Support Group for middle aged husbands not having sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people are a lot less forgiving when their partner's body hasn't failed them. Just their brain. These discussions are less about medical issues of the body than they are about mental health issues.

The brain is part of the body.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try to do more chores.

This is the way.

This is not the way. The way is to make your wife feel valued and desired. Chores may be part of that (shows you are invested in your life together and you value her time and effort), but for me it’s not important. I just need DH to show interest in me and desire me.

I desire my DW with all my being, but she cares about the chores the most.

Do you care about the chores? Do you view your role as "helping" her?

[Anonymous]

We’ve been together for decades and DH still thinks the best way to initiate is to grab my crotch when I’m doing something in the kitchen or otherwise occupied. No thanks

[Anonymous]

In addition to being a good partner - I’d work on being really good at cunningligous - although that’s probably tough if you have nobody to practice with or you don’t get feedback. My DH is great at this and it keeps the passion in the relationship through difficult times (when he’s not a great partner, when I’m tired, having young kids, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been together for decades and DH still thinks the best way to initiate is to grab my crotch when I’m doing something in the kitchen or otherwise occupied. No thanks

I understand that that doesn’t work to get you interested and feel it’s reasonable to expect him to pickup either on the feedback or you explicitly telling him, but have you considered that he’s also likely signaling what he’d like you to do sometimes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been together for decades and DH still thinks the best way to initiate is to grab my crotch when I’m doing something in the kitchen or otherwise occupied. No thanks

That's my go to move!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok guys. Here’s our group. How are you handling this? What has worked; what hasn’t? How will we go on in this situation? Let’s discuss.

Can anyone explain why a man created this support group for men, but it turned into 35 pages of responses written by women, attacking men?

I (a woman) am discovering this thread for the first time, but I suspect it's because women wandered into this thread out of curiosity like me, and discovered many of the men in the thread misunderstanding why women have declining libido. It is frustrating for me to read some of these comments from men who seem to have misplaced anger because they view the loss of sex in their marriage as something their wives control and have taken away from them. But since loss of libido is often something a woman does not have control over, that anger is both unproductive (in fact counterproductive) and unfair.

I do think many of the comments from women in the thread are actually meant in good faith, to be helpful. Not to attack or criticize.

I think hormones, aging, and familiarity are big drivers of a lack of sexual interest by wives for their husbands. I think men often don't understand this because women often aren't very direct in explaining that these are big drivers in lack of sexual interest. Maybe they don't know themselves. Maybe the idea that forces largely out of the couple's control are responsible for the situation is just too daunting or depressing, and it's reassuring to think that if only DH did x, y, and z that's within his control that maybe the sexual desire would return.

PP here and I agree with you. I also think that sometimes there are separate issues in the marriage and they get intertwined when they are not actually related. The husband wants more sex while the woman experiences significant decline in libido. Also, the woman feels that the duties of childcare and housework disproportionately fall her on her. It is tempting for both parties to think, oh hey let's do a trade -- if he does more housework/childcare, she'll have more sex. But the truth is that if household duties are inequitably divided, that should be remedied regardless of the sex situation. And if sex has declined because one partner's interest in sex has declined, that is not something that can be fixed by a more equitable division of household duties. So linking those two issues will, in the long term, only result in more resentment because he's only stepping up to get more sex, and when he doesn't, he'll feel he was lied to tricked.

I do wish more people, men and women, understood that loss of libido is normal. If you are over 40 and especially if you also have kids, the expectation that sex drives will stay high is unrealistic for most people. Peri-menopause and menopause also do crazy things to your libido, mood, energy levels, etc. It's not something most women can take a pill and "fix" (for some women, taking a pill can help with some symptoms but menopause itself is inevitable and no one goes through it with no change at all).

I think part of the issue is that we conceive of a "healthy marriage" looking one specific way and we don't leave a lot of room for people to change, even to experience the normal an inevitable changes of age. A marriage between 52 year olds and marriage between 32 year olds will look different, to expect otherwise is simply ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok guys. Here’s our group. How are you handling this? What has worked; what hasn’t? How will we go on in this situation? Let’s discuss.

Can anyone explain why a man created this support group for men, but it turned into 35 pages of responses written by women, attacking men?

Welcome to DCUrban Mom. /r/daddit is over there ——>

[Anonymous]

Perminopause or something flips it back on like a switch.

Find your own hobbies and a nice self care routine in the meantime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men: sigh. I’m in an unfixable sexless marriage.

Women: here’s what we want!

Men: nah. Sigh. Poor me. I’m in an unfixable situation

It probably seems that way, but remember sex drive is so individual so what would work for you wouldn't work for my wife. I know because I tried. But some of the advice is well-intended, and appreciated.

If you really tried creating the space for your wife to feel enthusiastic for sex and it wasn’t successful you have my deep sympathy. It is true that sex drive is idiosyncratic. My advice is based on myself, and also things other women have told me (fatigue and stress being libido killers for women in a way they aren’t for men) but I do know nothing is universal.

I dislike these answers so much. "I'm to tired for sex" generally isn't actually truthful communication. The issue is that a person who says that views sex with their partner as a chore. That just isn't healthy. To illustrate:

Me: I'm stressed out and suffering. The current situation makes me feel undesirable and depressed. What can I do to make this better?

