Spouse threatens divorce

[Anonymous]

When I was saying this with regularity, it was because I wanted a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is incapable of apologizing or understanding why someone is upset with him. If he drops the ball or messes up or forgets something, there is almost nothing I can do. He won't talk about, he'll become passive aggressive and infuriate me and nothing ever changes or gets better.

Try individual and couples counseling to try to get back on track. Dealing with a PA spouse is awful, and gets handed down from parent to kid to kid so beware.

I mention this angle because you are mentioned bad conflict resolution issues.

People make mistakes, it does not need to be discussed, and an apology should not be needed. What is there to understand, except that people are human, they make mistakes and sometimes drop the ball.

You want to discuss every mistake and you need an apology?

NP, an acknowledge is what I expect. I am in this boat as PP. Really make things worse when spouse doesn't say anything about his mistakes. Say something...oh my fault, I hear ya, ops, sorry.

No. People do not have to say my fault. They know it is their fault, you know it is their fault. So what!

Hey kids you are 5 minutes late to practice, my fault.
Forms are not in on time, my fault.
I got the wrong 3 ring binder, my fault.
The hall light still does not have a bulb, my fault.
I forgot to get coffee, my fault

NO! Guess what, it will not kill you to be 5 minutes late, the forms will eventually get there, and 1.5 inch ring instead of 1 inch is just something you will have to live with. Also, turn on the bathroom light and drink tea. Geez. You sound miserable to live with.

I grew up in a household where if you F'd up, you just said "Oops, I didn't do xyz right, I'll fix it now, won't happen again!" And then we made sure it did not happen again.
Same thing in my household now, if someone (kid or husband) is upset, we listen, validate their feelings and then work on a solution.
Solutions only happen if you admit there was a mistake.
No one is perfect, and to deny and avoid admitting a mishap is infantile and the wrong life skill to be living or teaching. Worse, is to keep on making the same mistake. That quickly becomes a demonstration of disrespect and rudeness. Try not to have bad habits, and if once you move away from home and your various roommates call you out on something (*gasp* there is a better way of doing something than Mommy showed me!), improve yourself!

[Anonymous]

I say it all the time but can't bring myself to actually do it, in part because of the awful consequences he's made clear will follow. Some day I will leave so I guess it's not a totally empty threat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is incapable of apologizing or understanding why someone is upset with him. If he drops the ball or messes up or forgets something, there is almost nothing I can do. He won't talk about, he'll become passive aggressive and infuriate me and nothing ever changes or gets better.

Try individual and couples counseling to try to get back on track. Dealing with a PA spouse is awful, and gets handed down from parent to kid to kid so beware.

I mention this angle because you are mentioned bad conflict resolution issues.

People make mistakes, it does not need to be discussed, and an apology should not be needed. What is there to understand, except that people are human, they make mistakes and sometimes drop the ball.

You want to discuss every mistake and you need an apology?

NP, an acknowledge is what I expect. I am in this boat as PP. Really make things worse when spouse doesn't say anything about his mistakes. Say something...oh my fault, I hear ya, ops, sorry.

No. People do not have to say my fault. They know it is their fault, you know it is their fault. So what!

Hey kids you are 5 minutes late to practice, my fault.
Forms are not in on time, my fault.
I got the wrong 3 ring binder, my fault.
The hall light still does not have a bulb, my fault.
I forgot to get coffee, my fault

NO! Guess what, it will not kill you to be 5 minutes late, the forms will eventually get there, and 1.5 inch ring instead of 1 inch is just something you will have to live with. Also, turn on the bathroom light and drink tea. Geez. You sound miserable to live with.

I grew up in a household where if you F'd up, you just said "Oops, I didn't do xyz right, I'll fix it now, won't happen again!" And then we made sure it did not happen again.
Same thing in my household now, if someone (kid or husband) is upset, we listen, validate their feelings and then work on a solution.
Solutions only happen if you admit there was a mistake.
No one is perfect, and to deny and avoid admitting a mishap is infantile and the wrong life skill to be living or teaching. Worse, is to keep on making the same mistake. That quickly becomes a demonstration of disrespect and rudeness. Try not to have bad habits, and if once you move away from home and your various roommates call you out on something (*gasp* there is a better way of doing something than Mommy showed me!), improve yourself!

It is not until we leave our family home and live with others that we realize how F'd up our childhood really was.

That is F'd up lady. You should go to individual counseling and find a way to let it go.

My kids spill a drink, they clean it up. No, "Oh I am sorry, let me admit my wrong doing and promise to never let it happen again". Guess what, it will happen again, BFD!

No one is perfect and to make each and every mistake an issue that must be discussed, validated and promised to NEVER happen again, is borderline OCD.

"Worse, is to keep on making the same mistake"... really? You have never burnt the bread in the toaster twice, or over cooked the chicken twice. HOLY FING GOD! Your household sounds like living hell.

I lived with a crazy roommate like you once. When I moved out I lived with a normal person. I left my clothes in the washerr, she dried and folded them. (my old roommate would throw them in a basket and tell me if I had to wash twice enough times I would learn my lesson.) Guess what, next time I did laundry, if my roommate's clothes were in the washer... I ... wait for it... dried and folded them.

BANG! Mind Blown!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I grew up in a household where if you F'd up, you just said "Oops, I didn't do xyz right, I'll fix it now, won't happen again!" And then we made sure it did not happen again.
Same thing in my household now, if someone (kid or husband) is upset, we listen, validate their feelings and then work on a solution.
Solutions only happen if you admit there was a mistake.
No one is perfect, and to deny and avoid admitting a mishap is infantile and the wrong life skill to be living or teaching. Worse, is to keep on making the same mistake. That quickly becomes a demonstration of disrespect and rudeness. Try not to have bad habits, and if once you move away from home and your various roommates call you out on something (*gasp* there is a better way of doing something than Mommy showed me!), improve yourself!

It is not until we leave our family home and live with others that we realize how F'd up our childhood really was.

That is F'd up lady. You should go to individual counseling and find a way to let it go.

My kids spill a drink, they clean it up. No, "Oh I am sorry, let me admit my wrong doing and promise to never let it happen again". Guess what, it will happen again, BFD!

No one is perfect and to make each and every mistake an issue that must be discussed, validated and promised to NEVER happen again, is borderline OCD.

"Worse, is to keep on making the same mistake"... really? You have never burnt the bread in the toaster twice, or over cooked the chicken twice. HOLY FING GOD! Your household sounds like living hell.

I lived with a crazy roommate like you once. When I moved out I lived with a normal person. I left my clothes in the washerr, she dried and folded them. (my old roommate would throw them in a basket and tell me if I had to wash twice enough times I would learn my lesson.) Guess what, next time I did laundry, if my roommate's clothes were in the washer... I ... wait for it... dried and folded them.

BANG! Mind Blown!

I think you both are defining mistake differently. It's not about burning toast or doing each other's laundry. It's about someone counting on you and you can't be counted on, consistently. Missed family obligations, didn't fix the XYZ, don't respond to vacation conversations, forget the garbage or put dirty clothes in hamper. If you upset a reasonable person you should set things right, not ignore them.

Separately, that's awesome you changed roommates until you found one that would pick up after you and do your laundry together!

[Anonymous]

things that need to be done

What needs to be done?
Really, what is it you talking about???

[Anonymous]

Yeah - - what are you talking about, OP?

