Tips for dating with "niche looks" in my 40s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of responses so I will not break them out into quotes but will try to address them all.

By in my 40s I mean I just turned 41 a few weeks ago. Women that I date are in the 32 - 47 range recently but that has adjusted over the years upwards as I've gotten older. When I was in my 20s I was trying to date women in the late 20s - early 30s range. The level of tattoo coverage I have is essentially a bodysuit, meaning my body and limbs below my neck down to my ankles is all covered, except for my armpits and ribs (and no job stoppers like on the neck/hands/face). The tattoos are very clear from the photos of me on my OLD profiles. For the past few years I've been getting small pieces when I travel but my heavy collecting days are behind me since I'm pretty much out of space.

I am African American. I do not discriminate across any race or ethnicity, open to dating whoever in that regard. I don't tend to find blondes attractive but I have dated a few of them. I would be open to dating black women but my lack of religious belief usually stops that in its tracks. I would consider myself an atheist but I am extremely laid back about it. I'm not going to snap at someone for inviting me to their church or anything but I'm also not going to go unless its a big holiday and we were meeting with family.

Type of women I'm seeking: There isn't really any one type. The one dealbreaker is that she has to be passionate about something other than work. Would prefer if it was some type of hobby that keeps her active but it doesn't have to be. As I state above, open to all races; if she's goth thats cool, if shes type a businesswoman type thats cool too. I would prefer if every "life issue" doesn't result in the belief fo the worst case scenario happening. For example, dated a woman that whenever her boss asked for a meeting she claimed she was getting fired and her career was over. That became exhausting very quickly. I'm not joining a biker gang because I've dated women whose fathers were in motorcycle clubs, both outlaw/1% and normie clubs and the personality clash was just too much. Also, I get hurt enough BMXing I don't need to get hurt riding a motorcycle too, hahahaha. She doesn't have to be a gym rat / super fit and if she is then I would prefer her not being enhanced as I'm natural and am planning on staying natural. I find that I'm most physically attracted to Greek/Italian women and mentally/emotionally attracted to women that are more creative/artistic or at least have that element to their personality even if their actual job is more corporate/traditional. Fine with women taller than me.

Talking down to people: I happen to work in a very collaborative space in my legal practice so luckily I don't engage in such behavior even at work and I try to not slip into interacting with people in that way. I make it a point to never tell people you can't do this or that and am willing to talk through things with folks but the final decision lies with them unless its the type of decision where both people need to agree on a plan of action.

Topics of conversation on dates: I ask a lot of question about their hobbies and their goals. Does work drive them or their friendships or relationships with family members or what? Are they more bougie or salt of the earth? Flashy or low key? Are their friends from a wide variety of socioeconomic groups or all just rich/all middle class/etc? I'm not talking about myself too much because I'm not super interesting really and I haven't really accomplished too much in my life in my opinion. What kind of music are they into? Do they go to concerts or prefer to just listen to the music at home/in the car?

There is nothing even remotely “natural” about injecting toxic chemical ink all over your body. It’s actually quite funny that you would even say that. It sounds a bit delusional or narcissistic.

[Anonymous]

I can tell just from your writing that the issue isn’t your looks or height.

You are very much a logical/rational brained person. The way you describe dating makes it sound like you are doing due diligence, not looking for sparks or a romantic connection. You lack warmth. You have a low tolerance for emotions from others. You deflect real intimacy - I know you think you are being humble by saying you aren’t interesting and haven’t accomplished much, but what you are actually doing is refusing to invest any of yourself. Being on a date with you feels like being interviewed or like meeting with a consultant or like reviewing a LinkedIn profile. You describe yourself as an asset, not as a romantic partner. Everything about you screams that you are managed, structured, curated, and optimized.

I know this because my BF is the exact same way. He thinks very similarly to you, and our first date was not very fun. It felt like I was being judged the entire time, even though that’s not what he was doing. He is an ESTJ (I’m guessing you’re a similar archetype) while I’m an INFP (the creative/artistic type). So the way his brain works is VERY foreign to me and came off as very cold, distant, judgmental, and like he was comparing me against a checklist. He even spent our first several dates asking me about myself nonstop while divulging very little about himself, which I know he did for similar reasons as you (thought he was boring/unremarkable) but it really came off as an interview.

