Distraught - don't know what to do next

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would get an abortion, and figure out how to get some work and line up childcare for the 2 yr old, then file for divorce.

Wow. You really are a crazy bit$& getting up inn everyone's business. You are the negative poster in every single thread. Boy, we are all getting sick of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He's not even coming clean in his coming clean. First he told me he'd been doing this for a year - today he said, no, only three months, but he'd thought about it for a year. Originally told me he found these women via Facebook. Today told me, okay, it was Tinder (!) but he'd originally opened an account "just to see how it worked."

We're out of the country on vacation. (Worst vacation ever, by the way.) I want to go back and get the ball rolling on something. He can't even be honest about how he fucked up. Ugh.

He's a liar. I think some guys get caught, feel genuinely terrible and confess everything right there. Then they beg their wife to forgive them and do whatever she wants to fix things.

Other guys get caught, try to figure out how much you know and only admit to that. Or they only admit to as much as they think you'll tolerate without leaving. I think these guys have lying in their bones. They're just cowards, truly afraid of admitting to you and to themselves what they've done and taking the punishment.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Ladies. This thread is incredible. I'm a 45 year-old female who has always been pro- choice but this thread is disgusting. You are not a teenage mom, or a refugee fleeing from an abusive relationship, etc. You sound like a typical self centered and dissatisfied house wife. To be so cavalier about ending a life because it is no longer convenient for you is shameful and disgusting. You are simply not a good person for not even considering the needs/wants/rights of your unborn child. And I'm pro-choice! You should be ashamed of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will not be any more tied to him with two then you are with one.

Except: twice the kid expenses/ child support and twice the kid issues to negotiate post divorce (because siblings do not have identical issues). But very importantly, much harder to leave, because, again twice the kid expenses. Especially while they are in childcare, that will pretty much eat up all of mom's salary, unless she is in a highly paid profession. Which is hard to maintain as a single parent with the dad in a different country. So yes, a second kid could turn difficult to leave into impossible to leave.

I wouldn't suggest abortion lightly either (not PP). But I also don't advocate someone creating a situation where they are trapped overseas married to a serial cheater, alcoholic, and God knowns what else and bringing more kids into that mess.

I agree with all of this. OP, if you are open to having an abortion, I'd seriously consider it. I am so sorry you are facing this. Big hugs.

+1. I'm really sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will not be any more tied to him with two then you are with one.

plus 1

You people are batshit crazy if you think this is true. Totally, batshit crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm don't think having a second child with someone you don't trust sounds like an intelligent decision on your part.

Thanks. We TTC'd PRIOR to my knowing about this.

Prior to him lying about his drinking problem too? You said you haven't trusted him for quite a while now

Re-writing history in her mind, probably. I'm sure he has his problems, but I wouldn't be surprised if, in OP's mind since finding out about the flirtations, the bad stuff from the past is now exaggerated and the good stuff is now minimized.

OP here. I assure you, there's not much "good stuff" to draw on. We've been having serious problems since before our daughter was born.

So then why have a second child with him? I will never understand women like you. You go on and on about how your husband has been a jerk from the beginning and yet you choose to have 2 kids with him. And then can't figure out what to do. You made your bed, suck it up princess.

Or, now that she has fully awakened to the bed she is lying in, she can cut her losses and get out. WTF is wrong with you people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Ladies. This thread is incredible. I'm a 45 year-old female who has always been pro- choice but this thread is disgusting. You are not a teenage mom, or a refugee fleeing from an abusive relationship, etc. You sound like a typical self centered and dissatisfied house wife. To be so cavalier about ending a life because it is no longer convenient for you is shameful and disgusting. You are simply not a good person for not even considering the needs/wants/rights of your unborn child. And I'm pro-choice! You should be ashamed of yourself.

Thanks for your input.

[Anonymous]

sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would get an abortion, and figure out how to get some work and line up childcare for the 2 yr old, then file for divorce.

Wow. You really are a crazy bit$& getting up inn everyone's business. You are the negative poster in every single thread. Boy, we are all getting sick of you.

what?? this is what many women would actually do. not the majority, but maybe 30% is my guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first thing you need to do is get a job.

Nope, first thing she needs to do is terminate and the second is get a job - if she is overseas, then she needs to come back to the states. I'm always doubtful of the narrator when we hear only one side of the story, but taking her entirely at face value, yeah, this is a GTFO situation, ASAP - and no bringing more children into it.

