What Should a Private School Do Stop Bullying?

[Anonymous]

Bullying is worse in private schools. Most of the time, the parents of the bully are donating a significant amount of money in order to protect their child from the consequences of their actions. At a smaller school, a significant amount of money could be a 10-15k donation per year. Also, the parents of bullies lawyer up very quickly at the beginning of the year and will get the school to agree to accommodate their child's behavioral or learning issues (which are usually just behavioral issues) so then it is harder to kick them out because their behavior is due to their "special needs" that the school agreed to accommodate.

I donate a nominal amount to the annual fund at the beginning of the school year (only so I don't have to get a phone call about the importance of participating) and if I'm satisfied with how my child has been treated, the performance of his teachers and how the head of school has handled issues throughout the school year (if there's bullying in the classroom, it needs to be handled right away, etc). Put your money where your mouth is - if things aren't being handled in a swift manner, don't make an annual fund donation and tell them why. Confront the other parents. And also look at other schools just in case things don't change. In my experience, it's best to send your kid to a school that has more than one class so at least during the next year, you can request that the kids be in different classes.
Also, put everything in writing and if you're in DC, you can record conversations on the phone without the other party knowing as it's one party consent.

[Anonymous]

We received the annual report this week and I wasn't surprised to see that the worst kids had large donor parents.

[Anonymous]

PPs, could you please name the schools where bullying is not handled when there's big donor money involved, so that other parents might have a hope of avoiding them? That seems like a betrayal of the schools' missions, and I would certainly not want to spend my $40,000 a year + donations at a school like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We received the annual report this week and I wasn't surprised to see that the worst kids had large donor parents.

Ugh. The school actually lists donation amounts? How tacky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A great program is Responsive Classroom. They have a part of the program which focuses on anti-bullying. One person can't do anything, it takes a community.

Yes, but bullying still happens in schools with Responsive Classroom. BTDT. The alpha males will still play the alpha male card when the "classroom" part is out of play -- on the playground, in the halls, in the boys room, when the teacher is out of the classroom (it then becomes just a room).

[Anonymous]

Absolutely escalate to head of school. Working at lower levels hasn't worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PPs, could you please name the schools where bullying is not handled when there's big donor money involved, so that other parents might have a hope of avoiding them? That seems like a betrayal of the schools' missions, and I would certainly not want to spend my $40,000 a year + donations at a school like that.

Every private school. I'm sorry but this is how the world works so get used to it.

Yes schools list donor ranges.

[Anonymous]

There's no reason to name names because every private school in the area does this. If your school is going through a capital campaign and the kid of a big donor happens to be bullying your child that year, don't even bother complaining because nothing will be done unless of course, you have the financial means to make an even larger donation than the bully's family then go right ahead. Otherwise, you'll just be wasting your time.

The only way you will get traction when it comes to complaining to the administrators and teachers is if they think that you have financial resources that will benefit the school in the long run. There are people at my child's school who are completely over leveraged and live well beyond their means just to impress other people and those families are always treated with a certain level of respect because the teacher's are always under the impression that those parents are large donors or have the potential to donate more money to the school.

The fact of the matter is that at any private school, the children whose parents donate a lot of money (and this is all relative because for some small schools a $10-15k donation is a lot of money and for some of the larger schools, a $100k+ gift is considered to be significant) or the children of parents whom the teachers think have a lot of money will always be treated better. You can't avoid the situation, this is a problem that exists at every school.

Most school's have a director of development and depending how skilled they are at their job, they will try to chat you up at different school functions in order to guess how much money you could potentially donate to the school and some will do research on families as well if they think that the family has a potential to make a significant gift to the school. If the development director picks up on the fact that a particular family spends a portion of winter break in Gustavia and goes skiing in Klosters and summers on Sconset then their child is going to be able to get away with pretty much whatever they damn well please because the school is going to actively court that the family for a large gift. And discussing that Dillinger or Larla has a behavioral problem and is a bit of a bully, is not going go down well with a family that's going to make a significant donation. Hence, why these children get away with terrorizing the other children.

A lot of these bullies are insecure and have parents who don't pay that much attention to them or their home life is a mess so if you're able to teach your kid this and teach them not to hit back but to respond back with their words (which in some cases hurt more than fists) usually they can get the bully to back off. I was bullied as a child and never hit anyone back but I learned to have an extremely sharp tongue and made many a bully cry. Once you break down the bully, they will leave you alone. And by teaching your child to stand up for himself with his words and not his fists, you're not turning your child into the bully, you're just teaching your child to defend themselves.

Don't expect the school to do anything when it comes to bullying unless your family has more financial resources than the bully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's no reason to name names because every private school in the area does this. If your school is going through a capital campaign and the kid of a big donor happens to be bullying your child that year, don't even bother complaining because nothing will be done unless of course, you have the financial means to make an even larger donation than the bully's family then go right ahead. Otherwise, you'll just be wasting your time.

The only way you will get traction when it comes to complaining to the administrators and teachers is if they think that you have financial resources that will benefit the school in the long run. There are people at my child's school who are completely over leveraged and live well beyond their means just to impress other people and those families are always treated with a certain level of respect because the teacher's are always under the impression that those parents are large donors or have the potential to donate more money to the school.

The fact of the matter is that at any private school, the children whose parents donate a lot of money (and this is all relative because for some small schools a $10-15k donation is a lot of money and for some of the larger schools, a $100k+ gift is considered to be significant) or the children of parents whom the teachers think have a lot of money will always be treated better. You can't avoid the situation, this is a problem that exists at every school.

Most school's have a director of development and depending how skilled they are at their job, they will try to chat you up at different school functions in order to guess how much money you could potentially donate to the school and some will do research on families as well if they think that the family has a potential to make a significant gift to the school. If the development director picks up on the fact that a particular family spends a portion of winter break in Gustavia and goes skiing in Klosters and summers on Sconset then their child is going to be able to get away with pretty much whatever they damn well please because the school is going to actively court that the family for a large gift. And discussing that Dillinger or Larla has a behavioral problem and is a bit of a bully, is not going go down well with a family that's going to make a significant donation. Hence, why these children get away with terrorizing the other children.

A lot of these bullies are insecure and have parents who don't pay that much attention to them or their home life is a mess so if you're able to teach your kid this and teach them not to hit back but to respond back with their words (which in some cases hurt more than fists) usually they can get the bully to back off. I was bullied as a child and never hit anyone back but I learned to have an extremely sharp tongue and made many a bully cry. Once you break down the bully, they will leave you alone. And by teaching your child to stand up for himself with his words and not his fists, you're not turning your child into the bully, you're just teaching your child to defend themselves.

Don't expect the school to do anything when it comes to bullying unless your family has more financial resources than the bully.

+1. We left a Catholic school for this reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's no reason to name names because every private school in the area does this. If your school is going through a capital campaign and the kid of a big donor happens to be bullying your child that year, don't even bother complaining because nothing will be done unless of course, you have the financial means to make an even larger donation than the bully's family then go right ahead. Otherwise, you'll just be wasting your time.

The only way you will get traction when it comes to complaining to the administrators and teachers is if they think that you have financial resources that will benefit the school in the long run. There are people at my child's school who are completely over leveraged and live well beyond their means just to impress other people and those families are always treated with a certain level of respect because the teacher's are always under the impression that those parents are large donors or have the potential to donate more money to the school.

The fact of the matter is that at any private school, the children whose parents donate a lot of money (and this is all relative because for some small schools a $10-15k donation is a lot of money and for some of the larger schools, a $100k+ gift is considered to be significant) or the children of parents whom the teachers think have a lot of money will always be treated better. You can't avoid the situation, this is a problem that exists at every school.

