Why did you refuse marriage counseling?

[Anonymous]

I'm really trying to understand why people flat out refuse to go to therapy if there is a chance it can help your relationship. My DH has promised to go but when it comes down to it, he never will. He will say yes in the moment but doesn't really mean it. When confronted about why he won't go he will say it won't help anyway or he doesn't need a threapist to tell him anything. He also says he wants our marriage to work but has no idea how to fix our communication problems so I feel stuck. I don't think therapy is a magic pill, but at least try it see if there any tools we can take away. His blatant refusal makes me think he really wants the marriage to be over but doesn't want to say it or be the one to make the fist move to end things. Sigh, why can't I be a kid again....

[Anonymous]

My therapist (IC) wanted to bring my DW in a couple of times and she did, but it made her intensely uncomfortable. She is fine with counseling when I do it, but if the focus ever shifts to her, she's unwilling to face it. The same thing happened with a brief period of MC we did after a difficult period we were going through. As long as the focus was on how fucked up I am, she's good. When the counselor wanted to talk about her, she got really upset and we stopped seeing him soon after.

Naturally, this has reinforced my belief that she has stuff she is hiding from me for one reason or another.

[Anonymous]

Because therapy is hard work, and you have to look at your own behaviors and actions and own them. If you are emotionally able to work on yourself, as well as your marriage, then therapy can be a life changer. But if one partner puts up walls or is otherwise unwilling to take and give feedback, it won't work. My ex was very adept at ingratiating himself with therapist which didn't help anyone. He was more concerned about the impression he was leaving rather than improving our life together.

You can't do the emotional work for two people. So either your partner is too scared, too checked out, doesn't care, whatever. The bottom line is you can't make someone else do something, or try to change to improve your relationship. But hopefully you will continue with counseling and work on yourself. And decide whether you want to be in a committed relationship with someone who isn't isn't committed to you.

BTDT - now divorced.

[Anonymous]

Because going is endogenous to one's real-world openness to change and self-evaluate/self-critique. That is, folks who are willing to reflect on themselves and be open to the possibility that they have flaws that need fixing irrespective of WHO their partner is, are more likely to go. Doesn't do much good to go into therapy if you're not likely/willing to follow through on self criticism/change

[Anonymous]

Because my H needs to do so much IC that there is really nothing to discuss in MC.

But... I do go to MC with him and listen to how sorry he is and how he wants to change. So I don't refuse marriage counseling but it is a waste until he makes some serious changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because therapy is hard work, and you have to look at your own behaviors and actions and own them. If you are emotionally able to work on yourself, as well as your marriage, then therapy can be a life changer. But if one partner puts up walls or is otherwise unwilling to take and give feedback, it won't work. My ex was very adept at ingratiating himself with therapist which didn't help anyone. He was more concerned about the impression he was leaving rather than improving our life together.

You can't do the emotional work for two people. So either your partner is too scared, too checked out, doesn't care, whatever. The bottom line is you can't make someone else do something, or try to change to improve your relationship. But hopefully you will continue with counseling and work on yourself. And decide whether you want to be in a committed relationship with someone who isn't isn't committed to you.

BTDT - now divorced.

BTDT almost divorced.
This is exactly true. Mine came but it was worthless. He was practically mute there and wouldn't own his part. Individual counseling was a much better investment of both time and money. If I did joint counseling some day in the future I would try tandem counseling but this is hard to find.

[Anonymous]

I haven't refused, but it is difficult. No,I don't like being on the hot seat. No I don't like sharing my feelings. No I don't like admitting I'm wrong. Many days I'd like to back out. But I keep going going my efforts will bear fruit.

[Anonymous]

My DH refused until it became clear that I might actually leave him, and it became clear that our lack of communication was hurting how we make decisions about our child. But sadly by the time he got to that point, I was already kind of done. Just a year before I felt much more positive about rebuilding our relationship, but one more year of a bad relationship drained that away.

