What Should a Private School Do Stop Bullying?

[Anonymous]

^^^ "experienced and witnessed"

[Anonymous]

At our private if the school didn't witness the behavior and the parent didn't witness the behavior they treat both children equally and don't take sides. They just give them both a good talking to about improving their behavior. If the parent persists in complaining about another kid to our school, having only their own child's version to rely on, they will definitely punish that kid as well as the other. Kind of giving the message to the parent like, back off. Eventually the kids stop complaining to mommy and daddy about Johnny being "mean" to me. Kids know how to push mom and dads buttons. Tell your kid to tell the teacher next time he's "bullied" at school. The teacher will take care of it, and will probably witness your child causing the bullying to begin with by mouthing off to someone.

[Anonymous]

I went through the bullying at an all-girls private. My daughter was/is extremely bright and kind. The bullying included stealing, taunting, physical, and even an attack on another girl who rode to the rescue. Since the school did nothing, I took matters into my own hands. I was NOT going to let this play out at the expense of my child fearful of a classmate, and I was no longer going to be ignored.

I told the school the next incident of theft, I was bringing in the police. The next incident of physical contact, I was bringing in the police. I also advised the school they should make the girl's parents aware of my intentions and also put the school on notice that not only will we not leave, they need to reel this girl in now or deal with legal action. Enough is enough!!

I don't know if the school ever spoke with the parent(s), but the harrassment stopped. A few years later when the girls matured and my daughter got bigger and stronger physically and emotionally, the bully wanted to be her best friend. No dice. The bully put my DD through too much.

I relate my story because private schools sometimes tolerate bullies in fear of legal repercussions from the bully parents. They forget the victims have the same rights of legal action. I can never be sure if our threats of legal and police action were effective but the bullying stopped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through the bullying at an all-girls private. My daughter was/is extremely bright and kind. The bullying included stealing, taunting, physical, and even an attack on another girl who rode to the rescue. Since the school did nothing, I took matters into my own hands. I was NOT going to let this play out at the expense of my child fearful of a classmate, and I was no longer going to be ignored.

I told the school the next incident of theft, I was bringing in the police. The next incident of physical contact, I was bringing in the police. I also advised the school they should make the girl's parents aware of my intentions and also put the school on notice that not only will we not leave, they need to reel this girl in now or deal with legal action. Enough is enough!!

I don't know if the school ever spoke with the parent(s), but the harrassment stopped. A few years later when the girls matured and my daughter got bigger and stronger physically and emotionally, the bully wanted to be her best friend. No dice. The bully put my DD through too much.

I relate my story because private schools sometimes tolerate bullies in fear of legal repercussions from the bully parents. They forget the victims have the same rights of legal action. I can never be sure if our threats of legal and police action were effective but the bullying stopped.

You better be careful your mouth doesn't write a check that your reputation can't cash. There may be bruises and scratches, but who's to say that a child caused them?

As opposed to the parents who have been with the child since birth? And who are bigger and stronger than the children?

Just sayin'. Child Protective Services may believe you. They may not.

Do you really want to take that chance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went through the bullying at an all-girls private. My daughter was/is extremely bright and kind. The bullying included stealing, taunting, physical, and even an attack on another girl who rode to the rescue. Since the school did nothing, I took matters into my own hands. I was NOT going to let this play out at the expense of my child fearful of a classmate, and I was no longer going to be ignored.

I told the school the next incident of theft, I was bringing in the police. The next incident of physical contact, I was bringing in the police. I also advised the school they should make the girl's parents aware of my intentions and also put the school on notice that not only will we not leave, they need to reel this girl in now or deal with legal action. Enough is enough!!

I don't know if the school ever spoke with the parent(s), but the harrassment stopped. A few years later when the girls matured and my daughter got bigger and stronger physically and emotionally, the bully wanted to be her best friend. No dice. The bully put my DD through too much.

I relate my story because private schools sometimes tolerate bullies in fear of legal repercussions from the bully parents. They forget the victims have the same rights of legal action. I can never be sure if our threats of legal and police action were effective but the bullying stopped.

You better be careful your mouth doesn't write a check that your reputation can't cash. There may be bruises and scratches, but who's to say that a child caused them?

