Reply to Spouse threatens divorce

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Spouse threatens divorce "

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]we have some underlying issues around poor listening, poor communication and then poor conflict resolution. Little things get ignored, not fixed, never solved, then become bigger aggravations, and then become arguments, at which time DH attacks me personally for arguing or bringing up things that need to be done. Nothing get resolved.[/quote]

I have seen a dynamic like this a few times, and I've been in it once, and I want to ask you: is the problem really "poor listening, poor communication" or just not really reaching agreements or compromises.  By that I mean: are you asking your husband to do things and he is not agreeing to do them, but you somehow think he is?  Sometimes people who are conflict avoidant can be passive-aggressive (in the real meaning of the word) and rather than say "NO" clearly and directly, either say yes and then refuse to actually follow through, or just kind of mumble through.  Sometimes aggressive-aggressive people think that anything other than a loud and clear "NO" is a yes....and then get angry at the passive (do nothing) pushback.  [b]exDW and I both used to do a fair amount of the passive-aggressive BS.[/b]

He may or may not be "stating a fact" - there is an appropriate time and place for communicating that certain kinds of interaction simply aren't tolerable for the long run, and it's kind of wrong and dishonest to your partner to not tell them when their behavior isn't acceptable.  There are no two ways about it: anytime you drop this, it is a threat - it is a kind of ultimatum and a kind of brinksmanship.  It's only wrong to do it if you pull the card out all the time, even for behavior which really isn't something you'd leave them over and may not even be all that bad.  These kinds of calls are really subjective.  ex-DW used to like to throw this at me when my frustration got to the level I raised my voice - I grew up in a conflict-laden family, and I had learned some pretty poor "communication skills" - but she used it as a blunt instrument to basically shut down and ignore anything I said or did that she didn't want to have to engage seriously or constructively.  I did eventually learn to communicate differently, mostly be getting to the point where I neither expected her to actually listen to or address my issues, and by basically stopping giving a shit about her.  I was extraordinarily calm and even in the final three years of our marriage, before I finally said "ok, see ya".   I called her bluff on the threat.  She was pretty shocked that I wanted out "things seemed so good, you seemed happy".

What I will say is this: if you want to really start to examine the "communication issues" which are probably not really about poor communication (you two have probably conveyed your wants and feelings very very effectively at this point and both probably know exactly what the other person really wants), but instead is about not reaching compromise or agreement.

My advice to you is to stop getting angry - or rather: learning how to manage your behavior when you feel angry.  Go to a therapist to get some help with that - it doesn't mean you are "wrong" or "crazy".  It just means you need some help with strategies for breaking out of the dynamic and not feeling like crap, and not letting your spouse yank your chain and push your buttons.  They may be a controlling manipulative asshole (and getting angry is a healthy, normal and appropriate emotional response) - mine was - but part of their manipulation is getting you to be dysregulated.  This is how P-A people "win" fights.  It is miserable.

Make an objective list - write it down - of what you want from them.

Be prepared to take a long, hard, and very very likely uncomfortable look at your own behavior, dynamics and demands on your partner.  It almost always takes two to tango.  I contributed a LOT of the BS to my first marriage, and it was very unpleasant to look at - I felt horrible about myself.  Counter-intuitively, looking at your own failings and short comings is actually self-esteem building, because you also see your successes and good parts.  You can get a clearer picture, and you can start proactively taking steps to NOT engage in your negative behaviors, and that is something you feel good about (higher self-esteem).  There is almost never this kind of dynamic unless both parties contribute to it.  If you really feel it's all him and he's just nuts: leave him.  Call his bluff.  Consider that anyway.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics