Overseas ILs? Anyone's 2-3-4-y-o meet grandparents for the *first* time?

[Anonymous]

We will be in [country] in a couple of weeks for a 3-week visit with my parents-in-law. The rest of DH's siblings and their kids will be traveling there as well.

DH and I have been together literally decades, so although his parents moved back (retired to) their home country before we started dating, I have spent time with them on several occasions (including weeks at a time). Because they are older now (80s), they have not traveled to the US in some time, and the last time we saw them was just before I got pregnant, when we traveled to [country].

DC is now almost 3 years old and has only Skyped with her "second" set of grandparents on a few occasions. Maybe a dozen, total. Short version is that DH's family thinks they're close, but... not really. 3 of 4— maybe even 4 of 4— of the kids are closer to their ILs than their own parents, let's put it that way. Skyping is somewhat stressful in theory, tolerable in practice, but hard to get excited about-- I do ask DH to do it more often, but it is what it is. Mostly they ask DC and us the same questions every time and can't hear us very well. Some of that is age and Internet reception, some is honestly just how they are as people (keep things on the surface). DC finds it kind of weird and uncomfortable, although we try to be casual and upbeat with it.

They are definitely excited... in their way... about meeting DC. They are also people who made us cry on the last visit, so, in short, dysfunctional. But also tolerable most of the time, and also possessing some great qualities, just... dysfunctional. I guess DH and I feel it's our responsibility to manage them and how much their negative qualities affect us.

But now, we have a kid. And more than that, we do nearly everything as parents differently from the way his parents did/do things. In the past 20 years, DH has grown tremendously and in some ways, in opposition to the way he was raised. So it's always jarring to deal with his parents and realize how crazy their way of doing things sometimes seems now. But it's magnified with a kid.

DC is an awesome person, and very “braggable” in a lot of ways— which is important in DH’s family. But she’s also moderately slow to warm up. Not unusually so, but the next-oldest cousin— who was raised by my MIL/FIL until 4.5 years old, long adoption story— is like Ms. Cocktail Party Personality, literally hugs people she just met… she was born that way, from what I hear of her birth mom. So that's the standard from my ILs POV. On our side of things, we don't make DC hug anyone (more that "hug, handshake, or high-five?" school of thought).

That's but one example, but you get the idea. They are big into making kids "perform," and we're not. More authoritarian, whereas we are firm but work with our kid. Etc.

DH's brilliant idea (no sarcasm!) was actually that we go earlier than his siblings to give us time to work out any kinks. So we will be there a couple of days before anyone else and a week before most people.

Any other thoughts? Advice from folks who have been there? When I try to Google "toddlers meeting grandparents for the first time," I come up empty, for obvious reasons. :/

[Anonymous]

Good lord! Talk about over thinking, you take the cake!

[Anonymous]

So yes, you are overthinking this. Talk up the grandparents, talk up the country. Show your DC lots of pictures of both. She should know who the grandparents are in the pictures and what to call them.

Other than that RELAX and let it happen. Do what you can to help make your DC comfortable, but don't force it. Yes the grandparents might try to force some affection here and there, that's ok, but you also don't have to encourage it. "DC doesn't feel much like hugging right now, how about a high five for grandpa?". Then move along. There's a very good chance your kid will be uncomfortable, maybe even bratty. Oh well. That's life and everyone will survive even if it doesn't go perfectly. Make your child the top priority and let the in laws bitch as they may. It's only a visit, and clearly you don't see them much, so it doesn't have to go perfectly.

Relax, it'll be fine. And if it's not fine, that will still be fine.

[Anonymous]

My almost 2 yo hasn't met all her grandparents yet. I think you're overthinking this. Both my girls are slow to warm up, but you'll be there for 3 weeks - that should be plenty of time for a toddler and preschooler to get comfortable.

If your ILs pressure the kids to do things that are uncomfortable for them, ie - "perform" whatever that means, then handle it in the moment - "Oh, Susie's not really a performer. Let's play a game instead" and then take out something easy that everyone can do. The only issue may be if they are critical - I see you say that they like the kid to be "brag-able" but that often means comparing the kids to each other. If that kind of talk happens, maybe change the subject if you can or just hop up and rush the kid into another room for something more fun.

[Anonymous]

You are not staying in their home, I hope? Being able to get away to a place of your own -- hotel room, short-term holiday apartment (the best option) -- REALLY helps everyone decompress and avoids "too much togetherness syndrome" as we call it. Yes, OP, my in-laws are all overseas, not just the grandparents but aunts and uncles and cousin to whom husband is close. We always rent a holiday apartment for our two to three week annual visit, and while it's pricey, it both enables us to get away and lets US do some of the hosting, which takes the burden of meals, etc. off the in-laws a few times over the stay.

If you can remotely swing the idea of your own place, especially a place where you can make your own meals at times, however simple, please do it. You don't say in the post who's staying where but I can't believe your family plus siblings and families are all staying at the in-laws' place--? Three weeks under someone else's roof, even if you adore everything about them and think their parenting advice is golden, would be stressful. Three weeks under the same roof with in-laws with whom you have some issues (add in all those siblings and their own kids) would be a recipe for a blow-up at some point, with someone.

