Talk me out of being pissed at my husband about this

[Anonymous]

You complain that you are the default parent and then you shut down any initiative.

What do you want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh I would be really angry but I'd need to chill because
1. you have not gotten buy-in from your husband on your vision for your kids
2. you do too much and insulate him from the demands of kids enrichment (and probably everything else)
3. men rarely have the same interest in giving kids the right inputs and experiences
4. and in my observation, women are more attuned to the needs of friend cultivating among kids.
5. since it was your thing, you should have gotten your kid's best friend's mom to drive your kid and just leave your husband out of it. (His inability to 'get' the route made it clear he was not into it and likely to drop the ball.

I know this is all a PITA but address your own anxieties about the kid's needs, and don't transfer them to your husband. He has other kid-rearing things he cares about (that you probably don't care a whit about and that's fine, that's how parenting SHOULD work.)

+1000
One of the biggest points of parenting contention for us is the enrichment balance. How far do you drive for this awesome summer camp? Do we have enough time for our kids to have enrichment in arts, stem, sports, and foreign language? Should the kids attend academically oriented summer camp?

I have to get DH's buy-in for two reasons. One, I saw my mom make the decisions and the call for my dad to execute. I remember epic arguments over him dropping here or picking up there. It was terrible. For a long time it made my dad the bad guy in my mind because it made me feel like I was a burden and it was just better to not want to do anything then parents fight that the other should take you. Then one day when I was working and living at home one summer my mom did that to me with my much younger sister's. Being on the other end when you don't have a say in the commitment for them to do xyz, but have to drop everything and by the way told about it when you are half awake the morning of ...it's not cool and incredibly frustrating. The second reason is related to the first, I can't do it all working full-time, not should I because it is important for the kid's dad to be involved - he will have strengths I don't have and vice versa. Since I need some level of DH's involvement, he has to buy-in to what we commit out time and money to do with the kids. So we we at a compromise where they do less than I want, but maybe more than he would arrange and still probably double or triple what I was involved in when I was their age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I completely get you, OP. I am so sick of providing simple directions only to have the goal of the entire project deemed unnecessary.

"Just pick up some boneless chicken breasts and green beans for dinner." For which I have already set aside the rest of the ingredients for a healthy meal.

"We got a pizza."

I'm that DW and that would be me! Let's start at the core. Does your spouse agree with the importance of healthy meals? If the answer is no, basically it's your show as long as you do the work. I think best case there is that he doesn't undermine you with the kids (I.e. He has fruit loops for dinner while the kids are eating chicken and green beans) and supports and appreciates that you are cooking. If he really believes in health food/living, the next question is does he cook? Because I would imagine it would need to be one of his goals to be able to pull together a healthy meal when you aren't around so he has a go to dish.

My DH's does most of the cooking and when he travels for work, he will ask me what food I will need and we discuss possible meals. Since I am working full-time and have cloth drop-off and pick-up I am looking for something quick and easy like pasta or reheating the protein/meat, and making the frozen/microwaveable veggies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I completely get you, OP. I am so sick of providing simple directions only to have the goal of the entire project deemed unnecessary.

"Just pick up some boneless chicken breasts and green beans for dinner." For which I have already set aside the rest of the ingredients for a healthy meal.

"We got a pizza."

Yes, because he's not on board with being dictated to. He should speak up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You complain that you are the default parent and then you shut down any initiative.

What do you want?

It's not initiative. It's disruptive. her DH will do this ONE disruptive, thoughtless action because he doesn't know how the game workarounda the houses. DOESN'T want to know. Then he will check out again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they really spending the day doing things together? If so, I would be okay with it. If they are just in the same house together but your son is in his room and DH is watching tv then I would bebpissed.

Why would you be okay with that? DH is an adult. If he wants to spend a day with his kid, he should pick a day the kid is not enrolled in camp. It's plain as day the DH was being lazy. Not the end of the world, but at least admit the truth. Also, sending a bad message to his DC to do that IMO.

OP, I'd be pissed too.

Was he being lazy or was he doing a bunch of fun things with his son. It was the last day of a camp that DS didn't like. It's not something to be furious about. It was a four day camp that mom made him do. Maybe he got to spend some time with dad and they talked about life or something important happening in his life that he didn't want to discuss with mom. Maybe DS will remember this day as a day when he skipped that crappy camp mom made him do but he really spent time with his father and learned about his dad as a person. I don't think it's fair for her to walk in the house being furious with her husband. It sounds like he doesn't spend a lot of time with dad. This is not DS's fault. I think mom and dad need to have a conversation so she doesn't feel so overwhelmed.

This is really thoughtful, and OP should take this to heart. Before you accuse or berate, consider the bigger picture about what is important in making a family close and loving, in making your kids feel confident and supported and happy, and in respecting that your husband may have different parenting goals and styles than you do.

