At risk 17 year oLd - need help desperately

[Anonymous]

I have a 17 year old son in a well-known rigorous academic program in MCPS. He is intelligent, funny, and caring. While he is a very bright kid, he lacks discipline and drive to perform as well as he could in school. He does not play any sports and has given up on many extracurricular activities over the years. In the recent years, he has not interacted with school friends as much and has been very invested in online friends. In school he has a few friends who are not part of the academic program (very selective). He feels he is not as smart as his other friends. His GPA is average, but his test scores are excellent.

Recently I learned that with the help of a friend from his school he has tried marijuana this summer and intends to try other drugs. I have talked with him about my disapproval and disappointment. He believes the concern over drug use is overrated in the society. In addition to his recent curiosity about drugs, he is dealing with breakup with his first serious long-distance girlfriend.

He is supposed to be focusing on college application at this time, but is not too engaged. My DH and I work fulltime and extremely stressed over this situation. Our interaction with him is very unpleasant. We would like him to focus on college application and graduating from school successfully, however things seems to going downhill pretty fast. He has seen one psychologist in the past, but only for two sessions. I am considering engaging a psychologist again asap. However, I am also considering taking him out of school, if that would help. I am scared, disheartened and feel helpless. Would like to hear from anyone else who has experienced this and has any suggestion.

Also, please suggest any counselor in this area who can help my son.

[Anonymous]

I would not take him out of school. If he is going and can graduate (even if his grades are not what they should be), you should encourage that. What will he do if he is not in school? He will be home and you will be at work and there will be way too many idle hours on his hands. (I am dealing with this situation myself.) Also, even if his engagement with his schoolmates is limited, more social contact is almost always better.

I do think counseling would help. I'm not sure where you are, but Rathbone and Associates in Bethesda has several great therapists who specialize in adolescent boys.

We have been dealing with this for several years and attempted school changes and various other things that did not help. What finally helped was a good psychiatrist who diagnosed depression and anxiety, a neuropsych exam which showed us some learning style issues (not LDs per se but areas of difficulty) and ADD. (Totally surprised by that.) I'm not saying your DS has any of these issues (or any issues at all), but we wandered around in the weeds for a very long time before assembling the team that really helped us.

As far as your interactions with him, we have had a great deal of conflict during this time and one of the many turning points was taking a Dan Shapiro class which emphasized building and strengthening the relationship with your teenager. If you want him to listen to your advice, you have to build/strenghten bonds with him on many other levels first. Support him, understand that he his trying to figure life out and although he is making choices that you don't always agree with, let him know that you love him and are with him in this process.

Good luck. I totally get how stressful this is.

[Anonymous]

When I read this I feel as though no matter what your son does it is not going to be good enough. Average GPA in a magnet or whatever program is amazing.. but you talk about him like he is lazy and not good enough.

He knows you feel this way so he is rebelling. If my best is not good enough for you why should I try syndrome.

You need to take some Family Leave (if you work so much) and get YOURSELF family therapy ASAP. Then the counselor can explain why your dynamic with your son is toxic for him, you need to accept some blame in this. Then you can make amends with your son with the help of a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Take a deep breath. Your son is getting average grades in a good program, has friends, and smoked some weed over the summer. He's hardly "at risk." I really don't get why you're so stressed an why you would even think about yanking him out of school. He sounds like a perfectly normal teenager. He needs a little help getting organized and motivated. You might talk to a counselor at school about how to facilitate the college application process.

[Anonymous]

OP, what is he at risk of? Here are the facts from your post:

1. He's in the Blair STEM magnet or at RM IB.
2. He doesn't play sports.
3. He interacts more with friends on line than in real life.
4. His grades at the Blair STEM magnet or RM IB are average, his test scores are excellent.
5. He has tried marijuana.
6. He broke up with his long-distance girlfriend.
7. He is not as focused on his college applications as you want him to be.
8. You and your husband fight about the college applications with him.

What, specifically, are you worried about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not take him out of school. If he is going and can graduate (even if his grades are not what they should be), you should encourage that. What will he do if he is not in school? He will be home and you will be at work and there will be way too many idle hours on his hands. (I am dealing with this situation myself.) Also, even if his engagement with his schoolmates is limited, more social contact is almost always better.

I do think counseling would help. I'm not sure where you are, but Rathbone and Associates in Bethesda has several great therapists who specialize in adolescent boys.

We have been dealing with this for several years and attempted school changes and various other things that did not help. What finally helped was a good psychiatrist who diagnosed depression and anxiety, a neuropsych exam which showed us some learning style issues (not LDs per se but areas of difficulty) and ADD. (Totally surprised by that.) I'm not saying your DS has any of these issues (or any issues at all), but we wandered around in the weeds for a very long time before assembling the team that really helped us.

