What do cheaters tell themselves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many affairs and didn’t tell myself anything. They just happened and most were coworkers.

You need an exorcist if it just happens without your active engagement, but otherwise you lack the commitment, boundaries and character to be worthy of a monogamous relationship. You have to tell yourself that you can’t control yourself or you don’t care about your job or partner. Maybe everyone else is doing it? Someone as selfish as you know you are entitled to it or something…

I couldn’t stop it, it was a high. Yes, terrible. Yes, selfish and self centered. Eventually, I came to my senses, walked away from my career and got my head on straight. Haven’t thought about stepping outside the marriage since.

Happy to hear that, did you tell your spouse?

No, did you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

They are both bad guys here.
He - for cheating
She - for causing him to cheat

Nobody CAUSES somebody else to cheat. That's BS.

She atleast contributed to it. He is primarily responsible for his actions, but she did play some role

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many affairs and didn’t tell myself anything. They just happened and most were coworkers.

You need an exorcist if it just happens without your active engagement, but otherwise you lack the commitment, boundaries and character to be worthy of a monogamous relationship. You have to tell yourself that you can’t control yourself or you don’t care about your job or partner. Maybe everyone else is doing it? Someone as selfish as you know you are entitled to it or something…

I couldn’t stop it, it was a high. Yes, terrible. Yes, selfish and self centered. Eventually, I came to my senses, walked away from my career and got my head on straight. Haven’t thought about stepping outside the marriage since.

Happy to hear that, did you tell your spouse?

No, did you?

I have never cheated, so it would be a boring conversation for my spouse. You should tell them. How is it possible for them to actually love you, when you are just acting out a character in a story?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People can rationalize anything. Some will tell themselves that they can't help it, that it's how they are programmed or they are just not strong enough. Others will normalize it, they'll convince themselves that everyone wants to cheat, and that more people do it than let on. Still others will blame their spouse for not meeting their needs. Some awful people probably even blame their kids, for stressing them out or for "stealing" their spouse away.

It doesn't matter what people tell themselves, what they think, or how they justify their behavior.

What matters is what people do.

Why do they HAVE to help it? Because society says they do?

Maybe they are programmed this way and aren't strong enough. Everyone's brains are wired differently. Hence, addictions.

There's not a married guy on this earth who hasn't thought about/envisioned themselves with another woman. Maybe it's the neighbor, maybe it's Margot Robbie. Either way the same thing that has society believing infidelity is cheating also considers lust "cheating".

Maybe their spouse isn't meeting their needs. Lucky people find this out before they're married, the unlucky people learn it later on.

Society is so funny. Not everyone is the same, therefore everyone's norms aren't the same.

Cheater's justify why they did it and the victim of the cheating justifies that it's wrong. At the end of the day, it's all fabricated by society.

Devil's advocate for open relationships and justifiable cheating. We all only get one shot at this whole life thing. People have urges and act upon them. They're right to believe they did nothing wrong is just as legitimate as you're right to believe they did.

Again, different morals, different beliefs, different norms doesn't make one person right and someone else wrong.

When her libido dropped we had an adult conversation about it and she agreed that it would be ok to open the marriage. Six months later she decided that it wasnt ok. She could have asked for a divorce then but didn’t want that and I didn’t think it was fair to have the terms changed unilaterally. I’ve kept the extracurriculars quiet so that she doesn’t have to be confronted by it. If she does find out then she can decide for real if she wants to divorce.

Be a man and divorce her, she told you what she wanted and you are too cowardly to end it because you need her to be the bad guy. Own your decision instead of being a sneaky lying cheater, she changed the rules, so it was in your court to leave.

They are both bad guys here.
He - for cheating
She - for causing him to cheat

Your worldview is more twisted than a pretzel. Both created an unhealthy marriage prior to the cheating, agreed. Both are poor communicators, at best, but one decided to cheat all on their own without any pushing. Then they lied, manipulated and snuck around sacrificing their integrity and the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They are both bad guys here.
He - for cheating
She - for causing him to cheat

Nobody CAUSES somebody else to cheat. That's BS.