As opposed to the parents who have been with the child since birth? And who are bigger and stronger than the children?

Just sayin'. Child Protective Services may believe you. They may not.

Do you really want to take that chance?

Are you crazy? If the child said their classmate is bullying them do you think CPS is going to believe any different. Chile bye! #cpssocialworker Stop implying we are stupid, and stop suggesting that only people with money and reputation have recourses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh no no no. This should not be happening at any school. I'd definitely talk to the head of school about it. It's unconscionable for a child not to feel safe at a school anywhere. But the reality is that with the smaller classes (especially lower schools) the teachers have way more control over student interaction. That teacher needs to step up and take this seriously. Maybe it doesn't look very bad to her, but she doesn't know what it's doing to your son inside.

My son's school has tiny classes and there is one class bully. He was almost counseled out last year. But the teacher did keep him in check and this year's teacher seems to be doing the same thing.

FTFY

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went through the bullying at an all-girls private. My daughter was/is extremely bright and kind. The bullying included stealing, taunting, physical, and even an attack on another girl who rode to the rescue. Since the school did nothing, I took matters into my own hands. I was NOT going to let this play out at the expense of my child fearful of a classmate, and I was no longer going to be ignored.

I told the school the next incident of theft, I was bringing in the police. The next incident of physical contact, I was bringing in the police. I also advised the school they should make the girl's parents aware of my intentions and also put the school on notice that not only will we not leave, they need to reel this girl in now or deal with legal action. Enough is enough!!

I don't know if the school ever spoke with the parent(s), but the harrassment stopped. A few years later when the girls matured and my daughter got bigger and stronger physically and emotionally, the bully wanted to be her best friend. No dice. The bully put my DD through too much.

I relate my story because private schools sometimes tolerate bullies in fear of legal repercussions from the bully parents. They forget the victims have the same rights of legal action. I can never be sure if our threats of legal and police action were effective but the bullying stopped.

You better be careful your mouth doesn't write a check that your reputation can't cash. There may be bruises and scratches, but who's to say that a child caused them?

As opposed to the parents who have been with the child since birth? And who are bigger and stronger than the children?

Just sayin'. Child Protective Services may believe you. They may not.

Do you really want to take that chance?

^^I think we just found the bully's parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went through the bullying at an all-girls private. My daughter was/is extremely bright and kind. The bullying included stealing, taunting, physical, and even an attack on another girl who rode to the rescue. Since the school did nothing, I took matters into my own hands. I was NOT going to let this play out at the expense of my child fearful of a classmate, and I was no longer going to be ignored.

I told the school the next incident of theft, I was bringing in the police. The next incident of physical contact, I was bringing in the police. I also advised the school they should make the girl's parents aware of my intentions and also put the school on notice that not only will we not leave, they need to reel this girl in now or deal with legal action. Enough is enough!!

I don't know if the school ever spoke with the parent(s), but the harrassment stopped. A few years later when the girls matured and my daughter got bigger and stronger physically and emotionally, the bully wanted to be her best friend. No dice. The bully put my DD through too much.

I relate my story because private schools sometimes tolerate bullies in fear of legal repercussions from the bully parents. They forget the victims have the same rights of legal action. I can never be sure if our threats of legal and police action were effective but the bullying stopped.

You better be careful your mouth doesn't write a check that your reputation can't cash. There may be bruises and scratches, but who's to say that a child caused them?

As opposed to the parents who have been with the child since birth? And who are bigger and stronger than the children?

Just sayin'. Child Protective Services may believe you. They may not.

Do you really want to take that chance?

^^I think we just found the bully's parent.

+1

[Anonymous]

The truth is the private schools ARE afraid of upsetting the apple cart with their donating families. They are also afraid of acknowledging there is ever a problem - because news spreads like wild fire (here we all are, spreading it).

And finally the privates often employ fairly ineffective teachers when it comes to discipline. And that folks, is the root of the problem. If the badly behaved kids know they have a long leash, they'll make full use of it.