The good news is that you CAN actually do really well with creative-type women. But, you will have to change a LOT about yourself so that you come off as warm and capable of real connection. If you continue to get frustrated over pretty minor things like stress over getting fired, you’re not going to attract anyone. My BF gets the same way - especially when he sees that the solution to my problem is extremely obvious and doesn’t understand why I just don’t do it - but he’s learned that I need to be held, listened to, feel understood, and I need to process through my feelings before I can get into logical brain. You’re going to have to do the same and learn how to really connect with women, not just treat relationships like a checklist, where you check things off and move on.

And the really awesome thing is these relationships can be incredibly strong. I don’t do well with other creative types because we don’t get anything done. I thrive with the executive/logical types because they stabilize and ground me, but only if I feel appreciated for myself, if I feel they are frustrated with how I operate, I’m out. And on the flip side, I help humanize the executive types and add depth to their world. But it only works if both sides appreciate the other and don’t try to change them.

[Anonymous]

You're short

Too many tattoos

Too much weightlifting tells me you are insecure

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of responses so I will not break them out into quotes but will try to address them all.

By in my 40s I mean I just turned 41 a few weeks ago. Women that I date are in the 32 - 47 range recently but that has adjusted over the years upwards as I've gotten older. When I was in my 20s I was trying to date women in the late 20s - early 30s range. The level of tattoo coverage I have is essentially a bodysuit, meaning my body and limbs below my neck down to my ankles is all covered, except for my armpits and ribs (and no job stoppers like on the neck/hands/face). The tattoos are very clear from the photos of me on my OLD profiles. For the past few years I've been getting small pieces when I travel but my heavy collecting days are behind me since I'm pretty much out of space.

I am African American. I do not discriminate across any race or ethnicity, open to dating whoever in that regard. I don't tend to find blondes attractive but I have dated a few of them. I would be open to dating black women but my lack of religious belief usually stops that in its tracks. I would consider myself an atheist but I am extremely laid back about it. I'm not going to snap at someone for inviting me to their church or anything but I'm also not going to go unless its a big holiday and we were meeting with family.

Type of women I'm seeking: There isn't really any one type. The one dealbreaker is that she has to be passionate about something other than work. Would prefer if it was some type of hobby that keeps her active but it doesn't have to be. As I state above, open to all races; if she's goth thats cool, if shes type a businesswoman type thats cool too. I would prefer if every "life issue" doesn't result in the belief fo the worst case scenario happening. For example, dated a woman that whenever her boss asked for a meeting she claimed she was getting fired and her career was over. That became exhausting very quickly. I'm not joining a biker gang because I've dated women whose fathers were in motorcycle clubs, both outlaw/1% and normie clubs and the personality clash was just too much. Also, I get hurt enough BMXing I don't need to get hurt riding a motorcycle too, hahahaha. She doesn't have to be a gym rat / super fit and if she is then I would prefer her not being enhanced as I'm natural and am planning on staying natural. I find that I'm most physically attracted to Greek/Italian women and mentally/emotionally attracted to women that are more creative/artistic or at least have that element to their personality even if their actual job is more corporate/traditional. Fine with women taller than me.

Talking down to people: I happen to work in a very collaborative space in my legal practice so luckily I don't engage in such behavior even at work and I try to not slip into interacting with people in that way. I make it a point to never tell people you can't do this or that and am willing to talk through things with folks but the final decision lies with them unless its the type of decision where both people need to agree on a plan of action.

Topics of conversation on dates: I ask a lot of question about their hobbies and their goals. Does work drive them or their friendships or relationships with family members or what? Are they more bougie or salt of the earth? Flashy or low key? Are their friends from a wide variety of socioeconomic groups or all just rich/all middle class/etc? I'm not talking about myself too much because I'm not super interesting really and I haven't really accomplished too much in my life in my opinion. What kind of music are they into? Do they go to concerts or prefer to just listen to the music at home/in the car?

You are too judgemental

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

There is nothing even remotely “natural” about injecting toxic chemical ink all over your body. It’s actually quite funny that you would even say that. It sounds a bit delusional or narcissistic.

If not clear, I was referring to not taking steroids/peptides/TRT. Nobody is 100% natural in the sense that they have ingested/injected "chemicals" at some point in their life. Likely my fault for using verbiage from the fitness industry that tends to mean one thing where it means another in normal everyday life. I apologize for any confusion there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of responses so I will not break them out into quotes but will try to address them all.

