Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

[Anonymous]

If the sand’s existence is bothering you, just vacuum it. Or don’t vacuum it. But it’s not fair to expect him to do it on your timeline (which seems to be asap).

Sounds like a lot of tit for that after hearing the sand story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the sand’s existence is bothering you, just vacuum it. Or don’t vacuum it. But it’s not fair to expect him to do it on your timeline (which seems to be asap).

Sounds like a lot of tit for that after hearing the sand story.

What if his timeline is "never", though?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I haven’t been on in a few days. Dh got back from his trip, I had therapy, and I’ve obviously been busy solo with my dd for the week. I’ve been trying really hard to dwell on the positive and give him the benefit of the doubt. We had our normal day schedule today. I spent the morning doing things that made me feel good. Went to a Zumba class, went thrift store shopping etc. I had plans to take dd to a very cool
Playground far from our house and to make a nice outing of it. I asked dh if he wanted to join to make it a family outing. He said he wanted to but was too tired from his trip. He took dd to play in the sandbox at our neighborhood playground this morning. Looks like she had a good time, bc there is a pile of sand from her shoes that dh dumped out by the front door. I
Like an actual small pile of sand. I cheerfully asked dh this afternoon what that was about. He said dd’s shoes were full of sand and he hadn’t gotten around to vacuuming it up yet. I cheerfully said ok, cool.

Dh has spent the evening watching boxing and basketball. The pile of sand is still there.
(No this isn’t me being petty about sand)
It’s a microcosm. A part of me wants to clean it up (martyr?) just to be done with it already.
A part of me says, hell no! He’s an able bodied adult in this home. Why should I clean up a mess he made?
Another part of me- that incessant drum beat- is saying…this is never going to change. If I ask him to clean it up, he will accuse me of being a nag. I know it’s not even on his radar to clean it. He’s just waiting for me to handle it.

We used to have a lot of fun. We used to be wildly madly into each other. As someone posted earlier, it’s hard to be that carefree easygoing girl I was at 21 when we met, when so much has changed. I miss the peace quiet and routine me and dd had while he was gone. I’m tired of walking on eggshells. Literally ruminating on whether it’s worth it to “disturb the peace” and mention that the sand again. I’d rather jsut clean it myself (martyr) than risk the blowback I’ll get from asking him to do it. That will fuel my resentful fire. Lather rinse repeat.

The idea that you are a martyr just because you use a dust buster to clean up some sand from your preschooler’s outing is absolutely messed up. Why are you making everything into a power struggle?

If you two don’t run to marriage therapy, this relationship is over if it already isn’t. There’s too much contempt and resentment here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I haven’t been on in a few days. Dh got back from his trip, I had therapy, and I’ve obviously been busy solo with my dd for the week. I’ve been trying really hard to dwell on the positive and give him the benefit of the doubt. We had our normal day schedule today. I spent the morning doing things that made me feel good. Went to a Zumba class, went thrift store shopping etc. I had plans to take dd to a very cool
Playground far from our house and to make a nice outing of it. I asked dh if he wanted to join to make it a family outing. He said he wanted to but was too tired from his trip. He took dd to play in the sandbox at our neighborhood playground this morning. Looks like she had a good time, bc there is a pile of sand from her shoes that dh dumped out by the front door. I
Like an actual small pile of sand. I cheerfully asked dh this afternoon what that was about. He said dd’s shoes were full of sand and he hadn’t gotten around to vacuuming it up yet. I cheerfully said ok, cool.

Dh has spent the evening watching boxing and basketball. The pile of sand is still there.
(No this isn’t me being petty about sand)
It’s a microcosm. A part of me wants to clean it up (martyr?) just to be done with it already.
A part of me says, hell no! He’s an able bodied adult in this home. Why should I clean up a mess he made?
Another part of me- that incessant drum beat- is saying…this is never going to change. If I ask him to clean it up, he will accuse me of being a nag. I know it’s not even on his radar to clean it. He’s just waiting for me to handle it.

