How did you overcome past emotional abuse by your spouse?

[Anonymous]

We've been married eleven years and the past couple have been BAD. Both of us are at fault, but on his end, he has been very emotionally abusive. Swearing, name-calling, manipulation, degrading, etc. I felt like he had no respect for me or anything I value. He pretty much insulted everything about me at one point or another. I would pay for parking in DC when my commute would otherwise be free just so I could have time alone to cry. Then, he started seeing a therapist for some other issues, started meds, and I'm starting to see the man I married again. The thing is, I have so much resentment built up that I'm not sure I can make this work. I love sex but don't want to have sex with him. I feel so disconnected and, just, worn out. I know we need counseling, but I'm afraid. Afraid that it won't work, and afraid that it will. Any inspiration? Good or bad.

[Anonymous]

I was going to suggest counseling. If couples therapy is too intense for you right now, maybe try individual. It's going to be hard to get through this alone. GL

[Anonymous]

OP here- I reread my post and realized I really made myself out to be the victim. I'm sure being married to me is no picnic either. We just have different ways of hurting/disappointing each other. I'm just having a harder time moving on. We used to be able to get past stuff, but now I'm angered easily and am avoiding sex.

[Anonymous]

I didn't. It's like a string that literally snapped inside and I just have no will to work anything over. I just want out. We will be divorcing.

[Anonymous]

I overcame it with individual therapy, and leaving my husband.

[Anonymous]

I get how you feel, OP. We've been going through the same evolution for the past two years. We have periods where I am able to feel closer to him, and periods where I need to pull back and do more healing work on my own. It takes communication, patience, and care on both sides. He has to understand and you have to understand that you need time to heal. Therapy should help. He's made real changes, with therapy and meds, but that doesn't erase the damage done or your feelings about it. Plus you need a lot of time to go by where he shows his behavior, attitudes, and treatment of you to be consistently good for you. It will take time for you to feel safe again, to release anger and resentment, and be able to move forward.

[Anonymous]

I haven't overcome it all. But I've overcome a lot with time.

[Anonymous]

You don't say why the past few years were so bad. I would say that some individual counseling for you is in order, so that you can work through what you need/want, and where you go from here.

My situation was different because my ex was abusive from the beginning, and he wasn't going to change. Leaving was the right choice, but now I'm not interested in dating and haven't been for years (I'm also raising a child so time for dating is limited).

[Anonymous]

Perhaps the key to all of this is starting over with a fresh slate. Sounds like both of you have been abusive to one another (emotionally) over the past couple of years. If you can already see that you were at fault as well as your DH, then that may lead you to find some forgiveness for him.

Give this some time. Remember, there is no need to make any decisions about the future of your marriage right now. We often rush ourselves into making a quick decision because it feels awful to live in indecision -- we want to wrap things up one way or the other.

As your DH regains his composure and becomes the person that you knew and loved again, I imagine your feelings for him will return. It will take considerable time to regain trust.

In the meantime, I would focus on a therapy that teaches the two of you skills to use when you have arguments or fights.

You will never regret trying hard to make your marriage work. Even if you end up divorcing, you will know that you are moving on with a really clear conscience.

Good luck to the two of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I overcame it with individual therapy, and leaving my husband.

+1 but somebody recommended Emily Cook in Bethesda on here for abuse issues, and I called to talk to her yesterday (STBX not accepting divorce well). She sounded really on it, so individual or together with her might be an option. I wish we found her sooner. Most therapists are badly equipped for abuse and end up making well-adjusted abusers and revictimizing the victim, IME. Maybe she could not have saved our marriage because he still won't fully face it, but I would have felt emotionally mugged in counseling less often along the way, I think. Good luck, OP. And I know I recommend this like broken record, but get Patricia Evans's books and Lundy Bancroft's books. Lundy's Should I Stay or Should I Go is my constant reference guide, but he has others if you are not thinking in such stark terms yet. These things take time and effort to improve. Sounds like you might have a shot if it has been a noticeable change and now improvement rather than something he's always done, but I don't have a crystal ball. I just know that was not my situation. Very best of luck and hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I overcame it with individual therapy, and leaving my husband.

+1 but it was my wife. Really, leaving was the first step. After a good while (while I came out of the gaslighting fog) I pursued individual therapy. In her case, she wouldn't ever see a therapist or admit there was anything even remotely wrong with her. Supposedly it was all me. I don't know, but I've been happier and healthier since I GTFO/DTMFA and I've been able to have healthy stable relationships with other people.

[Anonymous]

Reading your post, you seem very self-aware which is a huge benefit in overcoming any obstacle. And I appreciate that you acknowledge the need for guidance/assistance in overcoming your current emotional state. None of us have the knowledge or strength to deal with all that life throws at us and getting the help we need really is the first step to positive change. Since you have seen positive change in your husband resulting from his therapy hopefully that will encourage you to try that for yourself. Maybe as a first step you might be willing to call a counseling help line. I highly recommend the Focus on the Family counseling line at 855-771-HELP (4357) because it is free and you speak with a licensed counselor. Please don't let the fear of that first step keep you stuck in this emotionally shutdown mode. Take care!

[Vsubois19]

Anonymous wrote:Reading your post, you seem very self-aware which is a huge benefit in overcoming any obstacle. And I appreciate that you acknowledge the need for guidance/assistance in overcoming your current emotional state. None of us have the knowledge or strength to deal with all that life throws at us and getting the help we need really is the first step to positive change. Since you have seen positive change in your husband resulting from his therapy hopefully that will encourage you to try that for yourself. Maybe as a first step you might be willing to call a counseling help line. I highly recommend the Focus on the Family counseling line at 855-771-HELP (4357) because it is free and you speak with a licensed counselor. Please don't let the fear of that first step keep you stuck in this emotionally shutdown mode. Take care!

Thank you. I appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

OP, be aware that Focus on the Family is an evangelical Christian organization, so they may approach a verbal/emotional abuse situation in a way that is not necessarily helpful or safe. I would try the National Domestic Violence hotline. Or read the books that were suggested above.

[Anonymous]

Haven't overcome it, but did walk out.

Know what he said when I told him I was leaving? "Well, we should have sex one last time. The last time should always be vaginal." (The last time we'd been intimate I'd given him a blow job.)

Hahahahahahahahahahaha. Asshole.

It might never heal, OP. If you want to try, get some counseling for yourself first and give yourself a safe space to process your hurt and distress and also to work on your own communication skills. Day to day just work through it with patience, counseling will help you determine the ultimate outcome. Good luck <3 It is not okay to be degraded by someone who loves you. People yell and swear but name calling and specific, disdainful comments about you? No. You have every right to be very upset.