Millennials feel 'abandoned' by parents not available to help raise grandkids: 'Too busy'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gen X here, let me get out my tiny violin..
definitely not surprised millennials are feeling sad and unsupported by their parents. I do feel bad for them, their parents did nothing to prepare them for their inevitable unsupported future. Might be time to use the internet for more than complaining that your parents aren't watching your kids, find a good therapist to help gain independence and work through that sense of entitlement. Seriously, poor babes are so lost.

+1 Never expected our parents to help and we did just fine.

Same. But I do acknowledge that other cultures take a different path than Americans and can see the value there, for all generations involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to need my parents help raising my children, but I think it's funny that they got a ton of help from their parents raising us..... We are talking vacations together. Meals several times a week. Grandparents coming to all school functions taking us to school, picking us up from school..... But my parents who are retired or working part-time struggle to even plan a holiday nowadays. Yet they want us to all come to them. Sorry Jan, I'm not planning Christmas at your house if you don't want to take the initiative.

once again, you need to look at the differences in women's lives between the two generation.

Do millennials not understand context? Hilarious. So much naval gazing.

-signed a gen xer

Well on the same token, I’m not in a position to be a caretaker for elderly parents either like used to be common. I had kids when I was a bit older and work full time. So, hopefully they saved enough and will also understand how things have changed and that we won’t be able to provide much help.

-also Gen-X

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a lot of millennials refuse to do the math. When I was small, my grandma was in her 50s. People complaining about lack of help when “my parents’ parents helped them”: how old are your parents? My guess is, substantially older than their parents were when you were born.

It’s nobody’s fault. It’s just a societal change. Complaining won’t help.

I think there a lot of truth to this- my grandma was 50 when I was born! Whereas my own mom was 63 when my first was born. The funny thing is, my mom always complained that my grandma didn’t want to babysit us so that my mom could work. But my grandma was so young (and my mom was the oldest child) that she was still raising kids herself. So it was like the opposite situation that many of ourselves are in today. I think there is a sweet spot where grandparents have “recovered” from raising their own kids but still have a lot of energy to take in a more active role.

Somewhat related, but boomers are also working longer, on average, than their parents generation. My parents and ILs were in their 60s as well when we had kids, and older than my grandparents were, but they were still working. Who wants to retire at 70 and then take on a fulltime nanny role?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a lot of millennials refuse to do the math. When I was small, my grandma was in her 50s. People complaining about lack of help when “my parents’ parents helped them”: how old are your parents? My guess is, substantially older than their parents were when you were born.

It’s nobody’s fault. It’s just a societal change. Complaining won’t help.

I think there a lot of truth to this- my grandma was 50 when I was born! Whereas my own mom was 63 when my first was born. The funny thing is, my mom always complained that my grandma didn’t want to babysit us so that my mom could work. But my grandma was so young (and my mom was the oldest child) that she was still raising kids herself. So it was like the opposite situation that many of ourselves are in today. I think there is a sweet spot where grandparents have “recovered” from raising their own kids but still have a lot of energy to take in a more active role.

My grandparents were 66 when I was born, the first grandchild. So they couldn't do a lot of active childcare (and didn't need to since my mom didn't work) but they were still up for taking us out to Wendy's for dinner once a week. My parents got to be alone and my grandparents got to know their grandkids. I look back on those dinners very fondly and I know some of my friends' parents (not mine thankfully) couldn't even be bothered to do something like that. Don't you want your grandkids to have memories of you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parental help is overrated. I relied on my mom with DC1 and got what I paid for. Now with DC2 I’ve hired women to help who don’t stress me out and genuinely make my life easier.

[phone]. You get what you pay for.

Wow, you think your mom's help was worth nothing? Pay attention future grandparents!

I don’t think it was worth nothing, but it was difficult for me. So often when my mom came over I’d be expected to help her do certain things. For example make water from the soda stream, provide a lunch for her, help her clean up etc.

Hired a FT nanny and my life became immensely easier. My nanny doesn’t complain about bills or ask me for help during the workday. She makes my life easier.

[Anonymous]

DH's grandparents were extremely helpful and involved. Loads of visits, contributing to the down payment for MIL and FIL's house, etc. MIL has visited maybe 4 times in our 10 years of marriage. FIL hasn't visited once. He never met our kids. Now he has dementia so he wasted all those years and it's too late.

[Anonymous]

The day that I realized that my parents are NOT my grandparents and they rejected their own parents outright was the day I stopped grieving what my own kids lost and started giving them the best life I could on my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parental help is overrated. I relied on my mom with DC1 and got what I paid for. Now with DC2 I’ve hired women to help who don’t stress me out and genuinely make my life easier.

[phone]. You get what you pay for.

Wow, you think your mom's help was worth nothing? Pay attention future grandparents!

I don’t think it was worth nothing, but it was difficult for me. So often when my mom came over I’d be expected to help her do certain things. For example make water from the soda stream, provide a lunch for her, help her clean up etc.

Hired a FT nanny and my life became immensely easier. My nanny doesn’t complain about bills or ask me for help during the workday. She makes my life easier.

you are right, expecting you to make water from the soda stream is soooooooo labor intensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gen X here, let me get out my tiny violin..
definitely not surprised millennials are feeling sad and unsupported by their parents. I do feel bad for them, their parents did nothing to prepare them for their inevitable unsupported future. Might be time to use the internet for more than complaining that your parents aren't watching your kids, find a good therapist to help gain independence and work through that sense of entitlement. Seriously, poor babes are so lost.

+1 Never expected our parents to help and we did just fine.

