At risk 17 year oLd - need help desperately

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP - You and DH might benefit from Family Counseling now because you both can't be piling your angst about what your son's future may or nay not look like according to your expected path for his life and your own. At the same time you would also be sharing the family issues and able to seek guidance from an experienced therapist on what to focus on and what to let go and how to support your son in helping him find the professional help he may need. It is not unusual at all for a mental health condition to surface in late teens or 20s for high performing student, and often the trigger is not so much the parents but the fear of the unknown and a perceived or real lack of coping skills in considering it. And this reality may or may not even be evident to your son.

You may need to perhaps reframe your worry about having "A son who is depressed and with low self-esteem having to see a psychiatrist for official diagnosis and medication management along with seeing a psychologist (or similarly trained therapist) for counseling" into a positive statement because a health issue is in need of identification and perhaps rigorous treatment. How is it different than if you found your son had cancer and needed immediate treatment? And I do understand this is perhaps something that you worry about how it may possibly l appear to others if the word gets out or to a college in the future. Well all I can say is that it is much better to get the mental health issue identified and the process of getting things figured out and helping your son realize his outlook and daily life can improve and understand why with possibly the appropriate medication and therapy, then to suddenly get a crisis call from a college setting. [b]Do you really want DS to reach a crisis point next fall on a college campus needlessly. We went through this 20 years ago with our oldest daughter, and it was much harder than it would have been had we identified the issues while a senior in high school. I have shared on other threads that it took a decade for things to really settle down. So just save yourself and your son needless suffering by getting started. And it may just mean that someone you or DH may need to take some time away from the full-time job to get a handle on things.

Ok, may brain is overworked and I am not explaining myself well. Yes, I need counselling too. I am not dealing with this crisis well.

Let me try to explain myself again. I am not too (may be a tiny bit) worried that how the diagnosis and process would look in college app or to the others. I am much more worried that until we get it resolved through the therapy etc. would DS get into health or legal issues by depending on drugs to make himself happy. It might prolong into college and if he goes somewhere far and the issue is not resolved by then, will he fall out of any therapy etc. Will he succumb to bad peer pressure and do far worse thing.

[Anonymous]

OP, you really sound like you are extremely anxious. I'm not saying that you may not have a reason to be, but it is not at all obvious by your first post that there is anything seriously wrong with your son that is meriting your reaction.

Your son is a teenager. It is normal for them to drift, to try pot, to be depressed when they break up with a girlfriend and to make friends online. Your pediatrician is absolutely wrong and unethical to rule out a diagnosis based on one criterium, and he happens to be dead wrong about ruling out based on THAT criterium. Kids with ADHD hyper focus and can do tasks for hours. He/she couldn't be more wrong.

If I were you I'd go to a parenting specialist and test the waters to see if your son is a normal teenager or at risk. At risk behaviors are things like cutting school, getting into fights, failing, doing drugs and drinking and several other things that you haven't mentioned.

Get yourself some resources before you turn his world upside down, you need someone to strategize a game plan with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you really sound like you are extremely anxious. I'm not saying that you may not have a reason to be, but it is not at all obvious by your first post that there is anything seriously wrong with your son that is meriting your reaction.

Your son is a teenager. It is normal for them to drift, to try pot, to be depressed when they break up with a girlfriend and to make friends online. Your pediatrician is absolutely wrong and unethical to rule out a diagnosis based on one criterium, and he happens to be dead wrong about ruling out based on THAT criterium. Kids with ADHD hyper focus and can do tasks for hours. He/she couldn't be more wrong.

If I were you I'd go to a parenting specialist and test the waters to see if your son is a normal teenager or at risk. At risk behaviors are things like cutting school, getting into fights, failing, doing drugs and drinking and several other things that you haven't mentioned.

Get yourself some resources before you turn his world upside down, you need someone to strategize a game plan with you.

What is a parenting specialist? I am open to any suggestion pointing me to right resources. He has tried drugs and plans to try more. He is trying talking to his friends about trying other drugs. May be I am overly anxious... but I do not want him to continue in the slippery slope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you really sound like you are extremely anxious. I'm not saying that you may not have a reason to be, but it is not at all obvious by your first post that there is anything seriously wrong with your son that is meriting your reaction.

Your son is a teenager. It is normal for them to drift, to try pot, to be depressed when they break up with a girlfriend and to make friends online. Your pediatrician is absolutely wrong and unethical to rule out a diagnosis based on one criterium, and he happens to be dead wrong about ruling out based on THAT criterium. Kids with ADHD hyper focus and can do tasks for hours. He/she couldn't be more wrong.

If I were you I'd go to a parenting specialist and test the waters to see if your son is a normal teenager or at risk. At risk behaviors are things like cutting school, getting into fights, failing, doing drugs and drinking and several other things that you haven't mentioned.

Get yourself some resources before you turn his world upside down, you need someone to strategize a game plan with you.

What is a parenting specialist? I am open to any suggestion pointing me to right resources. He has tried drugs and plans to try more. He is trying talking to his friends about trying other drugs. May be I am overly anxious... but I do not want him to continue in the slippery slope.

We went to a family therapist to work on parenting skills. I am not the PP but I think that is what she is saying, a family therapist (for you and your H, not DS).

These are issues parents deal with ... you probably just need skills on how to deal with them.

[Anonymous]

Op, it is more likely that YOU are going to screw this up.

Let him be

See how this turns out. He is almost an adult. He is breaking away from you which is normal.

[Anonymous]

For the college application process, I'd suggest doing the following:

1. Stop micromanaging your son. The main effect will be to harm your relationship with him. And less hinges on him getting this together right now than you think it does.
2. As you back off on the day-to-day stuff, make clear your broader expectations to him. If he doesn't get into college, what will you do? Under what conditions will you allow him to keep living at home? What will you contribute financially toward college, and does this depend on his academic performance either now or in college?

It's time for him to be doing this for himself, not because mom and dad are making him do them. If he's not ready to manage the college application process for himself (with help when he requests it from you), maybe he'd benefit from a year of working or going to community college closer to home. If that happens, that's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not take him out of school. If he is going and can graduate (even if his grades are not what they should be), you should encourage that. What will he do if he is not in school? He will be home and you will be at work and there will be way too many idle hours on his hands. (I am dealing with this situation myself.) Also, even if his engagement with his schoolmates is limited, more social contact is almost always better.

I do think counseling would help. I'm not sure where you are, but Rathbone and Associates in Bethesda has several great therapists who specialize in adolescent boys.

We have been dealing with this for several years and attempted school changes and various other things that did not help. What finally helped was a good psychiatrist who diagnosed depression and anxiety, a neuropsych exam which showed us some learning style issues (not LDs per se but areas of difficulty) and ADD. (Totally surprised by that.) I'm not saying your DS has any of these issues (or any issues at all), but we wandered around in the weeds for a very long time before assembling the team that really helped us.

As far as your interactions with him, we have had a great deal of conflict during this time and one of the many turning points was taking a Dan Shapiro class which emphasized building and strengthening the relationship with your teenager. If you want him to listen to your advice, you have to build/strenghten bonds with him on many other levels first. Support him, understand that he his trying to figure life out and although he is making choices that you don't always agree with, let him know that you love him and are with him in this process.

Good luck. I totally get how stressful this is.

Thank you for your understanding and pointers to where we should be looking.

I am going to look into Dan Shapiro's classes and see if DH and I can attend and also look for a psychologist.

What kind of psychologist should I be looking? As for Psychiatrist, I need to understand the path. Can you please help me understand how you approached it. Did you just went to one you found or there are some kind of experience I should be looking. I had talked about possibility of neuropsych issue with DS's pediatrician and he had ruled it out. According to him if DS can sit in front of the computer doing what he likes for hours - he does not have ADHD or ADD...should I ask for any specific issue. I am totally exhausted and very worried that I am leaving DS in danger if I do not act quickly.

Personally, I would start with a good therapist. See what he or she recommends from there. Family therapy is also a good idea.

Are his academic issues only from this year? What your ped said about ADD is completely wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not take him out of school. If he is going and can graduate (even if his grades are not what they should be), you should encourage that. What will he do if he is not in school? He will be home and you will be at work and there will be way too many idle hours on his hands. (I am dealing with this situation myself.) Also, even if his engagement with his schoolmates is limited, more social contact is almost always better.

I do think counseling would help. I'm not sure where you are, but Rathbone and Associates in Bethesda has several great therapists who specialize in adolescent boys.

We have been dealing with this for several years and attempted school changes and various other things that did not help. What finally helped was a good psychiatrist who diagnosed depression and anxiety, a neuropsych exam which showed us some learning style issues (not LDs per se but areas of difficulty) and ADD. (Totally surprised by that.) I'm not saying your DS has any of these issues (or any issues at all), but we wandered around in the weeds for a very long time before assembling the team that really helped us.

As far as your interactions with him, we have had a great deal of conflict during this time and one of the many turning points was taking a Dan Shapiro class which emphasized building and strengthening the relationship with your teenager. If you want him to listen to your advice, you have to build/strenghten bonds with him on many other levels first. Support him, understand that he his trying to figure life out and although he is making choices that you don't always agree with, let him know that you love him and are with him in this process.

Good luck. I totally get how stressful this is.

Thank you for your understanding and pointers to where we should be looking.

I am going to look into Dan Shapiro's classes and see if DH and I can attend and also look for a psychologist.

What kind of psychologist should I be looking? As for Psychiatrist, I need to understand the path. Can you please help me understand how you approached it. Did you just went to one you found or there are some kind of experience I should be looking. I had talked about possibility of neuropsych issue with DS's pediatrician and he had ruled it out. According to him if DS can sit in front of the computer doing what he likes for hours - he does not have ADHD or ADD...should I ask for any specific issue. I am totally exhausted and very worried that I am leaving DS in danger if I do not act quickly.

Personally, I would start with a good therapist. See what he or she recommends from there. Family therapy is also a good idea.

Are his academic issues only from this year? What your ped said about ADD is completely wrong.

Can anyone please suggest a few Teen Therapist and family therapist in Montgomery county.

His academic issues have been there for a few years. He procrastinates, and does not at all study subjects that is difficult. In the process he gets B's by fraction of points many times. Feels bad every semester and plans to study from the beginning next time. However forgets all that when classes roll in. He is also does not handle multiple priorities at the same time. I read somewhere that some kids lack executive functions and these are the symptoms. Just do not know how to help. Have asked the ped several times and he believes a B+ is fine. A B+ would be fine if that is his best and he feels confident about it. But not fine if he is under performing and keeps himself away from school scenes because of his academic performance. DS also has mentioned not being able to stay on task and focus and has asked if I can get him Aderall (he has heard of this friends who have ADHD).

[Anonymous]

I think you and your husband also need therapy. The fact that you are so anxious and scared about completely normal teenage behavior is not healthy.

Your son gets Bs at a good school. He apparently smoked pot once or twice. He has friends. It might help him to talk to a therapist if there are any issues that are bothering him. Maybe a school counselor can help get him organized with respect to the college applications. But, you being exhausted and terrified and thinking he is in imminent danger is going to create its own set of problems.

[Anonymous]

Get him tested for ADHD and executive function.

It sounds like he is smart but struggling owing to some problem like this. I do not share others' views, OP, that you are wrong to be worried. It is exactly situations like this where the teenage brain is not your friend. Teens can so easily become discouraged and decide to pack it all in, sliding in their academics and finding other interests like drugs.

That your DS has declared his interest in trying other drugs is a red flag to me. There are some dangerous ones out there that can make him feel very good in the moment and then you have an addiction problem to deal with. You will be very lucky if his drug of choice in this regard is marijuana instead of, say, cocaine or heroin. But that he has tried marijuana and wants to experiment with others says to me marijuana isn't quite doing it for him, putting him at risk of harder drugs.

Even if this happens, though there is hope. You may think having your child addicted to hard drugs is the end of the world as you know it. But it isn't. There are plenty of success stories out there. I am practically bursting from pride over how well my formerly hard drug addicted DC is doing. Of course you'd rather not have to go through an addiction. I'm just saying that the worse you are imagining right now can still actually turn out all right over time.

[Anonymous]

Studies have shown that individual with untreated ADHD are at risk of experimenting with drugs to cope and self medicate. I don't know that your son, OP, has ADHD. I am following on from the previous poster who makes some good points. You owe it to your son to rule out attentional or learning issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not take him out of school. If he is going and can graduate (even if his grades are not what they should be), you should encourage that. What will he do if he is not in school? He will be home and you will be at work and there will be way too many idle hours on his hands. (I am dealing with this situation myself.) Also, even if his engagement with his schoolmates is limited, more social contact is almost always better.

I do think counseling would help. I'm not sure where you are, but Rathbone and Associates in Bethesda has several great therapists who specialize in adolescent boys.

We have been dealing with this for several years and attempted school changes and various other things that did not help. What finally helped was a good psychiatrist who diagnosed depression and anxiety, a neuropsych exam which showed us some learning style issues (not LDs per se but areas of difficulty) and ADD. (Totally surprised by that.) I'm not saying your DS has any of these issues (or any issues at all), but we wandered around in the weeds for a very long time before assembling the team that really helped us.

As far as your interactions with him, we have had a great deal of conflict during this time and one of the many turning points was taking a Dan Shapiro class which emphasized building and strengthening the relationship with your teenager. If you want him to listen to your advice, you have to build/strenghten bonds with him on many other levels first. Support him, understand that he his trying to figure life out and although he is making choices that you don't always agree with, let him know that you love him and are with him in this process.

Good luck. I totally get how stressful this is.

Thank you for your understanding and pointers to where we should be looking.

I am going to look into Dan Shapiro's classes and see if DH and I can attend and also look for a psychologist.

What kind of psychologist should I be looking? As for Psychiatrist, I need to understand the path. Can you please help me understand how you approached it. Did you just went to one you found or there are some kind of experience I should be looking. I had talked about possibility of neuropsych issue with DS's pediatrician and he had ruled it out. According to him if DS can sit in front of the computer doing what he likes for hours - he does not have ADHD or ADD...should I ask for any specific issue. I am totally exhausted and very worried that I am leaving DS in danger if I do not act quickly.

Personally, I would start with a good therapist. See what he or she recommends from there. Family therapy is also a good idea.

Are his academic issues only from this year? What your ped said about ADD is completely wrong.

Can anyone please suggest a few Teen Therapist and family therapist in Montgomery county.

His academic issues have been there for a few years. He procrastinates, and does not at all study subjects that is difficult. In the process he gets B's by fraction of points many times. Feels bad every semester and plans to study from the beginning next time. However forgets all that when classes roll in. He is also does not handle multiple priorities at the same time. I read somewhere that some kids lack executive functions and these are the symptoms. Just do not know how to help. Have asked the ped several times and he believes a B+ is fine. A B+ would be fine if that is his best and he feels confident about it. But not fine if he is under performing and keeps himself away from school scenes because of his academic performance. DS also has mentioned not being able to stay on task and focus and has asked if I can get him Aderall (he has heard of this friends who have ADHD).

I know several people who have been happy with Dr. Wagner at Expressive Therapy. I'm familiar with the office in Rockville, but I think they have a Bethesda location too.
http://www.expressivetherapycenter.com/

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the responses, but: Are you freaking kidding me? You're way overreacting. This is normal teen behaviour. Your child is not "at risk" and it's insulting and shortsighted to think that he is. Get a grip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the responses, but: Are you freaking kidding me? You're way overreacting. This is normal teen behaviour. Your child is not "at risk" and it's insulting and shortsighted to think that he is. Get a grip.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I am reading a book called The Teenage Brain, written by neurologist Frances Jensen, in which she demonstrates (with graphs and quotes directly from research papers) why the teen brain is particularly vulnerable to drugs of any kind, alcohol and lack of sleep. She has a whole chapter on marijuana.

Please read it and discuss it with your son. He is not to blame for thinking pot is harmless - look at the new legislation coming out.

He should be smart enough and rational enough to admit that he is putting himself at risk, right at the moment when he can afford it the least.

I assume he has debilitating anxiety and that is why he is withdrawing and finding other sources of interaction? Tell him that college isn't the be-all, end-all. That all you want is that he doesn't close all the doors thoughtlessly.

A good person to talk to would be Dr. Bill Stixrud, a well-known psychologist with a practice in Silver Spring. He makes a living talking to underperforming teens whose parents are panicked