Why did you refuse marriage counseling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She said he was abusive because he isn't. That's just a catch all vague phrase women invariably use to heap all blame upon the husband and divest themselves of any responsibility.

It's certainly not. There are real abusive people out there. I dated someone that would scream and yell and it was scary. When he started breaking things I got out of there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My therapist (IC) wanted to bring my DW in a couple of times and she did, but it made her intensely uncomfortable. She is fine with counseling when I do it, but if the focus ever shifts to her, she's unwilling to face it. The same thing happened with a brief period of MC we did after a difficult period we were going through. As long as the focus was on how fucked up I am, she's good. When the counselor wanted to talk about her, she got really upset and we stopped seeing him soon after.

Naturally, this has reinforced my belief that she has stuff she is hiding from me for one reason or another.

This is very common among women. They can't own their deficiencies . One of the reasons they are horrible leaders. When you come to realize this as a spouse, you feel horribly alone and nauseated .

Well, I will say to you that for the past year I, DW, have made a point of taking blame/responsibility for every last thing that does or may happen and being ultra flexible - and DH is silly happy.
Men can be so defensive they just can't take much that doesn't go their way.
I just decided it wasn't worth the disagreements anymore. You want to do it if this way? Sure...
About huge life decisions I guess we'd still chat, but everything else -eh, whatever.

That seems like a horrible approach. You take the blame for everything?

Just about dumb stuff. But really we have teens now and everything is my fault anyway (omg - I don't remember being that much of a pain in the ass as a teen) so it's easy peazy.

Really though I married a good man who works hard at his job, with our children and around the house. He's pretty darned agreeable, he's in good shape, he's around a lot. His life is pretty stressful but he still keeps working and working.
So, if my letting a whole ton of stuff go can make his life a bit happier why not? Most of the stuff people stake a claim over really doesn't matter.
So yea if I can let it go I do. If I can pick up some of the slack I do (can't always as I have work to do myself but sometimes I can).

He is much happier and at the same time now he is more attentive and asks me more what I need help with.
We spend more time together doing stuff too.

I'm no doormat, believe me, but I try to sweat 0% of what doesn't matter (which is a lot of stuff really).
Life is short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My therapist (IC) wanted to bring my DW in a couple of times and she did, but it made her intensely uncomfortable. She is fine with counseling when I do it, but if the focus ever shifts to her, she's unwilling to face it. The same thing happened with a brief period of MC we did after a difficult period we were going through. As long as the focus was on how fucked up I am, she's good. When the counselor wanted to talk about her, she got really upset and we stopped seeing him soon after.

Naturally, this has reinforced my belief that she has stuff she is hiding from me for one reason or another.

This is very common among women. They can't own their deficiencies . One of the reasons they are horrible leaders. When you come to realize this as a spouse, you feel horribly alone and nauseated .

Well, I will say to you that for the past year I, DW, have made a point of taking blame/responsibility for every last thing that does or may happen and being ultra flexible - and DH is silly happy.
Men can be so defensive they just can't take much that doesn't go their way.
I just decided it wasn't worth the disagreements anymore. You want to do it if this way? Sure...
About huge life decisions I guess we'd still chat, but everything else -eh, whatever.

That seems like a horrible approach. You take the blame for everything?

Just about dumb stuff. But really we have teens now and everything is my fault anyway (omg - I don't remember being that much of a pain in the ass as a teen) so it's easy peazy.

Really though I married a good man who works hard at his job, with our children and around the house. He's pretty darned agreeable, he's in good shape, he's around a lot. His life is pretty stressful but he still keeps working and working.
So, if my letting a whole ton of stuff go can make his life a bit happier why not? Most of the stuff people stake a claim over really doesn't matter.
So yea if I can let it go I do. If I can pick up some of the slack I do (can't always as I have work to do myself but sometimes I can).

He is much happier and at the same time now he is more attentive and asks me more what I need help with.
We spend more time together doing stuff too.

I'm no doormat, believe me, but I try to sweat 0% of what doesn't matter (which is a lot of stuff really).
Life is short.

This approach also does not cost $220/hour plus a babysitter - money better used on a nice vacation.

[Anonymous]

I think we have one really angry poster on this thread. He seems to have commented nastily on just about every post.

[Anonymous]

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/honest-marriage-vows-that-couples-should-actually-make_us_56e84575e4b0860f99da859e

[Anonymous]

I refuse because when we were young one of my brothers was committed to a horrible mental institution that has since been shut down and I was exposed to some horrible therapists. I've hated 'therapy' ever since.

We went for a few sessions of 'family therapy' there which I totally didn't get - my brother was schizophrenic and just totally off the wall with his thinking. Nevertheless the counselor aggressively asked me to answer accusations that my brother made about things like my 'sex live with my boyfriend' in front of my family. I was 14 and while I had a boyfriend we didn't have a sex life mostly (kissing? Some petting?) and even if we did - why was it anyone's business? The whole thing was horrible, abusive and totally unprofessional . No thank you I've have the therapist heebie jeebies ever since. Now that it's my choice whether I can go if not I'm not going.

My brother is one of the rare people that recovered from schizophrenia - most likely to get away from the nut job therapists that he was locked up with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/honest-marriage-vows-that-couples-should-actually-make_us_56e84575e4b0860f99da859e

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I refuse because when we were young one of my brothers was committed to a horrible mental institution that has since been shut down and I was exposed to some horrible therapists. I've hated 'therapy' ever since.

We went for a few sessions of 'family therapy' there which I totally didn't get - my brother was schizophrenic and just totally off the wall with his thinking. Nevertheless the counselor aggressively asked me to answer accusations that my brother made about things like my 'sex live with my boyfriend' in front of my family. I was 14 and while I had a boyfriend we didn't have a sex life mostly (kissing? Some petting?) and even if we did - why was it anyone's business? The whole thing was horrible, abusive and totally unprofessional . No thank you I've have the therapist heebie jeebies ever since. Now that it's my choice whether I can go if not I'm not going.

My brother is one of the rare people that recovered from schizophrenia - most likely to get away from the nut job therapists that he was locked up with.

Wow, that's an intense story! There are definitely a lot of hacks and worse out there, so you do need to be careful. I have had the most luck going through groups practices that are grounded in evidence based, short-term therapies. Your therapist ought to be able to clearly explain their approach, the goals you will set, and how long it might take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I refuse because when we were young one of my brothers was committed to a horrible mental institution that has since been shut down and I was exposed to some horrible therapists. I've hated 'therapy' ever since.

We went for a few sessions of 'family therapy' there which I totally didn't get - my brother was schizophrenic and just totally off the wall with his thinking. Nevertheless the counselor aggressively asked me to answer accusations that my brother made about things like my 'sex live with my boyfriend' in front of my family. I was 14 and while I had a boyfriend we didn't have a sex life mostly (kissing? Some petting?) and even if we did - why was it anyone's business? The whole thing was horrible, abusive and totally unprofessional . No thank you I've have the therapist heebie jeebies ever since. Now that it's my choice whether I can go if not I'm not going.

My brother is one of the rare people that recovered from schizophrenia - most likely to get away from the nut job therapists that he was locked up with.

Wow, that's an intense story! There are definitely a lot of hacks and worse out there, so you do need to be careful. I have had the most luck going through groups practices that are grounded in evidence based, short-term therapies. Your therapist ought to be able to clearly explain their approach, the goals you will set, and how long it might take.

Yeah, but I have the permanent jeebies. Some of my friends are even counselors but I would still never go.
That's just the start of that story...