Serious question for strenuous anti CIO advocates

[Anonymous]

Get out of the damn shower, shampoo or no shampoo, and take care of a crying newborn. Avoid long car rides, sing when DC cries, and pull over if that doesn't work.

But honestly it sounds like you need help. Hire out or find a relative to come over a couple hours a day so that you can shower and eat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a 4 week old. When she cries. You pick her up. Right now, that is your life. There really is nothing else...all other things are on hold for a bit.

This isn't a 3 month old, it's a 4 week old. Nothing else is more important.

+1 you get 20 mins of relaxing shower time when your SO is there to care for her or she's sleeping. This is what being a parent is about and why it's numbingly exhausting at the beginning. We did Ferber btw and never let out children cry longer than 7 minutes when they were 5 months old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20 minutes to get clean and dry and get her? Really?

+1

And I have long natural AA hair with a really super complicated multi-step, pre-poo, deep-condish, etc process.

Stop - you need to do this while she is sleeping. I don't know why you even thought you could do this while she was awake.

You sound like you are in denial! Why do you think so many of of us get braids before the baby comes? Right - because any normal hair routines (like 20-30 minute showers) isn't close to bring doable in those early weeks and months. I got my hair blown out for one reason when my kids were born - because I knew I wouldn't have time for twists, scrunching,etc. Washing it was a joke. Showering was a joke. My record was three days, no shower.

Do you have any help?

[Anonymous]

You people are idiots. You all got obsessed with the shower and bullied the OP out of her own post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people are idiots. You all got obsessed with the shower and bullied the OP out of her own post.

OP's post was basically: Is it ok to CIO? After all, there are circumstances when you have to let the baby cry -- for example, the other day, when I was showering, and the baby cried for 20 minutes while I got the shampoo out of my hair.

So I understand why people got obsessed by the shower.

Plus, also, I don't get the premise of OP's post. Yes, sometimes there are circumstances when you have to let the baby cry. What does that have to do with CIO, which is not one of those circumstances, but rather a deliberate policy choice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not think the shower thing would throw everyone so much. Like I said she was right there and I dunno I like showers. Being a new mom is stressful and the shower is calming. I was talking to her I just didn't pick her up. Maybe I should have phrased this moment as 'having a difficult moment and need a second of me time so take it.' It's all kinds of things that feel like this though. Maybe they just feel like 20 minutes and are actually just moments but it's a lot.

When I'm cleaning her bottles and she's hungry and I can't juggle her and the bottles safely or when I need to eat something and she's fussy so I set her down for a few minutes to get some sustenance. When the dog has an accident or I break a glass and have to clean it up. Like the shower thing is distracting people from my real question which is what to do when life ends up keeping you busy for a few minutes essentially.

The shower was "calming" to you while your baby was screaming??!! Okaaaaay.

[Anonymous]

I had a baby who was a crier and me picking him up and walking him around or holding or rocking often didn't work. He hated any kind of carrier. He just needed to cry. Nothing consoled him.

After about 3 weeks, I gave up trying to hold him through all his crying. I put him on a schedule, let him cry through his naps so I could go to the bathroom, take a shower, and get something to eat. I also had to drive with him screaming in the car.

His long crying jags didn't stop until about six weeks old, when he started sleeping through the night. Which he partly started to do because I didn't run in his room all the time, because I knew it wouldn't make much of a difference.

The anti CIO crow is pretty selective in how it views attending to crying. If your child was trying to stick a fork in a light socket, they wouldn't give in to a crying fit. But let it be at night when everyone -- especially babies -- need their sleep to function, and you are a horrible mom.

My high schooler is a great sleeper now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I had a baby who was a crier and me picking him up and walking him around or holding or rocking often didn't work. He hated any kind of carrier. He just needed to cry. Nothing consoled him.

After about 3 weeks, I gave up trying to hold him through all his crying. I put him on a schedule, let him cry through his naps so I could go to the bathroom, take a shower, and get something to eat. I also had to drive with him screaming in the car.

