Advice for dealing with revelation from spouse?

[Anonymous]

I am the other side of the coin from the thread asking if anyone ever fell in love with someone they were less than attracted to at first.

It turns out my wife was never physically attracted to me when we got together. This was many, many years ago, before our wonderful children. She says she is "emotionally attracted" to me and I do believe she loves me I some way. But she has a low sex drive, and I feel like it's probably the lack of physical attraction. Basically, I think it's low drive for me, not low drive.

Any advice or suggestions?

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine why she told you this, when it can do nothing but hurt. She really never should have said this. But given that she did, the answer is to take her out of her day to day environment -- maybe to a lovely resort for a long weekend -- to wine and dine her and remind her why she fell in love with you and not with the rakish jerks she may find more attractive but nonetheless did not choose to marry. Attraction is much more psychological for women. Maybe she needs a reminder of why she fell in love long before all the children and obligations and stress.

[Anonymous]

If someone is not physically attracted to someone, then I don't see how that can be rectified by counseling or time.

Sadly without any sexual attraction, the intimacy will not exist.

How important is physical attraction to her? Try to discuss in depth with your wife if this indeed is the reason your sex life is not thriving more.

I wish the both of you all the best.

[Anonymous]

I think physical attraction is a very malleable thing. Or at least it is for me. I can be attracted to my DH one month and then the next, not so much, depending on what is going on between us at the time. It is insanity that your wife would marry you if she was not physically attracted. It's double insanity that, if she did, she would tell you so.

Still, at this point in life, after children and years of marriage, MOST people have to work at their sex lives to some extent. You don't have to be panting with desire for someone to still be having loving, tender sex with your lifelong partner. Everyone's passion ebbs and we have to work to keep the connection going.

If you are not happy with your sex life and her "low drive" you need to talk with her about that and perhaps get the two of you into couples counseling to work on it. Does she have orgasms with you when you guys have sex? If the answer is no then it is no wonder she would have "low drive" to have sex with you. You guys really have to talk about this and understand each other and work on it. Sexual intimacy is really connected to emotional intimacy for most women, and I imagine men too, and this is important. A sexless marriage can be improved--I did it in my marriage--but it's not going to happen on its own. It takes a real effort and a willingness to change yourself.

[Anonymous]

Tell us about yourself. Are you very overweight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell us about yourself. Are you very overweight?

Honestly, let's not go there. He's not her "type". I have no idea if my DH is conventionally attractive, but I just get excited when I see him -- even when he's put on weight or when I see a few of his other less attractive attributes. Other people that are attractive don't do it for me at all.

Don't know why she said it, though. You think that, you keep your mouth shut.

[Anonymous]

Congratulate her for being deep enough to see beyond the physical in her attraction to you. Then don't let her off the hook. If she was emotionally attracted to you before, what's different now? You want more sex, so the two of you need to do things that create emotional intimacy and connection between you.

[Anonymous]

Wow, she should not have told you that. Are you sure she wasn't saying her attraction to you grew, that she wasn't at first and then gave you a chance and then was attracted to you?

The emotional aspect of attraction is huge for women. You may have just miscommunicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Congratulate her for being deep enough to see beyond the physical in her attraction to you. Then don't let her off the hook. If she was emotionally attracted to you before, what's different now? You want more sex, so the two of you need to do things that create emotional intimacy and connection between you.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell us about yourself. Are you very overweight?

Honestly, let's not go there. He's not her "type". I have no idea if my DH is conventionally attractive, but I just get excited when I see him -- even when he's put on weight or when I see a few of his other less attractive attributes. Other people that are attractive don't do it for me at all.

Don't know why she said it, though. You think that, you keep your mouth shut.

Let's not go there? If he's fat, that would explain a lot.

[Anonymous]

Not fat. Pretty decent shape for office worker my age. She always thought I was good handsome, just not her type.

[Anonymous]

That's my husband.emotionally attracted to me. Zero sex drive for me. Alas, i found out late in the game. I feel very resentful. It will break us up.

[Anonymous]

I'm 100 percent not my husband's physical type, nor is he mine. We have a strong emotional attraction, though, and we're both pretty sexual, so that helps. I won't lie--we've gone through some rough times where his eye wandered and he felt he was missing something being with me.

I've battled in myself the feelings of insecurity and not being valued, and the kind of shame we can feel about our looks not being good enough, until at one point I decided, fuck it, you take me as I am or go find someone who looks the way you prefer. And I told him straight out, he's not my type in looks either, but I'm not chasing other men and I need and appreciate the emotional attraction we have, which channels into sex. I also told him that we'll be increasingly saggy, wrinkly, and gray, and I intend to be having good sex as long as I live and am able. But I won't be interested in sex with him if we lose our emotional connection, or if he's no fun in bed.

[Anonymous]

First, your wife is seriously cruel. Second, If your wife loves you, she will grant you an open marriage. She owes it to you to let you know what real lust and chemistry feels like. Sorry she told you this, but at least you know and can pursue what you want with impunity.

[Anonymous]

My husband said this -- he loved me but wasn't attracted to me -- after his cheating was uncovered. We had a strong emotional connection and a healthy sex life, but our marriage didn't survive because he thought he deserved someone who looked the way he wanted them to look.

It's been sad for me reading the various threads here of people not being intimate and/or not even liking each other but sticking it out for whatever reason trying to make things better, and thinking about all we had together -- few arguments and those we resolved quickly and easily, lots of laughter and fun and great sex, money to travel, common interests, great friends -- and how none of that mattered to him at the end of the day. And now I may never find someone who that stuff does matter to that I can share a life with.

Anyway, all of that is my stuff. If your wife feels a connection to you (and you to her) and all else is good, I wouldn't dwell on this point.