So, it occurred to me that I am not the marrying kind... I'm so f**ked

[Anonymous]

This after 7 years of marriage and one child. My DH is wonderful but I don't feel attracted him to save my life. Not that I really felt it in the beginning. We met, embarked on a fun, zero conflict relationship and it was great. My rational mind told me this is how it's supposed to be but I will be honest that I was already kinda bored at the 2 year mark.

He proposed out of the blue, it was unexpected and I said yes. I figured that at some point we would break off the engagement and won't actually get married. Well, as life would have it, I got pregnant and figured that I had no choice but to get married. Did I mention that DH is a great guy?

And I have rallied for all these years, we have fun together and life is good but most of the time, I look at DH as a really really good friend of mine and nothing more.

Is this it? Put up and shut up? I made my bed right?

[Anonymous]

Well, no. Divorce and rip your family apart is another option that people pursue all the time.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're going to get so flamed for this post, but I'll try to be kind.

Most of us find the grind of daily life boring. Doing the same things every day with the same person can get boring even for couples that are in love and are attracted to one another. It takes effort to keep the spark alive.

If you really think your husband is a great guy with whom you have fun and a good life, you should make an effort to revive the spark in your marriage, especially if you have a kid. Or if you never had a spark, to find one. Even trying to spice up your sex life could be enough to get you there. But what about a romantic vacation for just the two of you, or making an effort to talk to each other more at night about things other than the kid/life, or just having a glass of wine and laughing together?

If you can't do it, then you probably do need to think about divorce. If nothing else, your husband deserves to be with someone who thinks that he's great AND who is attracted to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This after 7 years of marriage and one child. My DH is wonderful but I don't feel attracted him to save my life. Not that I really felt it in the beginning. We met, embarked on a fun, zero conflict relationship and it was great. My rational mind told me this is how it's supposed to be but I will be honest that I was already kinda bored at the 2 year mark.

He proposed out of the blue, it was unexpected and I said yes. I figured that at some point we would break off the engagement and won't actually get married. Well, as life would have it, I got pregnant and figured that I had no choice but to get married. Did I mention that DH is a great guy?

And I have rallied for all these years, we have fun together and life is good but most of the time, I look at DH as a really really good friend of mine and nothing more.

Is this it? Put up and shut up? I made my bed right?

Zero conflict relationships absolutely zap relationship excitement and passion. When you are both just doing what you think a good spouse is supposed to do and hiding your real selves not to rock the boat, you both start to feel dead inside and bored as hell.

It is completely possible to get more energized by your relationship and you should definitely give that a try.

There are two methods popularized by the famous love researcher Art Aron.

The first one is doing exciting things together that get your heart racing (think shooting range or zip lining kind of thing). People actually confuse the stimulation with feelings of infatuation. It is proven to work bring a spark to relationships.

The second one is to have very intimate discussions. He was able to actually INDUCE romantic love in the lab by having people ask each other very intimate questions. You might think you know your DH's inner world, but you don't. And he doesn't now yours either. For example, does he know this is how you're feeling? Google for Art Aron and love questions, you'll find the list to see what I mean.

I am not suggesting that you can turn your relationship into a soulmate wonderland, but you can definitely bring it to life and start enjoying it and each other. There is hope for you.

[Anonymous]

OP, my advice is that you first look at your overriding tendency to go along with whatever happens instead of taking over direction of your life. You obviously got married because your husband wanted to get married and you couldn't figure out what else to do. And if you don't watch out, you will end up having an affair because it "happens" to you rather than because you made your own choices.

Deal with your passivity first. Then you can figure out whether you want to stay with your husband.

[Anonymous]

You sound more spoiled than anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound more spoiled than anything.

Gets it.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps it's that your emotion is lost in the typing, but I am a bit floored at how insensitive and feeling-less and "ehh" this seems coming from a MARRIED MOTHER of 7 years with no real conflict going on.

Frankly, you sound a bit like a petulant and bored teenager who's been to college for 5 months and is sick of your boyfriend back home. "I'm not the marrying kind?" -- are we supposed to think that's cute, in a Sarah Jessica Parker kind of way?

[Anonymous]

OP do you think you would be happier divorced or do you think you'd still feel a sense of dissatisfaction? Where ever we go, there we are. You have to figure out what's bugging you (hint, it's not your husband) so you can figure out how to fix it, and whether it can be fixed while you are married to your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps it's that your emotion is lost in the typing, but I am a bit floored at how insensitive and feeling-less and "ehh" this seems coming from a MARRIED MOTHER of 7 years with no real conflict going on.

