Reply to Overseas ILs? Anyone's 2-3-4-y-o meet grandparents for the *first* time?

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[quote=Anonymous]You are not staying in their home, I hope? Being able to get away to a place of your own -- hotel room, short-term holiday apartment (the best option) -- REALLY helps everyone decompress and avoids "too much togetherness syndrome" as we call it. Yes, OP, my in-laws are all overseas, not just the grandparents but aunts and uncles and cousin to whom husband is close. We always rent a holiday apartment for our two to three week annual visit, and while it's pricey, it both enables us to get away and lets US do some of the hosting, which takes the burden of meals, etc. off the in-laws a few times over the stay.

If you can remotely swing the idea of your own place, especially a place where you can make your own meals at times, however simple, please do it. You don't say in the post who's staying where but I can't believe your family plus siblings and families are all staying at the in-laws' place--? Three weeks under someone else's roof, even if you adore everything about them and think their parenting advice is golden, would be stressful. Three weeks under the same roof with in-laws with whom you have some issues (add in all those siblings and their own kids) would be a recipe for a blow-up at some point, with someone.

Plan some specific times that are solely for you, DH and DC. Pick out a tourist spot you three will go to for the morning. You don't have to tell everyone what you're doing, just say, "Tomorrow, we'll meet you at 11:30 for lunch and then we'll all go to grandma's...." Preserve some time apart since it's such a long stay with so many relatives there.

As for your DC, your husband's job (not yours!) is to run interference with his folks. If they seem to want her to "perform" as you mention -- and that's very possible, that they'll end up getting all these grandkids to "perform" at times -- your husband needs to be the one to let it run its course or cut it short, whichever is appropriate. He's the one to tell his folks, "DC is outgoing once she's used to her surroundings, but please don't be worried if she is not super-huggy at first. She needs time to warm up and though she knows you from Skype, that's not the same to a kid her age as meeting you in person." He might have to say it over and over but he does need to set their expectations before you go, and to be prepared to repeat this kind of thing, kindly but firmly, over the course of the stay. And if they try to compare DC to her more outgoing cousin, he's the one to smile and say, "Hey, DC is DC--every kid is different. Cousin sure is outgoing and she's such fun. DC is just quieter" or whatever. He should have some stock phrases in his head rather than improvising because he might have to do this frequently if they just don't get the message.

Remember, if things get to be too much -- if the in-laws are demanding hugs that DC doesn't want to give, or are unhappy that DC isn't playing with them or whatever -- distract and redirect everyone, including the adults. DC doesn't want to run give a hug? Hand DC something and enthusiastically say, "Oh, can you be a big helper and carry this to grandpa?" (Especially effective if DC is a kid who likes to help--many toddlers do.) Or suggest moving on to another activity: "Hey, it's nearly X o'clock -- let's go to the park before it's too dark/cold" or whatever.

Good luck, OP. It's going to be fine. Let DC be herself and let your husband set expectations. Not all kinks will be worked out in that first solo week; she's going to be thrown when other kids turn up and there are more people around later on. But if you carve out your own time, are ready to redirect, and especially if you have your own place to stay, it can work.

Our DC has been seeing the relatives annually her whole life in their country, so she did meet them before she was a toddler, but of course doesn't remember that. OP, I do hope you and DH can help your DC embrace the other country and its culture and history -- one of the very best things for our child has been her great interest in her other "half" that isn't American, and we foster that. She is now very comfortable with traveling and with the town where we stay to see the family, and looks forward to it hugely now that she's a young teenager. 
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