Teen devastated over not getting picked...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:...for a leadership role in the organization she has been part of for years. The organizer made the decision and for whatever reason, DD was the only coming Senior not picked for a role for her final year. She is devastated and it is heartbreaking to watch her go through this. Now, she wants to quit and I don't know what to tell her (I do not think she should quit). We do not know the reason behind all this, could be political or anything else, and I don't even know if I should approach the organizer. Anyone else been through anything similar? How did you handle it??

It's something that you jump to "could be political," which of course means your daughter is being treated unfairly, rather than one of the myriad completely justifiable reasons behind the decision. Says a lot, and really justifies the organizer's decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...for a leadership role in the organization she has been part of for years. The organizer made the decision and for whatever reason, DD was the only coming Senior not picked for a role for her final year. She is devastated and it is heartbreaking to watch her go through this. Now, she wants to quit and I don't know what to tell her (I do not think she should quit). We do not know the reason behind all this, could be political or anything else, and I don't even know if I should approach the organizer. Anyone else been through anything similar? How did you handle it??

It's something that you jump to "could be political," which of course means your daughter is being treated unfairly, rather than one of the myriad completely justifiable reasons behind the decision. Says a lot, and really justifies the organizer's decision.

Do you think we were all born yesterday? We've all participated in and seen how these things go several times. The organizers daughter and friends could have easily taken all the "opportunities" because that would track.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ironically, passing someone over like that without an explanation is an example of poor leadership.

Maybe. But no one is owned an explanation, or maybe there isn’t one. Just as no one is owed a leadership position simply by being a participating member for years.

And nobody is obligated to stick around and be a "follower" in an organization that doesn't value everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ironically, passing someone over like that without an explanation is an example of poor leadership.

Maybe. But no one is owned an explanation, or maybe there isn’t one. Just as no one is owed a leadership position simply by being a participating member for years.

Not really. Her years of service do mean she's owed an explanation. She's not owed a position but she is owed an explanation. Keeping the worker bees happy and feeling part of the team is Leadership 101. Many would say it's the defining trait.

I guess the new leadership has their first test. Keeping a long serving member of an organization on board after passing them over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is poor form for a high school activity. One kid shouldn't be left out. This isn't the real world.

GMAFB. If there are 4 leadership roles, and 5 seniors, they should create another "leadership" position for the fifth senior?

[Anonymous]

It’s tough, but every time someone is chosen, someone else is generally not chosen. It’s not always fair.

She can ask for feedback — nothing wrong with that. I agree with waiting a bit until making a decision as to whether to continue with organization.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is poor form for a high school activity. One kid shouldn't be left out. This isn't the real world.

GMAFB. If there are 4 leadership roles, and 5 seniors, they should create another "leadership" position for the fifth senior?

Yes, obviously. Because these are all BS roles anyway. New Members, Marketing, Treasurer, Outreach, Liaison to Whoever, President, Vice President, Events, whatever. It's all a joke anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s tough, but every time someone is chosen, someone else is generally not chosen. It’s not always fair.

She can ask for feedback — nothing wrong with that. I agree with waiting a bit until making a decision as to whether to continue with organization.

In this case literally one senior was left out. Why do that?

[Anonymous]

It's good to experience failure and disappointment at this age. Teaches resilience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's good to experience failure and disappointment at this age. Teaches resilience.

Also a good experience in how not to lead and bad management. There will be plenty of that in the future too so I would take my ball and go home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's good to experience failure and disappointment at this age. Teaches resilience.

Also a good experience in how not to lead and bad management. There will be plenty of that in the future too so I would take my ball and go home.

Or she could just quiet quit. Keep it for the resume but not do anything. It's a bad moral lesson but that is how life works in reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would encourage what 18:58 said. Also, don't use dramatic language with her. She's not devastated - that's reserved for when a close relative dies. She's disappointed and a little confused.

+100
Don’t catastrophize and don’t feed into it. The disappointment is real, I’m sure.

But these are normal losses everyone in high school experiences! I remember my DC lost an election. These are routine things and great opportunities for learning.

