Should I force DD to sit with us at dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious about what length PPs are willing to go to "make" their child sit at the table…we deal with this with our child with other behaviors and she does not like being physically held or restrained and now is too big to be carried around places or taken to her room physically. She is strong. I don't like to engage physically so what do you all mean by "make" your child sit at the dinner table. I can't do this. Threats? Taking away privileges? None of this seems to work. Sorry to get off topic but I was struck by how easy some PPs make it out to be...

I tell my kids. If they don't do what I said, I make sure they understand it was not an offer, but a command. I don't understand people who can't make their kids do things without physically manhandling them. By the time my kids are two they are given, "Either you can get in the chair, or I will put you in the chair. Which do you want?" If they say neither, they are sent to their bedroom and told they can come out when they're ready to get in the chair. By the age of three they are given "Either you can get in the chair, or go to your room alone; which do you want?"

If my kids want to go to their room to have a temper tantrum they can go do that alone without disturbing the rest of the family. The kids do not get to stop the flow of the whole household.

But you totally failed at "making your kids do things" if they chose to go to their room instead of sit in the chair.

[Anonymous]

I have a very picky eater (same age-6) who gets really grossed out by other people's food. He sits at the same table with us but we put cereal boxes around him so he doesn't have to see the "gross food" while he is trying to eat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not only should she be forced to sit with the family she should be forced to eat the meat.

wow. No way. I think she should still sit at the table, though.

I don't deal with picky eaters. You eat everything on your plate or you don't leave the table. It's not a full plate but a little of everything. None of this I don't like it crap, if I know you don't like it we have it more often hehe

Interesting. My mother had the same philosophy. Five siblings and we all have food issues. Four are obese and one struggled with anorexia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious about what length PPs are willing to go to "make" their child sit at the table…we deal with this with our child with other behaviors and she does not like being physically held or restrained and now is too big to be carried around places or taken to her room physically. She is strong. I don't like to engage physically so what do you all mean by "make" your child sit at the dinner table. I can't do this. Threats? Taking away privileges? None of this seems to work. Sorry to get off topic but I was struck by how easy some PPs make it out to be...

I tell my kids. If they don't do what I said, I make sure they understand it was not an offer, but a command. I don't understand people who can't make their kids do things without physically manhandling them. By the time my kids are two they are given, "Either you can get in the chair, or I will put you in the chair. Which do you want?" If they say neither, they are sent to their bedroom and told they can come out when they're ready to get in the chair. By the age of three they are given "Either you can get in the chair, or go to your room alone; which do you want?"

If my kids want to go to their room to have a temper tantrum they can go do that alone without disturbing the rest of the family. The kids do not get to stop the flow of the whole household.

So, your kid chooses to go to their room (and presumably, misses dinner). Then what? Stays there all night? Then what? Can they come out of their room in the morning? What happens next? I'm intrigued by this power play you have set up.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for all of your interesting perspectives. Full disclosure--as some of you suggested, there is a bit of a picky eating element to this as well as a power struggle, which is why originally we chose not to engage.

After reading all of your responses, I spoke with DD before dinner and explained why I thought it was important for us to eat together as a family and asked her if she could think of a solution. Right away, she suggested that we all eat what we like but that the serving dishes not remain on the table. I told her I thought that was a good idea and we all sat down to dinner together.

She seemed kind of grossed out by the meat on the rest of our plates and gave it some dirty looks, but I reminded her that this was her idea and to not worry about what was on others' plates. She started eating her own food and seemed to forget about it. We had a very nice dinner.

Again, I really appreciate those of you who weighed in, especially the vegetarians. DD often mentions the smell so I know that is part of the issue.

Also, as a footnote, my sister was a picky eater growing up and watching her being forced to eat things she hated resulted in a lot of tears and made for many unpleasant dinners. She remains a very picky eater to this day, so I am hesitant to force kids to eat things as it seems to me to be ineffective.

[Anonymous]

OP can you enact some vegetarian nights for everyone? Maybe every other night is meat free?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all of your interesting perspectives. Full disclosure--as some of you suggested, there is a bit of a picky eating element to this as well as a power struggle, which is why originally we chose not to engage.

