Advice for dealing with revelation from spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the other side of the coin from the thread asking if anyone ever fell in love with someone they were less than attracted to at first.

It turns out my wife was never physically attracted to me when we got together. This was many, many years ago, before our wonderful children. She says she is "emotionally attracted" to me and I do believe she loves me I some way. But she has a low sex drive, and I feel like it's probably the lack of physical attraction. Basically, I think it's low drive for me, not low drive.

Any advice or suggestions?

DH? I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

This is damaging to the ego and anyone who says it isn't is fooling themselves. Someone you're married to telling you you're no longer attractive will constantly make you second guess. I agree this has something to do with her low drive. It's not her its you so to speak. Plus you'll always have that on your mind every time she talks to another male. You'll always wonder if she finds this other guy attractive and funny...etc while you feel like nothing more than a paycheck and work mule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Congratulate her for being deep enough to see beyond the physical in her attraction to you. Then don't let her off the hook. If she was emotionally attracted to you before, what's different now? You want more sex, so the two of you need to do things that create emotional intimacy and connection between you.

Congrats? No she was an opportunist and selfish. I bet he is a nice stable faithful guy who will do anything for her. She used him. Nothing to be proud of marrying someone who me you are not attracted to. She made a sexual death bed and he unknowingly walked right into.

There is no resolving this. Yiu cannot manufacture sexual chemistry.

I say this as someone who did exactly what the OPs wife did. I have duty sex with my poor sweet husband who feels more like my best friend. It is repulsive sometimes and when it's not I have to imagine very very hard. I would never tell him because I fucked up. This guy loves me to death and is extremely attracted to me . He's attractive himself and is a perfect catch. Women would be lined around the corner for him.

In my selfishness I've fucked myself too. I'm devoid of passionate sex for the rest of my life. Yes, he is a good lover, but without chemistry it always falls flat.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her the following: "Fuck you you stupid bitch. Now go make me a sandwich."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congratulate her for being deep enough to see beyond the physical in her attraction to you. Then don't let her off the hook. If she was emotionally attracted to you before, what's different now? You want more sex, so the two of you need to do things that create emotional intimacy and connection between you.

Congrats? No she was an opportunist and selfish. I bet he is a nice stable faithful guy who will do anything for her. She used him. Nothing to be proud of marrying someone who me you are not attracted to. She made a sexual death bed and he unknowingly walked right into.

There is no resolving this. Yiu cannot manufacture sexual chemistry.

I say this as someone who did exactly what the OPs wife did. I have duty sex with my poor sweet husband who feels more like my best friend. It is repulsive sometimes and when it's not I have to imagine very very hard. I would never tell him because I fucked up. This guy loves me to death and is extremely attracted to me . He's attractive himself and is a perfect catch. Women would be lined around the corner for him.

In my selfishness I've fucked myself too. I'm devoid of passionate sex for the rest of my life. Yes, he is a good lover, but without chemistry it always falls flat.

PP if he is objectively attractive like you say he is, then this isnt an attraction problem, its a problem thats all in your head.

You have simmering hostility and resentment towards men--probably serious daddy issues--and youre punishing your husband because of it.

You're not attracted to your husband because you dont want to be. You dont want to be beecause playing the martyr in your marriage gives you some kind of gratification. Was your mom the same way to your dad?

Your husband probably contributes to the lack if attraction. Ill bet hes very passive and lets you walk all over him and dominate the marriage. Thats a libido killer for most women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the other side of the coin from the thread asking if anyone ever fell in love with someone they were less than attracted to at first.

It turns out my wife was never physically attracted to me when we got together. This was many, many years ago, before our wonderful children. She says she is "emotionally attracted" to me and I do believe she loves me I some way. But she has a low sex drive, and I feel like it's probably the lack of physical attraction. Basically, I think it's low drive for me, not low drive.

Any advice or suggestions?

First of all it doesnt really make sense that your wife was never physically attracted to you, ever, because if not, why bother with a relationship much less a marriage?

It is Far more likely she is having an affair and to jusify the affair she rewrite the marital history so that she was never attractdd to you. This makes her affair your fault--at least that is the way a cheater thinks.

