Why did you refuse marriage counseling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They don't want to go because they are already done. My husband balked. Found out during therapy he was having an emotional affair, isn't sorry for it, and doesn't want to work on things. We have been married 16 years and have two little boys.

I am so sorry- I've been there.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't get what you are saying---he says yes he will go but doesn't really mean it? WTF? Get the name of a counselor and set up an appointment and inform your DH of when it is and say you want him to be there and it is important to you. Make it happen. If he refuses to go, tell him you will be going to see the counselor on your own to talk about how to deal with a marriage to a partner who will not make an effort for the relationship.

You may have to try a couple of counselors. Both you and your DH should be comfortable with the counselors. (My DH and I bailed on one and found another who was a better fit for us.) You can say that to him--"I set up an appointment for us to interview a counselor. If you are not comfortable with her/him we can find someone else--it's important that we find someone we can both trust to help us."

[Anonymous]

PP here with one more thought....you say "why can't I be a kid again". You are not a kid. Don't act like it. You don't have to beg for what you want from a more powerful parent-like figure.

TELL your DH that it is important to you that he go, that you have made arrangement for an appointment at a time you know will be convenient to him, and that you expect him to be there. Have you done this? Or are you just playing games, asking him to go and making him promise and then pouting and passively doing nothing when he says no.

[Anonymous]

I always knew there was something wrong but never had any evidence as to what. I finally came to tears one day and told husband that I wanted to do counseling because we just weren't connecting, but he said he would try to work on it (AKA I don't want to go so I'm going to say this just to placate you because I don't think you have the guts to actually find a counselor or even leave me). He didn't think I would find a counselor. Well, I didn't, but I found something much better: the information about the secrets he'd been keeping from me. I knew he was too far gone, and I was too disgusted with him to want to stay married anyway. So here we are. It's hard some days, but the freedom I feel is more than worth it.

[Anonymous]

Depends on the therapist but I stopped wanting to go after a few appointments. We went to two, after a while with the first one it got really old and really unhelpful to just keep harping on the bad things, I swear some of them do it to keep you unhappy and keep you coming back every week to pay that fee. The second one was full of silly sayings that were just not helpful and were almost condescending in how dumbed down they were "intimacy is not about sex, intimacy= into-me-see and is about emotional connection" oh really? Ya don't say? Cause we are 15 and don't already know that? All her "homework" was equally lame. So we just quit and basically decided we wanted to be happy together again and decided that we would focus on making the other person happy in the relationship and after a while it stopped being an act and an effort and just became reality. For it to work both people have to want to do it but it is the same with therapy; no amount of effort is going to make someone want something they don't have interest in anymore.

[Anonymous]

Because women typically view marriage counseling as a prelude to divorce, because they never assign blame to themselves as a reason for the counseling. It's just to make them feel better before they file, or to justify filing, or to get leverage, or evidence.

When has a woman ever requested marriage counseling because SHE is the one screwing up the marriage?

Never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm really trying to understand why people flat out refuse to go to therapy if there is a chance it can help your relationship. My DH has promised to go but when it comes down to it, he never will. He will say yes in the moment but doesn't really mean it. When confronted about why he won't go he will say it won't help anyway or he doesn't need a threapist to tell him anything. He also says he wants our marriage to work but has no idea how to fix our communication problems so I feel stuck. I don't think therapy is a magic pill, but at least try it see if there any tools we can take away. His blatant refusal makes me think he really wants the marriage to be over but doesn't want to say it or be the one to make the fist move to end things. Sigh, why can't I be a kid again....

OP you can't coerce someone else into therapy. When you say "confront" him that's what you're trying to do. Do you understand this sort of controlling behavior is bad for your marriage? Probably not, you only see his fault s, not your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always knew there was something wrong but never had any evidence as to what. I finally came to tears one day and told husband that I wanted to do counseling because we just weren't connecting, but he said he would try to work on it (AKA I don't want to go so I'm going to say this just to placate you because I don't think you have the guts to actually find a counselor or even leave me). He didn't think I would find a counselor. Well, I didn't, but I found something much better: the information about the secrets he'd been keeping from me. I knew he was too far gone, and I was too disgusted with him to want to stay married anyway. So here we are. It's hard some days, but the freedom I feel is more than worth it.

So you didn't know how to speak plain English to him and that's why you wanted therapy? What does not connecting mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because women typically view marriage counseling as a prelude to divorce, because they never assign blame to themselves as a reason for the counseling. It's just to make them feel better before they file, or to justify filing, or to get leverage, or evidence.

When has a woman ever requested marriage counseling because SHE is the one screwing up the marriage?

Never.

I think part of being in a grown up relationship is realizing that, many times, both people are screwing it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because women typically view marriage counseling as a prelude to divorce, because they never assign blame to themselves as a reason for the counseling. It's just to make them feel better before they file, or to justify filing, or to get leverage, or evidence.

When has a woman ever requested marriage counseling because SHE is the one screwing up the marriage?

Never.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because women typically view marriage counseling as a prelude to divorce, because they never assign blame to themselves as a reason for the counseling. It's just to make them feel better before they file, or to justify filing, or to get leverage, or evidence.

When has a woman ever requested marriage counseling because SHE is the one screwing up the marriage?

Never.

I think part of being in a grown up relationship is realizing that, many times, both people are screwing it up.

Not on DCUM. Here being in a grown up relationship is realizing that as the husband, it's all your fault.

[Anonymous]

I'm 99% sure my DH doesn't want to do therapy, because the therapist will confirm to me what an unhealthy and abusive relationship I am in. And he's afraid if an outside person confirms this, I will leave him. Right now, he can keep playing it off like I overreact and I'm the one with the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 99% sure my DH doesn't want to do therapy, because the therapist will confirm to me what an unhealthy and abusive relationship I am in. And he's afraid if an outside person confirms this, I will leave him. Right now, he can keep playing it off like I overreact and I'm the one with the problem.

Yet you want to go to counseling to prolong, avoid, get some sort of self satisfaction instead of moving forward with your life in a healthy and positive way.

Here's a thought, find someone who is NOT abusive or unhealthy. Wouldn't that be much easier?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 99% sure my DH doesn't want to do therapy, because the therapist will confirm to me what an unhealthy and abusive relationship I am in. And he's afraid if an outside person confirms this, I will leave him. Right now, he can keep playing it off like I overreact and I'm the one with the problem.

Why would he think otherwise? You continue to stay reinforcing to him that you are a door mat. Leave and find a better life. You only want therapy because it stalls you from doing what you need to do - Divorce! Don't be so confident, the therapist may see what we do. Negative attention is better than none.

[Anonymous]

We tried it, and it was great for me. I put a lot into it and got a lot out of it. She did not, and did not listen to a word the therapist said. She apparently knows more than the therapist. So, I gave up on it when I realized I was the only one listening.