PP gave examples, and I'll offer an answer to each:
missed family obligations - - they didn't want to go. Go without them.
didn't fix the XYZ - - oh well, hire someone to do it.
don't respond to vacation conversations - - not so important to them. Let them know a deadline to let you know. Then if it's important to you, plan for yourself to go anyway.
forget the garbage or put dirty clothes in hamper - - you married someone who has a different acceptable level of neatness. Oh well. Doesn't mean you're right or you get your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has done this. I came on here tonight to read some threads because just tonight, I finally said, "go for it. You have one week, otherwise, I'll file myself." It sounds like you don't want that, and for years I didn't either, but his threats finally wore me down and now I'm just sort of waiting for the week to end so I can finally be done. He never realized how much that just chipped away at us....

Good for you.

[Anonymous]

I do this to DH. I have figured out that I say these types of things it is when I feel like I have NO control over a situation that really bothers me. I'll bring up something that really bothers me and ask that something be done about it and DH is dismissive, telling me I should just deal with it. Then I get upset because if it was something that I could just deal with, I wouldn't have brought it up in the first place.

It is only when I explain that I can't live with the said issue and he is not helping to adjust and I will have to live elsewhere that DH starts to try and help.

[Anonymous]

Married 35 years and I'd say happily. I'd marry him again. DH and I have probably only spoken the words, "I'm sorry" to each other a few times. There's certainly been times we were mad and needed to cool off. And then afterwards a touch, or a look can say the same thing as "I'm sorry". I don't think either of us would want to bet our marriage on insisting on an actual "I'm sorry".

This assuming the marriage has no adultery, physical abuse or addiction issues.

[Anonymous]

Op, what if at some age your spouse isn't as capable as you expect? what if their mental capacity declines? Or their personality changes some with age. Do you blame them for every thing you want done that doesn't get done? No, you adjust your expectations, and you cope in new ways. It's a challenge for you. It will test you.

[Anonymous]

After about 8 months of marriage, DH seemed to develop this intense rage during arguments. He started threatening divorce, and say othet really hurtful stuff. This is a new side of him. He apologizes and blames stress. I admit I get mad too but would never dream of using threats. After a while I've realized this has just killed my soul and now I'm planning to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, what if at some age your spouse isn't as capable as you expect? what if their mental capacity declines? Or their personality changes some with age. Do you blame them for every thing you want done that doesn't get done? No, you adjust your expectations, and you cope in new ways. It's a challenge for you. It will test you.

I worry more that if something happens to me he won't have half a clue how to do anything for me, the kids or the house.

As for expectations, it takes a certain very laid back type to continually drop basic expectations of a grown healthy adult and not feel totally taken advantage of.

I know couples that each cares and knows what's going on, they race each other to attend a child or take care of something that needs to be done. Total team in every aspect. op needs to stress teamwork and doing duties out of love, not a game of chicken to see who can hold out the longest.

[Anonymous]

But don't compare to the ideal, very rare. Better to develop a system: take turns, or time on duty, whatever. But also, do not go to marriage counseling together. Go separately and avoid the grandstanding and threats to walk out. Or go to Imago therapy and work on communicating effectively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, what if at some age your spouse isn't as capable as you expect? what if their mental capacity declines? Or their personality changes some with age. Do you blame them for every thing you want done that doesn't get done? No, you adjust your expectations, and you cope in new ways. It's a challenge for you. It will test you.

I worry more that if something happens to me he won't have half a clue how to do anything for me, the kids or the house.

As for expectations, it takes a certain very laid back type to continually drop basic expectations of a grown healthy adult and not feel totally taken advantage of.

I know couples that each cares and knows what's going on, they race each other to attend a child or take care of something that needs to be done. Total team in every aspect. op needs to stress teamwork and doing duties out of love, not a game of chicken to see who can hold out the longest.

If you constantly nag and don't let your H do it his way, he won't be able to take care of you or your kids. But once you are gone he will figure it out quickly, it still won't be your way but it will be fine.

It does take maturity yo know the difference between dropping expectations and realizing your expectations are controlling your life and unrealistic/ridiculous.

The couples that you know that figured it out, let their spouse do it their way, don't second guess them and got over their own hangups.