By in my 40s I mean I just turned 41 a few weeks ago. Women that I date are in the 32 - 47 range recently but that has adjusted over the years upwards as I've gotten older. When I was in my 20s I was trying to date women in the late 20s - early 30s range. The level of tattoo coverage I have is essentially a bodysuit, meaning my body and limbs below my neck down to my ankles is all covered, except for my armpits and ribs (and no job stoppers like on the neck/hands/face). The tattoos are very clear from the photos of me on my OLD profiles. For the past few years I've been getting small pieces when I travel but my heavy collecting days are behind me since I'm pretty much out of space.

I am African American. I do not discriminate across any race or ethnicity, open to dating whoever in that regard. I don't tend to find blondes attractive but I have dated a few of them. I would be open to dating black women but my lack of religious belief usually stops that in its tracks. I would consider myself an atheist but I am extremely laid back about it. I'm not going to snap at someone for inviting me to their church or anything but I'm also not going to go unless its a big holiday and we were meeting with family.

Type of women I'm seeking: There isn't really any one type. The one dealbreaker is that she has to be passionate about something other than work. Would prefer if it was some type of hobby that keeps her active but it doesn't have to be. As I state above, open to all races; if she's goth thats cool, if shes type a businesswoman type thats cool too. I would prefer if every "life issue" doesn't result in the belief fo the worst case scenario happening. For example, dated a woman that whenever her boss asked for a meeting she claimed she was getting fired and her career was over. That became exhausting very quickly. I'm not joining a biker gang because I've dated women whose fathers were in motorcycle clubs, both outlaw/1% and normie clubs and the personality clash was just too much. Also, I get hurt enough BMXing I don't need to get hurt riding a motorcycle too, hahahaha. She doesn't have to be a gym rat / super fit and if she is then I would prefer her not being enhanced as I'm natural and am planning on staying natural. I find that I'm most physically attracted to Greek/Italian women and mentally/emotionally attracted to women that are more creative/artistic or at least have that element to their personality even if their actual job is more corporate/traditional. Fine with women taller than me.

Talking down to people: I happen to work in a very collaborative space in my legal practice so luckily I don't engage in such behavior even at work and I try to not slip into interacting with people in that way. I make it a point to never tell people you can't do this or that and am willing to talk through things with folks but the final decision lies with them unless its the type of decision where both people need to agree on a plan of action.

Topics of conversation on dates: I ask a lot of question about their hobbies and their goals. Does work drive them or their friendships or relationships with family members or what? Are they more bougie or salt of the earth? Flashy or low key? Are their friends from a wide variety of socioeconomic groups or all just rich/all middle class/etc? I'm not talking about myself too much because I'm not super interesting really and I haven't really accomplished too much in my life in my opinion. What kind of music are they into? Do they go to concerts or prefer to just listen to the music at home/in the car?

This is your problem. You have very low tolerance for humans being human. People are going to have anxiety. Women tend to be VERY anxious, and if you’re pursuing high achieving women with careers, even more so. High achieving women were raised to never get a wrong answer, never make anyone upset, etc, so even minor things can feel like the worst case scenario.

There’s also some conflicting things that you want. You want a woman who works out, but can’t have cosmetic work. Someone with a career, but she has to have passions outside of work and be a creative as well. It’s going to be very challenging to find all of those in one woman.

I’m wondering if you give off the vibe that you’re not really happy with the women you date as they are? That’s sort of the sense I get here, that you’re looking for the manic pixie dream girl type, and it’s not very fun to be with a man you know wishes you were different.

You remind me of a friend of mine who has similar problems with women, despite him being very handsome and successful. He doesn’t think that he has high standards because he dates a very wide age range, but you can tell when he’s with a woman, he doesn’t think of her as his dream woman. And it’s not that he’s mean or rude about it, it’s just a vibe he puts out.

Ya know what I mean? Like it’s not enough for a woman to be attractive, she has to be attractive with no cosmetic work done. It’s not enough for her to have a career, she also has to have “passions” and hobbies. It’s not enough for her to be type A, she also has to be a creative. And it’s not enough for her to be a creative, she also has to be a stoic and never have anxiety.

If you want a creative woman, you can find them, but they’re not gonna have good careers and they will absolutely have issues with anxiety. That’s just part of it. Highly creative people are strong feelers, which means they feel all their emotions very strongly.

