Should I force DD to sit with us at dinner?

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one that thinks the DD is on a self righteous power trip and winning the power struggle with the family? So, she sits alone at the lunch table on sloppy joe day? Moves tables when her bestie is eating ham and Swiss? Will she not go to a birthday party with all her friends if they are having pepperoni pizza? I doubt it.

She doesn't have to eat meat, but she needs to sit at the table. And she needs to know that she can't control her parents like that. If she wants to convert you guys to vegetarianism, she can look up some info online and offer it to you. But not at mealtime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eat with the family, yes. Just as you respect and honor her desire to not eat meat, she needs to respect your choice to eat meat and also respect the family dinner.

However, I also am impressed by her conviction at such a young age and would "reward" her for participating fully in family dinner by allowing her to help choose and plan some meatless meals for the whole family.

This seems to be the consensus, and I wonder why people feel this way. If you think of something you find morally objectionable, do you also feel that you need to respect (and, perhaps, participate in) the other side? I'm trying to think of something that is equivalent to vegetarianism and I'm having trouble finding an analogy. An imperfect analogy would be if I were somewhere where it was culturally permissible to eat dogs. Would I really have to sit there and watch people do it? Or wouldn't it be fine to feel so disgusted by that that I would rather eat alone.

Because when we have different beliefs or mores, we don't resolve our differences by sitting in separate rooms. One of the most important tools we give our children is the ability to hold on to their own values and give others the space to hold different ones. As someone pointed out, the child cannot sit in a separate lunchroom at school. It's not feasible for her to isolate herself completely from meat eaters, so she needs to learn to cope with that reality.

I guess we will agree to disagree. They aren't trying to resolve differences or get anyone to agree with anyone else. Poor girl is horrified that they are eating a pig, which represents her lovey. Seems cruel to make her watch that kind of thing. I'm not a vegetarian, but I know people who think that pigs are as cute and smart as dogs and are horrified at them being eaten. It's not my point of view, but I just wouldn't sit and make them watch me just because I am in a position of power over them.

You are being overly dramatic. The family is not forcing the girl to eat the pork or "forcing" her to watch. Yes, ribs was a terrible choice for a girl who loves pigs, but the family can serve small amounts of a different kind of meat that will be less upsetting. The meat can be brought to the table on the plates so there isn't a large platter of it in front of her. The OP seems very willing to try to minimize trauma for her child.

You didn't address the issue of how the child is expected to function at school when she is "forced" to watch people eat burgers and bacon day after day. How does hiding in a different room at home help her to cope with a meat-eating society?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one that thinks the DD is on a self righteous power trip and winning the power struggle with the family? So, she sits alone at the lunch table on sloppy joe day? Moves tables when her bestie is eating ham and Swiss? Will she not go to a birthday party with all her friends if they are having pepperoni pizza? I doubt it.

She doesn't have to eat meat, but she needs to sit at the table. And she needs to know that she can't control her parents like that. If she wants to convert you guys to vegetarianism, she can look up some info online and offer it to you. But not at mealtime.

I'm sure you aren't the only one, but I disagree with you. From the sounds of it, this is not a new stance for OPs DD. She has never liked meat, and her conviction against eating me is getting stronger as she gets older. You bring up good points about how she will have to learn to navigate in a culture that eats a lot of meat, but I don't think that is reason enough to disregard her convictions. I would see it as my job as a parent to guide her in learning to handle such situations, but I think for now, home should be a safe place. I'd let her eat alone while we are eating meat, but serve vegetarian meals as well so that she can join us. We'd be having conversations so that I can understand how she's feeling about the issue, and I'd try to help her figure out how she will handle things like eating in the cafeteria, or how to be polite when you can't eat something that is being served in a group.

[Anonymous]

I would engage her in the problem and see what solutions she comes up with. First you have to define the problem clearly to her and yourselves. Her family misses her and thinks it's important that everyone be together at dinnertime because [reasons]. Given that, how can that goal be reached without violating her principles? Her action preserves her feelings but harms the family. Maybe it means you agree to become a no-pork family for a while, or only eat meat that is ground. Maybe it means she helps more with food prep since what you eat is important to her. the point is she and you work together to reach a solution that addresses the problem and that she can live with.

She is a member of the family and a person whose independence you presumably want to encourage, so imposing a solution is not the answer.

[Anonymous]

Our oldest is the same way - has never liked meat and now doesn't want to eat meat. We allow it, and we talk to him about the importance of eating other sources of protein and iron. He is a good eater, not picky.

He still sits with us at dinner even when we are eating meat.

[Anonymous]

Please keep in mind that some vegetarians (including myself) are nauseated by the sight and smell of meat. Sometimes, I get extremely nauseous to the point where I cannot eat if I have to look at meat or smell it while eating. Your DD is only 6 and may not know how to politely verbalize this. My parents were mostly understanding of my situation and would let me eat in a different room, as they have intense food sensory issues as well, particularly when it comes to coffee (my mom) and seafood (my dad). However, if it is in a formal situation, I suck it up as best as I could. Your DD is still young and has time to learn this.