My impression is that DH earlier on viewed himself has having a bit of an upper hand in that I wasn't going anywhere, and he thought that I was going to cry in therapy about wanting more of a commitment from him. Now that my own commitment has waned and he knows I'll walk, he's a little more willing to come to the table. But whereas a year ago I could have sat honestly in therapy and talked about my hopes and dreams and love for him, it will be REALLY hard to do that now.

Doesn't sound great, does it ... moral of the story: don't put it off.

[Anonymous]

My ex refused because he had severe Narcissistic tendencies..and in their own mind they are never wrong. So glad to be free of that!

[Anonymous]

I think people are scared to be vulnerable.

[Anonymous]

I refused to go to couples counseling with a long-term boyfriend in the past. It was because I wasn't in love with him and had strong feelings/desires for someone else. (I hadn't ever done anything about it, but still, I was deeply aware that I had that broiling inside me.) I knew that I couldn't face therapy and not have these things come out and I didn't want them to. I loved my boyfriend as a person, as a companion, as a friend and didn't want him hurt with the knowledge that my physical desire for him was 100% gone and irretrievable. He broke up with me when I refused to go and I was relieved. And yes, ten years later I understand that the more loving thing to have done would have been to let him go. To have faced the situation more honestly. But there you have it. That's why I wouldn't go.

I actually know two people right now who are refusing to go to marriage counseling because they are each having a physical affair with someone else and are worried about being able to hide it.

I'm sure there are other reasons for avoiding it--including deeply ingrained cultural suspicion/unease/embarrassment over going to a therapist, but I'm guessing that "having something big to hide" is a pretty common reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I refused to go to couples counseling with a long-term boyfriend in the past. It was because I wasn't in love with him and had strong feelings/desires for someone else. (I hadn't ever done anything about it, but still, I was deeply aware that I had that broiling inside me.) I knew that I couldn't face therapy and not have these things come out and I didn't want them to. I loved my boyfriend as a person, as a companion, as a friend and didn't want him hurt with the knowledge that my physical desire for him was 100% gone and irretrievable. He broke up with me when I refused to go and I was relieved. And yes, ten years later I understand that the more loving thing to have done would have been to let him go. To have faced the situation more honestly. But there you have it. That's why I wouldn't go.

I actually know two people right now who are refusing to go to marriage counseling because they are each having a physical affair with someone else and are worried about being able to hide it.

I'm sure there are other reasons for avoiding it--including deeply ingrained cultural suspicion/unease/embarrassment over going to a therapist, but I'm guessing that "having something big to hide" is a pretty common reason.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I refused to go to couples counseling with a long-term boyfriend in the past. It was because I wasn't in love with him and had strong feelings/desires for someone else. (I hadn't ever done anything about it, but still, I was deeply aware that I had that broiling inside me.) I knew that I couldn't face therapy and not have these things come out and I didn't want them to. I loved my boyfriend as a person, as a companion, as a friend and didn't want him hurt with the knowledge that my physical desire for him was 100% gone and irretrievable. He broke up with me when I refused to go and I was relieved. And yes, ten years later I understand that the more loving thing to have done would have been to let him go. To have faced the situation more honestly. But there you have it. That's why I wouldn't go.

I actually know two people right now who are refusing to go to marriage counseling because they are each having a physical affair with someone else and are worried about being able to hide it.

I'm sure there are other reasons for avoiding it--including deeply ingrained cultural suspicion/unease/embarrassment over going to a therapist, but I'm guessing that "having something big to hide" is a pretty common reason.

Yeah, I think my DH refused when he thought he had something to hide (his lack of commitment to our relationship, relative to my own.) Now that I knows I am just as shaky as he is (if not more) he is willing to go. No affair as far as I know - and affair would probably be more positive and fixable than the actual problem, actually ...

[Anonymous]

They don't want to go because they are already done. My husband balked. Found out during therapy he was having an emotional affair, isn't sorry for it, and doesn't want to work on things. We have been married 16 years and have two little boys.

[Anonymous]

Because I had zero interest in saving the marriage. I wanted a divorce.