Most school's have a director of development and depending how skilled they are at their job, they will try to chat you up at different school functions in order to guess how much money you could potentially donate to the school and some will do research on families as well if they think that the family has a potential to make a significant gift to the school. If the development director picks up on the fact that a particular family spends a portion of winter break in Gustavia and goes skiing in Klosters and summers on Sconset then their child is going to be able to get away with pretty much whatever they damn well please because the school is going to actively court that the family for a large gift. And discussing that Dillinger or Larla has a behavioral problem and is a bit of a bully, is not going go down well with a family that's going to make a significant donation. Hence, why these children get away with terrorizing the other children.

A lot of these bullies are insecure and have parents who don't pay that much attention to them or their home life is a mess so if you're able to teach your kid this and teach them not to hit back but to respond back with their words (which in some cases hurt more than fists) usually they can get the bully to back off. I was bullied as a child and never hit anyone back but I learned to have an extremely sharp tongue and made many a bully cry. Once you break down the bully, they will leave you alone. And by teaching your child to stand up for himself with his words and not his fists, you're not turning your child into the bully, you're just teaching your child to defend themselves.

Don't expect the school to do anything when it comes to bullying unless your family has more financial resources than the bully.

So far, we've not encountered a bully with wealthy parents, so I'm not ruling PP's assertions out completely. However, the post does smack of bitterness and over-generalizing. How is it possible for one observer to know the ins and outs of what happens at every private school? Surely, families who make smaller donations also matter to the schools, since their collective donations often add up to more than a single donor?

[Anonymous]

I'm speaking from my personal experience at a private school here. And two of my friends have had similar experiences as well.

Obviously, I don't know what happens at every single private school in the area - no one does!

The smaller donations count for the overall participation rate (which matters when it comes to applications for grants) but if you're in the midst of a capital campaign, those larger donations matter more.

Please excuse my language, but I am bitter and that's because I think that it is complete bullshit that some schools will not address bullying with certain parents because of the parents financial contributions to the school. I get it and I know this is how things work and prepares children for the real world and bla bla but I think it's shitty.

I used to serve on the board of a private school (not in this area) and there were parents who made significant donations to the capital campaign and those parents donations had much more of an impact than the donations of the smaller donors combined.

[Anonymous]

To the OP, I am very sorry you are going through this on top of the stress that comes with having your child in a new school. One thing I would recommend is that in the past when my kids were having trouble with bullies it helped me to talk to other parents and realize that we were not alone. This is not a substitute for speaking to someone at the school but it is a good supplement. I know this is particularly hard since you are new to the school, but are there any grade socials or other events coming up where you might be able to get to know some other parents? I don't mean to seem like a pollyanna, but all problems are magnified when you are new to a school because you feel particularly alone, and so does your DC. He has not even had time to make friends yet! But he will. By the way, I have a DS with a strong personality too. They find their way, and its not their fault they get bullied. So hang in there.

[Anonymous]

WIS has dealt poorly with bullying for nearly a decade. Sadly all that's happening is the Primary School is worse than ever, parents at both campus'sfeel their kids unsafe and we've no recourse.

[Anonymous]

For those with kids who have been bullied to the point of physical bruises is there a reason you are not going to the police? While I have no personal experience, if my DC comes home with bruises and the response isn't prompt and swift my next call is to the local police station. I'll be damned if I sit by while my child is being physically abused by anyone including another child of their own age. I'm not judging you OP -- just wondering why I haven't read more than maybe one other comment that suggested contacting the police?

[Anonymous]

I feel really badly for you OP.
We had a case of bullying like this in another state when our DS was in 1st. The day I found out about it (he told me around 8pm and it was extensive, both verbal and physical) I emailed the VP of our public school. She emailed back and in the morning she had already spoken to the teacher the parent and was setting up a meeting with the bully. She saw me and my DS and approached him and said if he EVER had a problem like that again, to find her. She was often outside for recess etc. That in my opinion, is effective handling of bullying. We never had a 2nd incident after that.

By contrast my DS was in a private K-8 here and witnessed rampant discipline problems, some of which included bullying (physical more than verbal). I approached the teacher and the HOS and they were both completely disinterested. They did nothing. They didn't even pretend to do anything.