Your wife is cheating on you. You need to find out what is going on. Hint: you wont get the truth from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine why she told you this, when it can do nothing but hurt. She really never should have said this. But given that she did, the answer is to take her out of her day to day environment -- maybe to a lovely resort for a long weekend -- to wine and dine her and remind her why she fell in love with you and not with the rakish jerks she may find more attractive but nonetheless did not choose to marry. Attraction is much more psychological for women. Maybe she needs a reminder of why she fell in love long before all the children and obligations and stress.

Worst. Advice. Ever.

If you reward a bitch for being a bitch, you will simply get more bitch.

[Anonymous]

You have described the situation. What is the problem you want suggestions on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congratulate her for being deep enough to see beyond the physical in her attraction to you. Then don't let her off the hook. If she was emotionally attracted to you before, what's different now? You want more sex, so the two of you need to do things that create emotional intimacy and connection between you.

Congrats? No she was an opportunist and selfish. I bet he is a nice stable faithful guy who will do anything for her. She used him. Nothing to be proud of marrying someone who me you are not attracted to. She made a sexual death bed and he unknowingly walked right into.

There is no resolving this. Yiu cannot manufacture sexual chemistry.

I say this as someone who did exactly what the OPs wife did. I have duty sex with my poor sweet husband who feels more like my best friend. It is repulsive sometimes and when it's not I have to imagine very very hard. I would never tell him because I fucked up. This guy loves me to death and is extremely attracted to me . He's attractive himself and is a perfect catch. Women would be lined around the corner for him.

In my selfishness I've fucked myself too. I'm devoid of passionate sex for the rest of my life. Yes, he is a good lover, but without chemistry it always falls flat.

DH here: If you were my DW, I'd want to know. In fact, I think my DW is in exactly the same place, and would never tell me either. After many years of trying really hard to make sex work for us, I'd rather just have her be honest and then we could find some way to deal with it. It's really not fair for your DH to not know what is going on. He is probably thinking every day about why it isn't working and how to make it better. I know I am.

[Anonymous]

If you are going to tell your spouse you aren't sexually attracted to them,you have to offer them an open marriage. Otherwise you are saying they will never have sex again with someone who wants it with them. Enormously cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are going to tell your spouse you aren't sexually attracted to them,you have to offer them an open marriage. Otherwise you are saying they will never have sex again with someone who wants it with them. Enormously cruel.

If you aren't sexually attracted to your spouse they deserve to know. I would suspect that it will explain a great many things about the marriage that they have probably been agonizing over. Better to know than not know, even if the news is bad.

[Anonymous]

I don't know what to do about your particular situation, but it's clear that many people don't actually understand that sexual desire is a spectrum. Some people don't experience it at all and that's fine. Some people experience it a little and that's fine. Some people experience it a lot and that's fine. People of any amount of sexual desire can have intimate and fulfilling relationships. You don't need to have sex to have a good relationship. You don't. what you do need, however, is open lines of communication. This will allow you and your partner to talk about what you both want and need, instead of just assuming that everyone is exactly the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what to do about your particular situation, but it's clear that many people don't actually understand that sexual desire is a spectrum. Some people don't experience it at all and that's fine. Some people experience it a little and that's fine. Some people experience it a lot and that's fine. People of any amount of sexual desire can have intimate and fulfilling relationships. You don't need to have sex to have a good relationship. You don't. what you do need, however, is open lines of communication. This will allow you and your partner to talk about what you both want and need, instead of just assuming that everyone is exactly the same.

Amount of desire and quality of sex are very partner dependent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are going to tell your spouse you aren't sexually attracted to them,you have to offer them an open marriage. Otherwise you are saying they will never have sex again with someone who wants it with them. Enormously cruel.

If you aren't sexually attracted to your spouse they deserve to know. I would suspect that it will explain a great many things about the marriage that they have probably been agonizing over. Better to know than not know, even if the news is bad.

+1 to both PPs.

[Anonymous]

This is all very sad. I don't think I could live the rest of my life married to someone I had no attraction to.