Moms who work long hours

[Anonymous]

How do you manage emotionally?

I just started a job at which I routinely work 70-80 hour weeks and I see my toddler only a couple of hours 2 or 3 days a week and then one day a weekend. I am under contract for a year and am doing this to help us save for a downpayment and be able to maybe put something in a college fund for her. People here are also well connected, so maybe I can get on someone's good side and they can use their connections to help me one day. DH and I both come from generations of rural poverty and are the first to try to break out.

It makes sense for me to be here and my child will benefit. But is so hard not seeing my baby, sleeping very little, and being tired all the time. For the moms who work long hours, whether at "top" jobs or because you have two regular jobs, what helps you feel better about not seeing your kids very much? What coping mechanisms and family plans do you make to work around the job and still have quality (if low quantity) time?

[Anonymous]

Hire out everything that you can

Family breakfasts a few times a week (before the day gets crazy and you get stuck at work)

Re-evaluate every 3-6 months if this is still the best plan for your family. In between doing this, let yourself off the hook on guilt. Just do what you have to do

[Anonymous]

First, don't beat yourself up. Don't feel guilty. Make the most of the time that you do spend time with your daughter. If possible, make the time quality time where you play with her or read to her or otherwise focus on her. Don't try to clean or multi-task if you are seeing her for just those few hours a week.

Is there any time for you to re-arrange your schedule so that you can add time in to spend with your child? I know you said that you just started but is your employer willing to allow you to come in later and work later or come in earlier and leave earlier? Is there any possibility of working from home so that your commute doesn't eat into the time you spend at home? Can you facetime or skype with her each night before she goes to bed, even if your still at work? (I realize this may not work if you child will miss you more but for some kids it might be a nice way to connect even if only for a few minutes)

I think the way most moms who are successful do it is by being creative.

Also, while you are doing this work, realize its not forever and that it is pushing you closer to a goal. Be sure to take care of yourself and take time for yourself when you can. Burning yourself out by spending your time exclusively between your job and child isn't any good for anyone.

Good Luck and Hang in there! I know it's hard.

[Anonymous]

Is DH doing the childcare?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hire out everything that you can

Family breakfasts a few times a week (before the day gets crazy and you get stuck at work)

Re-evaluate every 3-6 months if this is still the best plan for your family. In between doing this, let yourself off the hook on guilt. Just do what you have to do

Thanks. I usually leave for work by 7 and my daughter isn't up until 8 or 9 most days. I usually arrive at work with demands already under way, so breakfast together isn't going to work. I do have a cleaner come once a week. I haven't given up cooking yet because I actually enjoy it.

This is the only way we will ever be able to pay off student loans and afford a home any time in the next 10 or so years, so reevaluating means giving up that dream. Before this, I was making five figures because my field is very feast or famine. DH makes five figures. I think I can push through for one year, but nights like tonight when DH tells me my daughter just said a new word make me want to give up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is DH doing the childcare?

Nanny + DH.

[Anonymous]

Have you thought about relocating somewhere cheaper?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you thought about relocating somewhere cheaper?

Yes, but my salary will drop by a lot more than the change in cost of living and DH will probably have a difficult job search. Believe me, I have wracked my brain for other options. I am definitely doing the smart thing financially and career-wise. It just stinks sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is DH doing the childcare?

Nanny + DH.

If nanny is stable, competent and loving, no worries there.

[Anonymous]

What's the plan when your contract is up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is DH doing the childcare?

Nanny + DH.

If nanny is stable, competent and loving, no worries there.

She is. Between her and DH, my daughter is well cared for and thriving. I, too, dote on her when I am home. I couldn't do this if my daughter wasn't loved and happy. DH misses me, but as we see our downpayment fund increase, he is excited and thinks the job is worth it (He is a good husband; no bashing DH please). The only person who is struggling is me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, don't beat yourself up. Don't feel guilty. Make the most of the time that you do spend time with your daughter. If possible, make the time quality time where you play with her or read to her or otherwise focus on her. Don't try to clean or multi-task if you are seeing her for just those few hours a week.

Is there any time for you to re-arrange your schedule so that you can add time in to spend with your child? I know you said that you just started but is your employer willing to allow you to come in later and work later or come in earlier and leave earlier? Is there any possibility of working from home so that your commute doesn't eat into the time you spend at home? Can you facetime or skype with her each night before she goes to bed, even if your still at work? (I realize this may not work if you child will miss you more but for some kids it might be a nice way to connect even if only for a few minutes)

I think the way most moms who are successful do it is by being creative.

Also, while you are doing this work, realize its not forever and that it is pushing you closer to a goal. Be sure to take care of yourself and take time for yourself when you can. Burning yourself out by spending your time exclusively between your job and child isn't any good for anyone.

Good Luck and Hang in there! I know it's hard.

Great advice. I will add that you should keep in mind they only need you more as they get older. I have a four year old and can already see it. If this is the choice to set your family up for less long hrs in the future, the trade off seems to me unquestionably worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you manage emotionally?

I just started a job at which I routinely work 70-80 hour weeks and I see my toddler only a couple of hours 2 or 3 days a week and then one day a weekend. I am under contract for a year and am doing this to help us save for a downpayment and be able to maybe put something in a college fund for her. People here are also well connected, so maybe I can get on someone's good side and they can use their connections to help me one day. DH and I both come from generations of rural poverty and are the first to try to break out.

It makes sense for me to be here and my child will benefit. But is so hard not seeing my baby, sleeping very little, and being tired all the time. For the moms who work long hours, whether at "top" jobs or because you have two regular jobs, what helps you feel better about not seeing your kids very much? What coping mechanisms and family plans do you make to work around the job and still have quality (if low quantity) time?

It will be fine. My DS is almost 8 now and we have the best relationship, better than what I see around. You are doing the best for your family and it's short term. Just spend quality time with her when you are home.

[Anonymous]

I know it's hard, but they get SO MUCH MORE AWESOME. This sucks for now, but it will be worth it in the long run and you can do anything for a year. Also - your child may do stuff or miss you now but she won't remember down the road. So allow yourself to wish you could be with her, but know that you're making the right choice for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's the plan when your contract is up?

In a year, our student loans will be paid off. We'll have enough to keep about 6 months of expenses in savings and put the rest on a home somewhere inexpensive. We have a strict budget that we stick to -- I pack my lunches, for instance. At that point, I'll downgrade career and earnings-wise but enjoy much better hours. Because we plan to buy somewhere less expensive than the immediate DC area, we'll be able to afford the payments easily on less HHI. Just need to save the downpayment and get out of debt first.