After reading all of your responses, I spoke with DD before dinner and explained why I thought it was important for us to eat together as a family and asked her if she could think of a solution. Right away, she suggested that we all eat what we like but that the serving dishes not remain on the table. I told her I thought that was a good idea and we all sat down to dinner together.

She seemed kind of grossed out by the meat on the rest of our plates and gave it some dirty looks, but I reminded her that this was her idea and to not worry about what was on others' plates. She started eating her own food and seemed to forget about it. We had a very nice dinner.

Again, I really appreciate those of you who weighed in, especially the vegetarians. DD often mentions the smell so I know that is part of the issue.

Also, as a footnote, my sister was a picky eater growing up and watching her being forced to eat things she hated resulted in a lot of tears and made for many unpleasant dinners. She remains a very picky eater to this day, so I am hesitant to force kids to eat things as it seems to me to be ineffective.

OP, sounds like you are handling this well. As a sidenote, I wonder if there is some other avenue into which your DD could channel her anti-meat feelings... maybe she could support a group that rescues farm animals? (I am making this up and don't even know if a group like this exists, but you get the gist) Basically, I wonder if there's a way by which she could feel she's expressing her preferences in a way that's positive and even furthers some bigger goal... then maybe the dinner issue will become less of the place to take a stand.

I also agree with more meatless dinners for everyone which is healthier all around! (I am not a vegetarian)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all of your interesting perspectives. Full disclosure--as some of you suggested, there is a bit of a picky eating element to this as well as a power struggle, which is why originally we chose not to engage.

After reading all of your responses, I spoke with DD before dinner and explained why I thought it was important for us to eat together as a family and asked her if she could think of a solution. Right away, she suggested that we all eat what we like but that the serving dishes not remain on the table. I told her I thought that was a good idea and we all sat down to dinner together.

She seemed kind of grossed out by the meat on the rest of our plates and gave it some dirty looks, but I reminded her that this was her idea and to not worry about what was on others' plates. She started eating her own food and seemed to forget about it. We had a very nice dinner.

Again, I really appreciate those of you who weighed in, especially the vegetarians. DD often mentions the smell so I know that is part of the issue.

Also, as a footnote, my sister was a picky eater growing up and watching her being forced to eat things she hated resulted in a lot of tears and made for many unpleasant dinners. She remains a very picky eater to this day, so I am hesitant to force kids to eat things as it seems to me to be ineffective.

This is a great way to handle it! I think you could also just pretend the gross looks didn't happen and she would eventually stop making them.

I would not force kids to eat either. I give my formerly picky kid choices. As in, I cook, he chooses whether or not to eat what is served. It has worked well, and I always make sure to serve something that he is familiar with (whether it's the veggie or main dish) and that seems to make trying something new less scary for some reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all of your interesting perspectives. Full disclosure--as some of you suggested, there is a bit of a picky eating element to this as well as a power struggle, which is why originally we chose not to engage.

After reading all of your responses, I spoke with DD before dinner and explained why I thought it was important for us to eat together as a family and asked her if she could think of a solution. Right away, she suggested that we all eat what we like but that the serving dishes not remain on the table. I told her I thought that was a good idea and we all sat down to dinner together.

She seemed kind of grossed out by the meat on the rest of our plates and gave it some dirty looks, but I reminded her that this was her idea and to not worry about what was on others' plates. She started eating her own food and seemed to forget about it. We had a very nice dinner.

Again, I really appreciate those of you who weighed in, especially the vegetarians. DD often mentions the smell so I know that is part of the issue.

Also, as a footnote, my sister was a picky eater growing up and watching her being forced to eat things she hated resulted in a lot of tears and made for many unpleasant dinners. She remains a very picky eater to this day, so I am hesitant to force kids to eat things as it seems to me to be ineffective.

This is a great way to handle it! I think you could also just pretend the gross looks didn't happen and she would eventually stop making them.

I would not force kids to eat either. I give my formerly picky kid choices. As in, I cook, he chooses whether or not to eat what is served. It has worked well, and I always make sure to serve something that he is familiar with (whether it's the veggie or main dish) and that seems to make trying something new less scary for some reason.