His long crying jags didn't stop until about six weeks old, when he started sleeping through the night. Which he partly started to do because I didn't run in his room all the time, because I knew it wouldn't make much of a difference.

The anti CIO crow is pretty selective in how it views attending to crying. If your child was trying to stick a fork in a light socket, they wouldn't give in to a crying fit. But let it be at night when everyone -- especially babies -- need their sleep to function, and you are a horrible mom.

My high schooler is a great sleeper now.

And I had a baby who insisted on being held at all times, so I held her at all times except for when it was impossible. My middle-schooler is a great sleeper now too. There, now we have two anecdotes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not think the shower thing would throw everyone so much. Like I said she was right there and I dunno I like showers. Being a new mom is stressful and the shower is calming. I was talking to her I just didn't pick her up. Maybe I should have phrased this moment as 'having a difficult moment and need a second of me time so take it.' It's all kinds of things that feel like this though. Maybe they just feel like 20 minutes and are actually just moments but it's a lot.

When I'm cleaning her bottles and she's hungry and I can't juggle her and the bottles safely or when I need to eat something and she's fussy so I set her down for a few minutes to get some sustenance. When the dog has an accident or I break a glass and have to clean it up. Like the shower thing is distracting people from my real question which is what to do when life ends up keeping you busy for a few minutes essentially.

I don't know. Your description of how you prioritize your life right now seems strange. When mine were newborns (especially the first), I barely ever put her down. I ate one handed while holding her, or not until someone came home to help. I didn't shower unless my husband was home. Cleaning? Yeah right. I didn't want to leave my new baby to cry even for a minute. My world revolved around her. I've since learned some balance, but yeah - there is a reason its a running joke that new moms don't shower/have messy houses/etc. I find your indifference toward responding to the baby in favor of mundane/non-essential tasks bizarre.

Clearly I'm doing things more differently than I thought I was. I didn't think the cumulative time that she's set down for these things all that substantial. 10/20 minutes here and there, some of which she's fussy for doesn't seem like it should invalidate the other 11 hours I'm devoted to her every need. I can't imagine a mom of two or three not facing moments like this with a new newborn. I don't really view trying to maintain my mental health as non essential, nor washing the vessels from which she eats but I guess everyone's thresholds are different. I'm going to take pps advice and bow out of this thread. I think the fact that I even had this question means we probably diverge on a fundamental level. I really was curious though not trying to be clever.

If you can't accomodate your baby's needs I suggest getting help because for the first couple months all needs should be responded to pretty much on demand. If your mental health prevents you from responding it's still your responsibility to make sure those needs are met. The way you put off meeting your newborn's needs is pretty atypical from my experience. Sure, everyone has a bathroom example or finishing up showering but those aren't norms at all and usually people feel very bad about that, not justified.

[Anonymous]

OP ignore the harpies. Your approach seems normal and healthy and in fact will probably lead to a better sleeping baby even without having to do CIO. They have done research showing that not jumping to pick your baby up immediately when they stir at night leads to a better sleeper, without CIO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I had a baby who was a crier and me picking him up and walking him around or holding or rocking often didn't work. He hated any kind of carrier. He just needed to cry. Nothing consoled him.

After about 3 weeks, I gave up trying to hold him through all his crying. I put him on a schedule, let him cry through his naps so I could go to the bathroom, take a shower, and get something to eat. I also had to drive with him screaming in the car.

His long crying jags didn't stop until about six weeks old, when he started sleeping through the night. Which he partly started to do because I didn't run in his room all the time, because I knew it wouldn't make much of a difference.

The anti CIO crow is pretty selective in how it views attending to crying. If your child was trying to stick a fork in a light socket, they wouldn't give in to a crying fit. But let it be at night when everyone -- especially babies -- need their sleep to function, and you are a horrible mom.

My high schooler is a great sleeper now.