Same. But I do acknowledge that other cultures take a different path than Americans and can see the value there, for all generations involved.

I spent a year and a half caregiving for a hospice patient in her mid 90s who was from the old country Portugal. She raised all of her grandchildren along with their parents, serving as full or part time daycare provider to the various kids at various stages of their childhood. She also worked, but did sewing and tailoring work in the home for many of the years she was a caregiver for kids. She was surrounded by love in her final months and days unlike any other hospice patient I've cared for in nearly a decade of doing the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a lot of millennials refuse to do the math. When I was small, my grandma was in her 50s. People complaining about lack of help when “my parents’ parents helped them”: how old are your parents? My guess is, substantially older than their parents were when you were born.

It’s nobody’s fault. It’s just a societal change. Complaining won’t help.

DP. I feel like this is going to be an underrated post, but that you are likely correct.

Correct! My mom was actually younger when my first was born than my grandma was when I (the first) was born.

My parents are super involved with my kids. They live in Europe so they don’t help with the day to day stuff, but take my kids on weeks long vacations every year.

My mom was 57 when my first was born and 62 when my third was born. She definitely had a lot less energy to help 5 years later. There is a big difference in energy and patience levels (at least in my parents) between late 50s and early 60s.

My parents are now on their late 60s and while are still perfectly capable of taking care of 3 elementary school aged children, they get tired and would not be able to take care of a newborn/toddler for longer than a few hours anymore.

My ILs are in their 80s and never took care of any of our kids not even for 5 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a lot of millennials refuse to do the math. When I was small, my grandma was in her 50s. People complaining about lack of help when “my parents’ parents helped them”: how old are your parents? My guess is, substantially older than their parents were when you were born.

It’s nobody’s fault. It’s just a societal change. Complaining won’t help.

DP. I feel like this is going to be an underrated post, but that you are likely correct.

Yep, I'm Gen X, my sister had 2 kids when she was in her mid 20s and my mom was in her 50s and super involved, fast forward 15 years, and I had my one and only at 42. My mom is tired; she raised 5 kids and her first two grandkids. She deserves a break. I never once thought my mom was going to be my child care option. She watches my son for a night here and there so we can go out, but daily child care, would be insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a lot of millennials refuse to do the math. When I was small, my grandma was in her 50s. People complaining about lack of help when “my parents’ parents helped them”: how old are your parents? My guess is, substantially older than their parents were when you were born.

It’s nobody’s fault. It’s just a societal change. Complaining won’t help.

I think there a lot of truth to this- my grandma was 50 when I was born! Whereas my own mom was 63 when my first was born. The funny thing is, my mom always complained that my grandma didn’t want to babysit us so that my mom could work. But my grandma was so young (and my mom was the oldest child) that she was still raising kids herself. So it was like the opposite situation that many of ourselves are in today. I think there is a sweet spot where grandparents have “recovered” from raising their own kids but still have a lot of energy to take in a more active role.

My grandparents were 66 when I was born, the first grandchild. So they couldn't do a lot of active childcare (and didn't need to since my mom didn't work) but they were still up for taking us out to Wendy's for dinner once a week. My parents got to be alone and my grandparents got to know their grandkids. I look back on those dinners very fondly and I know some of my friends' parents (not mine thankfully) couldn't even be bothered to do something like that. Don't you want your grandkids to have memories of you?

This is what it comes down to for me. My parents, although busy and only recently retired, make the effort to be involved in our kids lives. My ILs can't be bothered to visit, they just want to Facetime. Guess who my kids are closer to and have more of a connection with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parental help is overrated. I relied on my mom with DC1 and got what I paid for. Now with DC2 I’ve hired women to help who don’t stress me out and genuinely make my life easier.

[phone]. You get what you pay for.

Wow, you think your mom's help was worth nothing? Pay attention future grandparents!

I don’t think it was worth nothing, but it was difficult for me. So often when my mom came over I’d be expected to help her do certain things. For example make water from the soda stream, provide a lunch for her, help her clean up etc.

Hired a FT nanny and my life became immensely easier. My nanny doesn’t complain about bills or ask me for help during the workday. She makes my life easier.

That's the difference between family help and hired help. I mean the sheer nerve of your unpaid mother to talk to you about her life (bills) and ask for help with the soda stream. What an arse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parental help is overrated. I relied on my mom with DC1 and got what I paid for. Now with DC2 I’ve hired women to help who don’t stress me out and genuinely make my life easier.

[phone]. You get what you pay for.

Wow, you think your mom's help was worth nothing? Pay attention future grandparents!

I don’t think it was worth nothing, but it was difficult for me. So often when my mom came over I’d be expected to help her do certain things. For example make water from the soda stream, provide a lunch for her, help her clean up etc.

Hired a FT nanny and my life became immensely easier. My nanny doesn’t complain about bills or ask me for help during the workday. She makes my life easier.

That's the difference between family help and hired help. I mean the sheer nerve of your unpaid mother to talk to you about her life (bills) and ask for help with the soda stream. What an arse.

How am I an arse? I realized this and it’s why I hired a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do get a bit annoyed at my boomer parents, who are always on vacation, while I have small children at home, a demanding career, and cannot get enough sleep.

That’s weird. Why would you be annoyed by that? They’re your kids.

They live a life of leisure while I work nonstop. It gets annoying when they want to see the grandkids but cannot watch them for 15 minutes so I can get work done.

I really think this is unrelated to the generation and is more related to that is just how your parents are.

Wait, but didn't your parents work too before they retired? So they get to enjoy life now?

I have a busy job + kids as well, so totally in your boat, but I don't see how I'm entitled to be annoyed at my parents for having a nice life.