Moms who work long hours

[Anonymous]

This thread makes me sad for OPs kid. You know her coworker's think she is a shitty mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me sad for OPs kid. You know her coworker's think she is a shitty mom.

Why don't you volunteer to pay her bills and debt since you think she's such a bad mother. Stop talking with your hands and open your wallet instead. If you think it's okay to kick someone when they're in a tough situation I can gurantee you're a far, far shittier mom than OP and probably just a shitty person in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me sad for OPs kid. You know her coworker's think she is a shitty mom.

Why don't you volunteer to pay her bills and debt since you think she's such a bad mother. Stop talking with your hands and open your wallet instead. If you think it's okay to kick someone when they're in a tough situation I can gurantee you're a far, far shittier mom than OP and probably just a shitty person in general.

It's true, people should be aware of that. I work in a male dominated field and when I had a baby and was working part time random male coworkers (we worked with many different offices so you'd see different people at different times) would say things to me like 'where's your baby'. I would say 'with my husband/his father' and get blank looks of disapproval.
My husband got none of these questions at work.
You should be aware so that you don't wig out at work.
I would have liked to have known so that I could have not engaged with these men when they asked about my baby since they were just leading up to being nasty. I would have just said 'fine' and changed the topic of conversation instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me sad for OPs kid. You know her coworker's think she is a shitty mom.

Why don't you volunteer to pay her bills and debt since you think she's such a bad mother. Stop talking with your hands and open your wallet instead. If you think it's okay to kick someone when they're in a tough situation I can gurantee you're a far, far shittier mom than OP and probably just a shitty person in general.

It's true, people should be aware of that. I work in a male dominated field and when I had a baby and was working part time random male coworkers (we worked with many different offices so you'd see different people at different times) would say things to me like 'where's your baby'. I would say 'with my husband/his father' and get blank looks of disapproval.
My husband got none of these questions at work.
You should be aware so that you don't wig out at work.
I would have liked to have known so that I could have not engaged with these men when they asked about my baby since they were just leading up to being nasty. I would have just said 'fine' and changed the topic of conversation instead.

You don't know what her co-workers think and are just making assumptions. I'm a working mom and never had any problem with the men at my job. Lots of men with kids have wives that work. It's not a foreign concept and it's not the 50s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me sad for OPs kid. You know her coworker's think she is a shitty mom.

Do her coworkers think dads who work the same job and the same hours are shitty dads, or does it just not matter if/how dads WOH? And why would anyone give a rat's ass what their coworkers thought of their parenting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent with older kids, one hundred percent disagree that they need you more when they are older. The only people who say this are those justifying not being around much in the early years or those justifying remaining at home.

Op try to find a way to get more kid time once your contact is complete. You can't turn back time and the preschhol years are when you are the center of their universe.

This. Those really early years are foundational in so many ways.

+2

+3

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent with older kids, one hundred percent disagree that they need you more when they are older. The only people who say this are those justifying not being around much in the early years or those justifying remaining at home.

Op try to find a way to get more kid time once your contact is complete. You can't turn back time and the preschhol years are when you are the center of their universe.

Another mom of older kids.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope OP can ignore the ridiculous and petty comments from SAH crew...

First, I agree with posters that it matters this isn't an open-ended thing, but tied to specific financial goals and time-limited.

Second, in my case, it worked better to work late-late. My little guy was a morning dude. I'd get up and have some fun silly time with him and then get into the office. I liked having those memories through the long day. There may be an equivalent of this that gets you a little more time with your LO.

Third, in my case, I did not spend my weekends on housework or cooking. We lived off of "instant" meals from Trader Joes and cheapo soup meals from crockpot. My DH and I had a system where he ran a load of laundry each evening and my job was to empty dryer (throw clean clothes into various clean piles) and switch laundry from washing machine to dryer. His job was also loading the dishwasher and we'd both put things away and talk about our days. In other words, I made weekends about my son, taking him to the playground, crawling around with him, etc. At one point, DH got sick and we ate off of paper plates. I was fine with it; you do what you have to do.

Lastly, there is no perfect combination out there. I know SAH moms who are bored, angry (I mean not the ones cranking on this listserv), and I don't think they are very good moms to their kids, despite the fact they are home with them, because they don't play with them or laugh at their goofy little ways. Every family finds what works for them.

You sound defensive.

There is a ton of daylight behind being a stay at home.mom and working at a job where you maybe see your child ten hours tops per week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent with older kids, one hundred percent disagree that they need you more when they are older. The only people who say this are those justifying not being around much in the early years or those justifying remaining at home.

Op try to find a way to get more kid time once your contact is complete. You can't turn back time and the preschhol years are when you are the center of their universe.

This. Those really early years are foundational in so many ways.

Look - kids need you all the time. That's how it works.

But if you can choose to crush it at work and be home more once the kid is 2, then that seems way better than being home for 5 years and being gone a lot as the kid ages.

Spend as much quality time as you can now. The breakfast thing is a good idea. Leaving notes or photos could be a cute reminder that you are always there. Then in however many months, return to normal. You can do anything for a few months; think about deployed parents who are gone a lot throughout a whole childhood. That's not even you.

