Can't my kid win just one time?

[Anonymous]

My good friend constantly complains about that very same thing to me, and honestly, it's starting to grate. Why is it an expectation that a child would have a passion and excel at it? Why can't kids be respected for being reasonably good at many things, even if they're not publicly recognized for it? If your child feels low-self-esteem and a lack of an extra oomph, he just needs time to come to terms with himself, which is normal. 11 year olds can't be expected to find a sense of self easily.
You have to keep on encouraging him and one day, he will understand that he is much better at certain things than others, and that he doesn't need to win.

My child is gifted and also has disabilities. There hasn't been one thing in his life he is average at, because he's either failing or way beyond grade level. That comes with enormous confusion and often conflict and misunderstandings for everybody, including him, and it's not easy to manage. My point is, we should all be grateful for what we have, and the grass isn't always greener.

I totally agree. Two of my kids (boys) are just like the PPs, except they're not gifted. We aspire to average. We've worked really hard with them (and spent a lot of money on therapies) to help them identify what they like to do and develop their skills. They're never going to be great at these things (again, we aspire to 'average). But, document their progress, see how much they've improved. talk about doing things because we enjoy them and doing your best. If you haven't already, I suggest you read Carol Dweck's work on "Mindset".

[Anonymous]

OP, how does a kid excel in Boy Scouts? It's a group thing. It's where he can be part of a group. Maybe he could excel in that by earning all the badges?

[Anonymous]

Can't he just do activities that he enjoys? Who cares if he is the absolute best at something? Extracurricular things are supposed to be for fun.
(Signed, mom of two very average kids)

[Anonymous]

He needs to change his mind-set. His goal shouldn't be to win. It should be to participate and do his best. I was very into acting as a kid. I am not good-looking and never ever got a lead role. But I was always on time, had each entire play memorized, sang and danced my heart out, encouraged others, and my dad was always down to carpool other kids to rehearsals. I loved the acting portion of my childhood, even though I never got to be Auntie Mame. Why? I had a great attitude going in.

[Anonymous]

Methinks the OP unconsciously imprinted all her ambitions onto her kid and now they are both disappointed that he isn't up to the challenge.

[Anonymous]

my "Last to be picked in pickup basketball, kids don't want to pass the ball to him" 10-YO thinks he's the best 10-yo badminton player in the world, because he is getting ever so close to beating me (not really). but after playing almost everyday in the summer he indeed is better than his older brother, and is very proud of his game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jack of all trades, master of none -- that's ok. Not giving up and a strong work ethic will get him further in life.

That said. I get it. My DS is unathletic, too. Last to be picked in pickup basketball, kids don't want to pass the ball to him. I told DS he needs to practice more if he wants to get better. He's gotten a bit better, but still not at the other kids' league. But the fact that he practiced almost everyday outside is going to help him out more in the long run and is what makes me more proud.

I'll take this a step further. This phrase actually bothered me at a pretty young age. I realized that at maybe 12 that "jack of all trades" was actually pretty damn good- which has served me well to know my whole life! Jacks of all trades tend to be able to go from thing to thing as an adult and do pretty well in them, even if not the best. I've actually always thought my biggest strength is that I am pretty good at a bunch of things, even though I'm not the best at any one thing. Its nice to just be able to jump in and try something because you have done XYZ that is somewhat similar at sometime. The "master" and "passion" memes kind of always sounded stifling to me. Now I also think that there are those who have inate ability (my nephew is just a sick athlete so he gets to be both the jack of all trades AND have a passion for one sport that he eventually picked over others) but those people still are served better by being moderately good at a bunch of things and not just a single tracked master.

That said, at his age its tough. Hang in there OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. We tried Karate/Tae Kwon Do and Scouts, but they didn't take. DS does enjoy music, but in 6th grade the whole idea that school band can be his "group/clique" hasn't sunk in yet, although we have encouraged it. He just doesn't have that one "thing" that is his and that he knows he's good at. IMO, it's not enough that we encourage him to try new things and tell him not to worry about what his friends are doing. He's smart enough to look around and see that his peers have something that they excel at and are known to be good at and he doesn't have that yet. This is about making sure your child feels good about himself and builds self-esteem and confidence. I think it's more difficult when your kid doesn't have that something.

I have a suspicion that your son got to karate and found out that it's a lot of hard work and didn't want to put in the work. If your son wants to "win" at something, he has to put in the daily grind of getting better at it. If he doesn't put in the work, he isn't going to "win." You need to nip his attitude in the bud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Methinks the OP unconsciously imprinted all her ambitions onto her kid and now they are both disappointed that he isn't up to the challenge.

Oh, stuff it. "Methinks"!

[Anonymous]

Wow, what kind of values are you teaching your son? Childhood should be about learning and having fun and being a good friend and responsible family member. Not about "achieving" success over others. Step back, please.

[Anonymous]

Tether Ball

Fishing

BB gun with targets

[Anonymous]

The lesson I taught my kid about never being the one on the podium getting the medal was that the point of the activity was to try your best and learn how to approach an obstacle from a different angle and then try again. The lesson she taught me was that I wanted her to win while she just wanted to belong and participate. Happiness doesn't necessarily require accolades sometimes seeing incremental progress in a long struggle is a reward. I thought a lot about this two weeks ago when a friend of my DD's majoring in chemical engineering jumped off a building because the school servers were down and she couldn't turn in her homework. Being taught how to lose and regroup is just as important as winning.

[Anonymous]

Life is long Op. These kids who haven't "won" yet have a lifetime ahead of them. They are building skills, ways to cope, resilience that will matter for the bigger picture. I saw friends of my daughter propped-up by parents - kids who achieved, well, really didn't achieve as much as it looked like from the outside - because the parents were the puppet-master, and very good at getting their kids recognized for every little thing. Those kids had a much harder time with disappointment - and navigating reality - late high school/early adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Methinks the OP unconsciously imprinted all her ambitions onto her kid and now they are both disappointed that he isn't up to the challenge.

Oh, stuff it. "Methinks"!

"Methinks" should be banned from this board. It is so passive and ridiculous and not at all cute.

[Anonymous]

Does he practice to win or is he mostly a dabbler?

I have a dabbler with a ton of potential in many areas. He doesn't usually win because he doesn't usually approach tasks and challenges like a winner.