Should I force DD to sit with us at dinner?

[Anonymous]

DD is 6 and has almost never eaten meat. She didn't like the texture when she was little, and her best friend in preschool was vegetarian so I think it reinforced for her the idea that she didn't have to eat it. We have never forced her to eat meat but always offer it.

One night, we had ribs. In horor, she asked "what animal is that?" I told her it was a pig. She got kind of upset (her favorite stuffed animal is a pig) and went and finished her dinner at the kitchen table. She then started refusing to sit with the rest of the family at dinner when we eat meat. I wanted to force her to eat with us, but DH said not to make a big deal of it and that it was just a phase, so I agreed and we allowed her to eat in the kitchen.

Well, it has been months and she still often, though not always, eats by herself at the kitchen table when we serve meat for dinner. She only gets upset about it when I try to force her to eat dinner with us. I have talked to her about it and told her I think it is important to eat together and we want to spend time with her together as a family during dinner. She insists it is about the meat, although usually she eats with us when the meat is not obviously meat (like in spaghetti sauce or something.) She seems fine when eating by herself but I feel like it is setting up a weird dynamic. We have another child (younger) who happily eats anything.

Force her to eat with us or leave it alone?

[Anonymous]

I would allow her to not eat meat and not be offered meat by people living in her house, but she has to sit at the table. Unless she's actually puking at the sight of meat, she has to join the family.

[Anonymous]

I would make her sit with you for dinner-that is a huge part of family life to miss out on. I have a number of friends who are very strict ethical vegans, and no one has ever refused to eat with me because I was eating meat. Your daughter does need to be able to function in a world that isn't vegetarian-although I'd try to avoid doing a pig roast at your house.

I thought the prologue to this This American Life episode was interesting, re: vegetarian kids. Personally, I think the family was wrong to guilt their other child into not eating meat because it upset their veg kid, but it is hard if you have a child who is a strong ethical vegetarian
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/516/stuck-in-the-middle

[Anonymous]

I am curious about what length PPs are willing to go to "make" their child sit at the table…we deal with this with our child with other behaviors and she does not like being physically held or restrained and now is too big to be carried around places or taken to her room physically. She is strong. I don't like to engage physically so what do you all mean by "make" your child sit at the dinner table. I can't do this. Threats? Taking away privileges? None of this seems to work. Sorry to get off topic but I was struck by how easy some PPs make it out to be...

[Anonymous]

It sounds a little OCDish. She can sit in the same room but not the same table.

She needs to sit with you and be polite just like my son who hates the sight and smell of broccoli and he can't say yuk.

It's about being polite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am curious about what length PPs are willing to go to "make" their child sit at the table…we deal with this with our child with other behaviors and she does not like being physically held or restrained and now is too big to be carried around places or taken to her room physically. She is strong. I don't like to engage physically so what do you all mean by "make" your child sit at the dinner table. I can't do this. Threats? Taking away privileges? None of this seems to work. Sorry to get off topic but I was struck by how easy some PPs make it out to be...

not physically. Consequences for not doing so. Rewards for doing so. Take your pick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am curious about what length PPs are willing to go to "make" their child sit at the table…we deal with this with our child with other behaviors and she does not like being physically held or restrained and now is too big to be carried around places or taken to her room physically. She is strong. I don't like to engage physically so what do you all mean by "make" your child sit at the dinner table. I can't do this. Threats? Taking away privileges? None of this seems to work. Sorry to get off topic but I was struck by how easy some PPs make it out to be...

First both parents decide they agree that it's important for the child to sit at the table, and they find a week when they will both be home for dinner. They tell the child that she will be expected to join the family and eat at the table, this isn't a punishment, but they want her to be part of the family. They put her plate on the table and tell her she may only eat at the table, and she cannot have any other food until she eats her dinner. She screams, runs away, cries. They insist. She cries. It's a horrible evening. They doubt themselves, because now she's hangry. They go through this every night for the next few nights and it SUCKS. By the end of the week she's sitting at the dinner table with only minimal complaint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am curious about what length PPs are willing to go to "make" their child sit at the table…we deal with this with our child with other behaviors and she does not like being physically held or restrained and now is too big to be carried around places or taken to her room physically. She is strong. I don't like to engage physically so what do you all mean by "make" your child sit at the dinner table. I can't do this. Threats? Taking away privileges? None of this seems to work. Sorry to get off topic but I was struck by how easy some PPs make it out to be...