If they have plastic surgery then thats one thing, but by enhanced I meant I'm not open to dating women that use steroids/peptides. I guess if their job was one that required looking a certain way or athletic performance at a certain level thats one thing, but just for personal goals I don't think the side effects are worth it.

For the person that told me to stick with non-black women, I'm not saying everyone black woman is religious, just all of the ones that I dated/attempted to date pumped the brakes hard when I told them I did not believe in a higher power.

I mean … how many women are you running into who take steroids?

How many women do you reject vs reject you?

I would say probably about 20% of the women that I have dated have admitted to using them in some form or fashion. Mostly to stay super lean/toned rather than putting on bulk. As far as rejection, probably 70% them rejecting versus 30% me rejecting.

Ok that is weird … are you meeting them in CrossFit or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dude, you are a catch. I think part of the problem may be the DC area. On the eastern shore of Md you would be quickly in a long term relationship.

On line dating has very low barriers to entry and as such can be a risky time consuming way to find a partner.

Understand a woman can breakup with someone on Saturday and be back on line on Monday but not be emotionally over her breakup.

Many women and men who are online dating go back to former partners and you have no way of knowing why they ghosted you. This is common when dating someone from 1-6 months. Many women are still married and divorcing when they are dating online. Many woman are angry at their former partners.

Many women who are just out of long term relationships or out of long term marriages are simply not emotionally available for a new long term relationship although they will swear up and down that they are.

I say this as a woman who dated online for 6 years.

I would really work hard at meeting women other ways since on line dating is not working.

Tell everyone you know that you are available and want to be fixed up. In addition to your friends tell acquaintances like the mailman or mail woman.

Read the Dale Carnegie book. It is somewhat dated as it was written in the 1930's but there are still things to be learned.

Sign up for Latin and Ballroom Dance classes.
Many times your local municipality will run these at $7 per person per night. They are always short of men. They are fun and you will meet a lot of people.

Go clubbing. One of my African American female employees has been dating a Baltimore Raven for about 4 years. I was really impressed she was dating an NFL player. I asked her how they met. She met him clubbing at a dive bar on the eastern shore where he grew up and she lived.

In my circle African American women are no more religious and/or church going than white women. Be open to African American women as well as others.

Don't overshare your dating history on date 1-3. i.e. Keep things light. Don't tell anyone you never get past 6 months. It is ok to say I've had long term relationships. (6 months is long for many people.)

Be aware that if you are dating white women that white women will consider it a huge red flag that you have never been married or in long term relationships by your 40's. I dated a late 40's never married guy and I kept wondering what was wrong with him. It is unusual not to have been married once or twice by your 40's in the white culture.

I'm 5'6" female. I'm sure you are already doing this since you are fit but make sure you always stand tall with your shoulders back. It makes a big difference. I dated a guy who was 5'6" and he had really good posture. It made a huge difference.

Big picture, change up what you are doing.

You sound like a great guy.

This is so cringe! I pray no black woman gives him the time of day.

[Anonymous]

I also think you sound like a great guy. I'm not crazy about tattoos but I don't think this has to be a dealbreaker and doesn't explain the reasons a 6+ month relationship would end for you.

Do you put your hobbies first over your relationships? For example, canceling plans because you need to spend time lifting/biking?

My biggest turn-off is men that don't follow through or do what they say.

Also, I think most women are just looking for a normal life with someone, the possibility of a family and a stable home life. A woman might wonder if your hobbies will always come first.

I know many successful short men who are married or in long-term relationships.

I've been married 20+ years to an attorney. We met at work. I don't relate to all the negative comments about attorneys on here.

I spend at least a couple of hours in the gym everyday. It is my hobby, but my family still comes first and sometimes I can't do the best optimal thing for myself. I completely gave up another of my hobbies, and that's ok, that time is now spent with my kids. There are plenty of women that work out as a hobby, and I think you should be able to meet one at a gym. Take a class - like a cross-fit or barbell class at a gym and show up regularly.

It might be worth asking yourself if these women are ending things after 6 months because they sense you can't commit enough time to them to have the life they want. My husband was 41 when we married. Before meeting him, I was ending relationships quickly as soon as I realized they weren't interested in marriage, kids or a so-called boring suburban life. The women in your dating age-range don't have time to waste. The ones that are ending after months tell me that they sense the relationship isn't going anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Law.partners have bad habits of talking down to people, acting like the smartest person in the room even about topics they know very little, trying to run the show and delegate "deliverables" in and out of work.

psychologist married to law partner who has seen this play out tons of times

This. I was going to ask if OP only talks about himself on dates. Lots of men do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of responses so I will not break them out into quotes but will try to address them all.