As far as your interactions with him, we have had a great deal of conflict during this time and one of the many turning points was taking a Dan Shapiro class which emphasized building and strengthening the relationship with your teenager. If you want him to listen to your advice, you have to build/strenghten bonds with him on many other levels first. Support him, understand that he his trying to figure life out and although he is making choices that you don't always agree with, let him know that you love him and are with him in this process.

Good luck. I totally get how stressful this is.

Thank you for your understanding and pointers to where we should be looking.

I am going to look into Dan Shapiro's classes and see if DH and I can attend and also look for a psychologist.

What kind of psychologist should I be looking? As for Psychiatrist, I need to understand the path. Can you please help me understand how you approached it. Did you just went to one you found or there are some kind of experience I should be looking. I had talked about possibility of neuropsych issue with DS's pediatrician and he had ruled it out. According to him if DS can sit in front of the computer doing what he likes for hours - he does not have ADHD or ADD...should I ask for any specific issue. I am totally exhausted and very worried that I am leaving DS in danger if I do not act quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take a deep breath. Your son is getting average grades in a good program, has friends, and smoked some weed over the summer. He's hardly "at risk." I really don't get why you're so stressed an why you would even think about yanking him out of school. He sounds like a perfectly normal teenager. He needs a little help getting organized and motivated. You might talk to a counselor at school about how to facilitate the college application process.

I'm not sure why you are so upset? Is there more than this? He sounds like a good kid, honestly. Take him out of school so that he can do what instead?

[Anonymous]

OP,

I am reading a book called The Teenage Brain, written by neurologist Frances Jensen, in which she demonstrates (with graphs and quotes directly from research papers) why the teen brain is particularly vulnerable to drugs of any kind, alcohol and lack of sleep. She has a whole chapter on marijuana.

Please read it and discuss it with your son. He is not to blame for thinking pot is harmless - look at the new legislation coming out.

He should be smart enough and rational enough to admit that he is putting himself at risk, right at the moment when he can afford it the least.

I assume he has debilitating anxiety and that is why he is withdrawing and finding other sources of interaction? Tell him that college isn't the be-all, end-all. That all you want is that he doesn't close all the doors thoughtlessly.

A good person to talk to would be Dr. Bill Stixrud, a well-known psychologist with a practice in Silver Spring. He makes a living talking to underperforming teens whose parents are panicked

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Thank you for your understanding and pointers to where we should be looking.

I am going to look into Dan Shapiro's classes and see if DH and I can attend and also look for a psychologist.

What kind of psychologist should I be looking? As for Psychiatrist, I need to understand the path. Can you please help me understand how you approached it. Did you just went to one you found or there are some kind of experience I should be looking. I had talked about possibility of neuropsych issue with DS's pediatrician and he had ruled it out. According to him if DS can sit in front of the computer doing what he likes for hours - he does not have ADHD or ADD...should I ask for any specific issue. I am totally exhausted and very worried that I am leaving DS in danger if I do not act quickly.

In danger of what?

[Anonymous]

Why on earth would you take him out of school?

I wouldn't worry about the marijuana experimentation. Most people try it at least once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is he at risk of? Here are the facts from your post:

1. He's in the Blair STEM magnet or at RM IB.
2. He doesn't play sports.
3. He interacts more with friends on line than in real life.
4. His grades at the Blair STEM magnet or RM IB are average, his test scores are excellent.
5. He has tried marijuana.
6. He broke up with his long-distance girlfriend.
7. He is not as focused on his college applications as you want him to be.
8. You and your husband fight about the college applications with him.

What, specifically, are you worried about?

I am frankly not worried about DS's grade. I was explaining the background that he used to have friends in school who have better GPA than he has and he feel out of place in their company. So, he has befriended many online friends (who he has not met in person). For example, he is one of the NMSF, which is a great thing for any HS kid. But for DS, it is giving him an impostor syndrome. He does not want to fill out the NMF application because he feels he would be rejected. He is unhappy being a NMSF I am worried that he is very depressed.

About the issue with drug, I would probably be fine if I knew he tried this and it was just an event...but he thinks it is okay to try other drugs and has developed the belief that the reaction to drug abuse in the society is overreaction. So, I am worried that he would try other drugs and possibly get into health and/or legal trouble now or as soon as he is in college.

He is not focused on college application, yes that bothers me, but that has not given me sleepless nights yet.

The possibility of depression and self-esteem issue resulting in drug abuse in the senior year or in college is scaring the hell out of me.