[Anonymous]

I was a vegetarian on and off in my teens and now am vegetarian as an adult.

Sometimes being around people eating meat can be nauseating. I have never been comfortable eating at a table when someone is eating ribs or wings - anything with bone in meat. Especially if I can see the bone or see them gnawing at it.
Other times it can be the scent. There was a burger restaurant we would visit and although I was there for the veggie burger, I couldn't get over the smell of meat in the place.
And the sights or smells of raw meat are really disgusting to me. Even though the food on the table is cooked, the preparation of it beforehand could make me nauseous enough that I don't want to be near it.
Of course, this isn't every food and every meal. I can go to someone's home or visit a restaurant and not be bothered by it. But having to live with it everyday, I wouldn't be able to handle it in my own home.

I think it can be hard for people to understand, especially if you don't eat meat. And there are vegetarians that are never bothered by the sights or smells of meat but obviously, that is not the case for your daughter.

I think it is wonderful that you are supportive of her choice to not eat meat. I wouldn't want her to be resentful so I would be hesitant to force her to sit there in this situation.

I would consider having more vegetarian meals that she can feel comfortable joining in on rather than forcing her to sit at the table and be uncomfortable or physically nauseous at the sights/smell. It allows everyone to sit at the table comfortably and it shows her that you support her. It's not uncomfortable for the rest of the family to have mostly vegetarian dinners, right?

[Anonymous]

She doesn't have to hear meat but she sits at table with family. No exceptions. I would never have let it go this long.

[Anonymous]

There are certain foods I have to put a cereal box between my son and I so he cannot see the food. maybe that would get her to the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not only should she be forced to sit with the family she should be forced to eat the meat.

wow. No way. I think she should still sit at the table, though.

I don't deal with picky eaters. You eat everything on your plate or you don't leave the table. It's not a full plate but a little of everything. None of this I don't like it crap, if I know you don't like it we have it more often hehe

This isn't about being a picky eater. OPs daughter has a moral objection to the meat. Are you trying to raise blind followers, or decent adults with a solid moral compass? I am 100% supportive of my child developing their moral standards. I would expect her to eat at the table with the family, but I would not ask her to go against her convictions if I believed they were serious convictions.

Op's dd is a child. Children don't make their own choices, they don't have moral convictions. They follow their parents blindly , or at least they should.

NP. Wow, that's the opposite of what I hope to teach my child. I would never want any of them go follow me blondly, and I'm quite proud when I see them making their own decisions and developing their own moral convictions for their own reasons. There's no magic switch at age 18, do I say begin as you want to continue and strong people who can think for themselves are created through practice and opportunities, not through making them someone else's puppet for 18 years.

[Anonymous]

^ TO follow blindly. Sorry, phone typo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I disagree with others. I am not a vegetarian but I applaud what appears to be a strong sense of conviction in your daughter already! I would accommodate this and try to have more vegetarian nights so she can sit with you.

Not picking on you in particular PP, but let's extend this to other situations and what you would do:

Eating at a restaurant. Does the child get to dictate the family only eats at vegetarian places? What if the family meets another family for dinner? No shared vacation homes unless the other family agrees to not eat meat?
Holidays with relatives? Child gets to stay home when they are older? Eat in a bedroom?
Child is invited to eat at a friend or neighbors house?
And what on earth does this child do at the school cafeteria? Park picnics? The beach?

I really think the lesson here is tolerance, ie, you don't make her eat meat and she has to function in a world where overwhelminly there is meat.
I do think there is a potential for a huge slippery slope if you let this continue

[Anonymous]

Op,

I think you should ask your daughter to sit at the table,but on the first night you should have a vegetarian meal. I think she got very nauseous from the ribs, and now associates sitting with you and feeling like that. So you need to get her away from that connection. So do a vegetarian meal. And next a less meat heavy meal. Maybe...stir fry? Or something not overly smelly and see how she does. Then maybe you can come up with a compromise that she sits at the table most nights but gets to sit somewhere else for things like ribs.

Sure, she needs to learn how to be near meat. But some people have strong reactions to food ( my kid dry heaves around melted cheese - the school cafeteria is a freaking land mine)

[Anonymous]

Oh hell no. Kid sits at table. No excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one that thinks the DD is on a self righteous power trip and winning the power struggle with the family? So, she sits alone at the lunch table on sloppy joe day? Moves tables when her bestie is eating ham and Swiss? Will she not go to a birthday party with all her friends if they are having pepperoni pizza? I doubt it.

She doesn't have to eat meat, but she needs to sit at the table. And she needs to know that she can't control her parents like that. If she wants to convert you guys to vegetarianism, she can look up some info online and offer it to you. But not at mealtime.

No, no you are not