Moms who work long hours

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent with older kids, one hundred percent disagree that they need you more when they are older. The only people who say this are those justifying not being around much in the early years or those justifying remaining at home.

Op try to find a way to get more kid time once your contact is complete. You can't turn back time and the preschhol years are when you are the center of their universe.

My kids are older too -- in their teens and early 20s -- and I do think that older kids need their parents' guidance and attention more than little ones. DH and I both worked full- time until our third child was born. We felt completely confident that our kids were well-cared for by our wonderful nanny, but I had an opportunity to go part-time and have never gone back to FT. As the kids have gotten older, I've been really grateful to have more time to be with them. Even -- or perhaps especially -- when they started going to school full days, the after-school time was critical in many ways. My oldest is a high school senior now, and she may "need" me less, but I really treasure the time we have together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent with older kids, one hundred percent disagree that they need you more when they are older. The only people who say this are those justifying not being around much in the early years or those justifying remaining at home.

Op try to find a way to get more kid time once your contact is complete. You can't turn back time and the preschhol years are when you are the center of their universe.

This. Those really early years are foundational in so many ways.

+2

This is what I don't think these "early years are foundational" posters understand: Yes, young children need high-quality care, but there is no research out there that says that that high-quality care has to come from the mother alone. Please, if you think I'm wrong, link to something that supports your opinion. OP has a husband and a nanny she trusts -- her daughter will be fine. As others have said, this is really about managing her own feelings. Especially because the OP's long hours have a set end date, and her daughter won't even remember this time.

I'd encourage you to read up on childhood development, years zero to five are univesally recognized as critical even though kids Don't remember them. These are also the years in which kids are most parent centric, but age seven or eight, kids begin to prefer spending time with peers to parents.a trend that grows stronger with each subsequent year.

You also ignore the value to. a parent in spending quality time with a young parent. Those are some of my most.cherished memories. As a parent of older kids, I can attest that tweendom arrives in the blink of an eye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent with older kids, one hundred percent disagree that they need you more when they are older. The only people who say this are those justifying not being around much in the early years or those justifying remaining at home.

Op try to find a way to get more kid time once your contact is complete. You can't turn back time and the preschhol years are when you are the center of their universe.

This. Those really early years are foundational in so many ways.

+2

This is what I don't think these "early years are foundational" posters understand: Yes, young children need high-quality care, but there is no research out there that says that that high-quality care has to come from the mother alone. Please, if you think I'm wrong, link to something that supports your opinion. OP has a husband and a nanny she trusts -- her daughter will be fine. As others have said, this is really about managing her own feelings. Especially because the OP's long hours have a set end date, and her daughter won't even remember this time.

I'd encourage you to read up on childhood development, years zero to five are univesally recognized as critical even though kids Don't remember them. These are also the years in which kids are most parent centric, but age seven or eight, kids begin to prefer spending time with peers to parents.a trend that grows stronger with each subsequent year.

You also ignore the value to. a parent in spending quality time with a young parent. Those are some of my most.cherished memories. As a parent of older kids, I can attest that tweendom arrives in the blink of an eye.

Young child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent with older kids, one hundred percent disagree that they need you more when they are older. The only people who say this are those justifying not being around much in the early years or those justifying remaining at home.

Op try to find a way to get more kid time once your contact is complete. You can't turn back time and the preschhol years are when you are the center of their universe.

My kids are older too -- in their teens and early 20s -- and I do think that older kids need their parents' guidance and attention more than little ones. DH and I both worked full- time until our third child was born. We felt completely confident that our kids were well-cared for by our wonderful nanny, but I had an opportunity to go part-time and have never gone back to FT. As the kids have gotten older, I've been really grateful to have more time to be with them. Even -- or perhaps especially -- when they started going to school full days, the after-school time was critical in many ways. My oldest is a high school senior now, and she may "need" me less, but I really treasure the time we have together.

You fit a nto both categories described above for people who take this position:.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your child's nanny can bring your daughter to meet you for lunch once a week. DH can skype you before bed, you could read a book or sing her a song. You are doing the right thing for your family.

WOHM here, and this is some good stuff. My MS student texts me a lot the days I don't telework, but if the technology was there when he was little... Why can't you FaceTime for ten minutes at night to read Go Dog Go? Or get video updates from DH and nanny? Or take even a 1/2 hour Panera lunch and have the nanny bring DC to you? Have DH call you each night when DD gets home and put you on speaker phone while he tells you about DD's day? They are lots of ways to sneak a little bit of kid contact into even the busiest work schedule. And for this year only, when you are home let everything not essential to health and basic hygiene go, and take care of yourself and enjoy DC. Outsource the house, the yard, cooking, the laundry, or just don't do it. Anyone can cook. You and DC need the time more.