By in my 40s I mean I just turned 41 a few weeks ago. Women that I date are in the 32 - 47 range recently but that has adjusted over the years upwards as I've gotten older. When I was in my 20s I was trying to date women in the late 20s - early 30s range. The level of tattoo coverage I have is essentially a bodysuit, meaning my body and limbs below my neck down to my ankles is all covered, except for my armpits and ribs (and no job stoppers like on the neck/hands/face). The tattoos are very clear from the photos of me on my OLD profiles. For the past few years I've been getting small pieces when I travel but my heavy collecting days are behind me since I'm pretty much out of space.

I am African American. I do not discriminate across any race or ethnicity, open to dating whoever in that regard. I don't tend to find blondes attractive but I have dated a few of them. I would be open to dating black women but my lack of religious belief usually stops that in its tracks. I would consider myself an atheist but I am extremely laid back about it. I'm not going to snap at someone for inviting me to their church or anything but I'm also not going to go unless its a big holiday and we were meeting with family.

Type of women I'm seeking: There isn't really any one type. The one dealbreaker is that she has to be passionate about something other than work. Would prefer if it was some type of hobby that keeps her active but it doesn't have to be. As I state above, open to all races; if she's goth thats cool, if shes type a businesswoman type thats cool too. I would prefer if every "life issue" doesn't result in the belief fo the worst case scenario happening. For example, dated a woman that whenever her boss asked for a meeting she claimed she was getting fired and her career was over. That became exhausting very quickly. I'm not joining a biker gang because I've dated women whose fathers were in motorcycle clubs, both outlaw/1% and normie clubs and the personality clash was just too much. Also, I get hurt enough BMXing I don't need to get hurt riding a motorcycle too, hahahaha. She doesn't have to be a gym rat / super fit and if she is then I would prefer her not being enhanced as I'm natural and am planning on staying natural. I find that I'm most physically attracted to Greek/Italian women and mentally/emotionally attracted to women that are more creative/artistic or at least have that element to their personality even if their actual job is more corporate/traditional. Fine with women taller than me.

Talking down to people: I happen to work in a very collaborative space in my legal practice so luckily I don't engage in such behavior even at work and I try to not slip into interacting with people in that way. I make it a point to never tell people you can't do this or that and am willing to talk through things with folks but the final decision lies with them unless its the type of decision where both people need to agree on a plan of action.

Topics of conversation on dates: I ask a lot of question about their hobbies and their goals. Does work drive them or their friendships or relationships with family members or what? Are they more bougie or salt of the earth? Flashy or low key? Are their friends from a wide variety of socioeconomic groups or all just rich/all middle class/etc? I'm not talking about myself too much because I'm not super interesting really and I haven't really accomplished too much in my life in my opinion. What kind of music are they into? Do they go to concerts or prefer to just listen to the music at home/in the car?

This is your problem. You have very low tolerance for humans being human. People are going to have anxiety. Women tend to be VERY anxious, and if you’re pursuing high achieving women with careers, even more so. High achieving women were raised to never get a wrong answer, never make anyone upset, etc, so even minor things can feel like the worst case scenario.

There’s also some conflicting things that you want. You want a woman who works out, but can’t have cosmetic work. Someone with a career, but she has to have passions outside of work and be a creative as well. It’s going to be very challenging to find all of those in one woman.

I’m wondering if you give off the vibe that you’re not really happy with the women you date as they are? That’s sort of the sense I get here, that you’re looking for the manic pixie dream girl type, and it’s not very fun to be with a man you know wishes you were different.

You remind me of a friend of mine who has similar problems with women, despite him being very handsome and successful. He doesn’t think that he has high standards because he dates a very wide age range, but you can tell when he’s with a woman, he doesn’t think of her as his dream woman. And it’s not that he’s mean or rude about it, it’s just a vibe he puts out.

Ya know what I mean? Like it’s not enough for a woman to be attractive, she has to be attractive with no cosmetic work done. It’s not enough for her to have a career, she also has to have “passions” and hobbies. It’s not enough for her to be type A, she also has to be a creative. And it’s not enough for her to be a creative, she also has to be a stoic and never have anxiety.

