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Serious question for strenuous anti CIO advocates
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Anonymous
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Ok so I have a four week old. No intention of trying to have her CIO at night right now at all, in fact the opposite I'm trying to reasons to her every cry but I guess I've come to wonder about day to day life.
So babies don't have object permanence so need you to reasons otherwise baby is negatively effected but I feel like there are times it's happening that I can't avoid. It's made me legit wonder how you all manage it. For example when we're driving somewhere and she freaks out and we're in traffic. She cried for a half hour straight the other day and I couldn't do anything. Or the other day I was in the shower and she started crying when I had shampoo in my hair. Took me 20 minutes to get clean and dry and get her. I have been wondering about whether or not we will sleep train at 4/5 months and feel like these types of incidents are prepping the baby to deal with gradual crying episodes. I dunno I have been conflicted on this issue but my real life experience the past few weeks is making me wonder what the difference is between these things that are happening now inadvertently and what that would be in a few months. |
Anonymous
| The traffic thing is tricky, I make sure my baby has no reason to cry and a paci in her mouth, it usually works. I couldn't stand to let her cry when I'm in the shower though. It seems so mean when you can put her in a bouncy chair right outside of the shower and peek your head out and reposition her blanket/paci/whatever she needs. 20 minutes is too long when they are so small, there is no need. |
Anonymous
| I did Ferber and I think your shower scenario sounded pretty heartless. |
Anonymous
Lady how much shampoo do you use? I would put the baby in the swing or car.seat to take a shower but if she started crying while washing my hair I could be rinsed and out in less than 5 minutes, and I have a ton of hair. |
Anonymous
| She was right outside the shower in the rock and play and I would reach out to rock her and was talking to her but honestly that just made the shower longer trying to go between soap and reaching out to rock her. I feel like real life just seems to make it impossible to never have your baby cry on their own for a bit. |
Anonymous
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I think both of these things are different than true CIO. The car thing sucks -- been there -- but youre a foot away, presumably talking, singing, communicating that you are nearby. It doesn't make it more pleasant, but philosophically, it's not the same.
As for showers, I got ridiculously fast at showering and had him in the bathroom with me, so there was some crying, but he wasn't alone. It's the alone part that makes a massive difference, IMO. i don't equate all crying with CIO. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like it worked by extinction, not by methods you want to work. |
Anonymous
| 20 minutes to get clean and dry and get her? Really? |
Anonymous
I am huge advocate of Ferber and CIO. However, leaving your 4 week old cry for 20 minutes is hopefully hyperbole on your part. Otherwise, you need to reevaluate your process. |
Anonymous
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I can't figure out why you couldn't quickly rinse out the shampoo, toss in conditioner, and then get her. That would take me two or three minutes, tops. 20 minutes? You are showering wrong.
Honestly, I did not go far when my babies were newborns. We went places, but on mass transit with her tucked into my body. Not far away in a carseat. |
Anonymous
The shower was harder? Welcome to motherhood. |
Anonymous
| Actually, now that I think of it...this is why I probably smelled so bad the first month of my daughter's life. Half assed showering |
Anonymous
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I did not think the shower thing would throw everyone so much. Like I said she was right there and I dunno I like showers. Being a new mom is stressful and the shower is calming. I was talking to her I just didn't pick her up. Maybe I should have phrased this moment as 'having a difficult moment and need a second of me time so take it.' It's all kinds of things that feel like this though. Maybe they just feel like 20 minutes and are actually just moments but it's a lot.
When I'm cleaning her bottles and she's hungry and I can't juggle her and the bottles safely or when I need to eat something and she's fussy so I set her down for a few minutes to get some sustenance. When the dog has an accident or I break a glass and have to clean it up. Like the shower thing is distracting people from my real question which is what to do when life ends up keeping you busy for a few minutes essentially. |
Anonymous
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You have a 4 week old. When she cries. You pick her up. Right now, that is your life. There really is nothing else...all other things are on hold for a bit.
This isn't a 3 month old, it's a 4 week old. Nothing else is more important. |
Anonymous
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I wouldn't call myself an advocate, but I'm pretty strongly anti CIO for my own child, and have spoken up when I feel as though someone here is pushing CIO on a parent who wants other options.
But being against CIO doesn't mean I believe you can avoid having your kid cry. It means that I don't intentionally create situations where my kid cries so that they learn no one's coming. Because that's what CIO is. It's setting up a situation that you know will make your kid cry, so that they learn that crying doesn't "work", because you won't respond. That's not a lesson I want my kid to learn. I also think that there's a difference between crying with someone who is present, and making some kind of effort, whether it's talking to you from the driver's seat, or sticking a hand out to rock the Rock and Play,, and crying alone in a room. |