We used to have a lot of fun. We used to be wildly madly into each other. As someone posted earlier, it’s hard to be that carefree easygoing girl I was at 21 when we met, when so much has changed. I miss the peace quiet and routine me and dd had while he was gone. I’m tired of walking on eggshells. Literally ruminating on whether it’s worth it to “disturb the peace” and mention that the sand again. I’d rather jsut clean it myself (martyr) than risk the blowback I’ll get from asking him to do it. That will fuel my resentful fire. Lather rinse repeat.

that was eerily familiar to me (and well written!). just wanted to reassure you OP that you and your child will be just great. i am a few years ahead of you and how this plays out a few years later is - your child has happy memories of one on one time with each parent, kid is very independent now and you get your me time without relying on your POS husband, your house is always a mess so you never have people over, your marriage is defacto over but you aren't divorced. it's not the stuff of anyone's dreams but a peaceful detente.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I haven’t been on in a few days. Dh got back from his trip, I had therapy, and I’ve obviously been busy solo with my dd for the week. I’ve been trying really hard to dwell on the positive and give him the benefit of the doubt. We had our normal day schedule today. I spent the morning doing things that made me feel good. Went to a Zumba class, went thrift store shopping etc. I had plans to take dd to a very cool
Playground far from our house and to make a nice outing of it. I asked dh if he wanted to join to make it a family outing. He said he wanted to but was too tired from his trip. He took dd to play in the sandbox at our neighborhood playground this morning. Looks like she had a good time, bc there is a pile of sand from her shoes that dh dumped out by the front door. I
Like an actual small pile of sand. I cheerfully asked dh this afternoon what that was about. He said dd’s shoes were full of sand and he hadn’t gotten around to vacuuming it up yet. I cheerfully said ok, cool.

Dh has spent the evening watching boxing and basketball. The pile of sand is still there.
(No this isn’t me being petty about sand)
It’s a microcosm. A part of me wants to clean it up (martyr?) just to be done with it already.
A part of me says, hell no! He’s an able bodied adult in this home. Why should I clean up a mess he made?
Another part of me- that incessant drum beat- is saying…this is never going to change. If I ask him to clean it up, he will accuse me of being a nag. I know it’s not even on his radar to clean it. He’s just waiting for me to handle it.

We used to have a lot of fun. We used to be wildly madly into each other. As someone posted earlier, it’s hard to be that carefree easygoing girl I was at 21 when we met, when so much has changed. I miss the peace quiet and routine me and dd had while he was gone. I’m tired of walking on eggshells. Literally ruminating on whether it’s worth it to “disturb the peace” and mention that the sand again. I’d rather jsut clean it myself (martyr) than risk the blowback I’ll get from asking him to do it. That will fuel my resentful fire. Lather rinse repeat.

OP, I'm a mom who needs a lot of "me time". I also have an only child, similar stage, and still feel overwhelmed sometimes. So I get some of your perspective.

Here's my advice: LET THE SAND GO. It doesn't matter.

For the most part I agree. It’s one thing. It feels like a big deal but it’s one thing. I’m sympathetic because I still remember a thread on here about how people handle snow days and I vented that my husband and I were splitting the day (we each had meetings we needed to attend virtually) and while he was watching the kids he gave them hot chocolate and took them sledding and I came out to exhausted kids who were starving and a completely trashed house and it was so frustrating to have to clean up the rest of the day while trying to make lunch and dinner and not get to have fun. It felt annoying because my husband wanted a Pat on the back and was bragging about how much fun he had and I was like well yeah, you get to be the fun parent because I am making it all happen! But you have to remember in actuality this is one thing. Don’t make it about you ALWAYS so x yz. So address it or not but stay calm.

[Anonymous]

It feels like I either have to spend my life cleaning up after another adult, like a maid
Or
I have to bite my tongue and accept that my husband won’t do the things he says he will do, and we live like hyenas?

The vacuum is still there, next to the pile of sand. He is casually watching Sunday morning shows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It feels like I either have to spend my life cleaning up after another adult, like a maid
Or
I have to bite my tongue and accept that my husband won’t do the things he says he will do, and we live like hyenas?

The vacuum is still there, next to the pile of sand. He is casually watching Sunday morning shows.

