How did you overcome past emotional abuse by your spouse?

[Anonymous]

I didn't. I quietly seethed with anger for years and one day the fates smiled on me and the selfish and lazy asshole died from a heart attack. Problem solved!

[Anonymous]

Pathetic women...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've been married eleven years and the past couple have been BAD. Both of us are at fault, but on his end, he has been very emotionally abusive. Swearing, name-calling, manipulation, degrading, etc. I felt like he had no respect for me or anything I value. He pretty much insulted everything about me at one point or another. I would pay for parking in DC when my commute would otherwise be free just so I could have time alone to cry. Then, he started seeing a therapist for some other issues, started meds, and I'm starting to see the man I married again. The thing is, I have so much resentment built up that I'm not sure I can make this work. I love sex but don't want to have sex with him. I feel so disconnected and, just, worn out. I know we need counseling, but I'm afraid. Afraid that it won't work, and afraid that it will. Any inspiration? Good or bad.

No you both don't need counseling, you do. To find out why you would tolerate this. You are with an abuser, he won't change. Don't waste time going to counseling. He will end up yelling, and degrade you after the sessions or afterwards. Forget him.

My advice would be to get out quickly. Get your finances in order, see a lawyer and get the heck out.

Meanwhile learn some coping skills if this loser goes off on you again while you're getting your act together, leave the room or house quickly. Let him say his sickness to the walls. This is what you do, don't give him the opportunity to degrade you. By all means, don't argue, don't try to talk rationally with him - leave and walk away.

Yes why would you have sex with this abuser? I hope you have enough self esteem to get out. Many co-dependents stay years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't. I quietly seethed with anger for years and one day the fates smiled on me and the selfish and lazy asshole died from a heart attack. Problem solved!

This happened to a friend, except it was colon cancer. He was 43, and she was looking for a lawyer. Couldn't believe her luck, a VERY happy widow as he was also very abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I reread my post and realized I really made myself out to be the victim. I'm sure being married to me is no picnic either. We just have different ways of hurting/disappointing each other. I'm just having a harder time moving on. We used to be able to get past stuff, but now I'm angered easily and am avoiding sex.

Excuses. My friend sounds like you, so sad. She wasted years, we tried to get her to leave the jerk. Didn't get to have the kids she wanted and now it's too late. Only you can make the break. I would never care for someone that said things like that to me, that would be it.

[Anonymous]

I wish my wife gets hearth attack, car wreck, plane crash so I don't have to deal with her abuse

[Anonymous]

Ask yourself. Do you really want to be stuck with someone that has to see a therapist, has issues and is on meds?

There are many normal people out there. At least being by yourself would be much better with all the peace and quiet.

In that situation I'd be much happier in a small apt. with me and my dog. Come and go, no stress, friends, hobbies. Food for thought.

[Anonymous]

Get counseling and give yourself time. My marriage went through a tough period where we were both abusive towards each other. I held anger for years about it even after our marriage significantly improved. Counseling, time, and prayer has helped me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've been married eleven years and the past couple have been BAD. Both of us are at fault, but on his end, he has been very emotionally abusive. Swearing, name-calling, manipulation, degrading, etc. I felt like he had no respect for me or anything I value. He pretty much insulted everything about me at one point or another. I would pay for parking in DC when my commute would otherwise be free just so I could have time alone to cry. Then, he started seeing a therapist for some other issues, started meds, and I'm starting to see the man I married again. The thing is, I have so much resentment built up that I'm not sure I can make this work. I love sex but don't want to have sex with him. I feel so disconnected and, just, worn out. I know we need counseling, but I'm afraid. Afraid that it won't work, and afraid that it will. Any inspiration? Good or bad.

Please visit http://www.outofthefog.net

[Anonymous]

17:19 here. I could have written your post. I was married 21 years. Meds worked for a short time. But he is a narcissist and believes there is nothing wrong with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't. I quietly seethed with anger for years and one day the fates smiled on me and the selfish and lazy asshole died from a heart attack. Problem solved!

This happened to a friend, except it was colon cancer. He was 43, and she was looking for a lawyer. Couldn't believe her luck, a VERY happy widow as he was also very abusive.

Aww. That would be hard though because she gained nothing from watching him suffer. It didnt redeem anything. I escaped an abusive marriage. It takes incredible courage and a strong will to stand up for what you believe is right. People are not always supportive...

[Anonymous]

By the way, any decent therapist that understands verbal abuse will not see you together. It is too dangerous, that the abuse would escalate outside therapy or that the abuser would use the therapist sessions to abuse their spouse.

[Anonymous]

Wow a lot of judgement on here.

When I was post-partum, I had rage episodes and feel the way I treated my husband was at times abusive. I am now on meds and in individual therapy. However, we are still recovering from that period. He contributed too and things would escalate.

We are both in couples therapy and also in individual. It is getting better. Things are *so* much better between us. Trust was damaged but is being rebuilt. It does take time and work. There were a lot of things I was unhappy about in our marriage and was not dealing with well. (Thus the raging). Now we are better able to solve our conflicts and we are no longer as stressed.

I feel like I went through a mental health crisis. I would be very hurt by attitudes like "do you really want to be stuck with someone who has issues, needs therapy and meds"?

You and your spouse need to do couples therapy. You also probably need to get your own therapy. You are owning your part in it--will he own his part? And apologize? And work to make your marriage better? If the answer to those questions is no, then you have your answer. For me, the answer is yes, I am working on it, and we are now a closer team than we ever have been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I reread my post and realized I really made myself out to be the victim. I'm sure being married to me is no picnic either. We just have different ways of hurting/disappointing each other. I'm just having a harder time moving on. We used to be able to get past stuff, but now I'm angered easily and am avoiding sex.

It may be that your behavior in the relationship was also harmful, but I want to point out that shouldering the blame for being abused is CLASSIC for victims of abuse. You say he was calling you names and being disrespectful: he abused you. Of course you are having a hard time moving on.

Definitely investigate both individual therapy and couples therapy. If he really had progressed and improved his outlook and behavior, he will give you the space to sort out your feelings and rebuild trust in him. If he pushes you to let it go and move on, then you know he still doesn't respect you as a person.

[Anonymous]

I haven't really...