If you do, in fact, do all of the work around the house, then you should have a discussion with your husband about balancing the stress more equally, and that includes accepting that he might not have the same vision as you do about what needs to be done around the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have 2 kids, both work FT, and I'm the default parent to the max. All things kid-related fall on me, as well as shopping, cooking, laundry, yardwork. My husband does clean up nightly and pay for a weekly cleaner, but he is incredibly helpless with a lot of basic skills. I had enrolled our tween son in a sports camp this week - he's not into sports but this was something he was willing to try. And honestly he needs to find some outlet where he can get some kind of physical activity. Camp was pricey and it entailed an inconvenient dropoff/pickup route. I did it Mon-Wed but had a work event from dawn to dusk today and needed my husband to do the driving. He just got back from a short work trip and I coached him thru the location (he doesn't have a smart phone for navigation) repeatedly.

Midway thru the day my husband calls, telling me that they decided to skip camp and just hang out. Today was the final day of the camp and the last chance my kid will have to try this sport for some time to come. No one bothered to tell my son's best friend, who only enrolled in the camp because they were both going. I am beyond furious about this, and I know it's slightly irrational.

I know my son didn't love the camp, but he was willing to try it and seemed to like it more each day. If he was miserable, I wouldn't have made him go back. I'm mad at my husband because I know he was just being lazy - he was tired from his trip and didn't want to do the inconvenient drive to the camp. I feel like I literally have to do every damn thing or else he will just opt not to do it. This happens with so many things, and I've kind of adjusted to the point where I will do anything I have to do. But ultimately sometimes I just can't, and this is just one episode where my kids are the losers in the process. Am I overreacting?? Any advice?

A smart phone isn't the end all-be all to being able to navigate your way to a destination. Your DH could have printed out directions from a home computer or you could have emailed him directions. This is such a lame excuse. How does he get anywhere?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You complain that you are the default parent and then you shut down any initiative.

What do you want?

They paid for camp and missed two days - she wants him to actually take the kid to the camp they paid for.

[Anonymous]

I totally understand your complaint. I haven't read the responses, so here's hoping DCUM isn't doing the crazy today and attacking OPs for no reason.

The thing I would use to feel better, and it would really work, is that unforced teenage time with a parent is so, so valuable.

[Anonymous]

Yes, i would be pissed. We sacrifice for those camps, so missing the last day because he cannot be bothered to drive him and gives a lame "we had a family day! " would annoy me. What to do about it? I don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand your complaint. I haven't read the responses, so here's hoping DCUM isn't doing the crazy today and attacking OPs for no reason.

The thing I would use to feel better, and it would really work, is that unforced teenage time with a parent is so, so valuable.

I just remembered that just this summer my husband has taken our kids out of camp on the last two days twice. One of my kids also needs a boost with camp, so it was a little frustrating. But they love spending time with dad and that's more important than a few days of camp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I completely get you, OP. I am so sick of providing simple directions only to have the goal of the entire project deemed unnecessary.

"Just pick up some boneless chicken breasts and green beans for dinner." For which I have already set aside the rest of the ingredients for a healthy meal.

"We got a pizza."

As a husband, there's nothing worse than getting "directions" from my wife. It's when I get treated like another one of the kids, and no I don't act like one, that I shut down and do what I like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I completely get you, OP. I am so sick of providing simple directions only to have the goal of the entire project deemed unnecessary.

"Just pick up some boneless chicken breasts and green beans for dinner." For which I have already set aside the rest of the ingredients for a healthy meal.

"We got a pizza."

As a husband, there's nothing worse than getting "directions" from my wife. It's when I get treated like another one of the kids, and no I don't act like one, that I shut down and do what I like.

I don't think we know enough here to assume that DH doesn't act like another one of the kids and expect the directions. These online scenarios are tough because we only get one side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I completely get you, OP. I am so sick of providing simple directions only to have the goal of the entire project deemed unnecessary.

"Just pick up some boneless chicken breasts and green beans for dinner." For which I have already set aside the rest of the ingredients for a healthy meal.

"We got a pizza."

Ugh--this sounds just like my DH! Yes OP, you should be pissed. You put in all the work and he gets to be fun dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I completely get you, OP. I am so sick of providing simple directions only to have the goal of the entire project deemed unnecessary.

"Just pick up some boneless chicken breasts and green beans for dinner." For which I have already set aside the rest of the ingredients for a healthy meal.

"We got a pizza."

As a husband, there's nothing worse than getting "directions" from my wife. It's when I get treated like another one of the kids, and no I don't act like one, that I shut down and do what I like.

I'm not the PP, but have been in this situation too. As a wife, there's nothing worse than being expected to make dinner, explaining what is needed for dinner, and having my husband change the plan completely. We agreed as a family to eat healthy dinners together. He agreed to stop by the store on the way home if we were out of something. I agreed to do the cooking. I don't think it's being "treated like a child" to say, "Hey, while you're at the store, can you get X and Y for dinner?" It's actually treating him like a partner. When he disregards the plan we agreed to, he's acting like a child, though.