[Anonymous]

OP - You and DH might benefit from Family Counseling now because you both can't be piling your angst about what your son's future may or nay not look like according to your expected path for his life and your own. At the same time you would also be sharing the family issues and able to seek guidance from an experienced therapist on what to focus on and what to let go and how to support your son in helping him find the professional help he may need. It is not unusual at all for a mental health condition to surface in late teens or 20s for high performing student, and often the trigger is not so much the parents but the fear of the unknown and a perceived or real lack of coping skills in considering it. And this reality may or may not even be evident to your son.

You may need to perhaps reframe your worry about having "A son who is depressed and with low self-esteem having to see a psychiatrist for official diagnosis and medication management along with seeing a psychologist (or similarly trained therapist) for counseling" into a positive statement because a health issue is in need of identification and perhaps rigorous treatment. How is it different than if you found your son had cancer and needed immediate treatment? And I do understand this is perhaps something that you worry about how it may possibly l appear to others if the word gets out or to a college in the future. Well all I can say is that it is much better to get the mental health issue identified and the process of getting things figured out and helping your son realize his outlook and daily life can improve and understand why with possibly the appropriate medication and therapy, then to suddenly get a crisis call from a college setting. [b]Do you really want DS to reach a crisis point next fall on a college campus needlessly. We went through this 20 years ago with our oldest daughter, and it was much harder than it would have been had we identified the issues while a senior in high school. I have shared on other threads that it took a decade for things to really settle down. So just save yourself and your son needless suffering by getting started. And it may just mean that someone you or DH may need to take some time away from the full-time job to get a handle on things.

[Anonymous]

Tell him that good jobs don't allow drug users

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is he at risk of? Here are the facts from your post:

1. He's in the Blair STEM magnet or at RM IB.
2. He doesn't play sports.
3. He interacts more with friends on line than in real life.
4. His grades at the Blair STEM magnet or RM IB are average, his test scores are excellent.
5. He has tried marijuana.
6. He broke up with his long-distance girlfriend.
7. He is not as focused on his college applications as you want him to be.
8. You and your husband fight about the college applications with him.

What, specifically, are you worried about?

I am frankly not worried about DS's grade. I was explaining the background that he used to have friends in school who have better GPA than he has and he feel out of place in their company. So, he has befriended many online friends (who he has not met in person). For example, he is one of the NMSF, which is a great thing for any HS kid. But for DS, it is giving him an impostor syndrome. He does not want to fill out the NMF application because he feels he would be rejected. He is unhappy being a NMSF I am worried that he is very depressed.

About the issue with drug, I would probably be fine if I knew he tried this and it was just an event...but he thinks it is okay to try other drugs and has developed the belief that the reaction to drug abuse in the society is overreaction. So, I am worried that he would try other drugs and possibly get into health and/or legal trouble now or as soon as he is in college.

He is not focused on college application, yes that bothers me, but that has not given me sleepless nights yet.

The possibility of depression and self-esteem issue resulting in drug abuse in the senior year or in college is scaring the hell out of me.

Honestly, he just sounds like he is freaking about the transition from high school to college a little bit. He could benefit from seeing a therapist who specializes in CBT to talk about his plans and what he wants to do and what will help him do that.

I'd put him in therapy with those goals ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Thank you for your understanding and pointers to where we should be looking.

I am going to look into Dan Shapiro's classes and see if DH and I can attend and also look for a psychologist.

What kind of psychologist should I be looking? As for Psychiatrist, I need to understand the path. Can you please help me understand how you approached it. Did you just went to one you found or there are some kind of experience I should be looking. I had talked about possibility of neuropsych issue with DS's pediatrician and he had ruled it out. According to him if DS can sit in front of the computer doing what he likes for hours - he does not have ADHD or ADD...should I ask for any specific issue. I am totally exhausted and very worried that I am leaving DS in danger if I do not act quickly.

I posted before but only just saw this. The bolded above is completely wrong, as any ADHD expert or any parent of an ADHD kid will tell you! Don't even bother with your ped - they don't know a thing about any of this, seriously.
Dysregulation of attention, as ADHD should be called, is when a child's motivation circuits are not working properly, making any boring task such as homework impossible to focus on, and any rewarding task such as video games impossible to draw away from. ADHD often comes with anxiety, since children know they're capable of doing better but can't figure out why they're not doing it. They may believe themselves to be stupid or lazy, and get stressed out as a result and may just withdraw.

The Stixrud practice that I mentioned before does full neuropsychological evaluations, including IQ testing and ADHD testing. Note that it's very difficult to get reimbursed and it costs anywhere from 3-4K.