Can't my kid win just one time?

[Anonymous]

I know kids shouldn't win at everything and that winning isn't even the point, but damn I just wish that one time my 11 year old DS would have the feeling of success that comes with making a sports team, school leadership position, etc. He's not athletic, but is a decent student who enjoys playing instruments, competing in lego competitions. He desperately wants to find his place and in 11 years has never ended up on top. He keeps putting himself out there (and we make sure that his goals aren't unrealistic) and comes up empty, then feels worse about himself and inevitably behaves terribly for a bit because he doesn't know how to express his emotions. DW and I always tell him how proud we are that he tries, but just once I wish it would pay off for him. Not really seeking any advice, but just crossing my fingers that at some point he will see the fruits of his labor.

[Anonymous]

I was this kid, and to this day, I've been made to feel like crap because of it. I still remember my mom telling me that "not everyone is good at something."

I know the current thing is to not praise your child unless they "deserve" it, but keep up with how you're handling it.

[Anonymous]

Your feelings are probably a result of this endless "reward culture" that we live in. People get awards for any and everything, so naturally the ones who don't feel left out.

To be more specific to your complaint, my child is motor-challenged and introverted. We understood early on that team sports and school leadership stuff were not his thing. He does dance and choir, in which there are absolutely no award systems built in, but in which there is much team spirit! Orchestra would fill the same niche. He also read adult books starting in first grade, and guess what - there are no public rewards for being an advanced reader either!

Steer him towards activities that are not publicly rewarded, and he won't feel so left out. Your child is amazing, OP. He doesn't need futile external validation, but he will understand this only if YOU understand this. The most meaningful activities are their own rewards.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. My kid is the same way but only 8. And we focus on competing against yourself, doing better than you did last time, and not competing against others. But it's tough.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to help him move the focus from "winding up on top" to enjoying his life. You say he plays an instrument - is he in band? Does he have friends to hang out with? If so, in what way is he struggling to find his place?

[Anonymous]

Probably the area. For college help him find a place where he can be the big fish in the little pond.

[Anonymous]

We're doing taekwondo and Cub Scouts with our son who is not athletic. DS is still only 7 and I'm not interested in having him compete at this age, but moving up the ranks and earning belts has been good for his sense of achievement.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the responses. We tried Karate/Tae Kwon Do and Scouts, but they didn't take. DS does enjoy music, but in 6th grade the whole idea that school band can be his "group/clique" hasn't sunk in yet, although we have encouraged it. He just doesn't have that one "thing" that is his and that he knows he's good at. IMO, it's not enough that we encourage him to try new things and tell him not to worry about what his friends are doing. He's smart enough to look around and see that his peers have something that they excel at and are known to be good at and he doesn't have that yet. This is about making sure your child feels good about himself and builds self-esteem and confidence. I think it's more difficult when your kid doesn't have that something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. We tried Karate/Tae Kwon Do and Scouts, but they didn't take. DS does enjoy music, but in 6th grade the whole idea that school band can be his "group/clique" hasn't sunk in yet, although we have encouraged it. He just doesn't have that one "thing" that is his and that he knows he's good at. IMO, it's not enough that we encourage him to try new things and tell him not to worry about what his friends are doing. He's smart enough to look around and see that his peers have something that they excel at and are known to be good at and he doesn't have that yet. This is about making sure your child feels good about himself and builds self-esteem and confidence. I think it's more difficult when your kid doesn't have that something.

My good friend constantly complains about that very same thing to me, and honestly, it's starting to grate. Why is it an expectation that a child would have a passion and excel at it? Why can't kids be respected for being reasonably good at many things, even if they're not publicly recognized for it? If your child feels low-self-esteem and a lack of an extra oomph, he just needs time to come to terms with himself, which is normal. 11 year olds can't be expected to find a sense of self easily.
You have to keep on encouraging him and one day, he will understand that he is much better at certain things than others, and that he doesn't need to win.

My child is gifted and also has disabilities. There hasn't been one thing in his life he is average at, because he's either failing or way beyond grade level. That comes with enormous confusion and often conflict and misunderstandings for everybody, including him, and it's not easy to manage. My point is, we should all be grateful for what we have, and the grass isn't always greener.

[Anonymous]

OP, your child -- and one of mine, and zillions of others -- are what we lovingly refer to as a "late bloomers." Nothing in the world wrong with that, although I know it's impossible for him to see that from his 11 YO point of view. But you and DW need to keep that in mind, and keep the focus on the big picture. You know as well as I do that many of his peers that seem to be excelling now -- not to mention the ones who will be the stars in high school - will flame out fast when the real world hits, and when life starts to matter.

He will find his spot. Meanwhile, there is a lot to be said for a kid who is kind, funny, nice to the new kids, loves his pets, is polite to adults, interested in the world around him and is just generally a good person.

[Anonymous]

What about something where the rewards are not based in competition? Like a volunteer project through a church or nonprofit? There are so many strengths and talents a person can have that aren't measured through sports or competitive activities. One of my children relates very well to younger kids, and has sort of been a default tutor for his little sibling. He shines when he is asked to "babysit" his little cousins. I could see him being a great youth coach as a teenager. Can you think of something like that to encourage your son in? Maybe something like Boy Scouts? Or find some nonprofit that would welcome youth volunteers?

[Anonymous]

Jack of all trades, master of none -- that's ok. Not giving up and a strong work ethic will get him further in life.

That said. I get it. My DS is unathletic, too. Last to be picked in pickup basketball, kids don't want to pass the ball to him. I told DS he needs to practice more if he wants to get better. He's gotten a bit better, but still not at the other kids' league. But the fact that he practiced almost everyday outside is going to help him out more in the long run and is what makes me more proud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about something where the rewards are not based in competition? Like a volunteer project through a church or nonprofit? There are so many strengths and talents a person can have that aren't measured through sports or competitive activities. One of my children relates very well to younger kids, and has sort of been a default tutor for his little sibling. He shines when he is asked to "babysit" his little cousins. I could see him being a great youth coach as a teenager. Can you think of something like that to encourage your son in? Maybe something like Boy Scouts? Or find some nonprofit that would welcome youth volunteers?

Sorry, I just saw you have tried scouts. But my other ideas still stand

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know kids shouldn't win at everything and that winning isn't even the point, but damn I just wish that one time my 11 year old DS would have the feeling of success that comes with making a sports team, school leadership position, etc. He's not athletic, but is a decent student who enjoys playing instruments, competing in lego competitions. He desperately wants to find his place and in 11 years has never ended up on top. He keeps putting himself out there (and we make sure that his goals aren't unrealistic) and comes up empty, then feels worse about himself and inevitably behaves terribly for a bit because he doesn't know how to express his emotions. DW and I always tell him how proud we are that he tries, but just once I wish it would pay off for him. Not really seeking any advice, but just crossing my fingers that at some point he will see the fruits of his labor.

An individual sport like cross country might be good for him. The key to CC is improving your own time and working hard. My kid's junior high has an open cross country team. All the kids who go out make the team. The kids who letter are the kids who reach a certain level of improvement. If he went out for CC, he could also do some running training in the off season. A 10k with finisher' medals might be perfect for him. Finishing is an accomplishment and he can compete against his own times.

Karate might also be great for him. Progression is based on work and self-discipline, but every kid can do it. He will succeed in a karate class, if he works at it.

[Anonymous]

OP Here again. These are some of the kinder and productive responses that I've received in quite some time. Thanks to all and agreed that DW and I need to remember that we have a great kid and that it's a long journey to the finish line. Yes, he struggles in many ways, but also has strengths. We will continue to love and support.