She atleast contributed to it. He is primarily responsible for his actions, but she did play some role

In the poor state of the marriage, yes, they are both responsible for that. His decision to cheat was independent of her, so she is not responsible in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People can rationalize anything. Some will tell themselves that they can't help it, that it's how they are programmed or they are just not strong enough. Others will normalize it, they'll convince themselves that everyone wants to cheat, and that more people do it than let on. Still others will blame their spouse for not meeting their needs. Some awful people probably even blame their kids, for stressing them out or for "stealing" their spouse away.

It doesn't matter what people tell themselves, what they think, or how they justify their behavior.

What matters is what people do.

Why do they HAVE to help it? Because society says they do?

Maybe they are programmed this way and aren't strong enough. Everyone's brains are wired differently. Hence, addictions.

There's not a married guy on this earth who hasn't thought about/envisioned themselves with another woman. Maybe it's the neighbor, maybe it's Margot Robbie. Either way the same thing that has society believing infidelity is cheating also considers lust "cheating".

Maybe their spouse isn't meeting their needs. Lucky people find this out before they're married, the unlucky people learn it later on.

Society is so funny. Not everyone is the same, therefore everyone's norms aren't the same.

Cheater's justify why they did it and the victim of the cheating justifies that it's wrong. At the end of the day, it's all fabricated by society.

Devil's advocate for open relationships and justifiable cheating. We all only get one shot at this whole life thing. People have urges and act upon them. They're right to believe they did nothing wrong is just as legitimate as you're right to believe they did.

Again, different morals, different beliefs, different norms doesn't make one person right and someone else wrong.

When her libido dropped we had an adult conversation about it and she agreed that it would be ok to open the marriage. Six months later she decided that it wasnt ok. She could have asked for a divorce then but didn’t want that and I didn’t think it was fair to have the terms changed unilaterally. I’ve kept the extracurriculars quiet so that she doesn’t have to be confronted by it. If she does find out then she can decide for real if she wants to divorce.

But do you not see how you changed the terms unilaterally? You asked for an open marriage - that's quite a big change from "in sickness and in health". If you were adult enough to have a conversation about it to open the marriage, and then months later adult enough that she conveyed that the open marriage wasn't OK, why aren't you adult enough to re-negotiate the terms of the open marriage. It's perfectly normal in an open marriage what kind of relationships are acceptable to both married partners. Instead you're just hiding what you're doing, because you don't want to divorce either. It's weird to me how you consistently fail make her responsible for your actions - I cheated because she didn't want sex, I'm sneaking around because she said she didn't want the open marriage, I won't file for divorce because she doesn't want it, etc. Man up and take responsibility for the kind of life you want and can create.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex told our adult dcs that the reason he had an affair was because I wouldn't have sex with him. While that's definitely true (because I was completely repelled by him for years) he actually never asked for sex either. He only fessed up to the affair when I told him I knew. I now know he'd been cheating for years with multiple partners. I'm so glad he's my ex. And I'm not in a dead bedroom anymore, so, win win!

Your husband’s actions were reprehensible. However you played a major role in his cheating. Doesn’t make it right, you both are responsible for his cheating

I actually asked for a divorce several times along the way. He wanted to pretend he could never leave the marriage. I may have been emotionally lazy but I’m not a sociopath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex told our adult dcs that the reason he had an affair was because I wouldn't have sex with him. While that's definitely true (because I was completely repelled by him for years) he actually never asked for sex either. He only fessed up to the affair when I told him I knew. I now know he'd been cheating for years with multiple partners. I'm so glad he's my ex. And I'm not in a dead bedroom anymore, so, win win!

Your husband’s actions were reprehensible. However you played a major role in his cheating. Doesn’t make it right, you both are responsible for his cheating

Bull$hit.
This is exactly what cheaters say to justify their behavior. You sound like you have experience with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many affairs and didn’t tell myself anything. They just happened and most were coworkers.

