Distraught - don't know what to do next

[Anonymous]

You will not be any more tied to him with two then you are with one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will not be any more tied to him with two then you are with one.

Except: twice the kid expenses/ child support and twice the kid issues to negotiate post divorce (because siblings do not have identical issues). But very importantly, much harder to leave, because, again twice the kid expenses. Especially while they are in childcare, that will pretty much eat up all of mom's salary, unless she is in a highly paid profession. Which is hard to maintain as a single parent with the dad in a different country. So yes, a second kid could turn difficult to leave into impossible to leave.

I wouldn't suggest abortion lightly either (not PP). But I also don't advocate someone creating a situation where they are trapped overseas married to a serial cheater, alcoholic, and God knowns what else and bringing more kids into that mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will not be any more tied to him with two then you are with one.

Except: twice the kid expenses/ child support and twice the kid issues to negotiate post divorce (because siblings do not have identical issues). But very importantly, much harder to leave, because, again twice the kid expenses. Especially while they are in childcare, that will pretty much eat up all of mom's salary, unless she is in a highly paid profession. Which is hard to maintain as a single parent with the dad in a different country. So yes, a second kid could turn difficult to leave into impossible to leave.

I wouldn't suggest abortion lightly either (not PP). But I also don't advocate someone creating a situation where they are trapped overseas married to a serial cheater, alcoholic, and God knowns what else and bringing more kids into that mess.

I agree with all of this. OP, if you are open to having an abortion, I'd seriously consider it. I am so sorry you are facing this. Big hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm don't think having a second child with someone you don't trust sounds like an intelligent decision on your part.

Thanks. We TTC'd PRIOR to my knowing about this.

Prior to him lying about his drinking problem too? You said you haven't trusted him for quite a while now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will not be any more tied to him with two then you are with one.

plus 1

[Anonymous]

Wait a minute. You guys are advocating abortion because he emailed some dick pics and drinks more than OP wants him to?

He absolutely made some bad choices, but I really don't think this is abortion-worthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Termination is really painful to think about, but I unfortunately think this is a much better decision than carrying on in this miserable marriage and bringing another child into the mix. Husband owns a rental property in the states - new tenants to move in later this summer - I've asked him to cancel so daughter and I can live somewhere I can work. I hope he will agree.

OP, I have been in your situation (although not overseas). Terminating a wanted child is a disappointment. At this early stage though, I would focus on abortion, getting your life in order, and thinking about having another child later in life when you have created a more stable life for yourself and your existing child and can form a more stable parenting partnership or have a baby solo.

I was 6 months pregnant when I found out about my ex's cheating. At that stage, I didn't feel like abortion was an option for me. As a result, although I love my child, I brought a child into the world who has a parent who causes heartache, and my own capacity to provide for both children was severely negatively affected. Growing up in poverty with an irresponsible parent is nothing to underestimate.

Get some legal advice so you can know if you can keep custody and return to US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first thing you need to do is get a job.

We live in Europe - my husband is here for work - and I don't have authorization to work. I'm considering going back to the states but have no idea what I'll do then or how I'll manage.

Bring DC back to the US to "visit" your mom or sister or BFF "before you get too pregnant to travel" and tell him from the US you and DC are not coming back. International child custody is a complex mess, that I don't pretend to understand. But I do know that you do not want to end up in a foreign country unable to support yourself or be near your family and having your DH holding DD's passport, or refusing permission for her to travel internationally. And there is always something to be said for home court advantage. That said, my family law is 20 years old. So consult an attorney who specializes in international child custody.

+1
Is there anyone you can visit/stay with for a bit while you figure this mess out?
Come to the US with DC and consult with a lawyer or at least Legal Aid to see what your options are.

Another option, depending...tell your husband you want to return to the US to see friends/etc. and that you might want to stay in the rental unit till you deliver.

What kind of work did you do before marrying?

[Anonymous]

You are going to divorce the father of your child and have an abortion over in line flirtation?!?

I am not saying you aren't going to be upset, but some perspective here. Ealry childhood years are hell. If this is his worst sin in an otherwise good marriage you may want to take a moment and chill

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm don't think having a second child with someone you don't trust sounds like an intelligent decision on your part.

Thanks. We TTC'd PRIOR to my knowing about this.

Prior to him lying about his drinking problem too? You said you haven't trusted him for quite a while now

Re-writing history in her mind, probably. I'm sure he has his problems, but I wouldn't be surprised if, in OP's mind since finding out about the flirtations, the bad stuff from the past is now exaggerated and the good stuff is now minimized.

[Anonymous]

Ok I agree there is something off about this entire conversation. She jumped too quick on the abortion idea. Is making too many excuses about why she is in this situation, and yes, the crime is not worthy of a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok I agree there is something off about this entire conversation. She jumped too quick on the abortion idea. Is making too many excuses about why she is in this situation, and yes, the crime is not worthy of a divorce.

What are you talking about? My husband treats me like crap - he's disrespectful, chronically upset about things, dishonest, and now verifiably a cheater. I uprooted my life and put my career on hold to support an opportunity he had in Europe. I'm dependent upon him. This is terrifying. I want to leave him immediately - carrying on a pregnancy alone with a two-year-old while looking for work is untenable.

For people saying it's "just" harmless online flirting and dick pics - please, get over yourselves. He SOUGHT OUT women on Facebook to establish rapport with. He told me he "doesn't know why he needs so much female attention." And this is just what he told me. For all I know he has met up with these women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm don't think having a second child with someone you don't trust sounds like an intelligent decision on your part.

Thanks. We TTC'd PRIOR to my knowing about this.

Prior to him lying about his drinking problem too? You said you haven't trusted him for quite a while now

Re-writing history in her mind, probably. I'm sure he has his problems, but I wouldn't be surprised if, in OP's mind since finding out about the flirtations, the bad stuff from the past is now exaggerated and the good stuff is now minimized.

OP here. I assure you, there's not much "good stuff" to draw on. We've been having serious problems since before our daughter was born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first thing you need to do is get a job.

We live in Europe - my husband is here for work - and I don't have authorization to work. I'm considering going back to the states but have no idea what I'll do then or how I'll manage.

Bring DC back to the US to "visit" your mom or sister or BFF "before you get too pregnant to travel" and tell him from the US you and DC are not coming back. International child custody is a complex mess, that I don't pretend to understand. But I do know that you do not want to end up in a foreign country unable to support yourself or be near your family and having your DH holding DD's passport, or refusing permission for her to travel internationally. And there is always something to be said for home court advantage. That said, my family law is 20 years old. So consult an attorney who specializes in international child custody.

+1
Is there anyone you can visit/stay with for a bit while you figure this mess out?
Come to the US with DC and consult with a lawyer or at least Legal Aid to see what your options are.

Another option, depending...tell your husband you want to return to the US to see friends/etc. and that you might want to stay in the rental unit till you deliver.

What kind of work did you do before marrying?

Interesting idea, but I don't have much family support.

I was starting a career in television but we married fairly young (while I was still in school). I haven't worked in a few years - since we left the states.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are going to divorce the father of your child and have an abortion over in line flirtation?!?

I am not saying you aren't going to be upset, but some perspective here. Ealry childhood years are hell. If this is his worst sin in an otherwise good marriage you may want to take a moment and chill

This isn't the worst sin. He's rude to me, mean, insensitive, callous....he's just not a nice person. Adding this to the mix is the last straw for me.