What Should a Private School Do Stop Bullying?

[Anonymous]

I've witnessed horrible responses to bullying at our local public. None of our DCs were targets but frIend's DC was. The school basically did nothing but advise the boys to be good and repeatedly asked everyone to get along. My friend's son, after being verbally taunted and physically roughed up for months finally snapped and hit the ringleader of the boys who were tormenting him. Guess who got suspended, despite the school knowing the history and acknowledging there was extreme provocation?

One of our DCs started a new private school this year and has become the target of bullying. Is it reasonable to expect a more effective responce from private schools, if for no other reason than they can kick out kids who persistently bully other kids? We've had 2 meetings about the bullying with the teacher, one initiated by her, another by us to request a plan of action. That was after DC came home with scratches and a bruise.

So far, the school's response consists of getting the parties together to talk and telling them they all need to play nice. From what DC is reporting, the bullying has continued every day despite these meetings. I don't want to subject DC to a full year of dealing with these bullies. FWIW, I witnessed one instance of verbal taunting myself. These kids are pretty bold, and were not at all deterred by the presence of a parent.

DC is at the lower school level. Most of the other kids have been together for a number of years. DC is fairly bright and has made a very smooth adjustment academically. His teacher has given us feedback that he's doing very well and is enthusiastic about learning. DC has said that he is more challenged at his new school and is really likes it except for the bullies. DC has made friends with a number of sweet, also very bright boys. Most of them are academically oriented and what you might call a bit nerdy. None of them are fighters, although one of his buddies tried to help him stand up to the bullies and got pushed against a fence.

DC's personality is outgoing and gregarious, not at all shy. His first response is to want to retaliate, but we've asked him not to do that and to call for help from his teacher. After I saw thE scratches and bruise, I did have some second thoughts. The bullies are good at catching DC when the teacher's attention is focused elsewhere. She reacts after the fact without having witnessed what went down.

What kinds of interventions are effective and reasonable to expect of a private school? I'd love to hear success stories of how parents and teachers worked together to stop bullying.

Also how long is it reasonable to give the school before we see results, I.e. Cessation of bullying? A month? Two months? From my friend's experience, it seemed like if not addressed immediately, it just gets worse and worse. How do you tactfully discuss with the school if you think their response is insufficient? Are there anti-bullying resources or coaches out there?

[Anonymous]

I would discuss with the school to keep the kids separated but in all reality you are own your own.

If it has gone that far, I'd tell my child it is NOT ok to hit, but there are some situations where you do need to defend yourself or a friend (especially a girl if a boy is hurting her) and he has my permission to do what he needs to do (punch, hit, kick) to protect himself. I would have been ok with my child stepping in to help his friend and would have defended him for helping his friend (the one that got pushed to the fence). Maybe put the boys in Karate.

Sadly, sometimes hitting back harder is the only way to get a bully to stop. When my kid was 4, a child/relative who repeatedly hit my child (visiting us), and he finally hit back (usually I stayed right by them trying to prevent problems but this time I was further away) and that solved that. I kept warning the older child that my child is learning to hit from him and one day I may not be able to stop it.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you should expect more from a private school than this. If this were me, I'd have the names of the other kids in hand (along with the names of your DC's friends who have witnessed these events) and would be in the head of school's office bright and early, demanding action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you should expect more from a private school than this. If this were me, I'd have the names of the other kids in hand (along with the names of your DC's friends who have witnessed these events) and would be in the head of school's office bright and early, demanding action.

This! It's awful that your son is going through this. I know it's hard because you don't want to be "that" parent, but stick up for your child no matter what. I think if more parents were willing to be "that" parent, schools would get their act together a bit more and be more responsive to bullying. This shouldn't be tolerated! The "wait and see" method is stupid and doesn't solve anything, and the poor bullied child is the one who suffers through all of this, yet schools seem more concerned about not offending the bully! I'm personally tired of it.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess: the bully's parents are wealthy donors or on the board.

[Anonymous]

Honestly it really depends on the school. Some places have a more hand's off, let the kids sort it out and figure it out themselves culture. Other schools intervene right away and will stay on top of kids who are bullying. I don't think it can hurt to reach out to the parents as well. I once saw a father cry at our school when he found out how mean his son had been to another child at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you should expect more from a private school than this. If this were me, I'd have the names of the other kids in hand (along with the names of your DC's friends who have witnessed these events) and would be in the head of school's office bright and early, demanding action.

This! It's awful that your son is going through this. I know it's hard because you don't want to be "that" parent, but stick up for your child no matter what. I think if more parents were willing to be "that" parent, schools would get their act together a bit more and be more responsive to bullying. This shouldn't be tolerated! The "wait and see" method is stupid and doesn't solve anything, and the poor bullied child is the one who suffers through all of this, yet schools seem more concerned about not offending the bully! I'm personally tired of it.

