So, it occurred to me that I am not the marrying kind... I'm so f**ked

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, yes please flame all you want. I can take it. The PPs who say that I am rug sweeping have it exactly right. I think I went along/go along just to get along more than anything but what does one do when there are no issues to gripe about? Not that griping about issues makes a relationship interesting. I don't enjoy being immersed in unnecessary drama. My DH was a good man, and I thought and still think that I need a better reason other than "eh, not feeling it" to dump him. So like someone else mentioned, I hang in there and do what a good spouse is supposed to do but we both agree that we are not exactly kindred spirits.

We have and do try the typical "spicing up" of the marriage and while those activities are fun, they never quite ignite that chemistry.

I have convinced myself that this is as good as it gets and I wonder if I need to keep convincing myself of that for my kid's sake. And really, isn't this as good as it gets? Good parenting partners, no conflicts, no stress.

I have no problem being alone and don't have any ideas of a wandering soulmate out there just waiting for me so even if I did get divorced, it won't be in hopes of finding someone better.I'm

But I will admit that if DH brought up divorce today, I won't fight to keep him.

If you have a conflict free marriage, why would being divorced and alone be better than being married? I don't get that.

well, for one, so I can stop psyching myself up to have sex with DH each time. Approaching intimacy like a porn star would approach her job. Lights, camera, action...perform!. No personal enjoyment, you just don't it because it's your job.

Ok, see ,there's your problem. STOP! Stop performing, stop pretending. It's not all going to fall down if you start being real. You need to deal with the fear that you have that you have to pretend in order to maintain a relationship. It is ruining your life.

+1000

Mustering some enthusiasm when you're not totally in the mood is a healthy effort to make on behalf of your spouse.

Treating your intimacy as a performance is going to erode you as a person and eventually your husband as well. How will he feel when he learns you've been faking ALL OF IT? Hurt. Angry. Confused. Guilty.

I agree wholeheartedly with the PP; start being real.

I also agree with the PP who said you sound aimless. Time to find a new purpose in life!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Open relationship? It works great for us and actually really brought the spark back between us. We both have our own lives apart from each other and we see it as having our own adventures to look forward to.

Honestly, marriage is boring. That's what makes it such a good vehicle for raising time and resource-intensive kids.

This actually has worked for many couples! It may be just what you need, OP, to realize that you're both happy together.

[Anonymous]

What did you think marriage would be like? After thousands of years of people marrying and having children, what do you think it should be?

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine determined that she did not want to be married to her very nice husband. She felt terrible for this, but ultimately she said that she felt no urge to roll over in the morning and snuggle him or plant a kiss on his neck. Ever. Ev.Er.

She said he deserved to be loved-like-crazy.

The are amicably divorced. It was hard, of course. But they are fine. Their children are fine. He's dating again--and may have found a truly wonderful, delightful and loving woman, though he's taking it slow and is in no rush.

You are not bad. He is not bad. You can get divorced and everything could and probably will be just fine.

But try counseling first. It's good to explore everything and get some help sifting through all the feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine determined that she did not want to be married to her very nice husband. She felt terrible for this, but ultimately she said that she felt no urge to roll over in the morning and snuggle him or plant a kiss on his neck. Ever. Ev.Er.

She said he deserved to be loved-like-crazy.

The are amicably divorced. It was hard, of course. But they are fine. Their children are fine. He's dating again--and may have found a truly wonderful, delightful and loving woman, though he's taking it slow and is in no rush.

You are not bad. He is not bad. You can get divorced and everything could and probably will be just fine.

But try counseling first. It's good to explore everything and get some help sifting through all the feelings.

OP here, thank you and your friend is brave. I don't envision a marriage to be rainbows and unicorns, which is why I am confused and do often think that I just need to suck it up. DH is a nice guy, and holds no blame, I think he is content with our marriage as is, we dont fight and he gets laid. I don't want to blow up our family because I'm "bored"

I will consider counseling. I have hobbies that I enjoy and indulge in often.

[Anonymous]

You sound shockingly passive about your life, as if you have no control in anything you've done (including your coming to the conclusion that you're just "not the marrying kind"). I'd recommend exploring that distance from responsibility in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Leave a good thing because you are bored is not a good reason to divorce. When you say not the marrying type, do mean all the domestic stuff you have to do to take care of a household, husband, and kid? The alternative is to be single, dating, or have a boyfriend. I think that would be a alternative if you didn't have a kid. Since you do, I don't think you can escape the domestic stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave a good thing because you are bored is not a good reason to divorce. When you say not the marrying type, do mean all the domestic stuff you have to do to take care of a household, husband, and kid? The alternative is to be single, dating, or have a boyfriend. I think that would be a alternative if you didn't have a kid. Since you do, I don't think you can escape the domestic stuff.

it's not the domestic stuff, it's a preference to be independent and alone. Kid, I don't mind, husband or mate, I,'m indifferent to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine determined that she did not want to be married to her very nice husband. She felt terrible for this, but ultimately she said that she felt no urge to roll over in the morning and snuggle him or plant a kiss on his neck. Ever. Ev.Er.