Wife: I'm too tired and stressed out! I work full time and do all the housework!

Me: (takes over more of the house work to try and help, but nothing improves ) it's been months and I do not feel like the situation has improved. Is it me?

Wife: Well, my job is just so stressful! You don't understand! Maybe if you put on more effort!

Me: (Loses 80 lbs, dresses nicer, does all the little thinks, she says I never do.) I'm more stressed out than I was before. There is still no improvement and I'm now running my life at full tilt trying to keep up with everything you want. Please... I'm making myself sick. What can I do?

Wife: My job is too stressful to want sex! And you're not spending enough time with me!

Me: (busts my ass even more doubles my income so she can quit her job) I'm doing my best here. I've given you everything you ever asked for and I'm still feeling locked out and undesired.

Wife: well now I'm stressed out because I'm financially dependent on you! Plus now I do things around the house all day! Still too stressed!

Me: I will hire a housekeeper if that would help.

Wife: You do it! Why waste money on a housekeeper!

Me: Because I can't do it. I'm working myself to death.

Wife: why should that stop you from doing something!


Me trying to find help: I love my wife. I don't want her to feel pressured and I'm killing myself trying to find a solution.

The world: HAVE YOU EVER BOTHERED TO THINK OF HER NEEDS!

Are you posting on this 4 year dormant thread because you spent 4 years improving yourself? Your wife is a hell of a personal trainer! She made you fit as a fiddle for your next wife. You’re a catch now. Go get her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take meds to reduce libido, most antidepressants can help, it will improve all areas of your life too when u aren't constantly thinking of sensous pleasure

Yes, Get a chemical lobotomy to turn yourself into a eunuch slave too mentally dead to see your cage.

[Anonymous]

Can anyone explain why a man created this support group for men, but it turned into 35 pages of responses written by women, attacking men?

Welcome to DCUrban Mom. /r/daddit is over there ——>

Translation: This poster feels that because the title of this site has the word "Moms" in it, she (and most other women posting) have the right to make misandric posts. To this PP, /r/STFU is over there --->

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok guys. Here’s our group. How are you handling this? What has worked; what hasn’t? How will we go on in this situation? Let’s discuss.

Can anyone explain why a man created this support group for men, but it turned into 35 pages of responses written by women, attacking men?

I (a woman) am discovering this thread for the first time, but I suspect it's because women wandered into this thread out of curiosity like me, and discovered many of the men in the thread misunderstanding why women have declining libido. It is frustrating for me to read some of these comments from men who seem to have misplaced anger because they view the loss of sex in their marriage as something their wives control and have taken away from them. But since loss of libido is often something a woman does not have control over, that anger is both unproductive (in fact counterproductive) and unfair.

I do think many of the comments from women in the thread are actually meant in good faith, to be helpful. Not to attack or criticize.

I think hormones, aging, and familiarity are big drivers of a lack of sexual interest by wives for their husbands. I think men often don't understand this because women often aren't very direct in explaining that these are big drivers in lack of sexual interest. Maybe they don't know themselves. Maybe the idea that forces largely out of the couple's control are responsible for the situation is just too daunting or depressing, and it's reassuring to think that if only DH did x, y, and z that's within his control that maybe the sexual desire would return.

PP here and I agree with you. I also think that sometimes there are separate issues in the marriage and they get intertwined when they are not actually related. The husband wants more sex while the woman experiences significant decline in libido. Also, the woman feels that the duties of childcare and housework disproportionately fall her on her. It is tempting for both parties to think, oh hey let's do a trade -- if he does more housework/childcare, she'll have more sex. But the truth is that if household duties are inequitably divided, that should be remedied regardless of the sex situation. And if sex has declined because one partner's interest in sex has declined, that is not something that can be fixed by a more equitable division of household duties. So linking those two issues will, in the long term, only result in more resentment because he's only stepping up to get more sex, and when he doesn't, he'll feel he was lied to tricked.

I do wish more people, men and women, understood that loss of libido is normal. If you are over 40 and especially if you also have kids, the expectation that sex drives will stay high is unrealistic for most people. Peri-menopause and menopause also do crazy things to your libido, mood, energy levels, etc. It's not something most women can take a pill and "fix" (for some women, taking a pill can help with some symptoms but menopause itself is inevitable and no one goes through it with no change at all).

I think part of the issue is that we conceive of a "healthy marriage" looking one specific way and we don't leave a lot of room for people to change, even to experience the normal an inevitable changes of age. A marriage between 52 year olds and marriage between 32 year olds will look different, to expect otherwise is simply ignorant.

Those words capture a lot of what’s common in the threads here, but at the end it just comes back around to him needing to accept the situation or realize he needs to leave if it’s important enough to him. There’s no space in that for compromise. It absolves her and leaves him with a choice and a situation where she will claim victimhood if he exercises it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not accept a sexless marriage. If she's not interested, declare the marriage open. Problem solved in 15 seconds.

+1M

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been together for decades and DH still thinks the best way to initiate is to grab my crotch when I’m doing something in the kitchen or otherwise occupied. No thanks

I understand that that doesn’t work to get you interested and feel it’s reasonable to expect him to pickup either on the feedback or you explicitly telling him, but have you considered that he’s also likely signaling what he’d like you to do sometimes?

Golden Rule! He's doing unto her as she would have her do unto him.