There are few things that schools want to be known for less these days than fostering or permitting a bullying atmosphere. You need to be vocal about this--with the administration at the highest level, then with the school's parent organization, and if those don't work, go for the jugular--with the school's accreditation source or social media/school review sites. Do not be passive here. You don't have to scream and yell, but you do have to be persistent and unwavering and unafraid to express yourself calmly and in no uncertain terms. Protect your kid.

[Anonymous]

I think the expectations should be the same whether it is a public or private school -- but not sure any school has figured this problem out.

My niece (lives outside of DC area) was bullied by another girl over a 2 year period at her private school (age 7-9). Finally my sister pulled her out in February and home schooled her for the rest of the year on the advice of her pediatrician / a psychologist she consulted. She enrolled in a new private school the following year.

[Anonymous]

Document the scratches and say you are going to get the police involved.

[Anonymous]

Go above the teacher to the Head of the Lower School and report the scratches and bruises (might be a good idea to send an email proof to the meeting so you have this in writing -- start documenting -- that gets the school's attention). You need them to call the bully's parents and take action. Don't sit back while your child suffers. Escalate this now. Students at our private sign a Code of Conduct form prior to school and this would be a violation. At our last private, a student was a bully and his contract was not renewed at the end of the year because he had hit or slapped other students.

[Anonymous]

proof - meant to write prior

[Anonymous]

I'm all for letting kids play and jump and run and sometimes they get hurt and that's life. If your kid comes home from school bruised in the context of constant harassment, the school needs to intervene beyond telling the bully to play nice. Keep going up the food chain. Some schools deal with this more effectively than others. Some teachers deal with this more effectively than others. I've seen teachers turn a whole class around by working with the whole class and talking with each kid individually about acceptable behavior. I've seen kids who were laughed at/ picked on integrated into the group. I've also seen absolutely nothing done. Ask for more. Anddont let them make your kid the one who has to sit down and talk it out with the bully. That's bad counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you should expect more from a private school than this. If this were me, I'd have the names of the other kids in hand (along with the names of your DC's friends who have witnessed these events) and would be in the head of school's office bright and early, demanding action.

Sadly, that's not always the case. Our private school did squat when my son was verbally and physically bullied in K
We did everything, went to the teacher, the principal, etc...nothing was done. Bullies are still at the school...now, monopolizing classrooms...my son stays clear of them now that he's older and can verbalize things better.

Private schools in our experience are more financially motivated than child-centric...ie: a bully at the school bullied another kid, I won't say how but the physical signs were left on another child's body. Said kid has a parent on the board of trustees...guess who is never getting kicked out? Or even suspended?
That's right.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Thanks for the advice and sharing of experiences. DH and I are not entirely on the same page on how to deal with this, so it's useful to hear the range of responses. I think it might be useful to escalate it to the HOS now, rather than waiting. DH thinks that we should wait a few weeks. He says if there's an inadequate response from the teachers, we should just let DC fight back.

DC has a few years of Tae Kwon Do under his belt, so his not fighting back is because I asked him not to use physical means to solve this problem. My concern is that if the school doesn't take verbal taunting seriously, then he will be labeled the "bad kid" for fighting back, the way my friend's child was. I've heard that private schools sometimes decline to renew a contract for a child who is considered too problematic. DC loves the school academically, so I don't want to risk that, at least not yet. However, I"m not willing to let DC stay at a school that allows this kind of bullying to go on without intervention.

DH says that DC has a big personality, so he is going to attract conflict. He said when he was a kid, there was a lot of fighting in the upper elementary grades as different boys vied for dominance. DH thinks the bullies are focused on DC because he stands out. He says the only way to take care of this is to allow DC to establish where he is on the hierarchy through physical means. This sounds neanderthal to me, and I'm hopeful that the school can find an effective way to respond. I'm curious to hear from other parents of kids who were bullied, is allowing your kid to hit back the only way to respond if the school doesn't?

My frustration is that DC's teacher doesn't seem to treat it very seriously. While she was the one to first draw our attention to the situation, since then her attitude seems to be that it will take time to see a change in behavior on the part of the bullies. Based on my friend's experience, I don't think waiting and seeing is going to do much good. She has so far not disciplined the bullies, just treated it like a group dynamic that will change if she keeps telling everyone to be nice.

What kind of interventions should I be asking for? How long should I give her to work on it before I escalate it?

I know there was an anti-bullying coach mentioned on a DCUM thread not long ago. I did a search on bullying and came up with so many results that it will take me weeks to scan through them all. Does anyone recall this thread or know this anti-bullying coach?

[Anonymous]

I'm an H, and understand your DH's instinct, but he's wrong on this. Times have changed since we were kids. If your DH lets this play out the way he is envisioning, it is likely that this will be viewed as a normal spat between kids, both of whom are equal offenders. Or worse, your kid fights back, hurts the other kid, and your kid is labeled the troublemaker/bully.