Have you tried saying clearly that you would like him to clean up the sand? And once you ask clearly instead of saying “what is that about “ if he doesn’t do it in 12 hours you can say it’s really bothering you that he left the sand. Honestly you need to decide which way you are going to go with this.

[Anonymous]

There is so much wrong with all of this. Get the 3 yr old to clean up her mess. She made it, not the DH. And again you want to control your husband on "his" time after he spent all morning with the daughter. He wants to relax on his time, after a week long trip, like you did on "your" time. He doesn't want to go to the park to chase a kid around. Why can't he also spend his time doing things that make him feel good?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It feels like I either have to spend my life cleaning up after another adult, like a maid
Or
I have to bite my tongue and accept that my husband won’t do the things he says he will do, and we live like hyenas?

The vacuum is still there, next to the pile of sand. He is casually watching Sunday morning shows.

Show your daughter how to do it, the sand is from HER shoes.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a FB group of about 60 moms and I remember one of them starting a post about how her husband kept refilling a dirty pot with new suds instead of just cleaning in. And we were all, oh you poor thing, he sounds awful, and she said . . . No, this is the man I love. This is funny to me. I don't care if he's ever going to clean the pot. I just laugh at the insanity of refilling it with water 10 times instead of just cleaning it.

I remember thinking, oh, I could just . . . laugh at my husband's foibles? It wasn't a lesson I had really learned yet. I think I've learned it now. The key is just to be in an earnest place. No tit for tat, just giving the benefit of the doubt. Why assume your husband knows the sand is driving you crazy and is choosing not to vacuum it just to treat you like a maid? That's not the simplest explanation. The simplest explanation is that it's not a big deal to him and he honestly believes he'll get to it later. He isn't aware of his tendency to put things off (and maybe the fact that you swoop in and do them before he has to recognize that he's bad at follow through is compounding things). He feels like being tired after travel is a good enough reason to give himself a break.

I DO think he should understand how his actions impact you. I just wouldn't assign malice to this failure on his part. The way you make this happen is by doing your part to give grace, give the benefit of the doubt, etc. That doesn't mean eating your frustration. It just means that when you express it, you do it like this: "I know you're so exhausted, which I totally get, but this sand is driving me crazy and I know you don't want a crazy wife. Could you please handle it before dinner?" The feelings underneath your request are slight amusement at your husband's silliness, slight amusement at your own silliness, and a desire to have peace while also not having sand on your floor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I haven’t been on in a few days. Dh got back from his trip, I had therapy, and I’ve obviously been busy solo with my dd for the week. I’ve been trying really hard to dwell on the positive and give him the benefit of the doubt. We had our normal day schedule today. I spent the morning doing things that made me feel good. Went to a Zumba class, went thrift store shopping etc. I had plans to take dd to a very cool
Playground far from our house and to make a nice outing of it. I asked dh if he wanted to join to make it a family outing. He said he wanted to but was too tired from his trip. He took dd to play in the sandbox at our neighborhood playground this morning. Looks like she had a good time, bc there is a pile of sand from her shoes that dh dumped out by the front door. I
Like an actual small pile of sand. I cheerfully asked dh this afternoon what that was about. He said dd’s shoes were full of sand and he hadn’t gotten around to vacuuming it up yet. I cheerfully said ok, cool.

Dh has spent the evening watching boxing and basketball. The pile of sand is still there.
(No this isn’t me being petty about sand)
It’s a microcosm. A part of me wants to clean it up (martyr?) just to be done with it already.
A part of me says, hell no! He’s an able bodied adult in this home. Why should I clean up a mess he made?
Another part of me- that incessant drum beat- is saying…this is never going to change. If I ask him to clean it up, he will accuse me of being a nag. I know it’s not even on his radar to clean it. He’s just waiting for me to handle it.

We used to have a lot of fun. We used to be wildly madly into each other. As someone posted earlier, it’s hard to be that carefree easygoing girl I was at 21 when we met, when so much has changed. I miss the peace quiet and routine me and dd had while he was gone. I’m tired of walking on eggshells. Literally ruminating on whether it’s worth it to “disturb the peace” and mention that the sand again. I’d rather jsut clean it myself (martyr) than risk the blowback I’ll get from asking him to do it. That will fuel my resentful fire. Lather rinse repeat.