[Anonymous]

I think you should buy a human replica robot and put it in the childs bedroom. then when you are working late at the office, you know, advancing your career, what you really think is important in life, you can reach out and touch your child via the metal robot. the one in your childs house will reach and stroke him/her in their bed.

something like alice

http://www.hansonrobotics.com/robot/alice-eve/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire out everything that you can

Family breakfasts a few times a week (before the day gets crazy and you get stuck at work)

Re-evaluate every 3-6 months if this is still the best plan for your family. In between doing this, let yourself off the hook on guilt. Just do what you have to do

Thanks. I usually leave for work by 7 and my daughter isn't up until 8 or 9 most days. I usually arrive at work with demands already under way, so breakfast together isn't going to work. I do have a cleaner come once a week. I haven't given up cooking yet because I actually enjoy it.

This is the only way we will ever be able to pay off student loans and afford a home any time in the next 10 or so years, so reevaluating means giving up that dream. Before this, I was making five figures because my field is very feast or famine. DH makes five figures. I think I can push through for one year, but nights like tonight when DH tells me my daughter just said a new word make me want to give up.

You're doing this for one year, right? Just get through it and count down the clock. Have dh take videos every day of your daughter. Maybe have her sleep in bed with you at night, or in one of those co-sleeper things. Just being physically near each other is comforting, even if you're both asleep.

I would try to keep your spending low too. You want to come out of this with as much money as possible. I did it for three years and it was horrible. Even worse, in the end it didn't pan out financially the way I thought it would.

[Anonymous]

I hope OP can ignore the ridiculous and petty comments from SAH crew...

First, I agree with posters that it matters this isn't an open-ended thing, but tied to specific financial goals and time-limited.

Second, in my case, it worked better to work late-late. My little guy was a morning dude. I'd get up and have some fun silly time with him and then get into the office. I liked having those memories through the long day. There may be an equivalent of this that gets you a little more time with your LO.

Third, in my case, I did not spend my weekends on housework or cooking. We lived off of "instant" meals from Trader Joes and cheapo soup meals from crockpot. My DH and I had a system where he ran a load of laundry each evening and my job was to empty dryer (throw clean clothes into various clean piles) and switch laundry from washing machine to dryer. His job was also loading the dishwasher and we'd both put things away and talk about our days. In other words, I made weekends about my son, taking him to the playground, crawling around with him, etc. At one point, DH got sick and we ate off of paper plates. I was fine with it; you do what you have to do.

Lastly, there is no perfect combination out there. I know SAH moms who are bored, angry (I mean not the ones cranking on this listserv), and I don't think they are very good moms to their kids, despite the fact they are home with them, because they don't play with them or laugh at their goofy little ways. Every family finds what works for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you manage emotionally?

I just started a job at which I routinely work 70-80 hour weeks and I see my toddler only a couple of hours 2 or 3 days a week and then one day a weekend. I am under contract for a year and am doing this to help us save for a downpayment and be able to maybe put something in a college fund for her. People here are also well connected, so maybe I can get on someone's good side and they can use their connections to help me one day. DH and I both come from generations of rural poverty and are the first to try to break out.

It makes sense for me to be here and my child will benefit. But is so hard not seeing my baby, sleeping very little, and being tired all the time. For the moms who work long hours, whether at "top" jobs or because you have two regular jobs, what helps you feel better about not seeing your kids very much? What coping mechanisms and family plans do you make to work around the job and still have quality (if low quantity) time?

ALL moms work long hours - SAHM work the longest of all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you manage emotionally?

I just started a job at which I routinely work 70-80 hour weeks and I see my toddler only a couple of hours 2 or 3 days a week and then one day a weekend. I am under contract for a year and am doing this to help us save for a downpayment and be able to maybe put something in a college fund for her. People here are also well connected, so maybe I can get on someone's good side and they can use their connections to help me one day. DH and I both come from generations of rural poverty and are the first to try to break out.

It makes sense for me to be here and my child will benefit. But is so hard not seeing my baby, sleeping very little, and being tired all the time. For the moms who work long hours, whether at "top" jobs or because you have two regular jobs, what helps you feel better about not seeing your kids very much? What coping mechanisms and family plans do you make to work around the job and still have quality (if low quantity) time?

