So, it occurred to me that I am not the marrying kind... I'm so f**ked

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, yes please flame all you want. I can take it. The PPs who say that I am rug sweeping have it exactly right. I think I went along/go along just to get along more than anything but what does one do when there are no issues to gripe about? Not that griping about issues makes a relationship interesting. I don't enjoy being immersed in unnecessary drama. My DH was a good man, and I thought and still think that I need a better reason other than "eh, not feeling it" to dump him. So like someone else mentioned, I hang in there and do what a good spouse is supposed to do but we both agree that we are not exactly kindred spirits.

We have and do try the typical "spicing up" of the marriage and while those activities are fun, they never quite ignite that chemistry.

I have convinced myself that this is as good as it gets and I wonder if I need to keep convincing myself of that for my kid's sake. And really, isn't this as good as it gets? Good parenting partners, no conflicts, no stress.

I have no problem being alone and don't have any ideas of a wandering soulmate out there just waiting for me so even if I did get divorced, it won't be in hopes of finding someone better.

But I will admit that if DH brought up divorce today, I won't fight to keep him.

If you have a conflict free marriage, why would being divorced and alone be better than being married? I don't get that.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, yes please flame all you want. I can take it. The PPs who say that I am rug sweeping have it exactly right. I think I went along/go along just to get along more than anything but what does one do when there are no issues to gripe about? Not that griping about issues makes a relationship interesting. I don't enjoy being immersed in unnecessary drama. My DH was a good man, and I thought and still think that I need a better reason other than "eh, not feeling it" to dump him. So like someone else mentioned, I hang in there and do what a good spouse is supposed to do but we both agree that we are not exactly kindred spirits.

We have and do try the typical "spicing up" of the marriage and while those activities are fun, they never quite ignite that chemistry.

I have convinced myself that this is as good as it gets and I wonder if I need to keep convincing myself of that for my kid's sake. And really, isn't this as good as it gets? Good parenting partners, no conflicts, no stress.

I have no problem being alone and don't have any ideas of a wandering soulmate out there just waiting for me so even if I did get divorced, it won't be in hopes of finding someone better.I'm

But I will admit that if DH brought up divorce today, I won't fight to keep him.

If you have a conflict free marriage, why would being divorced and alone be better than being married? I don't get that.

well, for one, so I can stop psyching myself up to have sex with DH each time. Approaching intimacy like a porn star would approach her job. Lights, camera, action...perform!. No personal enjoyment, you just don't it because it's your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a job?

Full time. Always have.

[Anonymous]

Open relationship? It works great for us and actually really brought the spark back between us. We both have our own lives apart from each other and we see it as having our own adventures to look forward to.

Honestly, marriage is boring. That's what makes it such a good vehicle for raising time and resource-intensive kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, yes please flame all you want. I can take it. The PPs who say that I am rug sweeping have it exactly right. I think I went along/go along just to get along more than anything but what does one do when there are no issues to gripe about? Not that griping about issues makes a relationship interesting. I don't enjoy being immersed in unnecessary drama. My DH was a good man, and I thought and still think that I need a better reason other than "eh, not feeling it" to dump him. So like someone else mentioned, I hang in there and do what a good spouse is supposed to do but we both agree that we are not exactly kindred spirits.

We have and do try the typical "spicing up" of the marriage and while those activities are fun, they never quite ignite that chemistry.

I have convinced myself that this is as good as it gets and I wonder if I need to keep convincing myself of that for my kid's sake. And really, isn't this as good as it gets? Good parenting partners, no conflicts, no stress.

I have no problem being alone and don't have any ideas of a wandering soulmate out there just waiting for me so even if I did get divorced, it won't be in hopes of finding someone better.

But I will admit that if DH brought up divorce today, I won't fight to keep him.

Frankly, you sound aimless. Literally. Identify goals and dreams, both personal and shared, and discuss with your spouse. Give yourself and your marriage a greater purpose.

