googling exes: what's okay, what's problematic

[Anonymous]

OP here. I brought it up. Not accusatory or angry, but said that this was hurtful, whether intended or not, and that it brought up some uncomfortable questions for me--is there something missing in our marriage that is prompting this? what issues should we address? have I been contributing to these impulses? do you think this is perhaps not healthy?

I am glad I said something. I know that otherwise I would spend my time keeping tabs on my spouse, and feeling hurt. That is definitely not what I want in a marriage. It would be different if I thought they were actually in contact or cheating but that's not the case.

But now we have to face the bigger issue. And of course what really hurts is this feeling--why am I not enough? What if I truly am always going to be the runner up in the fantasy contest for the perfect partner? While there are some things I had with others than I dont have with my spouse, I would never trade them for anyone else. But I can't say the same for my spouse, and that is painful to consider. Also makes me wonder if one day, when our kids are grown, spouse will just up and leave, because its turned out that all these years they've been pining for someone else. Spouse denies, assures me of their love and commitment, of course. But its hard to trust that 100 Percent.

[Anonymous]

Hit the gym, lawyer up and delete their social media accounts from your profile. That's how to move on.

[Anonymous]

There are many variations of this. Spouses who are constantly battling exes over their kids and child support etc. always strike me as not being over the relationship. I always wonder how their spouses handle the constant attention given the ex in the form of conflict. I would not want to be married to someone who constantly thinks of someone else. The relationship falls under the "better than nothing" category. I'm sorry OP. : (

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I brought it up. Not accusatory or angry, but said that this was hurtful, whether intended or not, and that it brought up some uncomfortable questions for me--is there something missing in our marriage that is prompting this? what issues should we address? have I been contributing to these impulses? do you think this is perhaps not healthy?

I am glad I said something. I know that otherwise I would spend my time keeping tabs on my spouse, and feeling hurt. That is definitely not what I want in a marriage. It would be different if I thought they were actually in contact or cheating but that's not the case.

But now we have to face the bigger issue. And of course what really hurts is this feeling--why am I not enough? What if I truly am always going to be the runner up in the fantasy contest for the perfect partner? While there are some things I had with others than I dont have with my spouse, I would never trade them for anyone else. But I can't say the same for my spouse, and that is painful to consider. Also makes me wonder if one day, when our kids are grown, spouse will just up and leave, because its turned out that all these years they've been pining for someone else. Spouse denies, assures me of their love and commitment, of course. But its hard to trust that 100 Percent.

I am glad that you raised the issue with your spouse, and it sounds like you did it in the right way. You should look at this as a jumping off point to greater openness. In my experience, as marriages go along, people get closer or grow apart, and it takes real effort to keep the relationship moving in the direction of closeness. Over time, that work pays dividends. Talking with each openly about past relationships, and any current thoughts on them, might raise some uncomfortable topics, but it will at least get rid of the unknown, and it might spice up your relationship a bit. And it will help foster more closeness. As for your feelings of insecurity, that's natural. Don't beat yourself up about it, but realize that it might be based on some faulty assumptions. You should just continue to talk things through.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you ever talk to your spouse about this in a calm manner? My DW has always wondered about an ex of mine and whether I still have feelings. And I answered honestly when it came up. Yes, I will be forever grateful to her for helping me get through a difficult time in my life but we were not destined to be a forever couple. Is that so bad? Maybe if you talked about this you would know a lot more instead of thinking of the other person as possessing some kind of aura.

[Anonymous]

Not a big deal at all. I google exes here and there and have for years. Why, because some I want to see how their lives have ended up. A few that dumped me I was hoping they were kind of miserable, lol. One is still a loser and living alone with his cat as I predicted. I also Google my spouses exes and have gotten quite a laugh. Seriously people are dumb that post their real names on FB etc. It's scary how much you can find out, but most I know do the same. Public info. people.

When you put all this stuff on the internet the search engines will bring it all right to you. I was able to see my exes divorce which was a good laugh. He and his wife fought over the cat and the judge gave my ex visitation while she got custody!!!

OP don't say anything, not a big deal at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I brought it up. Not accusatory or angry, but said that this was hurtful, whether intended or not, and that it brought up some uncomfortable questions for me--is there something missing in our marriage that is prompting this? what issues should we address? have I been contributing to these impulses? do you think this is perhaps not healthy?

I am glad I said something. I know that otherwise I would spend my time keeping tabs on my spouse, and feeling hurt. That is definitely not what I want in a marriage. It would be different if I thought they were actually in contact or cheating but that's not the case.

But now we have to face the bigger issue. And of course what really hurts is this feeling--why am I not enough? What if I truly am always going to be the runner up in the fantasy contest for the perfect partner? While there are some things I had with others than I dont have with my spouse, I would never trade them for anyone else. But I can't say the same for my spouse, and that is painful to consider. Also makes me wonder if one day, when our kids are grown, spouse will just up and leave, because its turned out that all these years they've been pining for someone else. Spouse denies, assures me of their love and commitment, of course. But its hard to trust that 100 Percent.

Most I know have looked up their exes or old friends. Why do you think it means other things??? Did he admit it or something?