DP - to teens, though, this kind of thing can be devastating because of how their brains are developing. The intensity of feelings are very real to them. To me, this is a both-and situation, as in, this kid feels devastated and also, in the grand scheme of things, this isn't the worst thing that could happen. Both are true. Telling people they don't feel something they feel is misguided at best and damaging at worst. It's possible to acknowledge the depth of someone's feelings and still not catastrophize. You want to keep lines of communication open, not shut them down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is the incoming president of one of honor societies. Her, the current officers (graduating seniors) and a teacher advisor reviewed all the applications. There's limited spots for rising seniors and there's only one rising junior spot. My DD gave all her recommendations based off of applications and what she knows about the work ethic of each, who cheats, who uses AI (one used for the entire app), etc. The advisor refused to accept my DD's top choice because she felt the top choice would be over extended as he's in other clubs (as is my DD). My DD went to bat for this boy because he's pretty much the top student in their grade on this subject, in addition to his passion for the subject. The advisor would not budge at all. The advisor wanted the one whose app was all AI due to factors that my DD did not agree with. My DD fought against that and they compromised on someone else.

Im sharing all of this to show the process is no where near perfect. It's very far from it. My DD explained to the one boy why he was not accepted because she felt he deserved to know because he was truly the most qualified. As a PP stated, this is similar to the corporate world. Your DD can ask for feedback or not. Quitting isn't the end of the world if she truly wants to. She should wait until she isn't as hurt by this to make her decision.

+1 this post is really really important to read. The people picking sometimes have a variety of different priorities and biases and there may have been literally nothing your kid could have done differently to have earned the spot. I see this when my husband is involved in hiring decisions at work and I experienced being snubbed like this in high school. Truthfully, that experience still bothers me, but I have the wisdom and life experience to know that it really wasn’t anything I did wrong even though at the time it felt very personal and like a failure on my part.

that's why you ask. in a positive constructive manner. It is fair to the daughter to know what happened here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s tough, but every time someone is chosen, someone else is generally not chosen. It’s not always fair.

She can ask for feedback — nothing wrong with that. I agree with waiting a bit until making a decision as to whether to continue with organization.

In this case literally one senior was left out. Why do that?

A similar thing happened to my daughter but on her travel basketball team. The 9-10 girls had been together for two to three years. Some additional girls had played more seasonally.
Then when they went to bump the team up a level, ran the usual tryouts and my daughter was the only one of two who didn't make it. They went with a returnee from two years ago and the daughter returnee of the family who got the big sponsorship.

My kid was so hurt and devastated, and this happened at a younger age, age 12. There weren't any other good teams around so her options were to play with the boys or this mumble jumble team of several grade levels that played OK.

They never told us any feedback about what happened, which was sad. We tried to be positive and ask what we needed to work on for tryouts next time, got no response. And it was one of the better run programs. But team picking is odd. You have parents pulling strings behind the scenes, you have the kids kissing butt to the coach, you have kids intra-competing and bullying each other. It was really eye opening for my 12 yo. She kept playing but gets upset when we talk about the goal of trying out for the team again this August.

I'm at a loss. maybe there is something more toxic going on that she is not telling me. Or she needs to buck up. The worst dynamic is the team group chats, she is still on one set of those so upset that some worse players are still on it but not her. Other parents commented that too to us. Then she got kicked off the main group chat since she's no longer with them for 6 mos. It's sad to watch but we try to minimize. She doesn't want anything to do with them. Yet will always run in to the girls at their various schools, and her own.

[Anonymous]

Something similar happened to my DD. At her school, it turned out the staff advisor to the club had control over the selection process and just didn't like my kid. The selection process was supposed to be a popular vote among the club members. If you wanted a leadership position, you applied for it, and sort of ran a mini campaign. There was no one running against my DD for the position, and when the advisor realized she would end up winning by default, she started campaigning to get someone else to run against my DD. Advisor was not slick, sent emails to students that were eventually forwarded to my DD by the other kids.

Eventually the advisor convinced another kid to run, and of course that other kid "won". It was already known among everyone at this point what the advisor had done, and so a few other club members (not my DD) asked to see the results (which apparently is allowed, or has been allowed in the past) but advisor refused.

My DD was very hurt and upset over what happened and my DH and I were as well. For a grown adult to artificially insert themselves into this high school drama, to manufacture club election results, is just insane. My DD stayed in the club, so she could put it on her college application as being a member for 4 years, but didn't do much her senior year and we didn't force her. Was a horrible life lesson that life isn't fair and that there will be people who are jerks you will have to interact with in life (at school, work, etc.).