He's being extremely remorseful and apologetic. Laying it all down, saying he will get help, we will get help. I just want to crawl under a rock.

im glad he is remorseful. this is a start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will not be any more tied to him with two then you are with one.

Except: twice the kid expenses/ child support and twice the kid issues to negotiate post divorce (because siblings do not have identical issues). But very importantly, much harder to leave, because, again twice the kid expenses. Especially while they are in childcare, that will pretty much eat up all of mom's salary, unless she is in a highly paid profession. Which is hard to maintain as a single parent with the dad in a different country. So yes, a second kid could turn difficult to leave into impossible to leave.

I wouldn't suggest abortion lightly either (not PP). But I also don't advocate someone creating a situation where they are trapped overseas married to a serial cheater, alcoholic, and God knowns what else and bringing more kids into that mess.

I agree with all of this. OP, if you are open to having an abortion, I'd seriously consider it. I am so sorry you are facing this. Big hugs.

+1. I'm really sorry, OP.

She's already said she's decided to keep the child. People should read the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Ladies. This thread is incredible. I'm a 45 year-old female who has always been pro- choice but this thread is disgusting. You are not a teenage mom, or a refugee fleeing from an abusive relationship, etc. You sound like a typical self centered and dissatisfied house wife. To be so cavalier about ending a life because it is no longer convenient for you is shameful and disgusting. You are simply not a good person for not even considering the needs/wants/rights of your unborn child. And I'm pro-choice! You should be ashamed of yourself.

You're being a bit harsh!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Termination is really painful to think about, but I unfortunately think this is a much better decision than carrying on in this miserable marriage and bringing another child into the mix. Husband owns a rental property in the states - new tenants to move in later this summer - I've asked him to cancel so daughter and I can live somewhere I can work. I hope he will agree.

Yeah, I didn't suggest abortion lightly. I know it will be a difficult thing to do. But yet one more baby would really further anchor you to him.

Don't jump into abortion. You are tied to him no matter what, one kid or two. I had an abortion (while married to father) and do so regret it. And now he does, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Termination is really painful to think about, but I unfortunately think this is a much better decision than carrying on in this miserable marriage and bringing another child into the mix. Husband owns a rental property in the states - new tenants to move in later this summer - I've asked him to cancel so daughter and I can live somewhere I can work. I hope he will agree.

Yeah, I didn't suggest abortion lightly. I know it will be a difficult thing to do. But yet one more baby would really further anchor you to him.

Don't jump into abortion. You are tied to him no matter what, one kid or two. I had an abortion (while married to father) and do so regret it. And now he does, too.

On the other hand, I had a child in similar circumstances, and although I love my child, I look back with regret at that decision. I brought a child into this world deliberately knowing that child would get far less than he deserved both financially and emotionally. I also seriously underestimated how a second child would negatively impact my career and earning opportunities, leaving me in poverty in terms of income and forcing me to raid retirement and savings to take care of everyone properly.

A woman can regret having an abortion and a woman can regret having a child. Many women have abortion and experience no regrets. Having the child doesn't ensure that you will avoid regret. It is not irresponsible or selfish to consider future prospects for earning power and stability when making the calculation about abortion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Termination is really painful to think about, but I unfortunately think this is a much better decision than carrying on in this miserable marriage and bringing another child into the mix. Husband owns a rental property in the states - new tenants to move in later this summer - I've asked him to cancel so daughter and I can live somewhere I can work. I hope he will agree.

Yeah, I didn't suggest abortion lightly. I know it will be a difficult thing to do. But yet one more baby would really further anchor you to him.

Don't jump into abortion. You are tied to him no matter what, one kid or two. I had an abortion (while married to father) and do so regret it. And now he does, too.

On the other hand, I had a child in similar circumstances, and although I love my child, I look back with regret at that decision. I brought a child into this world deliberately knowing that child would get far less than he deserved both financially and emotionally. I also seriously underestimated how a second child would negatively impact my career and earning opportunities, leaving me in poverty in terms of income and forcing me to raid retirement and savings to take care of everyone properly.

A woman can regret having an abortion and a woman can regret having a child. Many women have abortion and experience no regrets. Having the child doesn't ensure that you will avoid regret. It is not irresponsible or selfish to consider future prospects for earning power and stability when making the calculation about abortion.

OP here. I appreciate everyone's perspective on this, but I stated upthread that I'm keeping the baby.