Talk me out of being pissed at my husband about this
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Anonymous
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We have 2 kids, both work FT, and I'm the default parent to the max. All things kid-related fall on me, as well as shopping, cooking, laundry, yardwork. My husband does clean up nightly and pay for a weekly cleaner, but he is incredibly helpless with a lot of basic skills. I had enrolled our tween son in a sports camp this week - he's not into sports but this was something he was willing to try. And honestly he needs to find some outlet where he can get some kind of physical activity. Camp was pricey and it entailed an inconvenient dropoff/pickup route. I did it Mon-Wed but had a work event from dawn to dusk today and needed my husband to do the driving. He just got back from a short work trip and I coached him thru the location (he doesn't have a smart phone for navigation) repeatedly.
Midway thru the day my husband calls, telling me that they decided to skip camp and just hang out. Today was the final day of the camp and the last chance my kid will have to try this sport for some time to come. No one bothered to tell my son's best friend, who only enrolled in the camp because they were both going. I am beyond furious about this, and I know it's slightly irrational. I know my son didn't love the camp, but he was willing to try it and seemed to like it more each day. If he was miserable, I wouldn't have made him go back. I'm mad at my husband because I know he was just being lazy - he was tired from his trip and didn't want to do the inconvenient drive to the camp. I feel like I literally have to do every damn thing or else he will just opt not to do it. This happens with so many things, and I've kind of adjusted to the point where I will do anything I have to do. But ultimately sometimes I just can't, and this is just one episode where my kids are the losers in the process. Am I overreacting?? Any advice? |
Anonymous
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Yeah. Congratulate your husband for taking the initiative to spend some quality time with his son. Then lay off him.
No wonder your husband doesn't do much ... he takes one decision like this and you go ballistic. Relax, before he decides he'd be better off without you. |
Anonymous
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No, you're not overreacting, but you have to calm down before you talk to your husband. Sit him down when you're both calm, and explain that the burden of family life falls disproportionately on you, and this recent event is the last straw because you know very well it was due to his laziness that DS didn't go. Say that the situation needs to be addressed now because you are building up a dangerous amount of resentment over his attitude. That he can take a couple of weeks to think about why he's like this, maybe see a psychologist, and then you want answers and a deal. |
Anonymous
| Are they really spending the day doing things together? If so, I would be okay with it. If they are just in the same house together but your son is in his room and DH is watching tv then I would bebpissed. |
Anonymous
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It's not the biggest of deals, but I can see why it would irritate you.
I think in general you need to outsource more to your DH. In terms of getting places, f he doesn't want a smart phone, he can print off directions from Google maps, you can still buy GPS units, or even join AAA--they can do trip tix even if it's for somewhere local. Hang in there. |
Anonymous
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Oh I would be really angry but I'd need to chill because
1. you have not gotten buy-in from your husband on your vision for your kids 2. you do too much and insulate him from the demands of kids enrichment (and probably everything else) 3. men rarely have the same interest in giving kids the right inputs and experiences 4. and in my observation, women are more attuned to the needs of friend cultivating among kids. 5. since it was your thing, you should have gotten your kid's best friend's mom to drive your kid and just leave your husband out of it. (His inability to 'get' the route made it clear he was not into it and likely to drop the ball. I know this is all a PITA but address your own anxieties about the kid's needs, and don't transfer them to your husband. He has other kid-rearing things he cares about (that you probably don't care a whit about and that's fine, that's how parenting SHOULD work.) |
Anonymous
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I get it. It's galling. He gets to use his parenting time to ne the "fun dad," which leaves you less time to be the "fun mom" plus does not actually help you with your burdens at all.