If you want a creative woman, you can find them, but they’re not gonna have good careers and they will absolutely have issues with anxiety. That’s just part of it. Highly creative people are strong feelers, which means they feel all their emotions very strongly.

If they have plastic surgery then thats one thing, but by enhanced I meant I'm not open to dating women that use steroids/peptides. I guess if their job was one that required looking a certain way or athletic performance at a certain level thats one thing, but just for personal goals I don't think the side effects are worth it.

For the person that told me to stick with non-black women, I'm not saying everyone black woman is religious, just all of the ones that I dated/attempted to date pumped the brakes hard when I told them I did not believe in a higher power.

I mean … how many women are you running into who take steroids?

How many women do you reject vs reject you?

I would say probably about 20% of the women that I have dated have admitted to using them in some form or fashion. Mostly to stay super lean/toned rather than putting on bulk. As far as rejection, probably 70% them rejecting versus 30% me rejecting.

Ok that is weird … are you meeting them in CrossFit or something?

Nope meeting them on OLD just like the majority of my dates. Not really a group class gym kind of guy prefer going in and handling my business and heading home. Also am not cancelling/ghosting to engage in my hobbies I’m more likely to cancel a BMX session with friends or move the gym session to midnight and go ont he date instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. What is "collecting tattoos"? How many tattoos do you have?

If you have a LOT of tattoos, or if you have one or more tattoos on your neck, legs, and forearms, that could be putting some women off, especially if you are going for women who have a certain "look" that might not be the female equivalent of someone who "collects tattoos."

2. Are you going after the most physically beautiful women only?

I ask this because I have a colleague in his early 40s who is single, and who frequently talks about how he would like to get married and have a family. While he is perfectly nice to look at and has a reasonably good, he's not super handsome in a movie-star way, either, and he is not a billionaire. He sometimes talks to me and other married women colleagues for advice, in which he repeats that he "only wants the best", which to him means the most physically beautiful women he sees on the dating apps. He's showed me photos of some of these girls, and the ones he targets are always between 25 and early 30s, so younger than he is, plus have model gorgeous looks. It is very clear to me that the kind of woman he considers "the best" is not going to consider him a catch. I have pointed out profiles to him of women who are close to his age and maybe not super model gorgeous (but still are nice looking), and he flat-out refuses them. I know he is going to be single for a very long time.

Could you ask your female friends to look at profiles on whatever app you are using and ask them to suggest some profiles for you to contact? And then actually do it, and meet those women?

He's so deep in the closet he doesn't even know it yet.

100%

I married a creep like this and am in the middle of divorcing him. He's still denying being gay, but a gayer man never existed. These men spend so much time learning how to "act" straight without considering that straight men don't need to work at coming off as straight. Sad.

[Anonymous]

OP, I've read all your posts and none come off as someone looking for marriage or anything serious. You're looking for companionship and a permanent girlfriend. Women your age are looking for marriage and kids. That's just the beginning of the issues I see in what you've written, but it's a big one.

[Anonymous]

Navel gazing...

[Anonymous]

It’s the tattoo “bodysuit.”

Most people would find that disgusting.

Real talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of responses so I will not break them out into quotes but will try to address them all.

By in my 40s I mean I just turned 41 a few weeks ago. Women that I date are in the 32 - 47 range recently but that has adjusted over the years upwards as I've gotten older. When I was in my 20s I was trying to date women in the late 20s - early 30s range. The level of tattoo coverage I have is essentially a bodysuit, meaning my body and limbs below my neck down to my ankles is all covered, except for my armpits and ribs (and no job stoppers like on the neck/hands/face). The tattoos are very clear from the photos of me on my OLD profiles. For the past few years I've been getting small pieces when I travel but my heavy collecting days are behind me since I'm pretty much out of space.

I am African American. I do not discriminate across any race or ethnicity, open to dating whoever in that regard. I don't tend to find blondes attractive but I have dated a few of them. I would be open to dating black women but my lack of religious belief usually stops that in its tracks. I would consider myself an atheist but I am extremely laid back about it. I'm not going to snap at someone for inviting me to their church or anything but I'm also not going to go unless its a big holiday and we were meeting with family.

