with my DH, because I have to shut down everything about myself that's been a normal reaction my whole life.

Such as, we don't let the child eat milk products that sat out all night. We just don't. Also, it's good to try to feed our child. That's a bonus.

Dude!!! You have serious anger issues.

You need therapy and meditation!

Wow, just wow!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is incapable of apologizing or understanding why someone is upset with him. If he drops the ball or messes up or forgets something, there is almost nothing I can do. He won't talk about, he'll become passive aggressive and infuriate me and nothing ever changes or gets better.

Try individual and couples counseling to try to get back on track. Dealing with a PA spouse is awful, and gets handed down from parent to kid to kid so beware.

I mention this angle because you are mentioned bad conflict resolution issues.

People make mistakes, it does not need to be discussed, and an apology should not be needed. What is there to understand, except that people are human, they make mistakes and sometimes drop the ball.

You want to discuss every mistake and you need an apology?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:we have some underlying issues around poor listening, poor communication and then poor conflict resolution. Little things get ignored, not fixed, never solved, then become bigger aggravations, and then become arguments, at which time DH attacks me personally for arguing or bringing up things that need to be done. Nothing get resolved.

I have seen a dynamic like this a few times, and I've been in it once, and I want to ask you: is the problem really "poor listening, poor communication" or just not really reaching agreements or compromises. By that I mean: are you asking your husband to do things and he is not agreeing to do them, but you somehow think he is? Sometimes people who are conflict avoidant can be passive-aggressive (in the real meaning of the word) and rather than say "NO" clearly and directly, either say yes and then refuse to actually follow through, or just kind of mumble through. Sometimes aggressive-aggressive people think that anything other than a loud and clear "NO" is a yes....and then get angry at the passive (do nothing) pushback. exDW and I both used to do a fair amount of the passive-aggressive BS.

He may or may not be "stating a fact" - there is an appropriate time and place for communicating that certain kinds of interaction simply aren't tolerable for the long run, and it's kind of wrong and dishonest to your partner to not tell them when their behavior isn't acceptable. There are no two ways about it: anytime you drop this, it is a threat - it is a kind of ultimatum and a kind of brinksmanship. It's only wrong to do it if you pull the card out all the time, even for behavior which really isn't something you'd leave them over and may not even be all that bad. These kinds of calls are really subjective. ex-DW used to like to throw this at me when my frustration got to the level I raised my voice - I grew up in a conflict-laden family, and I had learned some pretty poor "communication skills" - but she used it as a blunt instrument to basically shut down and ignore anything I said or did that she didn't want to have to engage seriously or constructively. I did eventually learn to communicate differently, mostly be getting to the point where I neither expected her to actually listen to or address my issues, and by basically stopping giving a shit about her. I was extraordinarily calm and even in the final three years of our marriage, before I finally said "ok, see ya". I called her bluff on the threat. She was pretty shocked that I wanted out "things seemed so good, you seemed happy".

What I will say is this: if you want to really start to examine the "communication issues" which are probably not really about poor communication (you two have probably conveyed your wants and feelings very very effectively at this point and both probably know exactly what the other person really wants), but instead is about not reaching compromise or agreement.

My advice to you is to stop getting angry - or rather: learning how to manage your behavior when you feel angry. Go to a therapist to get some help with that - it doesn't mean you are "wrong" or "crazy". It just means you need some help with strategies for breaking out of the dynamic and not feeling like crap, and not letting your spouse yank your chain and push your buttons. They may be a controlling manipulative asshole (and getting angry is a healthy, normal and appropriate emotional response) - mine was - but part of their manipulation is getting you to be dysregulated. This is how P-A people "win" fights. It is miserable.

Make an objective list - write it down - of what you want from them.

Be prepared to take a long, hard, and very very likely uncomfortable look at your own behavior, dynamics and demands on your partner. It almost always takes two to tango. I contributed a LOT of the BS to my first marriage, and it was very unpleasant to look at - I felt horrible about myself. Counter-intuitively, looking at your own failings and short comings is actually self-esteem building, because you also see your successes and good parts. You can get a clearer picture, and you can start proactively taking steps to NOT engage in your negative behaviors, and that is something you feel good about (higher self-esteem). There is almost never this kind of dynamic unless both parties contribute to it. If you really feel it's all him and he's just nuts: leave him. Call his bluff. Consider that anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is incapable of apologizing or understanding why someone is upset with him. If he drops the ball or messes up or forgets something, there is almost nothing I can do. He won't talk about, he'll become passive aggressive and infuriate me and nothing ever changes or gets better.

Try individual and couples counseling to try to get back on track. Dealing with a PA spouse is awful, and gets handed down from parent to kid to kid so beware.

I mention this angle because you are mentioned bad conflict resolution issues.

People make mistakes, it does not need to be discussed, and an apology should not be needed. What is there to understand, except that people are human, they make mistakes and sometimes drop the ball.

You want to discuss every mistake and you need an apology?

NP, an acknowledge is what I expect. I am in this boat as PP. Really make things worse when spouse doesn't say anything about his mistakes. Say something...oh my fault, I hear ya, ops, sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is incapable of apologizing or understanding why someone is upset with him. If he drops the ball or messes up or forgets something, there is almost nothing I can do. He won't talk about, he'll become passive aggressive and infuriate me and nothing ever changes or gets better.

Try individual and couples counseling to try to get back on track. Dealing with a PA spouse is awful, and gets handed down from parent to kid to kid so beware.

I mention this angle because you are mentioned bad conflict resolution issues.

People make mistakes, it does not need to be discussed, and an apology should not be needed. What is there to understand, except that people are human, they make mistakes and sometimes drop the ball.

You want to discuss every mistake and you need an apology?

NP, an acknowledge is what I expect. I am in this boat as PP. Really make things worse when spouse doesn't say anything about his mistakes. Say something...oh my fault, I hear ya, ops, sorry.

No. People do not have to say my fault. They know it is their fault, you know it is their fault. So what!

Hey kids you are 5 minutes late to practice, my fault.
Forms are not in on time, my fault.
I got the wrong 3 ring binder, my fault.
The hall light still does not have a bulb, my fault.
I forgot to get coffee, my fault

NO! Guess what, it will not kill you to be 5 minutes late, the forms will eventually get there, and 1.5 inch ring instead of 1 inch is just something you will have to live with. Also, turn on the bathroom light and drink tea. Geez. You sound miserable to live with.