My youngest started sleeping through the night before six weeks and I didn't ever let her CIO, my ancedote cancels your out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP ignore the harpies. Your approach seems normal and healthy and in fact will probably lead to a better sleeping baby even without having to do CIO. They have done research showing that not jumping to pick your baby up immediately when they stir at night leads to a better sleeper, without CIO.

link please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not think the shower thing would throw everyone so much. Like I said she was right there and I dunno I like showers. Being a new mom is stressful and the shower is calming. I was talking to her I just didn't pick her up. Maybe I should have phrased this moment as 'having a difficult moment and need a second of me time so take it.' It's all kinds of things that feel like this though. Maybe they just feel like 20 minutes and are actually just moments but it's a lot.

When I'm cleaning her bottles and she's hungry and I can't juggle her and the bottles safely or when I need to eat something and she's fussy so I set her down for a few minutes to get some sustenance. When the dog has an accident or I break a glass and have to clean it up. Like the shower thing is distracting people from my real question which is what to do when life ends up keeping you busy for a few minutes essentially.

I don't know. Your description of how you prioritize your life right now seems strange. When mine were newborns (especially the first), I barely ever put her down. I ate one handed while holding her, or not until someone came home to help. I didn't shower unless my husband was home. Cleaning? Yeah right. I didn't want to leave my new baby to cry even for a minute. My world revolved around her. I've since learned some balance, but yeah - there is a reason its a running joke that new moms don't shower/have messy houses/etc. I find your indifference toward responding to the baby in favor of mundane/non-essential tasks bizarre.

Clearly I'm doing things more differently than I thought I was. I didn't think the cumulative time that she's set down for these things all that substantial. 10/20 minutes here and there, some of which she's fussy for doesn't seem like it should invalidate the other 11 hours I'm devoted to her every need. I can't imagine a mom of two or three not facing moments like this with a new newborn. I don't really view trying to maintain my mental health as non essential, nor washing the vessels from which she eats but I guess everyone's thresholds are different. I'm going to take pps advice and bow out of this thread. I think the fact that I even had this question means we probably diverge on a fundamental level. I really was curious though not trying to be clever.

If you can't accomodate your baby's needs I suggest getting help because for the first couple months all needs should be responded to pretty much on demand. If your mental health prevents you from responding it's still your responsibility to make sure those needs are met. The way you put off meeting your newborn's needs is pretty atypical from my experience. Sure, everyone has a bathroom example or finishing up showering but those aren't norms at all and usually people feel very bad about that, not justified.

Do you really think that moms with a bunch of kids close together are able to deal with their newborn instantaneously 100% of the time? In a month I will have a toddler and a newborn and sometimes I will have to take care of them by myself. I have actually heard that the toddler's needs sometimes need to come first in that kind of conflict situation. The newborn is safe, isn't going to starve, etc., and - YES THIS IS TRUE - 20 minutes of crying is not going to harm them long term.

OP on the other hand I doubt it was actually 20 minutes. One time when my kid was a little older I tried to let her cry 10 in her pack n play for naptime and I only made it to 8.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not think the shower thing would throw everyone so much. Like I said she was right there and I dunno I like showers. Being a new mom is stressful and the shower is calming. I was talking to her I just didn't pick her up. Maybe I should have phrased this moment as 'having a difficult moment and need a second of me time so take it.' It's all kinds of things that feel like this though. Maybe they just feel like 20 minutes and are actually just moments but it's a lot.

When I'm cleaning her bottles and she's hungry and I can't juggle her and the bottles safely or when I need to eat something and she's fussy so I set her down for a few minutes to get some sustenance. When the dog has an accident or I break a glass and have to clean it up. Like the shower thing is distracting people from my real question which is what to do when life ends up keeping you busy for a few minutes essentially.

I don't know. Your description of how you prioritize your life right now seems strange. When mine were newborns (especially the first), I barely ever put her down. I ate one handed while holding her, or not until someone came home to help. I didn't shower unless my husband was home. Cleaning? Yeah right. I didn't want to leave my new baby to cry even for a minute. My world revolved around her. I've since learned some balance, but yeah - there is a reason its a running joke that new moms don't shower/have messy houses/etc. I find your indifference toward responding to the baby in favor of mundane/non-essential tasks bizarre.

