googling exes: what's okay, what's problematic

[Anonymous]

married 8 years, 1 kids. spouse googles ex (or things related to ex) weekly, and probably a lot more--this is only what turned up on my computer, which is often shared, not on spouse's other devices which accounts for 80% of use.

fwiw, I did not snoop until the ex's name kept popping up whenever I started typing a word beginning with the same first letter. Finally looked at google account history and saw this pattern for the last year.

do I let this pass? bring it up? I'm honestly not sure how I feel myself. Our marriage is okay, could be more passionate.

Spouse hasn't done anything wrong. There is no crime in googling, I trust spouse is not cheating, or anything like that. It is more that it reinforces some anxiety I feel that even after marriage and kids, spouse is still more hung up on ex than in love with me. I mean, I google exes, but maybe once or twice a year. This particular ex is also a hot button issue for me. Most I wouldn't care about. But spouse's strong feelings for this ex was one cause of an early break up we experienced; spouse also made plans to see ex without informing me (I found out and got very angry). But again, its not that spouse has done anything wrong or is untrustworthy. I just feel sad, like even all all this time, the fantasy of the past is more alluring than what we have. Am I being silly? Should I drop this? Or is it worth bringing up--not accusingly, but getting to the real issues. I am almost afraid of hearing that I'm right. That I've always been second best.

[Anonymous]

He's with you. You are real. She's just a dream.

(I would be devastated if I saw this. I probably would talk about it but then regret that because he would resort to erasing his search history.)

[Anonymous]

I would be annoyed too, not sure I would bring it up. Sorry OP!

[Anonymous]

It would bother me BUT I'm old now and if he did look, she can have him.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I've been in your spouse's shoes. The ex I googled was in my life for so many years, we always thought we'd end up together and when I got engaged it broke him for a time. I felt his pain more than my joy. I guess I did that more than once. Anyway, sometimes a person is kind of in your veins even if your daily life doesn't reflect that. I have thought of what if of course but that is a mirage. My DH is here, he does the work, he deals with me, I love the real life him and he loves the real life me. It's true that other person is a fantasy. My therapist said maybe it's a good thing. (I did think maybe I need a new therapist when she said that fwiw)

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't bring it up because then he will just erase all history.

[Anonymous]

OP, does your husband have any OCD tendencies? I mention this because I do, and when I am feeling anxious, I google things in an obsessive manner. It's not the healthiest coping mechanism, but it does relieve anxiety and then I go about my business. It has never led to anything.

So maybe your DH has been under stress at work or with the family and this is just a little diversion for him.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't bring it up because then he will just erase all history.

OP here. I am struggling with this. On the one hand, I get this tendency to have some control, to see how much, how frequently, this is happening. But there's a part of me that recoils from that--I feel like that will poison our relationship. I want spouse to know because then they will stop doing this on my computer and then maybe I wont be obsessively checking. I know it wont change anything--spouse will think and feel whatever they think and feel, and will continue to seek out information on other devices. I mean, at the end of the day, you cannot control how someone feels, about you or someone else. I feel like I would just keep hurting myself by looking and finding, and not saying anything.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would bring it up. It will start a discussion about what might be missing from your marriage that is causing him to do this. I was googling my ex as my marriage was falling apart. It was more nostalgia than anything else. I was never in love with him.

[Anonymous]

If he is doing this on a weekly basis, then yes this doesn't bode well for your marriage OP.

You say he isn't doing anything wrong but I truly beg to differ.
His looking up his ex is waving one red flag after another in my face.

[Anonymous]

Why does everyone assume this is a woman talking about her husband? I don't see any reference to gender in OP's writing.

[Anonymous]

For a few years there (+5) I would add my phone number with my ex girlfriends phone number anytime I got near a calculator. This was early 90's, I took that dumping particularly bad, even though I was with a new woman I kept thinking about how I should've done this or that. Your guy may be hung up on what he perceives as a failure, I know I was. I've been with my wife for 19 years and I would never give up what we have; but part of me would love to go back to 91, stop snorting coke and have a week to redo a mess of my own making.


Your google searcher doesn't want to be with her, he's probably just stuck a bit; don't confront, he's with you and this will fade.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP, that would not be comforting to find. I think it's not good to be reminded of this person every time you start typing a word beginning with that letter. I think I would probably let your spouse know that you are seeing this name every time you type things with the letter, and I would do it in a non-confrontational way, just a matter of fact way. You could ask if everything's okay with the ex, and leave it at that. I don't know if it's anything you really want to get into with him at this point, but kind of just let your spouse know so you don't feel like you're keeping a secret. I actually think it might be good for your sanity if your spouse cleared his/her searches if you really believe nothing bad is going on (aside from some old fantasizing), so you don't have to see the ex's name all of the time.

I will say that fantasies can be harmful sometimes if they take away from working on a relationship. It's totally okay to have some fantasies, but it's not good to get lost in them to the extent it is an escape from a real relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone assume this is a woman talking about her husband? I don't see any reference to gender in OP's writing.

Ha! That's what I was thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone assume this is a woman talking about her husband? I don't see any reference to gender in OP's writing.

Ha! That's what I was thinking.

Who cares! The posters are assigning whatever gender, it doesn't matter. But I tend to think that the poster is a woman, most men would go off half cocked and instantly confront upon discovery; women on a greater side of average tend to gather information first before acting.