Plan some specific times that are solely for you, DH and DC. Pick out a tourist spot you three will go to for the morning. You don't have to tell everyone what you're doing, just say, "Tomorrow, we'll meet you at 11:30 for lunch and then we'll all go to grandma's...." Preserve some time apart since it's such a long stay with so many relatives there.

As for your DC, your husband's job (not yours!) is to run interference with his folks. If they seem to want her to "perform" as you mention -- and that's very possible, that they'll end up getting all these grandkids to "perform" at times -- your husband needs to be the one to let it run its course or cut it short, whichever is appropriate. He's the one to tell his folks, "DC is outgoing once she's used to her surroundings, but please don't be worried if she is not super-huggy at first. She needs time to warm up and though she knows you from Skype, that's not the same to a kid her age as meeting you in person." He might have to say it over and over but he does need to set their expectations before you go, and to be prepared to repeat this kind of thing, kindly but firmly, over the course of the stay. And if they try to compare DC to her more outgoing cousin, he's the one to smile and say, "Hey, DC is DC--every kid is different. Cousin sure is outgoing and she's such fun. DC is just quieter" or whatever. He should have some stock phrases in his head rather than improvising because he might have to do this frequently if they just don't get the message.

Remember, if things get to be too much -- if the in-laws are demanding hugs that DC doesn't want to give, or are unhappy that DC isn't playing with them or whatever -- distract and redirect everyone, including the adults. DC doesn't want to run give a hug? Hand DC something and enthusiastically say, "Oh, can you be a big helper and carry this to grandpa?" (Especially effective if DC is a kid who likes to help--many toddlers do.) Or suggest moving on to another activity: "Hey, it's nearly X o'clock -- let's go to the park before it's too dark/cold" or whatever.

Good luck, OP. It's going to be fine. Let DC be herself and let your husband set expectations. Not all kinks will be worked out in that first solo week; she's going to be thrown when other kids turn up and there are more people around later on. But if you carve out your own time, are ready to redirect, and especially if you have your own place to stay, it can work.

Our DC has been seeing the relatives annually her whole life in their country, so she did meet them before she was a toddler, but of course doesn't remember that. OP, I do hope you and DH can help your DC embrace the other country and its culture and history -- one of the very best things for our child has been her great interest in her other "half" that isn't American, and we foster that. She is now very comfortable with traveling and with the town where we stay to see the family, and looks forward to it hugely now that she's a young teenager.

[Anonymous]

I mean this kindly, OP: you just have one young kid, this situation is new to you, and so naturally you are all wrapped up in what you perceive to be a minefield. You haven't given us any proof that that, objectively (and you write way too much).

We have been in your shoes:
1.Both of our dysfunctional families live across the Atlantic.
2.We see them rarely.
3.Both have lifestyles and parenting philosophies which we have chosen NOT to apply to our children.

And it all works out:
1.My children behave politely as with strangers at first, and warm up towards the end of a two-week stay.
2. We do not force them into displays of affection they might not be comfortable with.
3. We never let them stay with family members unsupervised (except with my father, who is the only trustworthy one in the bunch). I had to pick up stray sewing needles off the floor of MIL's house when DC1 was a toddler, just to give you an example.

When people criticize, as my mother does every second of her waking life, we smile and change the subject. We don't engage in drama, we don't defend/explain our parenting, we just move on in the conversation! It's a honed tactic by now! Above all, DH and I have learned to present a united front. Crucial, otherwise my mother inserts herself in the chinks and loves to spread discord. She hates my husband.

There. Breathe. Everything will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all!

Unfortunately, our communication all has to be indirect (verbally) for both familial and cultural reasons, but I do think we have some room to get our "points" (for example, not forcing hugging) across.

Yes, I am an overthinker, but I didn't want to add to my already overlong post by giving "objective evidence" that it will be a minefield. But in short, when we visited them the last time (at their house, and there is no way out of that-- so we will be there again), I kind of had a private-- just in front of DH-- meltdown based on their "objectively" pretty terrible treatment of us (they made us both cry, as I mentioned-- including all kinds of crazy accusations and directly personal insults). And my meltdown drove DH and I apart briefly (during the trip, just a day or so, but felt awful). So I'm "overthinking" this because I am trying to prevent MY "over"reaction to their behavior-- which has been proven pretty crummy at times.

I guess I'm trying to "get ahead of it." Meaning more my reaction than what I can't control, which is their behavior. I feel like if I have some stock responses and some general sort of mantras for myself-- and as mentioned, DH and I can concentrate on not being... divided-and-conquered-- then I will feel a lot better about things and actually ENJOY what there is definitely to be enjoyed.

Lots and lots of great advice in this thread, and lots of great reassurance... which is what I guess I needed. And I thank you for it!