You need an exorcist if it just happens without your active engagement, but otherwise you lack the commitment, boundaries and character to be worthy of a monogamous relationship. You have to tell yourself that you can’t control yourself or you don’t care about your job or partner. Maybe everyone else is doing it? Someone as selfish as you know you are entitled to it or something…

I couldn’t stop it, it was a high. Yes, terrible. Yes, selfish and self centered. Eventually, I came to my senses, walked away from my career and got my head on straight. Haven’t thought about stepping outside the marriage since.

Happy to hear that, did you tell your spouse?

No, did you?

I have never cheated, so it would be a boring conversation for my spouse. You should tell them. How is it possible for them to actually love you, when you are just acting out a character in a story?

So why are you even here? I bet you did it, but convinced yourself you didn’t. If I had to guess, this is probably your fourth or fifth affair....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many affairs and didn’t tell myself anything. They just happened and most were coworkers.

You need an exorcist if it just happens without your active engagement, but otherwise you lack the commitment, boundaries and character to be worthy of a monogamous relationship. You have to tell yourself that you can’t control yourself or you don’t care about your job or partner. Maybe everyone else is doing it? Someone as selfish as you know you are entitled to it or something…

I couldn’t stop it, it was a high. Yes, terrible. Yes, selfish and self centered. Eventually, I came to my senses, walked away from my career and got my head on straight. Haven’t thought about stepping outside the marriage since.

Happy to hear that, did you tell your spouse?

Not PP but why do you care? They didn't come on here asking for your forgiveness.

I think anyone who sits in moral judgment of others is lacking something. And no, I'm not a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many affairs and didn’t tell myself anything. They just happened and most were coworkers.

You need an exorcist if it just happens without your active engagement, but otherwise you lack the commitment, boundaries and character to be worthy of a monogamous relationship. You have to tell yourself that you can’t control yourself or you don’t care about your job or partner. Maybe everyone else is doing it? Someone as selfish as you know you are entitled to it or something…

I couldn’t stop it, it was a high. Yes, terrible. Yes, selfish and self centered. Eventually, I came to my senses, walked away from my career and got my head on straight. Haven’t thought about stepping outside the marriage since.

Happy to hear that, did you tell your spouse?

No, did you?

I have never cheated, so it would be a boring conversation for my spouse. You should tell them. How is it possible for them to actually love you, when you are just acting out a character in a story?

You have no idea whether that spouse would want to know. You don't get to decide that for other people, even if you do think of yourself as the moral compass for the entire universe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People can rationalize anything. Some will tell themselves that they can't help it, that it's how they are programmed or they are just not strong enough. Others will normalize it, they'll convince themselves that everyone wants to cheat, and that more people do it than let on. Still others will blame their spouse for not meeting their needs. Some awful people probably even blame their kids, for stressing them out or for "stealing" their spouse away.

It doesn't matter what people tell themselves, what they think, or how they justify their behavior.

What matters is what people do.

Why do they HAVE to help it? Because society says they do?

Maybe they are programmed this way and aren't strong enough. Everyone's brains are wired differently. Hence, addictions.

There's not a married guy on this earth who hasn't thought about/envisioned themselves with another woman. Maybe it's the neighbor, maybe it's Margot Robbie. Either way the same thing that has society believing infidelity is cheating also considers lust "cheating".

Maybe their spouse isn't meeting their needs. Lucky people find this out before they're married, the unlucky people learn it later on.

Society is so funny. Not everyone is the same, therefore everyone's norms aren't the same.

Cheater's justify why they did it and the victim of the cheating justifies that it's wrong. At the end of the day, it's all fabricated by society.

Devil's advocate for open relationships and justifiable cheating. We all only get one shot at this whole life thing. People have urges and act upon them. They're right to believe they did nothing wrong is just as legitimate as you're right to believe they did.