Lolll. Do you have any idea how ABSOLUTELY ridiculous you sound??

We get it, you hate your husband. If you want our permission to leave him, here it is: go forth, do it. But you are petty and dramatic and negative; if you leave him, you’re still going to be unhappy and find things to constantly complain about.

I love how you had YOUR solo morning time, then try to throw in the fact that you invited him to do a family park outing (during HIS planned solo time) and he opted out as if it reflects poorly on him.

For the amount of time and energy you are spending obsessing about the sand…wtf. Just let it go. Either stop thinking about it, or just go take the .4 seconds and vacuum it up - whichever will take up less real estate in your brain. I can guarantee you this: if he was as vocal, passive aggressive and dramatic as you are about every little thing you do which he doesn’t like, your home would be one of great disharmony.
You are the kind of person who is meant to be alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a FB group of about 60 moms and I remember one of them starting a post about how her husband kept refilling a dirty pot with new suds instead of just cleaning in. And we were all, oh you poor thing, he sounds awful, and she said . . . No, this is the man I love. This is funny to me. I don't care if he's ever going to clean the pot. I just laugh at the insanity of refilling it with water 10 times instead of just cleaning it.

I remember thinking, oh, I could just . . . laugh at my husband's foibles? It wasn't a lesson I had really learned yet. I think I've learned it now. The key is just to be in an earnest place. No tit for tat, just giving the benefit of the doubt. Why assume your husband knows the sand is driving you crazy and is choosing not to vacuum it just to treat you like a maid? That's not the simplest explanation. The simplest explanation is that it's not a big deal to him and he honestly believes he'll get to it later. He isn't aware of his tendency to put things off (and maybe the fact that you swoop in and do them before he has to recognize that he's bad at follow through is compounding things). He feels like being tired after travel is a good enough reason to give himself a break.

I DO think he should understand how his actions impact you. I just wouldn't assign malice to this failure on his part. The way you make this happen is by doing your part to give grace, give the benefit of the doubt, etc. That doesn't mean eating your frustration. It just means that when you express it, you do it like this: "I know you're so exhausted, which I totally get, but this sand is driving me crazy and I know you don't want a crazy wife. Could you please handle it before dinner?" The feelings underneath your request are slight amusement at your husband's silliness, slight amusement at your own silliness, and a desire to have peace while also not having sand on your floor.

You are wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the sand’s existence is bothering you, just vacuum it. Or don’t vacuum it. But it’s not fair to expect him to do it on your timeline (which seems to be asap).

Sounds like a lot of tit for that after hearing the sand story.

+1 I don’t think you would do well married to ANY human

[Anonymous]

I get some of what OP is saying, although I don’t think the sand is a big deal. But I’ll just say this…..

You and your husband are not your child’s servant/entertainers. The child splits her weekend day being intensively played with my mom or dad. Nothing is expected of her such as learning to use a broom. She doesn’t ever play be herself?

If you keep up with that you will always be exhausted and fuming over some sand.

It is not only ok but highly desirable that children stay home with both parents and entertain themselves without screens while the adults do chores and perhaps even read a book or have a conversation.

I fell into this trap with my oldest who is almost a teen (with some special needs) and I regret it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is so much wrong with all of this. Get the 3 yr old to clean up her mess. She made it, not the DH. And again you want to control your husband on "his" time after he spent all morning with the daughter. He wants to relax on his time, after a week long trip, like you did on "your" time. He doesn't want to go to the park to chase a kid around. Why can't he also spend his time doing things that make him feel good?

My dd did not make the mess. Dh said he told her to not take her own shoes off bc they were full of sand. She knows how to take off her shoes and put them away. He took them off, dumped the sand on the floor and left it.
I don’t mind that db said no to the park. I was sharing it so people see that I attempt to create family outings and do things together.

I’d love to see the responses if a dh posted and said his wife dumped sand on the floor and hadn’t cleaned up the mess she made almost a day later. No onr would say/ dh, either you clean it up or accept this as one of her idiosyncrasies.

Hell no. Everyone wouid say she sounds lazy and rude.