[Anonymous]

My deepest sympathy to everyone involved in this nightmare you are creating.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your update really clarifies things that we initially didn't get from the first post and I've been there with you. I think you need to prepare yourself for insults and choose now, before you even arrive, to not engage in their mind games. Prepare some quick exit lines you can use to excuse yourself when you see it start to go downhill. Prepare some to-dos you want to do in your ILs town and try to have at least one outing with the kids each day - ILs can be welcome to join in or not, but being out & about is a better recipe for success than staying in their home and just having each other to talk to and about.

Also, try to have a calm, goal oriented conversation with your husband ahead of time so that you're on the same page regarding what lines you collectively as a family can not have crossed and what the action plan will be if/when they do. If he simply can not be reasonable about his family, which wouldn't be surprising if he grew up in an emotionally abusive household, then accept that for what it is and let him know that you do have "do not cross" lines for yourself and the children and that you will check into a hotel if A, B, or C happens. Limit yourself to only having truly awful and traumatic things on that list - not offensive or off-putting things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My deepest sympathy to everyone involved in this nightmare you are creating.

Agree. All kinds of crazy going on.

[Anonymous]

First, I think it's a great plan to get there a little early so that DC can warm up to grandparents first, then add others into the mix.

Second, I think you and DH need to have a plan for what consequence will be for predicted problem behavior. If you predict they will be critical of DC, have a few mantras ready, and a game plan ("That's not something we ask of our child. Larla, let's head to our room for some story time!")

Plan some escapes. Know where all the places are in walking distance if you won't have a car. Have a routine where you put DC to bed and YOU stay with her in the room reading/decompressing and DH can stay and socialize with siblings for a while.

Most importantly, you need to get on the same page and agree that DH backs you without question while there. If he wants to fight about something, he can have that fight back in the states, but there can be NO chinks in the armor in front of these unstable relatives.

[Anonymous]

which country? this way-over-the-top overthinking tendency could be cultural ...

[Anonymous]

Wow, just wow. Sounds like it may be best for you not to allow your perfect child any contact with them.

Our child did not meet his grandparents till after 3. It was an instant bond and he absolutely adores them. The most important thing was the tone we set. We hugged them as soon as they were off the plane and were holding hands. He wanted in on it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think your update really clarifies things that we initially didn't get from the first post and I've been there with you. I think you need to prepare yourself for insults and choose now, before you even arrive, to not engage in their mind games. Prepare some quick exit lines you can use to excuse yourself when you see it start to go downhill. Prepare some to-dos you want to do in your ILs town and try to have at least one outing with the kids each day - ILs can be welcome to join in or not, but being out & about is a better recipe for success than staying in their home and just having each other to talk to and about.

Also, try to have a calm, goal oriented conversation with your husband ahead of time so that you're on the same page regarding what lines you collectively as a family can not have crossed and what the action plan will be if/when they do. If he simply can not be reasonable about his family, which wouldn't be surprising if he grew up in an emotionally abusive household, then accept that for what it is and let him know that you do have "do not cross" lines for yourself and the children and that you will check into a hotel if A, B, or C happens. Limit yourself to only having truly awful and traumatic things on that list - not offensive or off-putting things.

Thank you! Yes, I am not that sensitive to all the run-of-the-mill crazy/silly stuff, like, IDK, feeding DC ice cream nonstop, or insisting Santa is real (when we don't do Santa) or saying things like "girls shouldn't eat too much or they'll never find a husband." You know, that's annoying, that's something I'd never do, but I can get over that stuff. My family has their MANY flaws and quirks-- doesn't everybody's? NBD.

It's more that I'm sensitive to things like... telling their own child he is a terrible human being that they never want to see again (we obviously resolved that), when he is the kind of person that... Once I told some friends of mine that one of my cousins didn't like DH, and they literally burst out laughing and said, "Who doesn't like [DH]?" DH's younger brother attempted suicide as a teenager, and my FIL left on a business trip the next day. My PIL (specifically my MIL) are always "feuding" with someone, usually a female IL of some sort, and I'm not excited to be picked as the target (it rotates, and can last for years for no reason).

So I'm concerned that they'll tell her she's a "Bad Girl" because of some nonsense, or that they'll tell me how to parent ("Good mothers do X") while I'm right in the midst of dealing with a stressful tantrum... and those are mild examples. I'm concerned we-- or worse, DC-- will be vilified for some minor issue, possibly imaginary. Yes, I'm nervous, okay? Maybe I'm overreacting-- I hope and think I am-- but it's not out of nowhere.

But it's nice to see that some people see wordiness and understandable trigger-shyness as signs of insanity on MY part.

[Anonymous]

Basically it's easy to "misstep" for any reason and we have no control over what those reasons du jour are going to be. If they want to be offended, they will (as DH reminds me). So I'm trying to figure out how to manage that when DH and I are extra sensitive to toxicity (now that we have a kid). How to be very "Zen" and let the ridiculous stuff roll off while enjoying the time with family... which I know sounds nuts, but I do think it's possible to mostly remain calm and shield our kid by *working on our own reactions*.