Again, different morals, different beliefs, different norms doesn't make one person right and someone else wrong.

When her libido dropped we had an adult conversation about it and she agreed that it would be ok to open the marriage. Six months later she decided that it wasnt ok. She could have asked for a divorce then but didn’t want that and I didn’t think it was fair to have the terms changed unilaterally. I’ve kept the extracurriculars quiet so that she doesn’t have to be confronted by it. If she does find out then she can decide for real if she wants to divorce.

But do you not see how you changed the terms unilaterally? You asked for an open marriage - that's quite a big change from "in sickness and in health". If you were adult enough to have a conversation about it to open the marriage, and then months later adult enough that she conveyed that the open marriage wasn't OK, why aren't you adult enough to re-negotiate the terms of the open marriage. It's perfectly normal in an open marriage what kind of relationships are acceptable to both married partners. Instead you're just hiding what you're doing, because you don't want to divorce either. It's weird to me how you consistently fail make her responsible for your actions - I cheated because she didn't want sex, I'm sneaking around because she said she didn't want the open marriage, I won't file for divorce because she doesn't want it, etc. Man up and take responsibility for the kind of life you want and can create.

Yup. Haven't you learned that even though you might first think that you want tea, you don't have to like it or drink it once you order it? She tried an open marriage, and it wasn't for her. So she ... talked about it like an adult.

I've agreed to lots of things only to backtrack once I started - I thought I was going to be in the roller derby. Nope, it wasn't for me, turns out I really couldn't skate. I worked at a supermarket for 1 week. And then quit. I started biking from New England to Florida, but changed my plans in Connecticut because traffic was insanity and it was not for me. It works both ways, actually - I was engaged - my partner called it off! I'm sure you understand how this works if you've ever lost a job or known somebody who has lost a job. You have a job, then your company or boss decides it isn't working, and you no longer have a job, no matter how much you wanted to continue working.

Try being an adult and talk about this.

[Anonymous]

In truth she wasn’t all that clear. What she said was “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this anymore”. I’m willing to accept a return to intimacy, continuation of an open marriage, or divorce. I think the ball is really in her court still.

Another person who thinks you are the coward. You are cheating and your ridiculous reasoning on why it's on. her to leave is exactly the classic cheater thinking people on here are describing. It's wild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many affairs and didn’t tell myself anything. They just happened and most were coworkers.

You need an exorcist if it just happens without your active engagement, but otherwise you lack the commitment, boundaries and character to be worthy of a monogamous relationship. You have to tell yourself that you can’t control yourself or you don’t care about your job or partner. Maybe everyone else is doing it? Someone as selfish as you know you are entitled to it or something…

I couldn’t stop it, it was a high. Yes, terrible. Yes, selfish and self centered. Eventually, I came to my senses, walked away from my career and got my head on straight. Haven’t thought about stepping outside the marriage since.

Happy to hear that, did you tell your spouse?

Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many affairs and didn’t tell myself anything. They just happened and most were coworkers.

You need an exorcist if it just happens without your active engagement, but otherwise you lack the commitment, boundaries and character to be worthy of a monogamous relationship. You have to tell yourself that you can’t control yourself or you don’t care about your job or partner. Maybe everyone else is doing it? Someone as selfish as you know you are entitled to it or something…

I couldn’t stop it, it was a high. Yes, terrible. Yes, selfish and self centered. Eventually, I came to my senses, walked away from my career and got my head on straight. Haven’t thought about stepping outside the marriage since.

Happy to hear that, did you tell your spouse?

No, did you?

I have never cheated, so it would be a boring conversation for my spouse. You should tell them. How is it possible for them to actually love you, when you are just acting out a character in a story?

You have no idea whether that spouse would want to know. You don't get to decide that for other people, even if you do think of yourself as the moral compass for the entire universe.

I am only my own moral compass, not the world’s or the universe’s. My point was that your spouse doesn’t even know who you are, they love the idea of being married to a character that you present to the world.