Serious question for strenuous anti CIO advocates

[Anonymous]

Car crying is hard, and there's not much you can do. But babywearing can cut down on this when you are doing things like washing bottles, cleaning, or even showering (water sling). Or take a 5 minute shower.

[Anonymous]

I'm a little surprised everyone is freaking out about the shower thing. I think "mean" and "heartless" is kind of extreme. I took showers with my kid in the rock n play. I don't remember any situations that I thought lasted so long I felt uncomfortable with them, but sure, there were times she cried and I couldn't get to her as fast as I wanted to. Whatever. She's fine.

I think this thread was ill-conceived, though, OP. You thought you were being clever about a mommy war topic. I have been there. It doesn't work. You are not going to specifically solicit people from a certain camp and convince them to open their minds about something. I would just let it die. And PLEASE don't seek validation from DCUM on stuff like this going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not think the shower thing would throw everyone so much. Like I said she was right there and I dunno I like showers. Being a new mom is stressful and the shower is calming. I was talking to her I just didn't pick her up. Maybe I should have phrased this moment as 'having a difficult moment and need a second of me time so take it.' It's all kinds of things that feel like this though. Maybe they just feel like 20 minutes and are actually just moments but it's a lot.

When I'm cleaning her bottles and she's hungry and I can't juggle her and the bottles safely or when I need to eat something and she's fussy so I set her down for a few minutes to get some sustenance. When the dog has an accident or I break a glass and have to clean it up. Like the shower thing is distracting people from my real question which is what to do when life ends up keeping you busy for a few minutes essentially.

Listen, I am not one of those people who think you have to cater to every whim of child, but honey, you need to change your attitude. This is a 4-week old. You don't take long showers, wash bottles, etc. for extended amounts of time (and yes, 20 minutes is an extended amount of time) when the baby is crying. None of those things is so important that you can't stop and comfort the baby. I loved long showers, so I waited until my husband was home and the baby was sleeping, and I would stand in the shower for as long as I felt like it. Babies require you to change your routine.

And also, none of these scenarios has anything to do with CIO, that is a totally different issue.

[Anonymous]

I just realized that having a kid is why I always take 5 minute showers now. Used to sit under the hot water and wake up for a half hour in there, and just take my time. But it was having a kid that got me down to an efficient 5 minute shower (if I'm not shaving), and I've just never gone back even though the kid is 7 now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not think the shower thing would throw everyone so much. Like I said she was right there and I dunno I like showers. Being a new mom is stressful and the shower is calming. I was talking to her I just didn't pick her up. Maybe I should have phrased this moment as 'having a difficult moment and need a second of me time so take it.' It's all kinds of things that feel like this though. Maybe they just feel like 20 minutes and are actually just moments but it's a lot.

When I'm cleaning her bottles and she's hungry and I can't juggle her and the bottles safely or when I need to eat something and she's fussy so I set her down for a few minutes to get some sustenance. When the dog has an accident or I break a glass and have to clean it up. Like the shower thing is distracting people from my real question which is what to do when life ends up keeping you busy for a few minutes essentially.

Listen, I am not one of those people who think you have to cater to every whim of child, but honey, you need to change your attitude. This is a 4-week old. You don't take long showers, wash bottles, etc. for extended amounts of time (and yes, 20 minutes is an extended amount of time) when the baby is crying. None of those things is so important that you can't stop and comfort the baby. I loved long showers, so I waited until my husband was home and the baby was sleeping, and I would stand in the shower for as long as I felt like it. Babies require you to change your routine.

And also, none of these scenarios has anything to do with CIO, that is a totally different issue.

+1

You have a 4-week-old. Unless you're in the middle of a serious bathroom situation that does not involve shampoo and conditioner, you respond to the baby. I have stopped the car in a safe spot when the baby is crying so much that nothing is working from the front seat, but I generally avoided car rides when DH or I weren't both around so one of us could sit in the back. I had lots of half-finished sandwiches and stinky loads of half-washed laundry when I was on maternity leave. Try a sling for easy babywearing around the house to make some of these chores a bit less vexing, but unless your DH travels or works 14 hours a day, you should be able to shower when he is home (and stay for as long as you can). You don't get me time when you're alone with a newborn.

CIO advocate or not, this has nothing to do with CIO.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, but I'm just sitting here laughing at the "me time" comment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not think the shower thing would throw everyone so much. Like I said she was right there and I dunno I like showers. Being a new mom is stressful and the shower is calming. I was talking to her I just didn't pick her up. Maybe I should have phrased this moment as 'having a difficult moment and need a second of me time so take it.' It's all kinds of things that feel like this though. Maybe they just feel like 20 minutes and are actually just moments but it's a lot.