ALL moms work long hours - SAHM work the longest of all.

Stupidest comment on the thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent with older kids, one hundred percent disagree that they need you more when they are older. The only people who say this are those justifying not being around much in the early years or those justifying remaining at home.

Op try to find a way to get more kid time once your contact is complete. You can't turn back time and the preschhol years are when you are the center of their universe.

This. Those really early years are foundational in so many ways.

Look - kids need you all the time. That's how it works.

But if you can choose to crush it at work and be home more once the kid is 2, then that seems way better than being home for 5 years and being gone a lot as the kid ages.

Spend as much quality time as you can now. The breakfast thing is a good idea. Leaving notes or photos could be a cute reminder that you are always there. Then in however many months, return to normal. You can do anything for a few months; think about deployed parents who are gone a lot throughout a whole childhood. That's not even you.

You'll be relieved to have the biggest financial hurdle behind you, and you'll still be able to be flexible and create memories with your very young child when you're done. Would you have enjoyed being home more the whole time? Sure. But that's not what you're doing, so just get through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you manage emotionally?

I just started a job at which I routinely work 70-80 hour weeks and I see my toddler only a couple of hours 2 or 3 days a week and then one day a weekend. I am under contract for a year and am doing this to help us save for a downpayment and be able to maybe put something in a college fund for her. People here are also well connected, so maybe I can get on someone's good side and they can use their connections to help me one day. DH and I both come from generations of rural poverty and are the first to try to break out.

It makes sense for me to be here and my child will benefit. But is so hard not seeing my baby, sleeping very little, and being tired all the time. For the moms who work long hours, whether at "top" jobs or because you have two regular jobs, what helps you feel better about not seeing your kids very much? What coping mechanisms and family plans do you make to work around the job and still have quality (if low quantity) time?

ALL moms work long hours - SAHM work the longest of all.

Stupidest comment on the thread

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're doing the right thing. I worked 20 hours a week until my youngest was 6. Now, I'm working long hours and am way behind in my career, struggling to catch up as much as I can. I really think it would have been better if I had worked these kind of hours when the kids were little and the nanny could handle everything. Now that they're older, they have homework, sports and school events and they notice if I'm not able to make it.

Your hard work now will pay off.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP - You and your husband sound like a well-grounded couple who have made the best decision for your family in the short and long term. This is a perfect example thts folks on DCUM need to think about in terms of the crushing loan debts for college for young couples and just how burdensome they are. It sounds like you are handling things as well as you can, but if there was a way for you DH to bring your daughter into town to see you during a break in your work day on the weekend that might be something to aim for especially in the good weather when even just to put down a blanket and roll a ball round with her on any patch of grass while you downed a sandwich would be good for her. I would also suggest that your daughter's sleep schedule might be moved around a bit so that she could get up earlier one or two days a week to have some Mom time and then just take a bit earlier or maybe two naps. If you really miss her, then at least be willing to try it or to let her have a later afternoon nap so she is up with you in the evening.

I also assume that your DH or possibly with the Nanny doing something, too, is carrying the bulk of the household duties so that your are not exhausted by having to sandwich in food shopping or laundry. For this year ahead, he should be Mr. Household task. The suggestions on how together the two of you can make some tasks just move along like getting dishes washed and laundry done does make sense. If cooking relaxes you, then do it as you can as your daughter will sleep some on the day you are off. You two obviously have worked hard to get your education and you will feel so much freer when those loans are gone. Stick to your plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you manage emotionally?

I just started a job at which I routinely work 70-80 hour weeks and I see my toddler only a couple of hours 2 or 3 days a week and then one day a weekend. I am under contract for a year and am doing this to help us save for a downpayment and be able to maybe put something in a college fund for her. People here are also well connected, so maybe I can get on someone's good side and they can use their connections to help me one day. DH and I both come from generations of rural poverty and are the first to try to break out.

It makes sense for me to be here and my child will benefit. But is so hard not seeing my baby, sleeping very little, and being tired all the time. For the moms who work long hours, whether at "top" jobs or because you have two regular jobs, what helps you feel better about not seeing your kids very much? What coping mechanisms and family plans do you make to work around the job and still have quality (if low quantity) time?

ALL moms work long hours - SAHM work the longest of all.

Stupidest comment on the thread

+1000