+1

I'm baffled as to how that shower could have been relaxing with the baby crying. That stresses me out just reading about it!

Hah .. yes! If I was in the middle of shampooing and needed to take a couple of minutes to rinse off, it would SEEM like 20 minutes .. and not the relaxing kind.

We did not do CIO and, other than in traffic, did not have long crying spells. We had baby carriers that worked well for each of us and wore him all the time which made a happy baby and let housework get done. The traffic thing really sucks though ... sometimes you just HAVE to get somewhere and you can't stop for half an hour. =\

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not think the shower thing would throw everyone so much. Like I said she was right there and I dunno I like showers. Being a new mom is stressful and the shower is calming. I was talking to her I just didn't pick her up. Maybe I should have phrased this moment as 'having a difficult moment and need a second of me time so take it.' It's all kinds of things that feel like this though. Maybe they just feel like 20 minutes and are actually just moments but it's a lot.

When I'm cleaning her bottles and she's hungry and I can't juggle her and the bottles safely or when I need to eat something and she's fussy so I set her down for a few minutes to get some sustenance. When the dog has an accident or I break a glass and have to clean it up. Like the shower thing is distracting people from my real question which is what to do when life ends up keeping you busy for a few minutes essentially.

I don't know. Your description of how you prioritize your life right now seems strange. When mine were newborns (especially the first), I barely ever put her down. I ate one handed while holding her, or not until someone came home to help. I didn't shower unless my husband was home. Cleaning? Yeah right. I didn't want to leave my new baby to cry even for a minute. My world revolved around her. I've since learned some balance, but yeah - there is a reason its a running joke that new moms don't shower/have messy houses/etc. I find your indifference toward responding to the baby in favor of mundane/non-essential tasks bizarre.

Clearly I'm doing things more differently than I thought I was. I didn't think the cumulative time that she's set down for these things all that substantial. 10/20 minutes here and there, some of which she's fussy for doesn't seem like it should invalidate the other 11 hours I'm devoted to her every need. I can't imagine a mom of two or three not facing moments like this with a new newborn. I don't really view trying to maintain my mental health as non essential, nor washing the vessels from which she eats but I guess everyone's thresholds are different. I'm going to take pps advice and bow out of this thread. I think the fact that I even had this question means we probably diverge on a fundamental level. I really was curious though not trying to be clever.

If you can't accomodate your baby's needs I suggest getting help because for the first couple months all needs should be responded to pretty much on demand. If your mental health prevents you from responding it's still your responsibility to make sure those needs are met. The way you put off meeting your newborn's needs is pretty atypical from my experience. Sure, everyone has a bathroom example or finishing up showering but those aren't norms at all and usually people feel very bad about that, not justified.

Do you really think that moms with a bunch of kids close together are able to deal with their newborn instantaneously 100% of the time? In a month I will have a toddler and a newborn and sometimes I will have to take care of them by myself. I have actually heard that the toddler's needs sometimes need to come first in that kind of conflict situation. The newborn is safe, isn't going to starve, etc., and - YES THIS IS TRUE - 20 minutes of crying is not going to harm them long term.

OP on the other hand I doubt it was actually 20 minutes. One time when my kid was a little older I tried to let her cry 10 in her pack n play for naptime and I only made it to 8.

I have 3 kids. My third was a crying maniac. Basically cried nonstop. I wanted to be able to ignore it because it basically was my entire life and I really couldn't get anything done at all. But, there was something that wouldn't let me do that. I couldn't not respond to my crying infant. I think we are wired to do this from a very biological perspective. I ended up hiring someone to help out because my baby cried so much and I did need to do other things. So, I do think it is bizarre if a mother of an infant can basically ignore a crying newborn and feel ok about it. Of course the baby might cry sometimes and you physically cannot get there for some reason (like in a car stuck in traffic), but almost all of my friends report feeling the way I do when that happens (anxious, upset, etc). Not, ehh, whatever.