When I'm cleaning her bottles and she's hungry and I can't juggle her and the bottles safely or when I need to eat something and she's fussy so I set her down for a few minutes to get some sustenance. When the dog has an accident or I break a glass and have to clean it up. Like the shower thing is distracting people from my real question which is what to do when life ends up keeping you busy for a few minutes essentially.

I don't know. Your description of how you prioritize your life right now seems strange. When mine were newborns (especially the first), I barely ever put her down. I ate one handed while holding her, or not until someone came home to help. I didn't shower unless my husband was home. Cleaning? Yeah right. I didn't want to leave my new baby to cry even for a minute. My world revolved around her. I've since learned some balance, but yeah - there is a reason its a running joke that new moms don't shower/have messy houses/etc. I find your indifference toward responding to the baby in favor of mundane/non-essential tasks bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not think the shower thing would throw everyone so much. Like I said she was right there and I dunno I like showers. Being a new mom is stressful and the shower is calming. I was talking to her I just didn't pick her up. Maybe I should have phrased this moment as 'having a difficult moment and need a second of me time so take it.' It's all kinds of things that feel like this though. Maybe they just feel like 20 minutes and are actually just moments but it's a lot.

When I'm cleaning her bottles and she's hungry and I can't juggle her and the bottles safely or when I need to eat something and she's fussy so I set her down for a few minutes to get some sustenance. When the dog has an accident or I break a glass and have to clean it up. Like the shower thing is distracting people from my real question which is what to do when life ends up keeping you busy for a few minutes essentially.

I don't know. Your description of how you prioritize your life right now seems strange. When mine were newborns (especially the first), I barely ever put her down. I ate one handed while holding her, or not until someone came home to help. I didn't shower unless my husband was home. Cleaning? Yeah right. I didn't want to leave my new baby to cry even for a minute. My world revolved around her. I've since learned some balance, but yeah - there is a reason its a running joke that new moms don't shower/have messy houses/etc. I find your indifference toward responding to the baby in favor of mundane/non-essential tasks bizarre.

+1

I'm baffled as to how that shower could have been relaxing with the baby crying. That stresses me out just reading about it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not think the shower thing would throw everyone so much. Like I said she was right there and I dunno I like showers. Being a new mom is stressful and the shower is calming. I was talking to her I just didn't pick her up. Maybe I should have phrased this moment as 'having a difficult moment and need a second of me time so take it.' It's all kinds of things that feel like this though. Maybe they just feel like 20 minutes and are actually just moments but it's a lot.

When I'm cleaning her bottles and she's hungry and I can't juggle her and the bottles safely or when I need to eat something and she's fussy so I set her down for a few minutes to get some sustenance. When the dog has an accident or I break a glass and have to clean it up. Like the shower thing is distracting people from my real question which is what to do when life ends up keeping you busy for a few minutes essentially.

I don't know. Your description of how you prioritize your life right now seems strange. When mine were newborns (especially the first), I barely ever put her down. I ate one handed while holding her, or not until someone came home to help. I didn't shower unless my husband was home. Cleaning? Yeah right. I didn't want to leave my new baby to cry even for a minute. My world revolved around her. I've since learned some balance, but yeah - there is a reason its a running joke that new moms don't shower/have messy houses/etc. I find your indifference toward responding to the baby in favor of mundane/non-essential tasks bizarre.

Clearly I'm doing things more differently than I thought I was. I didn't think the cumulative time that she's set down for these things all that substantial. 10/20 minutes here and there, some of which she's fussy for doesn't seem like it should invalidate the other 11 hours I'm devoted to her every need. I can't imagine a mom of two or three not facing moments like this with a new newborn. I don't really view trying to maintain my mental health as non essential, nor washing the vessels from which she eats but I guess everyone's thresholds are different. I'm going to take pps advice and bow out of this thread. I think the fact that I even had this question means we probably diverge on a fundamental level. I really was curious though not trying to be clever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:20 minutes to get clean and dry and get her? Really?

+1

And I have long natural AA hair with a really super complicated multi-step, pre-poo, deep-condish, etc process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok so I have a four week old. No intention of trying to have her CIO at night right now at all, in fact the opposite I'm trying to reasons to her every cry but I guess I've come to wonder about day to day life.

So babies don't have object permanence so need you to reasons otherwise baby is negatively effected but I feel like there are times it's happening that I can't avoid. It's made me legit wonder how you all manage it.

For example when we're driving somewhere and she freaks out and we're in traffic. She cried for a half hour straight the other day and I couldn't do anything. Or the other day I was in the shower and she started crying when I had shampoo in my hair. Took me 20 minutes to get clean and dry and get her. I have been wondering about whether or not we will sleep train at 4/5 months and feel like these types of incidents are prepping the baby to deal with gradual crying episodes. I dunno I have been conflicted on this issue but my real life experience the past few weeks is making me wonder what the difference is between these things that are happening now inadvertently and what that would be in a few months.