IMO, the very best part of marriage is sharing, working towards, and hopefully realizing big-picture life goals. Once you define shared dreams--whether restoring an old farmhouse in Vermont or diving the greatest reefs in the world--the joy and satisfaction of working together to achieve them is overwhelming. It brings meaning, closeness and love that, for us at least, is far more important than "spark", though both are certainly necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, yes please flame all you want. I can take it. The PPs who say that I am rug sweeping have it exactly right. I think I went along/go along just to get along more than anything but what does one do when there are no issues to gripe about? Not that griping about issues makes a relationship interesting. I don't enjoy being immersed in unnecessary drama. My DH was a good man, and I thought and still think that I need a better reason other than "eh, not feeling it" to dump him. So like someone else mentioned, I hang in there and do what a good spouse is supposed to do but we both agree that we are not exactly kindred spirits.

We have and do try the typical "spicing up" of the marriage and while those activities are fun, they never quite ignite that chemistry.

I have convinced myself that this is as good as it gets and I wonder if I need to keep convincing myself of that for my kid's sake. And really, isn't this as good as it gets? Good parenting partners, no conflicts, no stress.

I have no problem being alone and don't have any ideas of a wandering soulmate out there just waiting for me so even if I did get divorced, it won't be in hopes of finding someone better.I'm

But I will admit that if DH brought up divorce today, I won't fight to keep him.

If you have a conflict free marriage, why would being divorced and alone be better than being married? I don't get that.

well, for one, so I can stop psyching myself up to have sex with DH each time. Approaching intimacy like a porn star would approach her job. Lights, camera, action...perform!. No personal enjoyment, you just don't it because it's your job.

I was divorced by age 28 and single for about 7 years before getting remarried. I had thought dating would be fun - but most of the guys totally sucked. And most of them were really awful in bed. Like awful. LIFE not just marriage is different as you age - much more boring, realizing you aren't going to be what you thought or things are what you thought they'd be like etc. Now think of that with the combined fact that women mostly end up significantly downwardly mobile after a divorce (especially if you have kids) - and you'd have to juggle custody and time with your kid and co-parent with someone you are apart from. The pool of available men as you age is much smaller & more damaged. But, who knows, it might work for you. Not to be totally depressing. But, maybe first try to find ways to perk up yourself by doing things for yourself and self-care types of things. Finding things to excite and interest you that aren't driven (or in reverse blamed) on your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Op I can somewhat relate. I've never liked anyone. I haven't married or had kids yet for fear of that stuck feeling. I date guys I hate. Ugh if only I could just like someone. Maybe I'm not meant to love.

[Anonymous]

Get a hobby and stop making your husband responsible for your happiness and excitement. Life is hard enough without having to complete your spouse and make life a carnival for them. Be responsible for your own happiness. I can guarantee that if you leave your husband, you'll be just as miserable alone or with the next guy. What's broken is something inside you-- so fix it yourself.

[Anonymous]

Even your subject line is all about you.

[Anonymous]

Why did your DH bring up divorce? I thought he is a nice guy with no conflict in the marriage? Where did it come from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, yes please flame all you want. I can take it. The PPs who say that I am rug sweeping have it exactly right. I think I went along/go along just to get along more than anything but what does one do when there are no issues to gripe about? Not that griping about issues makes a relationship interesting. I don't enjoy being immersed in unnecessary drama. My DH was a good man, and I thought and still think that I need a better reason other than "eh, not feeling it" to dump him. So like someone else mentioned, I hang in there and do what a good spouse is supposed to do but we both agree that we are not exactly kindred spirits.

We have and do try the typical "spicing up" of the marriage and while those activities are fun, they never quite ignite that chemistry.

I have convinced myself that this is as good as it gets and I wonder if I need to keep convincing myself of that for my kid's sake. And really, isn't this as good as it gets? Good parenting partners, no conflicts, no stress.