I tell my kids. If they don't do what I said, I make sure they understand it was not an offer, but a command. I don't understand people who can't make their kids do things without physically manhandling them. By the time my kids are two they are given, "Either you can get in the chair, or I will put you in the chair. Which do you want?" If they say neither, they are sent to their bedroom and told they can come out when they're ready to get in the chair. By the age of three they are given "Either you can get in the chair, or go to your room alone; which do you want?"

If my kids want to go to their room to have a temper tantrum they can go do that alone without disturbing the rest of the family. The kids do not get to stop the flow of the whole household.

[Anonymous]

Look at it from a functional perspective. She is going to have to sit with other people at tables where meat is served for the rest of her life -- in school, at group events, everywhere. She needs to get used to it. She needs to sit at the table. Sounds like you are o.k. with the vegetarian part, so she just won't eat the meat. But, it's not practical for her to indulge her imagination by going to another room. If you respect her vegetarian plans, then she must respect your eating plans.

If she is so freaked out that she throws up -- then yes... you need to work with a behavioral therapist. That is an unreasonable phobia and it needs to be worked on. Again, functioning in life as we know it is the key.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I think you make her sit with the family.

It's fine if she doesn't want to eat meat, but it's not OK to be rude, and refusing to eat with the family is absolutely rude.

I have a six year old, so (acknowledging it's always easier in the theoretical!!!), here's what I'd do if this were my son:
Ever since our kids started eating, we don't make separate meals for separate people. They can eat or not eat, but they aren't getting anything different. That said, if there's something I know a particular person hates, they don't have to eat that particular part o the meal, but I'm not making a separate meal.
So when you're having something especially meaty (like ribs), I'd make sure to have a hearty side dish that your daughter will really likes, but I certainly wouldn't be making her a separate meal.
All food is served at the family dinner table. Period. She may not eat in the kitchen or separately from anyone else. If she wants to eat dinner, she'll eat it at the dinner table with the family.
The whole family sits together at the dinner table. This is going to be the tricky part, obviously. At six, you can't strap her into a high chair. Whatever form of discipline you use for anything else she has to do (homework, chores, etc) you use here. For our son, I'd probably send him to his room if he didn't come to the table, and tell him he was welcome to come join us again when he's ready to be polite and participate in the family.

[Anonymous]

What does she do at school lunchtime, I imagine their are kids around her eating meat.

[Anonymous]

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/on-parenting/so-heres-the-deal-how-to-respond-to-a-7-year-old-negotiator/2015/09/15/03a8894c-57ef-11e5-b8c9-944725fcd3b9_story.html
This column by Meghan Leahy is about kids who resist what their parents want but continually trying to negotiate it away - which is not what your kid is doing, OP, but it may be helpful anyway to take a look at this.

[Anonymous]

Not only should she be forced to sit with the family she should be forced to eat the meat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious about what length PPs are willing to go to "make" their child sit at the table…we deal with this with our child with other behaviors and she does not like being physically held or restrained and now is too big to be carried around places or taken to her room physically. She is strong. I don't like to engage physically so what do you all mean by "make" your child sit at the dinner table. I can't do this. Threats? Taking away privileges? None of this seems to work. Sorry to get off topic but I was struck by how easy some PPs make it out to be...

First both parents decide they agree that it's important for the child to sit at the table, and they find a week when they will both be home for dinner. They tell the child that she will be expected to join the family and eat at the table, this isn't a punishment, but they want her to be part of the family. They put her plate on the table and tell her she may only eat at the table, and she cannot have any other food until she eats her dinner. She screams, runs away, cries. They insist. She cries. It's a horrible evening. They doubt themselves, because now she's hangry. They go through this every night for the next few nights and it SUCKS. By the end of the week she's sitting at the dinner table with only minimal complaint.

Yep. This is the way it's down. FWIW, I've got 2 kids with SNs and we've done versions of this for lots of things....'now is the time for X. If you do not do X now, you will not be able to do X until.....' Remove emotion from it and do not negotiate. We also do not tell them what they 'will' feel but what 'may' feel (you may get hungry, you may get tired, you may get cold, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not only should she be forced to sit with the family she should be forced to eat the meat.

wow. No way. I think she should still sit at the table, though.