Reply to Dreamed my father died last night. I'm estranged from him...I need some DCUM therapy.

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "Dreamed my father died last night. I'm estranged from him...I need some DCUM therapy."

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]OP here.  Here I am at 3am, awake.  I dreamt of my father again.  This time it was clearer and he died of pancreatic cancer.

I think I would feel bad if he died and I didn't reach out, but I think that's because of my upbringing and being taught that I am supposed to forgive.

I [i]am[/i] mourning a father I never had.  It also makes me sad that he reaches out to my brother's children and not mine.  My DD knows that he calls, sends gifts and spends time with her cousins.  In fact, one time all the children were visiting my mom, he came over to pick up brother's children (my nieces), knew my DD was there and said he didn't think she should come even though my DH said it was OK and she wanted to go (I wasn't there). She has asked me why he doesn't want to spend time with her.  She asked "Does he hate me because of you?"

I am sitting here in tears because even though he was a terrible father to me, I don't want him to die without knowing my children or the person I turned out to be.  We were never close, even when I was a child.  I truly think he didn't like me and honestly I know that I didn't like him, but it seems wrong for me not to care about him.  And it seems wrong to me that he has never reached out to me to try to mend the relationship.  I think part of the reason that he didn't like me was because I was overweight and no matter how hard [i]he tried[/i],[i] he couldn't[/i] change that.  Example: At 16, he said if you lose weight I will buy a new car, instead I got fatter. At HS graduation, if you lose weight I will pay for first choice out of state college.  I instead went to last choice state school on scholarship. I got in some legal trouble while in college, he offered to help--with strings, instead I accepted the consequences.  I didn't want to be indebted to him for anything.

Ugh! Why am I up thinking about this?  Okay, tears over.  I don't want this person in my brain or my heart.  I don't want to feel like I need him to forgive me. He should want me to forgive him! He was the one that did wrong! He is the reason we are estranged! It's not my fault!  I am the child, he is the adult.  He's supposed to do the right thing!  But in this dream it seems like it's my fault...Is it my fault? Should I be the bigger person?

I think I am going to take the advice of pp that said write a letter but not to mail it.  [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics