At risk 17 year oLd - need help desperately

[Anonymous]

I'm not seeing a crisis here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not seeing a crisis here.

well, he's only getting B+ at a rigorous program.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not seeing a crisis here.

well, he's only getting B+ at a rigorous program.

OP here. i am guessing that my concern over this scenario is misrepresented. B+ is not the crisis. His unusual recent circle of friends, his recent inclination to try drugs, his withdrawal from familiar friends along with his low self esteem is the crisis. i beleieve we all do not share the same opinion about a family situation. But for us, it is source of stress and anxiety. I need some help to figure this out while growing as a parent of a possibly depressed child who is about to step into the world by himself. i am trying to gather feedback from other parents who have experienced similar situation.

[Anonymous]

Can you try saying to yourself "My kid is going through a difficult phase." A difficult phase is different from a crisis. Sometimes it's better to ride out a difficult phase. Marching in with the Marines can actually do more harm than good.

[Anonymous]

Your intentions are good OP and of course keep an eye on your child. No one is suggesting that you ignore it. However, it is true that you are overeacting and can possible do more harm that good. We are only a few weeks into school and it takes a little time to get over a break-up. Keep being supportive, don't over crowd your DS and tell him that he will be punished for doing drugs. But this is coming of age and some this he just needs to sort out himself, he is almost and adult. If you see more dramatic signs maybe look for some counseling but not yet. Just give him some time and space.

[Anonymous]

I haven't been a parent in this situation but I was the teenager. My grades were not great, certainly much worse than my test scores. I tried some drugs. I was definitely depressed.

This all made my mother incredibly anxious. I think that stemmed from a couple of beliefs that were not correct:
1. That it was within her control to fix the situation.
2. That if she didn't fix it, very bad things were going to happen.

These were not true! There was very little she could do to control the situation. And, I am happy to say, no very bad things happened.

By 17, you really need to cede some control and accept that they need to figure out their own path. You can offer him resources like counseling. You can say "we are not going to continue to support you next year unless you're in college and getting good grades." But that's about the level at which you should be managing things.

The nice thing about being a very bright teenager with involved, professional parents is that, unless you really screw up (and possibly even then), you just keep getting chances. If this year goes really poorly for him, he has a lot of options that still wind up with him at a very selective college. And even more that don't end up with him at a very selective college, but still wind up with him happy and educated and doing something great, and with you having a happy relationship with him.

It is your choice whether to make your relationship with him focused on your anxiety and unmet expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Thank you for your understanding and pointers to where we should be looking.

I am going to look into Dan Shapiro's classes and see if DH and I can attend and also look for a psychologist.

What kind of psychologist should I be looking? As for Psychiatrist, I need to understand the path. Can you please help me understand how you approached it. Did you just went to one you found or there are some kind of experience I should be looking. I had talked about possibility of neuropsych issue with DS's pediatrician and he had ruled it out. According to him if DS can sit in front of the computer doing what he likes for hours - he does not have ADHD or ADD...should I ask for any specific issue. I am totally exhausted and very worried that I am leaving DS in danger if I do not act quickly.

I posted before but only just saw this. The bolded above is completely wrong, as any ADHD expert or any parent of an ADHD kid will tell you! Don't even bother with your ped - they don't know a thing about any of this, seriously.
Dysregulation of attention, as ADHD should be called, is when a child's motivation circuits are not working properly, making any boring task such as homework impossible to focus on, and any rewarding task such as video games impossible to draw away from. ADHD often comes with anxiety, since children know they're capable of doing better but can't figure out why they're not doing it. They may believe themselves to be stupid or lazy, and get stressed out as a result and may just withdraw.

The Stixrud practice that I mentioned before does full neuropsychological evaluations, including IQ testing and ADHD testing. Note that it's very difficult to get reimbursed and it costs anywhere from 3-4K.

This is spot on. My dd is 9 and has ADHD. Last winter, she did rainbow loom bracelets for 12 hours straight on a Saturday. Yet homework was a terrible awful time for us because she couldn't focus. She is finally medicated and does so much better with her attention and even requests it for soccer games and her Sunday math lessons because they help her focus on boring stuff like multiplication.

[Anonymous]

You seem to be majorly, majorly overreacting to 17 year old behavior that is within the realm of normal. You need to back off and let him take responsibility, and separate out the true health concerns about drugs from the things that are not really your business, like his friends being from a different program.

As for college apps, let him do it himself, but give him clear guidance about what will happen if he does not enroll.

[Anonymous]

OP, can I politely ask if you are from another culture and perhaps English is not your first language (although your grammar is excellent). It seems to me you are overwhelmed by this situation perhaps due to fear brought on by cultural factors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, can I politely ask if you are from another culture and perhaps English is not your first language (although your grammar is excellent). It seems to me you are overwhelmed by this situation perhaps due to fear brought on by cultural factors.

Sure, I did not grew up in US.

Please explain me what cultural factors might be contributing to my stress. I assumed that sign of depression, anxiety, recent inclination to use drugs to channel curiosity and dependence on online friends would be a concern in all cultures. I would certainly like to understand others perspective to calibrate my expectations. Should I leave DS alone and hope/pray that he would be fine or find a professional help to get us pass this difficult phase.

I have been talking to several Psychologists and realizing that Neuro-psychological evaluations are required to understand the underlying causes. Can you please suggest the best options for this in the DMV area. I am especially asking the PPs who had to go through many weeding to find the right person who could help. Thanks.