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Anonymous
| I would be pissed if my kid missed the last day of a pricey camp because DH was too lazy to get him there. My husband pulled this once when their was traffic on a Saturday. He turned around and brought DS home without dropping him off at his art class. It was the last day of class and they were doing presentations. So lame. |
Anonymous
Why would you be okay with that? DH is an adult. If he wants to spend a day with his kid, he should pick a day the kid is not enrolled in camp. It's plain as day the DH was being lazy. Not the end of the world, but at least admit the truth. Also, sending a bad message to his DC to do that IMO. OP, I'd be pissed too. |
Anonymous
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Totally with you OP, 100%. My DH does stuff like this. We have been together 10 years, married 5, have 2 young children. I love him and he is a great husband and father in many ways. His loyalty and devotion to family is unparalleled. But, he's lazy and self-centered. I get it because I am too from time to time (except for all the time I'm being the default parent, just like you).
Honestly, the thing I do with mine is call him on his bullshit. I know him well enough to know when it's "quality time with the kids" vs. "trying to find that place sounded hard" and I come right out and say so. I would start doing that and then expand to other stuff. Make a list of all the stuff you do regularly that is uncompensated and then talk to him about an even split (taking into consideration the respective demands of your jobs and other responsibilities). Keep talking. There's a contingent on this board that will advocate taking responsibility for what you want done. That's totally right, to a point. But he can't free-ride his family obligations, and you can state that in a matter of fact way and have a discussion about it. Probably an ongoing discussion. We're still working on it in our family. And I will add that I completely get your irrational fury. Been there! It's because you have a bunch of resentment built up. Work on that, and you may find it easier to laugh it off next time. |
Anonymous
| Hmm. I would not have an issue with skipping a day of camp to hang out together, except for the fact that your son's friend signed up for the camp to be with your son. It's rude to skip under that circumstance for a 1 week camp. I'd tell DH I was irritated for that reason. |
Anonymous
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You are in the wrong to be a rationally furious about this, but this is not what you are actually upset about. You are upset because you are stuck in the position of doing everything and treating your husband like an employee who needs to be fired.
You need to go to couples therapy and individual therapy to work through this. The reality is that you are micromanaging an awful lot here (such as giving him directions three times instead of simply giving him the address and trusting that he is a grown man you can find his own way there even without GPS). At that level of supervision on your part, he is not making any choices and he is not a part of the vision you are trying to pursue. If you want him to be a team player, then you will have to give him an equal share in the decision-making. Are you ready for him to say that some of the things you worry about and prioritize don't matter to him? Could you treat that opinion as valid instead of automatically assuming he's just too lazy to prioritize those things? You ultimately need to figure out how to communicate as a couple well enough to come up with agreed-upon priorities and tasks that both of you together have decided need to be accomplished. Then you can work out a fair split for those tasks. Right now if you present your husband with your to do list and ask him to take over half of it, he is simply going to tell you that most of the tasks on your list are unnecessary and the conversation will stall right there. |
Anonymous
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I completely get you, OP. I am so sick of providing simple directions only to have the goal of the entire project deemed unnecessary.
"Just pick up some boneless chicken breasts and green beans for dinner." For which I have already set aside the rest of the ingredients for a healthy meal. "We got a pizza." |
Anonymous
Was he being lazy or was he doing a bunch of fun things with his son. It was the last day of a camp that DS didn't like. It's not something to be furious about. It was a four day camp that mom made him do. Maybe he got to spend some time with dad and they talked about life or something important happening in his life that he didn't want to discuss with mom. Maybe DS will remember this day as a day when he skipped that crappy camp mom made him do but he really spent time with his father and learned about his dad as a person. I don't think it's fair for her to walk in the house being furious with her husband. It sounds like he doesn't spend a lot of time with dad. This is not DS's fault. I think mom and dad need to have a conversation so she doesn't feel so overwhelmed. |
Anonymous
OP doesn't sound fun at all. About anything. She just sounds like a manic helicopter mom who gets upset whenever her DH or DS don't want to do exactly what she wants. She needs to be in therapy to figure out why she is so controlling before her DH dumps her and her DS doesn't tune her out entirely. |