[Anonymous]

This thread is quite disturbing. It portrays a culture of corruption at the heart of the private school model of education. No culture should aid and abet, nor even tolerate, the abuse and marginalization of members. A school culture in which adults, including parents, aid bullies by staying silent is corrupt. Adults must be a model of right moral behavior for students. Any school in which adults fail to actively promote a culture of peace and justice is bad for a child's development. Think hard about what you are buying into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is quite disturbing. It portrays a culture of corruption at the heart of the private school model of education. No culture should aid and abet, nor even tolerate, the abuse and marginalization of members. A school culture in which adults, including parents, aid bullies by staying silent is corrupt. Adults must be a model of right moral behavior for students. Any school in which adults fail to actively promote a culture of peace and justice is bad for a child's development. Think hard about what you are buying into.

+1000

We as a society have put up with this kind of corruption (not just in private schools) for far too long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Thanks for the advice and sharing of experiences. DH and I are not entirely on the same page on how to deal with this, so it's useful to hear the range of responses. I think it might be useful to escalate it to the HOS now, rather than waiting. DH thinks that we should wait a few weeks. He says if there's an inadequate response from the teachers, we should just let DC fight back.

DC has a few years of Tae Kwon Do under his belt, so his not fighting back is because I asked him not to use physical means to solve this problem. My concern is that if the school doesn't take verbal taunting seriously, then he will be labeled the "bad kid" for fighting back, the way my friend's child was. I've heard that private schools sometimes decline to renew a contract for a child who is considered too problematic. DC loves the school academically, so I don't want to risk that, at least not yet. However, I"m not willing to let DC stay at a school that allows this kind of bullying to go on without intervention.

DH says that DC has a big personality, so he is going to attract conflict. He said when he was a kid, there was a lot of fighting in the upper elementary grades as different boys vied for dominance. DH thinks the bullies are focused on DC because he stands out. He says the only way to take care of this is to allow DC to establish where he is on the hierarchy through physical means. This sounds neanderthal to me, and I'm hopeful that the school can find an effective way to respond. I'm curious to hear from other parents of kids who were bullied, is allowing your kid to hit back the only way to respond if the school doesn't?

My frustration is that DC's teacher doesn't seem to treat it very seriously. While she was the one to first draw our attention to the situation, since then her attitude seems to be that it will take time to see a change in behavior on the part of the bullies. Based on my friend's experience, I don't think waiting and seeing is going to do much good. She has so far not disciplined the bullies, just treated it like a group dynamic that will change if she keeps telling everyone to be nice.

What kind of interventions should I be asking for? How long should I give her to work on it before I escalate it?

I know there was an anti-bullying coach mentioned on a DCUM thread not long ago. I did a search on bullying and came up with so many results that it will take me weeks to scan through them all. Does anyone recall this thread or know this anti-bullying coach?

Your husband is wrong. Even when I was growing up, the school policy was that all parties in a fight are punished. There's no distinction between who started it, et cetera. So your child would risk being punished if he is caught fighting with another kid. You are right to resist that.

As for what interventions, personally, I would ask that at the very least, the school do what it can to keep the bullies away from your child. Move them to another class, assign them a designated area for lunch, move the lockers as far away as possible. Make it so that the bullies have to go out of their way to interact with your kid. And the school needs to bring the parents of the bullies in and tell them in no uncertain terms that the bullies are to stay away from your child, and if they do not follow that, they will face consequences. Period.

That's what I would insist on. And if the school resisted that, I'd consider getting a lawyer or even talking to the police about what options I have if I feel like my child is not safe at school and the school is being negligent in addressing the issue.

Tell your DH that the parents of the bullies won't hesitate to sue you or demand your child be kicked out if he fights back and actually hurts one of the bullies. Don't invite that kind of trouble. It's great that your kid knows how to defend himself, but that doesn't prepare him for the real world. There are bullies in the workplace, too. And guess what? You can't solve those problems with fist fights. You have to solve them in other ways and using other tools. There's nothing wrong with standing up for yourself. But in my view, physically fighting back isn't the best way to do that. Legally fighting back is the best way. The school has a legal obligation to ensure your kid is safe while he is in their care. They're not living up to that. You should be standing up to them, not telling your kid to hit another kid.