She said he deserved to be loved-like-crazy.

The are amicably divorced. It was hard, of course. But they are fine. Their children are fine. He's dating again--and may have found a truly wonderful, delightful and loving woman, though he's taking it slow and is in no rush.

You are not bad. He is not bad. You can get divorced and everything could and probably will be just fine.

But try counseling first. It's good to explore everything and get some help sifting through all the feelings.

This situation is rare, though. Though I often feel this way, my husband would be pissed and things would not be amicable.

[Anonymous]

Your expectations of marriage are too high. Buy a vibrator and be glad your worries are most people's dreams.

[Anonymous]

You think you are hot stuff, but, as a woman with a kid, you'll be left with the dregs of the dating pool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Open relationship? It works great for us and actually really brought the spark back between us. We both have our own lives apart from each other and we see it as having our own adventures to look forward to.

Honestly, marriage is boring. That's what makes it such a good vehicle for raising time and resource-intensive kids.

Most husbands will not go for this. This is not common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, yes please flame all you want. I can take it. The PPs who say that I am rug sweeping have it exactly right. I think I went along/go along just to get along more than anything but what does one do when there are no issues to gripe about? Not that griping about issues makes a relationship interesting. I don't enjoy being immersed in unnecessary drama. My DH was a good man, and I thought and still think that I need a better reason other than "eh, not feeling it" to dump him. So like someone else mentioned, I hang in there and do what a good spouse is supposed to do but we both agree that we are not exactly kindred spirits.

We have and do try the typical "spicing up" of the marriage and while those activities are fun, they never quite ignite that chemistry.

I have convinced myself that this is as good as it gets and I wonder if I need to keep convincing myself of that for my kid's sake. And really, isn't this as good as it gets? Good parenting partners, no conflicts, no stress.

I have no problem being alone and don't have any ideas of a wandering soulmate out there just waiting for me so even if I did get divorced, it won't be in hopes of finding someone better.I'm

But I will admit that if DH brought up divorce today, I won't fight to keep him.

If you have a conflict free marriage, why would being divorced and alone be better than being married? I don't get that.

well, for one, so I can stop psyching myself up to have sex with DH each time. Approaching intimacy like a porn star would approach her job. Lights, camera, action...perform!. No personal enjoyment, you just don't it because it's your job.

PP who suggested that OP might be rug sweeping here. And this is EXACTLY how I feel and act. I have to psych myself up for sex, intimacy; steel myself for a kiss. Yes, we are in counseling! Try it. Please try it, it is helping, it is getting to the root of some of our problems. Because if you CAN have a good marriage, it is healthy for your child.

I don't think divorce has to be a bad thing; I think if DH & I divorced it would be amicable. But still painful as hell. For me, him, kids.

Stop rug sweeping the things just because it is easier to live conflict free. Be respectful about it (of course) but make your needs heard. Worth a shot.

If my DH asked for a divorce I'd grant it. Bam. Done. But he is like the majority of men ... better of with the known bitch than the unknown. Regular sex, clean underwear, 2 income household .... all good. And I'm not ready to do that yet, either (kids, can I afford to buy another house, etc.) Anyway. It is work to not rug sweep. It is much easier to avoid than confront problems. But it is only going to get worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave a good thing because you are bored is not a good reason to divorce. When you say not the marrying type, do mean all the domestic stuff you have to do to take care of a household, husband, and kid? The alternative is to be single, dating, or have a boyfriend. I think that would be a alternative if you didn't have a kid. Since you do, I don't think you can escape the domestic stuff.

it's not the domestic stuff, it's a preference to be independent and alone. Kid, I don't mind, husband or mate, I,'m indifferent to.

A lot of people are alone in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Open relationship? It works great for us and actually really brought the spark back between us. We both have our own lives apart from each other and we see it as having our own adventures to look forward to.

Honestly, marriage is boring. That's what makes it such a good vehicle for raising time and resource-intensive kids.

This actually has worked for many couples! It may be just what you need, OP, to realize that you're both happy together.

Crazy. And immoral.