I have no problem being alone and don't have any ideas of a wandering soulmate out there just waiting for me so even if I did get divorced, it won't be in hopes of finding someone better.I'm

But I will admit that if DH brought up divorce today, I won't fight to keep him.

If you have a conflict free marriage, why would being divorced and alone be better than being married? I don't get that.

well, for one, so I can stop psyching myself up to have sex with DH each time. Approaching intimacy like a porn star would approach her job. Lights, camera, action...perform!. No personal enjoyment, you just don't it because it's your job.

Ok, see ,there's your problem. STOP! Stop performing, stop pretending. It's not all going to fall down if you start being real. You need to deal with the fear that you have that you have to pretend in order to maintain a relationship. It is ruining your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a hobby and stop making your husband responsible for your happiness and excitement. Life is hard enough without having to complete your spouse and make life a carnival for them. Be responsible for your own happiness. I can guarantee that if you leave your husband, you'll be just as miserable alone or with the next guy. What's broken is something inside you-- so fix it yourself.

+1

OP, I went to therapy for similar feelings. You can not count on someone else to fulfill your happiness.
I, too, felt kind of stuck. And while it's not a quick fix, engaging with more girlfriends (nights out, meeting for wine, etc.) and pursuing hobbies helped.

Your DH is probably content and would be shocked at the suggestion of divorce. I'm not sure you split up a marriage just because you're kind of bored. Perhaps I am wrong, but try to look within.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did your DH bring up divorce? I thought he is a nice guy with no conflict in the marriage? Where did it come from?

Sorry, misread your post. Didn't see the if.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, yes please flame all you want. I can take it. The PPs who say that I am rug sweeping have it exactly right. I think I went along/go along just to get along more than anything but what does one do when there are no issues to gripe about? Not that griping about issues makes a relationship interesting. I don't enjoy being immersed in unnecessary drama. My DH was a good man, and I thought and still think that I need a better reason other than "eh, not feeling it" to dump him. So like someone else mentioned, I hang in there and do what a good spouse is supposed to do but we both agree that we are not exactly kindred spirits.

We have and do try the typical "spicing up" of the marriage and while those activities are fun, they never quite ignite that chemistry.

I have convinced myself that this is as good as it gets and I wonder if I need to keep convincing myself of that for my kid's sake. And really, isn't this as good as it gets? Good parenting partners, no conflicts, no stress.

I have no problem being alone and don't have any ideas of a wandering soulmate out there just waiting for me so even if I did get divorced, it won't be in hopes of finding someone better.I'm

But I will admit that if DH brought up divorce today, I won't fight to keep him.

If you have a conflict free marriage, why would being divorced and alone be better than being married? I don't get that.

well, for one, so I can stop psyching myself up to have sex with DH each time. Approaching intimacy like a porn star would approach her job. Lights, camera, action...perform!. No personal enjoyment, you just don't it because it's your job.

I was divorced by age 28 and single for about 7 years before getting remarried. I had thought dating would be fun - but most of the guys totally sucked. And most of them were really awful in bed. Like awful. LIFE not just marriage is different as you age - much more boring, realizing you aren't going to be what you thought or things are what you thought they'd be like etc. Now think of that with the combined fact that women mostly end up significantly downwardly mobile after a divorce (especially if you have kids) - and you'd have to juggle custody and time with your kid and co-parent with someone you are apart from. The pool of available men as you age is much smaller & more damaged. But, who knows, it might work for you. Not to be totally depressing. But, maybe first try to find ways to perk up yourself by doing things for yourself and self-care types of things. Finding things to excite and interest you that aren't driven (or in reverse blamed) on your spouse.

I am the PP and this is another excellent point.
Most married couples are just doing the daily grind of work/kids. I was insanely jealous of the ones who seem to be having all of the fun: lots of vacations, events, activities, etc. But I have no idea how their relationships are behind closed doors. And things often get better and "more exciting" as the kids get older.