Overseas ILs? Anyone's 2-3-4-y-o meet grandparents for the *first* time?

[Anonymous]

Why are you taking this trip?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I mean this kindly, OP: you just have one young kid, this situation is new to you, and so naturally you are all wrapped up in what you perceive to be a minefield. You haven't given us any proof that that, objectively (and you write way too much).

We have been in your shoes:
1.Both of our dysfunctional families live across the Atlantic.
2.We see them rarely.
3.Both have lifestyles and parenting philosophies which we have chosen NOT to apply to our children.

And it all works out:
1.My children behave politely as with strangers at first, and warm up towards the end of a two-week stay.
2. We do not force them into displays of affection they might not be comfortable with.
3. We never let them stay with family members unsupervised (except with my father, who is the only trustworthy one in the bunch). I had to pick up stray sewing needles off the floor of MIL's house when DC1 was a toddler, just to give you an example.

When people criticize, as my mother does every second of her waking life, we smile and change the subject. We don't engage in drama, we don't defend/explain our parenting, we just move on in the conversation! It's a honed tactic by now! Above all, DH and I have learned to present a united front. Crucial, otherwise my mother inserts herself in the chinks and loves to spread discord. She hates my husband.

There. Breathe. Everything will be fine.

Not OP. Curious how you got yourself in a space that you can just dismiss the criticism. Help me get there, please!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I mean this kindly, OP: you just have one young kid, this situation is new to you, and so naturally you are all wrapped up in what you perceive to be a minefield. You haven't given us any proof that that, objectively (and you write way too much).

We have been in your shoes:
1.Both of our dysfunctional families live across the Atlantic.
2.We see them rarely.
3.Both have lifestyles and parenting philosophies which we have chosen NOT to apply to our children.

And it all works out:
1.My children behave politely as with strangers at first, and warm up towards the end of a two-week stay.
2. We do not force them into displays of affection they might not be comfortable with.
3. We never let them stay with family members unsupervised (except with my father, who is the only trustworthy one in the bunch). I had to pick up stray sewing needles off the floor of MIL's house when DC1 was a toddler, just to give you an example.

When people criticize, as my mother does every second of her waking life, we smile and change the subject. We don't engage in drama, we don't defend/explain our parenting, we just move on in the conversation! It's a honed tactic by now! Above all, DH and I have learned to present a united front. Crucial, otherwise my mother inserts herself in the chinks and loves to spread discord. She hates my husband.

There. Breathe. Everything will be fine.

Not OP. Curious how you got yourself in a space that you can just dismiss the criticism. Help me get there, please!

I dismiss it and laugh it off until day 10. Then I have to get out! Since usually we visit for two weeks, the last days are "grit-your-teeth" kind of days. DH helps. Even though he's usually more of a target, he is SO zen. He told me once that he considered my mother clinically insane (he's a doctor!) and that it helped him find reserves of patience - I, too, have to get to this point. It's just that she's my mother, we love each other despite everything and therefore I have some residual expectations from her that I shouldn't have, as she has proven beyond any doubt. So.. it's still a work in progress.

I don't have these issues with my ILs, who despite their lack of babyproofing, tendency to forget DC1 has a peanut allergy, and putting whole Jalapenos in the soup for me to bite into innocently thinking they're tomato pieces.. are actually kind, generous, people. And they're not my parents, so I have zero expectations.

[Anonymous]

Thank you writing that all out, PP. Your point about expectations is an interesting one that I'll need to consider for myself.