You'll be relieved to have the biggest financial hurdle behind you, and you'll still be able to be flexible and create memories with your very young child when you're done. Would you have enjoyed being home more the whole time? Sure. But that's not what you're doing, so just get through it.

Military parent here.

Deployed parents are not a good example for your argument.

Deployments definitely affect the parent/child relationship in many negative ways. Ask any military family.

[Anonymous]

There is nothing wrong with working long hour son a short financial goal. However, some thoughts:

1) Why do you have a Nanny? That's way more expensive than a good daycare
2) Do you really have to aggressively pay down student loans? Considered good credit at a low interest rate it should be a priority to do more than make minimum payments
3) Why are college funds a priority when you don't own a home?

I think you need to work smarter.

[Anonymous]

Both DH and I do. I see our child for 20 or 30 minutes in the mornings but DH and I rarely see her on week days because we both get home after she goes to bed (DH also leaves before she wakes up). We see her on weekends though and I assume we will see her more as she can stay up later. It is what it is. No point feeling guilty over something you can't control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you manage emotionally?

I just started a job at which I routinely work 70-80 hour weeks and I see my toddler only a couple of hours 2 or 3 days a week and then one day a weekend. I am under contract for a year and am doing this to help us save for a downpayment and be able to maybe put something in a college fund for her. People here are also well connected, so maybe I can get on someone's good side and they can use their connections to help me one day. DH and I both come from generations of rural poverty and are the first to try to break out.

It makes sense for me to be here and my child will benefit. But is so hard not seeing my baby, sleeping very little, and being tired all the time. For the moms who work long hours, whether at "top" jobs or because you have two regular jobs, what helps you feel better about not seeing your kids very much? What coping mechanisms and family plans do you make to work around the job and still have quality (if low quantity) time?

ALL moms work long hours - SAHM work the longest of all.

Da fuk you talking about? First, this isn't even what this thread is about. This is about a mom who clearly loves her child and is asking for support/advice on how to get through being away from her child while helping her family achieve financial stability. Your commentary is unhelpful and makes me sad for your child who clearly spends all day around a horrible mother who lacks any empathy. Too bad your child isn't in the care of someone loving and nurturing during the day like OP's child.

And last time I checked, working moms don't exactly "punch out" at the end of the work day. There is still all the same dinner prep, bath, bed time, middle of the night nursing sessions, tending to various illnesses, etc. that make for long days as a SAHM. It's not a competition so go pound sand PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me sad for OPs kid. You know her coworker's think she is a shitty mom.

Why don't you volunteer to pay her bills and debt since you think she's such a bad mother. Stop talking with your hands and open your wallet instead. If you think it's okay to kick someone when they're in a tough situation I can gurantee you're a far, far shittier mom than OP and probably just a shitty person in general.

It's true, people should be aware of that. I work in a male dominated field and when I had a baby and was working part time random male coworkers (we worked with many different offices so you'd see different people at different times) would say things to me like 'where's your baby'. I would say 'with my husband/his father' and get blank looks of disapproval.
My husband got none of these questions at work.
You should be aware so that you don't wig out at work.
I would have liked to have known so that I could have not engaged with these men when they asked about my baby since they were just leading up to being nasty. I would have just said 'fine' and changed the topic of conversation instead.

You don't know what her co-workers think and are just making assumptions. I'm a working mom and never had any problem with the men at my job. Lots of men with kids have wives that work. It's not a foreign concept and it's not the 50s.

Hahah so true. If my coworkers think I'm a bad mom for working, then they must think poorly of their wives! My male coworkers' spouses are doctors, attorneys, etc. and from what I can tell, they are pretty happy with having dual income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both DH and I do. I see our child for 20 or 30 minutes in the mornings but DH and I rarely see her on week days because we both get home after she goes to bed (DH also leaves before she wakes up). We see her on weekends though and I assume we will see her more as she can stay up later. It is what it is. No point feeling guilty over something you can't control.

Surely there is a better way.

Unless you are actually poor (and since you are on dcum I am guessing you are the $200K+ "struggling middle class") I tind it very hard to believe this is something you can't control.

This is a choice of you and your husband, and a selfish one at that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you manage emotionally?

I just started a job at which I routinely work 70-80 hour weeks and I see my toddler only a couple of hours 2 or 3 days a week and then one day a weekend. I am under contract for a year and am doing this to help us save for a downpayment and be able to maybe put something in a college fund for her. People here are also well connected, so maybe I can get on someone's good side and they can use their connections to help me one day. DH and I both come from generations of rural poverty and are the first to try to break out.

It makes sense for me to be here and my child will benefit. But is so hard not seeing my baby, sleeping very little, and being tired all the time. For the moms who work long hours, whether at "top" jobs or because you have two regular jobs, what helps you feel better about not seeing your kids very much? What coping mechanisms and family plans do you make to work around the job and still have quality (if low quantity) time?

My answer: co-sleep. The intimacy is nourishing for everyone. Even if you only do this on the weekends, it could make you feel better.