How did you overcome past emotional abuse by your spouse?

[Anonymous]

OP here- Wow, these comments have all made me think. It's so HARD to think of myself as a victim and him as an abuser since our outward personalities, career success, and such don't seem to fit those labels. Maybe that's why I have trouble accepting it? His refrain is always, "People say mean things when they fight." At some point a few years ago, I realized that many of the things he would say to me went beyond typical mean comments. I would have left a long time ago, but we have kids who I know would be crushed. He is a great dad… which I sometimes feel is part of the problem. He focuses so much on them that he doesn't have time to focus on us. I've heard the argument that kids are better off with single parents than with parents who fight. That doesn't exactly fit us though since we typically put on a good act.

[Anonymous]

OP, my therapist told me that my kids were soaking it all up, and that abusive relationships would feel normal to them. That is one reason I had to leave. I couldn't let the verbal/emotional abuse perpetuate in the next generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself. Do you really want to be stuck with someone that has to see a therapist, has issues and is on meds?

There are many normal people out there. At least being by yourself would be much better with all the peace and quiet.

In that situation I'd be much happier in a small apt. with me and my dog. Come and go, no stress, friends, hobbies. Food for thought.

This glib response is easy to say when you don't have school age kids. Which you do not. Btdt.

School age kids who would miss their father complicate the equation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Wow, these comments have all made me think. It's so HARD to think of myself as a victim and him as an abuser since our outward personalities, career success, and such don't seem to fit those labels. Maybe that's why I have trouble accepting it? His refrain is always, "People say mean things when they fight." At some point a few years ago, I realized that many of the things he would say to me went beyond typical mean comments. I would have left a long time ago, but we have kids who I know would be crushed. He is a great dad… which I sometimes feel is part of the problem. He focuses so much on them that he doesn't have time to focus on us. I've heard the argument that kids are better off with single parents than with parents who fight. That doesn't exactly fit us though since we typically put on a good act.

This right here is too familiar. I left because I wanted my kids to see me happy and in a healthy relationship. I left because I have to be a model for both a son and daughter, and I do not want them to think that the way I was being treated was normal or appropriate.

[Anonymous]

OP here- if those who have kids and left are still following- how did they take the divorce initially and how are they now?

[Anonymous]

To this day, my daughter's biggest fear is that I will take her father back. I have promised her I will never, ever take him back, ever. She has said recently that she hopes I meet a nice man b/c I deserve to be happy. She is a sweet soul.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- if those who have kids and left are still following- how did they take the divorce initially and how are they now?

My kids are 10 and 13. I left in September 2014. The first school year was a little rough for the younger one, but frankly it was very rough for her, too, before I left. Over the summer, it was like someone flipped a switch and she was a enw kid. She restarted the activities she quit and her grades in school are very high. The older one has been rock steady through out. They were very matter of fact about the whole thing and seemed excited about Mommy's new apartment. They asked for one change to the custody schedule to have a week on week off schedule so they didn't have to move during the school week. Otherwise, no drama. They only seem to get upset when I cry, so I try not to. We do talk about it and how to pick a good husband/boyfriend, but I do not trash my ex. And then there is this gem I say that I got from an energy healer: I know sometimes kids whose parents split up may feel a bit torn in half because their parents split up, but when I look at you, I see the parts of Daddy I love. And I tell them that I love them, he loves them, we still love each other but can't be married to each other, and that they are safe and loved every chance I get. And that we are not a broken family - that they were very much wanted and are very much loved, and our family is different but not broken. I still keep my bridal portrait (of just me) up and they have some pictures of their father in their rooms.

I save the can you believe the abusive a-hole did this rants for certain friends and try to go there as little as possible. It isn't always easy but it is the right thing for everyone's mental health to spend as little time in that head space as possible.

[Anonymous]

Be very careful at labeling your husband as abusive. My wife tried to do this to me and it was clearly a situational thing. We had both been going through a hard time. She tried to use it to justify an emotional affair she later had. Try to understand where he is coming from. There are a lot of people with abuse finding agendas. Steer clear of them. Screaming matches and drunken fights are not ideal but they could mean passion.

[Anonymous]

My kids are 4 and 3, and they are doing great. They are much more relaxed now (he didn't care about fighting in front of them before). They are used to the routine, and my ex is being a better dad now that he has to do it on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my therapist told me that my kids were soaking it all up, and that abusive relationships would feel normal to them. That is one reason I had to leave. I couldn't let the verbal/emotional abuse perpetuate in the next generation.

I did not soak up my father's emotional and physical abuse towards my mother. In fact, I've abhorred it since childhood; it never ever felt "normal." I fell in love and married a kind and loving partner; our child is safe from abuse.

I'm sorry, it just really bothers me when therapists fill people's heads with nonsense like "your children will grow up to be abusers or victims of abuse." Or, "he cheated, so he can only raise cheaters." Armchair psychology. Find a better therapist, if you're still using one.

[Anonymous]

I overcame mine by hiring some muscular women and had my ex beat to a pulp...jk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I overcame mine by hiring some muscular women and had my ex beat to a pulp...jk

+1 the benefits of feminism

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be very careful at labeling your husband as abusive. My wife tried to do this to me and it was clearly a situational thing. We had both been going through a hard time. She tried to use it to justify an emotional affair she later had. Try to understand where he is coming from. There are a lot of people with abuse finding agendas. Steer clear of them. Screaming matches and drunken fights are not ideal but they could mean passion.

That is a very self-serving viewpoint. "I scream, call you names, and fight with you when I am drunk because I love you so dearly." What a very convenient line of BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be very careful at labeling your husband as abusive. My wife tried to do this to me and it was clearly a situational thing. We had both been going through a hard time. She tried to use it to justify an emotional affair she later had. Try to understand where he is coming from. There are a lot of people with abuse finding agendas. Steer clear of them. Screaming matches and drunken fights are not ideal but they could mean passion.

No.

If you think your husband has turned a corner and now seems to be someone you want to be with, then you need to get yourself into counseling to deal with your resentment and to find out if the damage runs too deep to be fixed or if you can rediscover your love and desire for him.

It is also important to own whatever horrible things you have done to him as well of course; therapy will help you do this.

But do not under any circumstances make excuses for the shitty way he treated you. Acknowledge it and see if you can move on from it. It is entirely possible that you cannot, but you seem to want to at least try and therapy is a good start. Individual, as well as couples.