Distraught - don't know what to do next

[Anonymous]

Husband just admitted to having online "flirtations" with about six women over the past year - flirty emails, naked photos - which he attributes to our unhappy marriage. I found one such exchange in his email (yes, I snooped) and this led him to fess up. There are general "communication" issues between us, usually manifesting as his being disrespectful toward me.

I'm much more upset at this then I ever predicted I would be. I want to leave, but I'm nine weeks pregnant, we have a two year old, and I'm a SAHM (no financial independence or family to rely upon). Please, what should I do?

[Anonymous]

Well, obviously you need to confront the problems in your marriage. You can try to tackle it yourselves or with a councilor. You don't say what communication problems there are, so it is hard to offer advice. Communication is the key to all relationships. How honest and respectful are you each towards the other? Obviously you have trust issues. You would not have gone looking if you didn't, nor would there have been anything to find. This isn't the end of your marriage, but the lack of communication and trust might be.

[Anonymous]

Communication problems: criticism, complaints, defensiveness, inability to express self and be heard/argues with my point of view/tells me not to be so sensitive.

He lied to me about small things before - mostly around drinking. So haven't trusted him in quite a long time. Feel hopeless and cynical.

[Anonymous]

You got a big problem in the form of a lying two-timer on your hands. Doesn't matter what his reasons were - he should have tackled them head on or separated from you first instead of cheating. Fixing your communication issues with him ain't gonna fix his little lying problem.

[Anonymous]

Willing to bet the communication problems started when the affairs started. You did nothing wrong.he wanted to be bad. Leave him. He can try to win you back. If he doesn't you have your answer.

[Anonymous]

I'm don't think having a second child with someone you don't trust sounds like an intelligent decision on your part.

[Anonymous]

The first thing you need to do is get a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm don't think having a second child with someone you don't trust sounds like an intelligent decision on your part.

Thanks. We TTC'd PRIOR to my knowing about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The first thing you need to do is get a job.

We live in Europe - my husband is here for work - and I don't have authorization to work. I'm considering going back to the states but have no idea what I'll do then or how I'll manage.

[Anonymous]

I would get an abortion, and figure out how to get some work and line up childcare for the 2 yr old, then file for divorce.

[Anonymous]

One online flirt is a bad mistake. 6 (that you know of) is a pattern. Add that to lying about alcohol use, and you are married to a man with an addictive personality-- who does not seem amenable to getting help.

No easy answers here. I suspect you know you have a huge, possibly insurmountable, problem on your hands. And two kids will only add to the exhaustion and stress. First of all, no matter what, time to update the CV and look at getting back into the workforce. You do not want to let your resume gap grow if you cannot 100% depend on this guy (you can't). And also, 9 weeks is not that far along. Think long and hard about whether you are really in a position to be a single mom to two kids. Because that is where you are headed.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Termination is really painful to think about, but I unfortunately think this is a much better decision than carrying on in this miserable marriage and bringing another child into the mix. Husband owns a rental property in the states - new tenants to move in later this summer - I've asked him to cancel so daughter and I can live somewhere I can work. I hope he will agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first thing you need to do is get a job.

We live in Europe - my husband is here for work - and I don't have authorization to work. I'm considering going back to the states but have no idea what I'll do then or how I'll manage.

Bring DC back to the US to "visit" your mom or sister or BFF "before you get too pregnant to travel" and tell him from the US you and DC are not coming back. International child custody is a complex mess, that I don't pretend to understand. But I do know that you do not want to end up in a foreign country unable to support yourself or be near your family and having your DH holding DD's passport, or refusing permission for her to travel internationally. And there is always something to be said for home court advantage. That said, my family law is 20 years old. So consult an attorney who specializes in international child custody.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he doesn't take responsibility for any of his actions. Leave him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Termination is really painful to think about, but I unfortunately think this is a much better decision than carrying on in this miserable marriage and bringing another child into the mix. Husband owns a rental property in the states - new tenants to move in later this summer - I've asked him to cancel so daughter and I can live somewhere I can work. I hope he will agree.

Yeah, I didn't suggest abortion lightly. I know it will be a difficult thing to do. But yet one more baby would really further anchor you to him.