Type of women I'm seeking: There isn't really any one type. The one dealbreaker is that she has to be passionate about something other than work. Would prefer if it was some type of hobby that keeps her active but it doesn't have to be. As I state above, open to all races; if she's goth thats cool, if shes type a businesswoman type thats cool too. I would prefer if every "life issue" doesn't result in the belief fo the worst case scenario happening. For example, dated a woman that whenever her boss asked for a meeting she claimed she was getting fired and her career was over. That became exhausting very quickly. I'm not joining a biker gang because I've dated women whose fathers were in motorcycle clubs, both outlaw/1% and normie clubs and the personality clash was just too much. Also, I get hurt enough BMXing I don't need to get hurt riding a motorcycle too, hahahaha. She doesn't have to be a gym rat / super fit and if she is then I would prefer her not being enhanced as I'm natural and am planning on staying natural. I find that I'm most physically attracted to Greek/Italian women and mentally/emotionally attracted to women that are more creative/artistic or at least have that element to their personality even if their actual job is more corporate/traditional. Fine with women taller than me.

Talking down to people: I happen to work in a very collaborative space in my legal practice so luckily I don't engage in such behavior even at work and I try to not slip into interacting with people in that way. I make it a point to never tell people you can't do this or that and am willing to talk through things with folks but the final decision lies with them unless its the type of decision where both people need to agree on a plan of action.

Topics of conversation on dates: I ask a lot of question about their hobbies and their goals. Does work drive them or their friendships or relationships with family members or what? Are they more bougie or salt of the earth? Flashy or low key? Are their friends from a wide variety of socioeconomic groups or all just rich/all middle class/etc? I'm not talking about myself too much because I'm not super interesting really and I haven't really accomplished too much in my life in my opinion. What kind of music are they into? Do they go to concerts or prefer to just listen to the music at home/in the car?

This is your problem. You have very low tolerance for humans being human. People are going to have anxiety. Women tend to be VERY anxious, and if you’re pursuing high achieving women with careers, even more so. High achieving women were raised to never get a wrong answer, never make anyone upset, etc, so even minor things can feel like the worst case scenario.

There’s also some conflicting things that you want. You want a woman who works out, but can’t have cosmetic work. Someone with a career, but she has to have passions outside of work and be a creative as well. It’s going to be very challenging to find all of those in one woman.

I’m wondering if you give off the vibe that you’re not really happy with the women you date as they are? That’s sort of the sense I get here, that you’re looking for the manic pixie dream girl type, and it’s not very fun to be with a man you know wishes you were different.

You remind me of a friend of mine who has similar problems with women, despite him being very handsome and successful. He doesn’t think that he has high standards because he dates a very wide age range, but you can tell when he’s with a woman, he doesn’t think of her as his dream woman. And it’s not that he’s mean or rude about it, it’s just a vibe he puts out.

Ya know what I mean? Like it’s not enough for a woman to be attractive, she has to be attractive with no cosmetic work done. It’s not enough for her to have a career, she also has to have “passions” and hobbies. It’s not enough for her to be type A, she also has to be a creative. And it’s not enough for her to be a creative, she also has to be a stoic and never have anxiety.

If you want a creative woman, you can find them, but they’re not gonna have good careers and they will absolutely have issues with anxiety. That’s just part of it. Highly creative people are strong feelers, which means they feel all their emotions very strongly.

If they have plastic surgery then thats one thing, but by enhanced I meant I'm not open to dating women that use steroids/peptides. I guess if their job was one that required looking a certain way or athletic performance at a certain level thats one thing, but just for personal goals I don't think the side effects are worth it.

For the person that told me to stick with non-black women, I'm not saying everyone black woman is religious, just all of the ones that I dated/attempted to date pumped the brakes hard when I told them I did not believe in a higher power.

I mean … how many women are you running into who take steroids?

How many women do you reject vs reject you?

I would say probably about 20% of the women that I have dated have admitted to using them in some form or fashion. Mostly to stay super lean/toned rather than putting on bulk. As far as rejection, probably 70% them rejecting versus 30% me rejecting.

Ok that is weird … are you meeting them in CrossFit or something?

Nope meeting them on OLD just like the majority of my dates. Not really a group class gym kind of guy prefer going in and handling my business and heading home. Also am not cancelling/ghosting to engage in my hobbies I’m more likely to cancel a BMX session with friends or move the gym session to midnight and go ont he date instead.

I just find it astonishingly unlikely that 20% of women you are finding online use steroids to build muscle.