Frankly, you sound a bit like a petulant and bored teenager who's been to college for 5 months and is sick of your boyfriend back home. "I'm not the marrying kind?" -- are we supposed to think that's cute, in a Sarah Jessica Parker kind of way?

But who ISN'T a petulant bored teenager sometimes. Geez. Give her a break. Humans are selfish and this is an anonymous board.

The reason you might have no conflict, OP, is because you are avoiding or rug sweeping everything.
I did that. For years. It totally kills intimacy. No, you don't fight, but no, you don't connect, either.
I am currently trying not to avoid the little issues any longer ... if I want or need something from DH, or don't like something DH is doing, I try to say it. It is difficult, it is definitely a change. For somebody who doesn't like conflict, it is tough. It is resulting in more conflict. But it has to be better than feeling nothing at all. I hope so anyway.

Just something to consider.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you have too much time on your hands. Get a job. Or have more kids. The stuff will stop "occurring" to you LOL

[Anonymous]

OP here, yes please flame all you want. I can take it. The PPs who say that I am rug sweeping have it exactly right. I think I went along/go along just to get along more than anything but what does one do when there are no issues to gripe about? Not that griping about issues makes a relationship interesting. I don't enjoy being immersed in unnecessary drama. My DH was a good man, and I thought and still think that I need a better reason other than "eh, not feeling it" to dump him. So like someone else mentioned, I hang in there and do what a good spouse is supposed to do but we both agree that we are not exactly kindred spirits.

We have and do try the typical "spicing up" of the marriage and while those activities are fun, they never quite ignite that chemistry.

I have convinced myself that this is as good as it gets and I wonder if I need to keep convincing myself of that for my kid's sake. And really, isn't this as good as it gets? Good parenting partners, no conflicts, no stress.

I have no problem being alone and don't have any ideas of a wandering soulmate out there just waiting for me so even if I did get divorced, it won't be in hopes of finding someone better.

But I will admit that if DH brought up divorce today, I won't fight to keep him.

[Anonymous]

Think about that spicy passionate parter you thignk you are missing.
He will use you for sex, you will get attached to him and he will toss you aside breaking your heart and makingn you feel like total utter shit.
Rev up your sex life. Make some porn, find crazy girlfriends to go out with

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, yes please flame all you want. I can take it. The PPs who say that I am rug sweeping have it exactly right. I think I went along/go along just to get along more than anything but what does one do when there are no issues to gripe about? Not that griping about issues makes a relationship interesting. I don't enjoy being immersed in unnecessary drama. My DH was a good man, and I thought and still think that I need a better reason other than "eh, not feeling it" to dump him. So like someone else mentioned, I hang in there and do what a good spouse is supposed to do but we both agree that we are not exactly kindred spirits.

We have and do try the typical "spicing up" of the marriage and while those activities are fun, they never quite ignite that chemistry.

I have convinced myself that this is as good as it gets and I wonder if I need to keep convincing myself of that for my kid's sake. And really, isn't this as good as it gets? Good parenting partners, no conflicts, no stress.

I have no problem being alone and don't have any ideas of a wandering soulmate out there just waiting for me so even if I did get divorced, it won't be in hopes of finding someone better.

But I will admit that if DH brought up divorce today, I won't fight to keep him.

DH here: how does he seem with it? If you think he is picking up on it, and it is bothering him, I think you need to lay your cards on the table for sure. Not fair to leave him flailing and struggling to rekindle something that wasn't actually there in the first place. If not, you have to decide your next move. A lot depends on your ages, to me. If you are both young enough to credibly start over, it is worth thinking about that option. If not, it's a harder call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This after 7 years of marriage and one child. My DH is wonderful but I don't feel attracted him to save my life. Not that I really felt it in the beginning. We met, embarked on a fun, zero conflict relationship and it was great. My rational mind told me this is how it's supposed to be but I will be honest that I was already kinda bored at the 2 year mark.

He proposed out of the blue, it was unexpected and I said yes. I figured that at some point we would break off the engagement and won't actually get married. Well, as life would have it, I got pregnant and figured that I had no choice but to get married. Did I mention that DH is a great guy?

And I have rallied for all these years, we have fun together and life is good but most of the time, I look at DH as a really really good friend of mine and nothing more.

Is this it? Put up and shut up? I made my bed right?

Yes. That's right. You got it.

You have a child. It's not about you anymore.