[Anonymous]

Not a big deal at all. I google exes here and there and have for years. Why, because some I want to see how their lives have ended up. A few that dumped me I was hoping they were kind of miserable, lol. One is still a loser and living alone with his cat as I predicted. I also Google my spouses exes and have gotten quite a laugh. Seriously people are dumb that post their real names on FB etc. It's scary how much you can find out, but most I know do the same. Public info. people.

When you put all this stuff on the internet the search engines will bring it all right to you. I was able to see my exes divorce which was a good laugh. He and his wife fought over the cat and the judge gave my ex visitation while she got custody!!!

OP don't say anything, not a big deal at all.

OP here Do you google your exes every week? every few days?

I know its not a crime--but its not the googling itself. We all do it. Its the frequency. Somewhere between weekly and daily, for at least a year (as far back as the history goes), perhaps the entire length of our marriage for all I know. Perhaps since we had kids. This isn't the occasional "I wonder what ever happened to..." its something else, that seems, well, unhealthy. To me anyway. Seems like a lot of energy and emotion that could/should be directed elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear your point. There is a difference between natural curiosity and living through this stuff. Ball is in your court. What are you going to do?

[Anonymous]

I google my ex regularly (once a month ish) and have no desire to be with him. T ALL. It's just curiosity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Not a big deal at all. I google exes here and there and have for years. Why, because some I want to see how their lives have ended up. A few that dumped me I was hoping they were kind of miserable, lol. One is still a loser and living alone with his cat as I predicted. I also Google my spouses exes and have gotten quite a laugh. Seriously people are dumb that post their real names on FB etc. It's scary how much you can find out, but most I know do the same. Public info. people.

When you put all this stuff on the internet the search engines will bring it all right to you. I was able to see my exes divorce which was a good laugh. He and his wife fought over the cat and the judge gave my ex visitation while she got custody!!!

OP don't say anything, not a big deal at all.

OP here Do you google your exes every week? every few days?

I know its not a crime--but its not the googling itself. We all do it. Its the frequency. Somewhere between weekly and daily, for at least a year (as far back as the history goes), perhaps the entire length of our marriage for all I know. Perhaps since we had kids. This isn't the occasional "I wonder what ever happened to..." its something else, that seems, well, unhealthy. To me anyway. Seems like a lot of energy and emotion that could/should be directed elsewhere.

Weekly and daily suggests a problem. Are you sure they aren't talking???

I would explain to him that living in the past is going to destroy his future. I've seen people who have kids with exes do just that. My friend's husband tried to make them go to his exes house every time she wanted to have some celebration for the kids, then the grand kids. She wanted the ex gone and he slowly destroyed his future. All he had to do was let the ex do what the F she wanted. He and his wife could celebrate with the kids at their house on a different day. Most people do this. Anyways, I'd be curious as to what his excuse was.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think your next move should be to see a therapist about this. I think that much googling of an ex sounds excessive, and it's great that you brought it up, but it sounds like you need to dig deep and figure out how much of your feelings are coming from your spouse's actions verses something that is making you read into the act more than you should or transferring feelings from childhood (perhaps that you're not good enough or loved enough?) to your marriage. Once you become clearer, you'll be in a better position to make decisions - do you ignore it? do you express yourself better or differently? do you ask for something to change? It just sounds like there are a lot of emotions going on here to consider.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he's having an emotional affair, even though it's just a fantasy and the other person doesn't know about it. I think you should do counseling together.

[AnnaTjacks]

Since it is bothering you, you may want to seriously think about discussing it. After all, it may not be anything. Like you, I have looked up ex-boyfriends in the past. Not that I want to rekindle a relationship but just to be nosey to see what they are doing now. I also do that with my old favorite actors and actresses. I was reading this article that was very interesting. It talks about transparency in a relationship, but also deals with other factors when communicating with your spouse. I thought I would share it with you.
http://bit.ly/29jx4Sp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:married 8 years, 1 kids. spouse googles ex (or things related to ex) weekly, and probably a lot more--this is only what turned up on my computer, which is often shared, not on spouse's other devices which accounts for 80% of use.

fwiw, I did not snoop until the ex's name kept popping up whenever I started typing a word beginning with the same first letter. Finally looked at google account history and saw this pattern for the last year.

do I let this pass? bring it up? I'm honestly not sure how I feel myself. Our marriage is okay, could be more passionate.

Spouse hasn't done anything wrong. There is no crime in googling, I trust spouse is not cheating, or anything like that. It is more that it reinforces some anxiety I feel that even after marriage and kids, spouse is still more hung up on ex than in love with me. I mean, I google exes, but maybe once or twice a year. This particular ex is also a hot button issue for me. Most I wouldn't care about. But spouse's strong feelings for this ex was one cause of an early break up we experienced; spouse also made plans to see ex without informing me (I found out and got very angry). But again, its not that spouse has done anything wrong or is untrustworthy. I just feel sad, like even all all this time, the fantasy of the past is more alluring than what we have. Am I being silly? Should I drop this? Or is it worth bringing up--not accusingly, but getting to the real issues. I am almost afraid of hearing that I'm right. That I've always been second best.

Huh? That's your crazy talking. People get curious. Yes, drop it like it's hot.