Yay, OP. Way to go on engaging your DD!!! I am pretty appalled at the posters on who who feel the need to be in control of their children. Yes their are basic rules that kids must follow, the the vernacular used on this thread goes beyond that.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I'm surprised by the unanimity. I feel the exact opposite. Since she sits with you whenever meat isn't obvious, it seems clear to me that she finds it distressing to watch you consume an animal. I'd continue letting her eat by herself (natural consequence of not wanting to watch you eat an animal) and would probably cut down on serving meat to 1-2 nights a week to keep the family together at dinnertime.

She does need to ensure she's replacing the protein with healthy alternatives. So you could coach her through that. Who knows, the non-meat dinners may help everyone's diet.

[Anonymous]

Just saw your update. Great solution!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not only should she be forced to sit with the family she should be forced to eat the meat.

wow. No way. I think she should still sit at the table, though.

I don't deal with picky eaters. You eat everything on your plate or you don't leave the table. It's not a full plate but a little of everything. None of this I don't like it crap, if I know you don't like it we have it more often hehe

This isn't about being a picky eater. OPs daughter has a moral objection to the meat. Are you trying to raise blind followers, or decent adults with a solid moral compass? I am 100% supportive of my child developing their moral standards. I would expect her to eat at the table with the family, but I would not ask her to go against her convictions if I believed they were serious convictions.

Op's dd is a child. Children don't make their own choices, they don't have moral convictions. They follow their parents blindly , or at least they should.

Yeah, no. And even if you think they are due to surface compliance that you bully out of them, you have a big surprise coming your way later in life.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm glad you and DD came to a resolution. I just found this post and wanted to share my own story. I was born into a vegetarian family and have been vegetarian all my life. I'm 40 years old, so this is a long-term commitment! I am able to eat dinner with meat-eaters and vegetarians, however I have to say that meat, especially when it's on the bone, makes me sad and often, disgusted. I think of the animal - what kind of animal was it? Was its family with it on the farm? Was its mother alive to see it be slaughtered? Did it die right away? Etc. I think of eating another creature's blood and it turns my stomach. I am much better and happier when the meat is "hidden," but it's not my choice what others eat. I just wanted to share that perspective since it sounds like your DD is walking down that same path. For my sister, who is also vegetarian, it never has really bothered her to watch another person eat meat. So, I know it has something to do with me and my emotional IQ.

I married a Spaniard, and when we go to Spain and see the jamon (pigs legs, often still with little hairs intact above the hoof) hanging in the store windows, my heart aches and my stomach is not interested in eating anything. This is the curse of being highly attuned to where meat "comes" from. My children are vegetarian, we keep a vegetarian house and my husband is almost entirely vegetarian. I made it very clear to him that this was one of my few non-negotiables when we talked about getting married.

So, for all those folks who ask "how will DD function in the world?," she will be fine. But please understand sometimes we can't help our minds wonder about the animal our family is consuming. I am so impressed with her for being sharply attuned to issues most children cannot even comprehend at her young age. Best wishes, and hope this might allow your family to discover some delicious meatless meals so she can feel completely included in family meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all of your interesting perspectives. Full disclosure--as some of you suggested, there is a bit of a picky eating element to this as well as a power struggle, which is why originally we chose not to engage.

After reading all of your responses, I spoke with DD before dinner and explained why I thought it was important for us to eat together as a family and asked her if she could think of a solution. Right away, she suggested that we all eat what we like but that the serving dishes not remain on the table. I told her I thought that was a good idea and we all sat down to dinner together.

She seemed kind of grossed out by the meat on the rest of our plates and gave it some dirty looks, but I reminded her that this was her idea and to not worry about what was on others' plates. She started eating her own food and seemed to forget about it. We had a very nice dinner.

Again, I really appreciate those of you who weighed in, especially the vegetarians. DD often mentions the smell so I know that is part of the issue.

Also, as a footnote, my sister was a picky eater growing up and watching her being forced to eat things she hated resulted in a lot of tears and made for many unpleasant dinners. She remains a very picky eater to this day, so I am hesitant to force kids to eat things as it seems to me to be ineffective.

OP. I think you handled this very well. While you cannot eliminate the smell, I have found that for some food, it works better to let it cool just a bit before serving (less smelly). Not sure it works for meat, but I can now eat eggs at the table with my son

[Anonymous]

OP - How will your DD handle meat in the workplace, job interviews in restaurants, weddings, etc.?