The way I handled this: teamwork. I would shower when my husband could care for the baby. When we were driving, I would ride in the back with him and when he started freaking out, my husband would pull over and I would comfort the baby.

[Anonymous]

Op, next time you are letting your baby cry, look at the clock and actually time it. Because 10 to 20 minutes is a longer time than you might realize, and I wonder if you're overestimating it. For example, if my baby was sleeping, I could wash bottles, switch out laundry, grab a bite to eat. But when the baby started crying, I took maybe a minute (or less?) to get to a stopping point and pick up the baby. I really can't picture any mom (unless she's depressed ) washing dishes or eating a meal or even taking a shower for 10-20 minutes while her baby cries.

I'm not saying it was a breeze. It's stressful to be interrupted like that, when you never know how long the baby will sleep, when you finally, finally get to sit down and eat something then "wahhhh!" But you adjust and get through it.

Do you think you might have PPD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not think the shower thing would throw everyone so much. Like I said she was right there and I dunno I like showers. Being a new mom is stressful and the shower is calming. I was talking to her I just didn't pick her up. Maybe I should have phrased this moment as 'having a difficult moment and need a second of me time so take it.' It's all kinds of things that feel like this though. Maybe they just feel like 20 minutes and are actually just moments but it's a lot.

When I'm cleaning her bottles and she's hungry and I can't juggle her and the bottles safely or when I need to eat something and she's fussy so I set her down for a few minutes to get some sustenance. When the dog has an accident or I break a glass and have to clean it up. Like the shower thing is distracting people from my real question which is what to do when life ends up keeping you busy for a few minutes essentially.

Take a shower when DH is at home and he can take care of baby. Pull over to the side of the road In traffic if baby is inconsolable on the road. Make sure you or DH is sitting next to her in the back seat when possible. Wear the baby or hold in one arm, while you get something for you to eat or when you eat. Stop cleaning bottles and console baby, then go back to cleaning bottles when she is content. Put baby at the top of priority lists. Sometimes, just making it through the day makes it a successful day. You and DH can do chores around the edges for a while.

How often does the dog have an accident or do you break a glass? Honestly, those types of things should not be daily occurrences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not think the shower thing would throw everyone so much. Like I said she was right there and I dunno I like showers. Being a new mom is stressful and the shower is calming. I was talking to her I just didn't pick her up. Maybe I should have phrased this moment as 'having a difficult moment and need a second of me time so take it.' It's all kinds of things that feel like this though. Maybe they just feel like 20 minutes and are actually just moments but it's a lot.

When I'm cleaning her bottles and she's hungry and I can't juggle her and the bottles safely or when I need to eat something and she's fussy so I set her down for a few minutes to get some sustenance. When the dog has an accident or I break a glass and have to clean it up. Like the shower thing is distracting people from my real question which is what to do when life ends up keeping you busy for a few minutes essentially.

I don't know. Your description of how you prioritize your life right now seems strange. When mine were newborns (especially the first), I barely ever put her down. I ate one handed while holding her, or not until someone came home to help. I didn't shower unless my husband was home. Cleaning? Yeah right. I didn't want to leave my new baby to cry even for a minute. My world revolved around her. I've since learned some balance, but yeah - there is a reason its a running joke that new moms don't shower/have messy houses/etc. I find your indifference toward responding to the baby in favor of mundane/non-essential tasks bizarre.

Clearly I'm doing things more differently than I thought I was. I didn't think the cumulative time that she's set down for these things all that substantial. 10/20 minutes here and there, some of which she's fussy for doesn't seem like it should invalidate the other 11 hours I'm devoted to her every need. I can't imagine a mom of two or three not facing moments like this with a new newborn. I don't really view trying to maintain my mental health as non essential, nor washing the vessels from which she eats but I guess everyone's thresholds are different. I'm going to take pps advice and bow out of this thread. I think the fact that I even had this question means we probably diverge on a fundamental level. I really was curious though not trying to be clever.

Where is DH in all of this?

[Anonymous]

I agree that the shower situation was long for op, but if you have a baby that absolutely hates the car (I did) you simply cannot pull over all the time to settle them, especially when they don't settle unless they are out of the car seat!!

And op, if what you're getting at is why are people freaking out about cio when a baby may have to cry in a car seat, are they suffering the same "horrible damage" from the crying...my guess is NO. My son who cried every car ride for months and months on end is not damaged. Anti-cio folks like to speculate and use data from Eastern European orphanage neglect to support their platforms.

But shorten those showers or do it when someone else is around, 20 minutes is truly unacceptable.

Do you have a moby wrap or something similar? You can wear the baby while washing bottles, even if they're upset they are close to your body. Baby wearing saved me from insanity with my two fussy/cried a lot/still not damaged babies.